Not Caring Is Unnatural
If you’re stuck in an unhappy marriage with a spouse that doesn’t appear to care about you, and for whatever reason, you can’t or won’t leave then as far as I can see, you have two choices. The first is that you try to emotionally detach, live as roommates and practise a zen like acceptance of your situation for the rest of your life. Good luck with that. The second is that you take responsibility for diagnosing precisely what the problems are and devote yourself fully to fixing them head on.
In this article, I’m going to help those of you who are interested in option two.
I’m going to assume that when you first married, your spouse did care about you and your needs and that they were hugely attractive to you in many ways. But that now, likely for reasons I aim to explore here, they aren’t doing quite so well on those fronts. I’m also going to assume that for the most part, you feel it’s them that has changed, not you. This is of course, quite rare, but possible, so for the purposes of this article, let’s run with it.
It is not natural to allow someone you are supposed to care for to suffer, whether it’s your spouse, your kids, your friends or your dog. Humans are naturally caring creatures. Considerable scientific research has found that empathy is deeply rooted in our nature. We have brains and bodies literally wired to deliver care. So, when someone we love suffers, it hurts – or at least it should. It’s partly what makes our species so successful. Therefore, if your partner doesn’t appear to care about you or your relationship, or the traits that you found attractive have disappeared, then in my opinion, something has gone wrong, and it’s almost certain they ‘re suffering and have become dysfunctional in some way.
So the aim of this article is to help you to help them.
Think of it this way; if you had a child that started developing behavioural problems, or a dog that started weeing on the carpet, you hopefully wouldn’t abandon them whilst simply declaring that kids or dogs are impossible and that you’re better off without them. You’d more likely devote yourself to working out the cause of their dysfunction. You’d figure out what you can do to help so that peace and sanity can be restored. For the good of the kid, the dog, the carpets and the entire household.
If this is not where you are, here’s a checklist of things to look out for if care is lacking, and your relationship has become dysfunctional.
Reasons Your Spouse might be uncaring
1. Medications
Firstly, I am not medically trained, and this is not medical advice. But here are some things to consider if your spouse is taking any painkillers or psychotropic medications. These include Anti-depressants, mood stabilisers, anti-anxiety drugs, stimulants, sleeping pills, opioids and antipsychotics. These medications are associated with side effects that may affect mood and impair empathy, so it’s worth learning more if you’re worried your partner might be affected in this way.
Some other known side-effects of these medications include:
- Insomnia
- Drowsiness
- Weight gain
- Reduced sex drive
- Suicidal thoughts
- Emotional blunting
- Confusion
- Agitation
- Anxiety
- Aggression
- Apathy
- Derealisation
I’ve worked with countless individuals prescribed these types of medications, and can say with some authority, that they can have a negative impact on an individual’s ability to tune into life in a natural and healthy way. I’ve had men tell me that they’ve seen their wives’ personalities change for the worse since being prescribed SSRI’s. I’ve heard countless individuals tell me that they no longer have any strong feelings about anything since being prescribed mood stabilisers, and that although they don’t feel as low, they don’t enjoy music or feel moved by beauty anymore either. I have met others who are being prescribed so many psychotropic meds or painkillers that their entire lives have been destroyed. I appreciate you might think these cases are extreme, but regardless I would urge you to consider the possible implications of these medications on intimate relationships.
How can we make sense of ourselves, our relationships or the world if we can’t really feel?
Think about where we are with this issue collectively, think about where we might be headed if this trend of overprescribing these drugs for often normal human conditions continues. If your spouse is taking any of these medications and you believe they might be impacting their ability to care about your relationship, then please speak to a medical professional for advice.
2. Addiction
Addiction to substances, alcohol, drugs, smoking or vaping, or medications. Or addictions to processes, screens, porn, gaming, gambling or work to name a few, WILL interfere with the quality of your relationship and your partners ability to tune in to your needs. They will also contribute to poor wellbeing, damage trust and create feelings of unhappiness and isolation.
Addictions are always a sign of underlying issues so addressing them is important. Recovery usually involves greater depths of understanding about who we are, the good, the bad and the ugly, and this always leads to growth.
If your partner is drinking every night and hungover every day, then they are not well. If they have a drink problem, then your relationship has a drink problem.
Perhaps you have been enabling their drinking, or making excuses for them, or keeping their drinking problem from others. None of this is healthy either. If your partner places a higher priority on any of these things than you, which is the nature of addiction, then I suggest you insist that these addictions are addressed, seriously.
No empty promises, no temporary measures. Real change over the long term is what we are talking about here. Changes that are monitored and assessed to ensure real growth and development is sustained. Exceptional marriages require both partners to be emotionally intelligent, emotionally available and physically healthy. There is therefore no place for harmful addictions, and they should not be accepted or tolerated but rather tackled head on.
3. Culture
In my opinion, negative or unhealthy cultural stereotypes should not be welcome in healthy romantic relationships. It’s also worth considering what these harmful ideologies do to our children’s developing sense of their own masculinity or femininity too.
