What Does ‘Libido’ Really Mean?
We commonly think of the word libido to simply mean ‘sex-drive’. And whilst that’s certainly true, it’s actually much more than that. The Latin word libido means desire, longing or lust and it refers to our psychic drive and energy. It’s a universal lust for life, that encompasses our impulses to create and to naturally express ourselves so that we can live as fully as we can.
I would go as far as to say that libido is one of the key indicators of general health and quality of life.
So, ladies, if your libido is low and you want it to improve, or if you’re not even sure what all the fuss is about, then this article is for you. Or if you’re a man who loves a woman who’s lost her sparkle, then it will give you the tools to help her to recover that spirit.
I’m going to explain what libido really is, why it’s probably more important than you think, what lowers it and how to get it back on track.
I consider my libido to be hugely important and an indicator of being fully functional, healthy, and alive. I’m cautious of anything that threatens it, and I take full responsibility for working out exactly what’s required to keep it alive. I think of libido as a vibrant and colourful force. It’s in the way I move through the world. It’s in my emotional response to nature, music or art. It’s in my sense of awe and humour, and it’s in my ability to be present and passionate with those I love.
Health Benefits of Sex
It’s also of course a powerful sexual motivator, and I couldn’t write about the benefits of libido without at least touching on the health and relationship benefits of sex itself. So, here’s a few science backed benefits of sex in case you’re still not convinced libido is a force worth celebrating and protecting:
- Decreased depression and anxiety
- Improved heart health
- Improved brain health
- Reduced stress
- Lower blood pressure
- Boosted immunity
- Pain relief
- Longer life span
- Greater intimacy
- Better self-image
- Higher rates of happiness
- Deeper bonding
- Improved sleep quality
So, clearly sex is good for us on many levels and I for one intend to keep that flame burning for a long as I possibly can. My husband, needless to say, is fully supportive of this endeavour!
It’s important to note that libido isn’t just something positive for my own health and the health of my marriage. This life energy is with me when I work with clients, when I parent or when I engage in cheerful conversations with the people I meet. It’s infectious, it’s life giving and it’s good for everyone. But sadly, and I’ve learnt this the hard way, it’s not something that just continues to exist without due care or attention. If I’m missing the mark in some area of my life, or if I’m not receiving the love I need, then it’s often the first thing to disappear and it’s a warning sign that something needs attention. For me at least, it’s the canary in the psychological coal mine.
For men, libido is generally robust and takes some sort of hammer blow to diminish it. Extreme stress, heavy drinking, very poor health or strong medications. If a man’s not horny then it usually doesn’t take too much investigation to find out why. But for us women it’s much more fragile and requires more interest, care and attention. It’s a flame that we hold in our hands. It needs fuel, it needs to breathe, and it needs shelter. If men’s libido is like the ocean waves, rolling in and out with predictable force and precision, then ours is more like the great barrier reef. It’s beautiful and enchanting when it thrives, but it’s also complex, delicate and extremely susceptible to the slightest environmental changes.
Libido and joy usually go hand in hand ladies, so if yours is low, and I’ve managed to convince you that it’s worth fighting for, then here’s a few common threats to consider and what to do about them if you are affected. They’re not all easy fixes but I promise it will be worth the effort.
Common Causes of Low Libido
1. Relationship Dissatisfaction
If your intimate relationship is stressing you to high heaven, if you don’t trust your partner, you don’t feel secure or you have little faith in the relationship in general, then your libido will probably run for the hills. Challenge any behaviour or unhealthy character traits clearly and consistently. Insist on change for the good of the relationship. If we really want to be fully energised, we need to think seriously about any dysfunctional behaviour that drains good energy from us.
If you believe the way you are being treated by your partner is affecting your libido, then tell them straight. You have a right to feel safe, seen, loved and supported in your relationship.
2. Sustained Periods of Stress
Stress affects all of us to varying degrees throughout our lives and thankfully our bodies usually handle it and recover quickly. Brief periods of financial uncertainty, heavy workloads or feeling overburdened can usually be taken in our stride. But sustained periods of chronic stress or traumatic life events can wreak havoc on our energy levels, motivation, general wellbeing and even our hormones. When the stress hormone cortisol is heightened for long periods, it can lower our testosterone levels which can lead to mood changes, fatigue, insomnia, weight gain and low libido.
If your life situation has become unmanageable or you can’t see an end to a stressful situation then please talk to someone and ask for support as a matter of urgency. Whether it’s you partner, your boss, a friend, a family member or a mental health professional, I urge you to at least begin the process of lightening the load you are carrying.
I am highly sensitive to stress and so I’m careful to confine anything too stressful to short periods. Consider doing the same if you are similar to me in this way.
