Your Biggest Sexless Marriage Questions Answered

Stay, Leave or Accept? Your Top Five Sexless Marriage Questions Answered

My YouTube channel has generated over 26,000 comments, and the same questions keep appearing. Not because people aren’t thinking clearly, but because they’re stuck, and the questions they’re asking are the right ones.

So here are the five most common sexless marriage questions from the comments, answered directly.

Laura How is a UK relationship therapist specialising in sexless marriage and female sexual desire in long-term relationships.

What Do I Do If Nothing Changes in My Sexless Marriage? Should I Stay, Leave, or Accept It?

This has come up nearly 2,000 times, and it’s the hardest question to answer because only you can ultimately answer it.

What I would say is this: your relationship is supposed to support your health and wellbeing. If there’s an aspect of your relationship that is actively taking that away from you, if staying means surrendering something that is genuinely important to you; then you are in a serious position, and it deserves to be treated seriously.

What I notice when I work with people individually is that many of them have never actually said this out loud to their partner. They haven’t told them that they’re questioning whether they can stay. That conversation is often completely missing, and it matters enormously.

So if I were in that position myself, the first thing I would do is be honest. And then I would get support. A therapist, or at the very least someone wise and grounded who I trusted. I wouldn’t try to solve it alone inside my own head, and I would tell my partner that I was seeking support and why.

Can a Marriage Actually Survive Without Sex?

Yes. Many marriages do survive without sex, and plenty of you reading this are living proof of that.

But surviving and thriving are not the same thing, and that distinction is really the whole point.

You can survive a marriage that is emotionally flat, physically disconnected, and largely going through the motions. People do it for years, for the children, for stability, out of habit. But you will not thrive in it. And human wellbeing isn’t about survival. It’s about having access to what you genuinely need in order to feel alive and connected and fulfilled.

So the better question isn’t whether a marriage can survive without sex. It’s whether you are actually thriving, and if not, what would need to change for that to be possible.

Is Sexual Withholding Abusive, Manipulative, or Just Plain Unfair?

“Abusive” is a strong word, and I’m careful about using it without context. Every situation is different, and working out whether something constitutes abuse takes time and careful analysis of the specific circumstances.

But here’s what I will say clearly: if you know that withholding sex is causing your partner real distress, and your partner is a decent person who is generally showing up well in the relationship — contributing, caring, managing their responsibilities, and has been honest with you about how much physical intimacy matters to them — then continuing to withdraw without any effort or engagement is harmful. Not necessarily because you intend it to be, but because the impact is real regardless of the intention.

The word I’d reach for is neglect. It’s not explosive or dramatic, but it is a form of ongoing disregard for something that matters deeply to another person. And that is harmful, whether or not it meets the clinical threshold for abuse.

What About Porn or Cheating When Someone Is Starved of Intimacy?

I understand why people ask this, because by the time they’re asking it, they’re often in a genuinely desperate place.

But here’s my honest position: turning to porn or cheating doesn’t resolve the problem, it adds another layer of serious problems on top of an already serious one. Now you’re navigating secrecy, dishonesty, and a fundamental breakdown of trust, none of which moves you any closer to actually fixing what’s wrong.

If I were in that position, I wouldn’t be willing to take on a digital sex life or a dishonest one. I wouldn’t do that to myself. And I’d recognise that reaching that point was a signal, a sign that I was not okay, and that the relationship was genuinely making me unwell.

So I would say it out loud. I would tell my partner: this is affecting me so seriously that I am not coping. And I would be getting us to a couple’s therapist, or at the very least going myself, because I’d understand that was an urgent situation that needed proper support.

What Can You Do When Sex Dies After Children, Perimenopause, or Menopause?

The first thing worth saying here is that if sex has completely died within a relationship, there’s usually more going on than a straightforward sex problem. Healthy couples don’t let sex disappear entirely. They notice when things start to shift, and they respond to it, they course-correct together.

So when the children arrive and bedtime gets impossible, they find other times. When hormonal changes start to affect desire or comfort, she seeks support and they adapt together. When work stress is affecting his libido, they acknowledge it and work around it. They stay engaged with the problem because they both value what they have.

If sex has died and stayed dead, what that usually points to is something deeper that hasn’t been addressed, a resentment that’s gone unspoken, a disconnection that predates the children or the menopause, a dynamic that nobody has been willing to name.

Which means you’re not dealing with a sex problem that needs a sex solution. You’re dealing with a relationship problem, and that’s what needs attention, either together or, if your partner won’t engage, on your own.

If any of this resonates with where you are, the place to start is honesty, with yourself first, and then with your partner. And if you’d like to explore that with support, get in touch.

Ready to Get Support?

If you’re struggling in a sexless marriage, working with a therapist who understands intimacy and long-term relationship dynamics can make a significant difference.

All of our therapists deliver the ‘Laura How’ approach. The same research-backed, solution-focused methodology featured in our YouTube content and podcast. Marijke and Zac work under Laura’s close, case-by-case supervision to ensure you receive the proven strategies and values-driven ethos that define our work. While they bring their own personality and experience to sessions, they follow the same integrative framework. You’ll work consistently with the therapist you choose, receiving personalized support grounded in the Laura How methodology from start to finish.

Click HERE to choose your therapist.

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