Obsessive following of gendered ideologies like modern feminism or ‘Men Go Their Own Way’ creates division and individualism, which makes maintaining intimate relationships between the sexes almost impossible. I see this in my practise often: “Men need to understand that…” or “The problem with women is…” These attitudes are corrosive to relationships and do nothing but demean and belittle an opposite sex spouse.
An individualistic and ideologically driven partner will be more inclined to look out for their own needs rather than focusing on what is good for you and the overall success of the relationship. They will tend to advocate for themselves at the expense of mutual fulfilment. This creates a competitive atmosphere where each partner is more interested in asserting dominance and control than in creating a loving, secure attachment.
A husband is not ‘the patriarchy’, just as a wife is not ‘typical women’.
These stories are told and repeated everywhere from the news, social media, magazines, Hollywood movies and even casual chat at your children’s sporting events.
If you feel like your partner is consuming information and absorbing ideologies that are interfering with their ability to treat you like an individual, then you have a right to challenge them. If they are truly interested in equality after all, then surely their primary relationship is the best place to put it into practise.
Ditch the magazines, the celebrity gossip, the social media accounts and throw your TV in the bin. My husband and I did exactly this back in 2007, and I honestly consider it to be one of the best decisions we ever made as a couple.
4. Poor Physical Health
A low quality marriage usually precedes bad health, but that’s not to say poor health doesn’t negatively affect a marriage. It does. I guess it’s a bit of a chicken or egg scenario.
Poor physical health causes stress which will contribute to poor psychological health. Bad diet, poor sleep and sedentary lifestyles can lead to more negative interactions and emotions, more conflict and less ability to accurately assess emotions. Also, obesity, which is a typical side effect of poor health is known to contribute to poor self-image, low self-esteem, low libido, anxiety and depression. These are all problems that will reduce your partner’s ability to feel good about being physically intimate with you, or perhaps close to you in anyway. Not exactly fertile marriage terrain.
If you feel like your partner is failing to look after their physical health, it’s okay to talk to them about it from a place of loving empathy and concern. Don’t accept stonewalling and don’t allow them to make excuses. I know this is not easy, but it’s perfectly healthy to ask our partners to look after themselves in this way.
I want my husband to be in good shape and I know he wants the same for me. We have a lot more fun when both of us are well in this way, so it’s something that we monitor closely with each other.
5. Hormones
Hormones are going to affect every single one of us, male or female at some point if they haven’t already. Some women, including me, can suffer from quite intense premenstrual tension or dysphoria. Emotional symptoms can occur rapidly and seemingly out of nowhere and can include the following:
- Mood swings
- Irritability
- Anger
- Feeling overwhelmed
- Depression
- Self-critical thoughts
- Fatigue
- Difficulty concentrating
The onset of feeling like your husband is definitely the enemy can be quite convincing and obviously quite damaging. Arguments can last for a full week and can be so draining that they might take a fortnight to recover from. By which point you might only have one week of calm before the entire cycle repeats itself. Fun for the whole family! Don’t underestimate how much this exhausting dynamic can harm a marriage over the long term.
Thankfully the solution is relatively simple and has worked very well for my husband and me.
Track menstrual cycles and mark them on a calendar for all to see. That way each of you know what’s really going on when symptoms appear, and negative emotions can be properly attributed and managed. A little more space, understanding and leeway would be helpful for a few days too. Open communication and empathy from both partners are critical but please trust me when I say that it can be successfully managed. Accountability and mindfulness on her part is a winning addition to this situation also.
Menopause of course also comes with a lot of the same symptoms and many more so it can be a very challenging time for both spouses. Consider looking into HRT which can be a godsend for many women and by extension men too.
Hormones don’t just affect women of course Men also go through hormonal changes as they age, and their testosterone levels drop.
Symptoms of low testosterone include:
- Low sex drive
- Fatigue
- Reduced muscle mass
- Erectile dysfunction
- Depression
- Low Motivation
If your husband is exhibiting any of these symptoms and the causes aren’t immediately obvious, then it might be worth getting his testosterone levels checked so that you can at least rule that out. If he is low then you can make a decision, as a couple, whether or not to consider medical intervention.
6. No Marital Code
I often ask couples what they believe about marriage, and what they promised to each other when they got married.
- What did your spouse vow to you?
- Do they have faith in what they vowed?
- Is marriage important to them?
- Do they consider themselves to be a good spouse?
- How Importantly do they take their role as husband or wife?
When I ask these questions, couples often look a little dumbfounded and admit that they haven’t really given it that much thought. This, in my view is a major part of the problem.
If you don’t have a good understanding of what you believe about something, it’s likely that you might not really know what you’re doing, let alone how to do it well. In marriage, many of us promised to have and to hold and to cherish from that day forth. We agreed to honour our spouses with our bodies and to share our worldly goods. Until death do us part.
