“If you see something beautiful in someone, speak it.”
― Ruthie Lindsey
Love is Action
It seems to me; most people nowadays think that happy couples are somehow lucky. That they perhaps managed to find ‘the one’ and that the seemingly blissful union they share is a result of good fortune. Most people have it wrong. It is truer to say that often, those of us who would describe ourselves as fulfilled and secure in our unions, have in fact worked hard at creating such harmony and strength as a couple over time.
One of the most beautiful and essential elements to this focussed dedication, is the creation of a mainly positive atmosphere or landscape, which flows from both parties towards the other and for their relationship. For their past, for their present, and for their future. They have a co-created love affair with their love affair!
They think and say kind and complimentary things about each other.
Their memories are fond despite the challenges they have faced, and they are equally hopeful about their shared life ahead.
This kind of couple touch us all. In old age, they are the couples with a bright glint in their eyes, and beautiful stories to tell. Their physical youth may have faded but their love for one another remains clear and strong. A beacon of grace, dignity, wisdom and sanity.
Conversely, couples who can’t seem to make it work have often slipped into a state of almost perpetual negativity. Resentment and hostility, or apathy pervade the air. The landscape is foul and unstable. Each party is armed with accusations towards the other of perceived failings and wrong doings. They are unforgiving of past slights; misery fills their day to day and there is often mistrust and hopelessness regarding their future.
You’d have to be somewhat insane to want the latter, yet sadly too many people seem doomed to create something like it to a greater or lesser degree. It is often a rock bottom that leads people to seek help or worse still, to call the divorce lawyers. Either way, they each beg for an end to a misery they can no longer live with.
I suspect many people give up because they don’t understand that problems (and many of them) are par for the course in intimate relationships. We humans are a complicated bunch. Most of us have aspects of our characters that are less than easy to live with if we are honest. We are all guilty of behaviours and ideas that have our spouses wondering what on earth they might have done in a previous life to have ended up with such a problematic and unreasonable person.
In successful partnerships however, difficulties in character or behaviours are acknowledged and accepted as part of the challenge of their commitment to one another. The couple devote time and energy to carefully and often painstakingly working things through until the relationship is improved, and the couple have grown and are strengthened. They will have learned valuable lessons about themselves as individuals and about relationships in general. This courageous act is the stuff of real love.
This turning towards and committing to working things out ultimately strengthens our bonds. Over time, if your partner cares enough about the relationship to move through difficulty with you, you will respect them for it. Moreover, if they develop a capacity and interest in working on their own shortcomings, resolving issues that threaten to damage the bond, and strive to grow as an individual, you will admire them hugely and your trust in them will surely grow.
Alongside this interest in tackling problems as they arise, with a commitment from both parties to develop and grow, it is also beneficial to consciously nurture feelings of warmth and positivity for one another and for the relationship. Become generous in your thoughts and in your words. Vocalise compliments as often as you can. Notice how much your partner does that is healthy and productive. Notice their strengths and their accomplishments. Make time in your relationship for conversations which involve acknowledging each other’s dedication to health and improving themselves as well as their inherent value as a person. This positive language will strengthen you both and lend to feelings of security, peace and wellbeing.
“Love is not effortless. To the contrary, love is effortful.”
― M. Scott Peck
I am consistently incredibly grateful that my marriage to Russell is harmonious and kind, respectful and positive. It feels tremendous to be on the same side and no longer at odds with each other. It has helped free up energy for us both to develop other areas of our lives which has further increased our feelings of positivity towards each other. It has enabled us to create a sane and peaceful environment for our son, one in which he feels safe and secure. This matters, it is, as far as I’m concerned, a major life success.
I am not sure either one of us could have been considered the ideal partner at the beginning, but it is true to say that we have both worked hard to become something akin to that over time. This somewhat arduous graft for continuous development, both as individuals and as a couple, rather than a lazy ambivalence, is a sacred act of love. I am not sure there is another route worth taking.
We all want to feel loved and valued by our partners. We all want a peaceful home, a place to rest and take shelter from the world outside. Don’t wait or refuse to become more loving, more generous, or more compassionate. Life is too short and the price of war, on the individual, on families and on society is too great.
