“Challenges are what make life interesting, and overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.”
– Joshua J. Marine
Investigating Problems
Consistently and skilfully explore the problems you have as a couple and as individuals together, as they arise.
If you have a car and you are a reasonable person, you know that your car requires regular maintenance. Certain things, that need to be refilled, cleaned up and replaced to keep it running reliably.
Alongside this regular maintenance, you also know that unexpected issues can occur. You would rather they didn’t, but you know that they do.
If your car is making a new and unnerving sound for example, you would probably take it to the garage. You would undoubtedly do this sooner rather than later, as you would not feel comfortable driving it around unsure of what was wrong.
What you wouldn’t do, is ignore the noise or pretend the noise is not there in the hope that it will go away. That would be careless. You know, as a responsible adult, that you are liable if your car is not road worthy and legal.
Furthermore, you likely have a good garage. You rely on them to carry out such maintenance work and, if there is a more unusual problem, such as a noise, you trust that they will accurately identify what the noise is. They take the noise seriously. Following such investigations, they will tell you what they will need to do to fix the problem, when they can fit you in to do the work, how long this work will take, and finally, when you can expect to have your car back in top working order.
What they wouldn’t do, if they are a good garage, is tell you that you are making too much of a fuss about the noise. They would not insist that you are mistaken, that they themselves do not hear the noise. They wouldn’t tell you that they don’t have enough time, the skills or the resources to fix the problem. If they behaved like this, as a wise person, you would naturally find yourself a better garage.
Simple.
Relationship Maintenance
That is cars though. We are, most of us, quite reasonable and responsible when it comes to the business of car maintenance.
But what about relationships? Can we each say, hand on heart that we apply this same pragmatism, this same regular care and attention to ensuring things with our partners are kept running as smoothly? Do we know the types of things that need to be done to keep us on track as a couple? Do we concern ourselves so dutifully, so caringly with the needs and daily requirements of our significant others? Or are we, perhaps somewhat guilty of a certain amount of carelessness or even neglect?
Such questions are important. They must be answered and addressed. If we each truly want our relationships to work, we have to concern ourselves regularly with what might be malfunctioning within our relationships, and what, even more importantly we might do about it.
So, as well as the regular maintenance of our relationships, we must also commit to addressing problems as they arise. This is in fact part of good maintenance. If our partner starts making a noise, or we do for that matter, usually in the form of some kind of unhappiness or dissatisfaction, we must take it seriously. We must be interested in what they or we are experiencing. We must set aside time to address the issue and commit to finding a solution. Just like we do with our cars.
In fact, our primary, long-term relationship is actually our greatest gift when it comes to growth if we could just align ourselves with this rather beautiful truth. This is because they show us parts of ourselves that are perhaps malfunctioning or in need of care and attention.
Most people, sadly fight against this fact. Partly because they don’t understand it. We hope, rather foolishly that relationships will bring us pleasure with little to no effort. We pray we might avoid the confusing or problematic parts of our partners and also our own imperfections, often because we aren’t sure how to make sense of them. Many of us simply have not been taught.
These skills, ideally modelled by our parents, escape so many of us. Countless of us come from broken homes ourselves. It is therefore not surprising that an inability or reluctance to avoid the problems that befall us in our intimate relationships prevail.
Help is at hand.
5 Steps to Avoid Relationship Breakdown
To assist you in avoiding the ranks of the separated, here are some simple steps which will support you in the facing of problems and see you stronger as a couple in no time. These steps are simple but NOT easy. Honesty, open mindedness, willingness and patience will be beneficial here!
- Accept that problems are part of relationships and cannot be avoided. We need each realise that we will have to learn to move towards issues in an openhearted way if we are to grow and succeed as couples. We must deepen our understanding that this attention to problems develops intimacy and connection. It also ensures we strengthen and develop as individuals and as couples. Avoidance is the enemy of relationship health.
- Take regular time and space to explore problems together. Put dates and times in calendars. Agree to regular couple check-in dates. Create a list or contract which should include things you have agreed to work on, as individuals and as a couple. Make this time together a good habit that you are careful to keep in place. Make it a priority. Like the MOT on your car which I am sure you don’t put off. Remember, us humans are more complicated than cars, so once every year won’t suffice!
- Learn to talk openly about difficult things without losing your composure. We must discuss our upset and frustrations with one another with respect, compassion and patience. We must learn to stick to our points without overloading the other with endless perceived faults. If you feel yourself losing control or start to feel lost, take a break before things escalate too far, then come back when you are calmer. This is a great skill, and once learned, will stand you in good stead for all future meetings and discussions. We have to be able to address difficult subjects kindly if we are become more confident and willing to make sense of the things that are not working between us. This skill develops trust and feelings of security for both partners.
- Work steadfastly on the issues you have identified so that things truly improve. If you have agreed on something that needs to change, do whatever you can to work on it. This is the part that in some ways matters the most. If, for example, you both agreed that you are often cold towards one another, try to warm things up. Make eye contact, ask each other open and interested questions, hold hands when walking the dog. You might be scared or feeling mistrustful, but action is the name of the game here folks! If we genuinely want things to get better, we actually have to do things differently.
- Develop a sense of faith and optimism regarding your ability to move through difficulties as a couple. This attitude of hope and positivity is something we can all adopt; it is simply a matter of choice. Thinking and speaking negatively about our partners and our relationships is really harmful. A mean-spirited attitude should be addressed if we recognise it as something we are guilty of. It feels really wonderful to develop a positive mindset for who we are as a couple. Acknowledging the hurdles we have overcome together and the positive changes we have made builds feelings of accomplishment and security. Who doesn’t want that!
What we all want is to avoid relationship breakdown. And we can’t do this if we are unwilling or unable to face difficulties.
We are each responsible for keeping our relationships in good working order. We do this by agreeing to regular relationship maintenance. We have to make space for it. We have to make it a major priority in our lives. It is never too late to begin the process of this good habit, and although it is not easy, it is surely better than letting our relationships simply fall apart due to lack of proper care.