If your partner is often drunk or hungover, or if they can’t put their phone down to have a conversation with you, or if they’re jacking off to the local 7/11 checkout girl on Only Fans, then they are guilty of breaking the code.
What we are talking about today is the worse in the ‘for better or worse’, or the sickness in ‘in sickness and in health’. We agreed to see these things through. Not to hold up our hands and say that it’s hopeless. If your spouse is unkind, unhealthy, unavailable, or dishonest, then it’s your responsibility to wake them up. Grab them with both hands and pull them out. Agree upon a code of conduct. Find a way of making your promises to each other a way of life. Lean into problems, and challenge anything that breaks the code.
7. Attachment Issues
- Do you know your spouse’s full childhood story?
- Were they brought up in a loving and secure household?
- Did their parents model a successful marriage?
- Were they held, celebrated and encouraged or were they rejected, shamed and belittled?
These early childhood experiences will have shaped the attachment styles of the adult you are now married to, so learning about them in depth will help you understand why they are the way they are.
If you don’t know anything about attachment styles, then here are the basics.
- People with a Secure Attachment style are comfortable with intimacy and can form trusting relationships and communicate their needs and emotions well.
- People with an Anxious Attachment style tend to be clingy, needy, low on trust and fearful of abandonment, often seeking reassurance.
- People with an Avoidant Attachment style tend to be more independent and are uncomfortable with emotional intimacy.
If you are worried your partner may have a dysfunctional attachment style, then I urge you to do some reading and that you encourage your spouse to do the same. It IS fully possible to heal from childhood trauma and to create a securely attached relationships with enough loving support, individual therapy and time.
A lot of healing can be brought about simply by becoming more aware of own attachment issues. When we become more mindful and attuned to our own pain, our own fears and maladaptive strategies for protection, we then stand more of a chance of making positive changes. When we do this consistently our relationships will be transformed.
8. Excessive Negativity
It’s hard to enjoy life, or exercise, or sex, or music, or children, or marriage or anything else if you have a generally negative outlook on the world. One spouse’s negativity can work like a slow acting poison on a marriage, seeping into every corner of your lives. If there’s no joy, playfulness, lust for life, or excitement for the future then it’s likely your household will end up devoid of colour.
Overly negative people tend to suffer from higher levels of stress and anxiety. They are more likely to develop cardiovascular disease, hypertension and are more prone to infections. They tend to be more judgmental, demanding and often lack interest in others.
The toxicity of a negative spouse can become so extreme that it can affect your own sense of positivity and eventually lead to the breakdown of the entire marriage. If your spouse is generally negative then it’s worth considering not only their physical health and childhood story as mentioned previously, but also what information they’re consuming and the type of people they spend time with.
- Are they obsessing about the world events and news?
- Do they worry about things they have no control over?
- Do they feel hopeless about the future?
- Are they unable to let go of the past?
- Do they consume media that is harming their self-esteem?
- Do they watch movies with dark or unsettling themes?
- Are they socialising with other negative people?
If I spent my spare time hanging out with women who constantly bitch and moan about men, or if I was so worried about the next election that I couldn’t crack a smile at home, or if I hadn’t forgiven my husband for something he said 2 years ago, then he would have something to say. And, I would respect him for it!
The energy your spouse brings to the relationship matters. If their mood is too often low or negative, then work out why this might be and challenge them about it. Again, try to do this with kindness and compassion. It’s just a problem that needs addressing for the good of the relationship, it’s not a personal attack.
This was not an exhaustive list, there are plenty of other ways we can each harm the chances of success in our marriages, but it’s something to start with and will hopefully get you all thinking.
I’d be really interested to hear about issues you are experiencing that haven’t been covered here. Please do leave a comment below to let me know what you think.
If we each develop a good understanding of the things that threaten our chances of success as couples then surely we increase our chances of success.
Upholding Marital Vows
Keeping our vows in mind, and having a good sense of what we believe about marriage, is an integral part of mine and my husbands success as a couple. We take anything that interferes with our ability to take care of ourselves, and therefore each other incredibly seriously. Neither one of us is afraid to speak up when the other is doing something that’s damaging to the proper functioning of our relationship. This willingness to face problems head on, and our mutual interest in solutions, has been the mechanism that maintains not just our marriage, but also our individual health, and the health of our family unit. Our marriage has facilitated our mutual growth, and it continues to do so. I feel like I am my husbands priority and I am sure he would tell you that he feels he is mine. We are both sensitive to changes that interfere with that sense of teamwork and fulfilment, and we’ve become skilled at recognising such things quickly.
We are supposed to give our partners the best of ourselves, not the worst. Exceptional relationships are created by individuals that are radiating health and wellbeing. If your partner is dysfunctional in some way, then they are damaging to you and to your family if you have children. Addressing such issues successfully is part of a healthy marriage.
Next week I’ll be talking about healthy practices that ensure women remain available to their husbands, so if you fancy hearing about that keep a look out here for it next week!
In the meantime, to yourself and to others, Tell the Truth.