3. Poor Sleep & Fatigue
Although stress can cause fatigue, you don’t necessarily need to be stressed to not get enough sleep. If you find yourself sacrificing sleep for trivial reasons like watching Netflix or scrolling on your phone until the early hours, then you’re going to end up progressively more and more fatigued. And as with stress, lack of sleep will affect the delicate balance of female sex hormones in your body. Over time, almost every area of your life from mood and cognition to productivity and outlook will become negatively affected. I cannot stress enough how important good sleep is for our wellbeing so please make it a major priority in your life.
Studies show that if women sleep eight hours a night, libido goes up. So, if you want that feel good buzz of libido in your life, get to bed early ladies! 9pm to 6am works beautifully for me.
4. Poor Physical Health
A diet high in sugar or highly processed foods can lead to a host of metabolic illnesses, obesity, hormone imbalances and consequently of course, low libido. A sedentary lifestyle too will negatively affect your general energy levels, motivation and mood. A clean diet and a strong body will make you feel calmer, happier and more confident in no time.
So, if you want the joie de vivre that comes with good physical health then ditch the sugar, eat healthy, whole foods and hit the gym. Pretty obvious stuff, but I’m amazed at how much the value of physical health is overlooked or underestimated.
5. Childhood Trauma
Women who have suffered childhood trauma often report having a low libido. Trauma can negatively affect our desire for sex, our ability to become aroused, feel pleasure or orgasm. It can cause dissociation, communication issues, sexual avoidance and low self-esteem. I know childhood trauma is a difficult topic to discuss as our stories are all so unique and complex. But for now, I can say with some authority and from personal experience that it really is possible to heal and that it’s extremely rewarding to come through the other side.
Reach out to a professional for support as soon as you are able. If you don’t know where to start, here are some book recommendations.
6. Poor Body image
Poor body image, which is basically feeling like you are in some way defective or unattractive is kryptonite to libido. It causes us to want to close down, hide, or disappear completely. It leads to decreased sexual desire, lower self-esteem, poor quality relationships, significant psychological distress and can even trigger eating disorders. Assuming you’re not morbidly obese, which is a health issue that you will need to address rather than a body image issue, then you might want to consider reducing your exposure to harmful or toxic female imagery. You don’t need to see it; it won’t add any value to your life and consuming it will just make you feel bad about yourself.
Comparison as they say, is the thief of joy, so ditch the glossy magazines, the mindless celebrity TV shows, the social media accounts and instead bring your focus and attention back to you own unique beauty. I made this change in 2007 and can’t recommend it highly enough.
7. Poor Mental Health
Depression is very closely correlated with low libido, and it can of course be caused by much of what I’ve mentioned so far. People with depression often suffer from reduced energy, low self-esteem, an inability to enjoy things they used to, and it can even cause us to view our partners through a negative lens. All these things will of course significantly lower your libido. If you a suffering from depression, then start tackling it head on by addressing your relationship issues, stress levels, sleep, physical health, trauma and self-esteem. I know that’s easier said than done, but again, these things often feel more manageable when we ask for help and support. So as a first step, do that.
8. Dress Code & Appearance
If you were to open your closet right now, how much colour would you see? Do you feel confident when you leave the house, or do you feel like you’d prefer not to be noticed at all? If you have a habit of dressing like you’re ready to lie on a morgue tray and be pushed into a cold chamber, then that might suggest your libido could use a little lift. I know this sounds trivial but there’s actually plenty of research that suggests colour and adornment can strongly affect mood.
So, treat yourself to a shopping trip now and then. Add some colour and sparkle to your wardrobe. Head up, shoulders back. And if that doesn’t feel natural just yet, then fake it until you make it. Dress how you want to feel, and the feelings will follow.
9. Medical Products
Unfortunately I am unable to discuss this topic in any depth as I am not medically trained. But what I will say is please, please read the fine print on any medical products that you are consuming and speak to a medical professional if you believe they might be having an impact on your libido.
10. Hormone Changes
Hormonal shifts are inevitable and are a common cause of low libido. The natural decrease in the sex hormones oestrogen, progesterone, and in particular, testosterone will at some point have an impact on your libido. If your general drive is low or non-existent it is worth checking your hormone levels. There are plenty of options available to help both naturally and medically so seek professional advice if you think hormonal changes might be affecting you.
The form you have selected does not exist.
So, as you can see there are a huge number of reasons us women can suffer with low libido, but there are also plenty of things we can do to put it back in the fast lane. This isn’t just an academic exercise for me either, I’ve been there and I’ve done the work to recover it myself so I know it works.
Libido is Worth Fighting For
Remember, your feminine libido is YOURS and it’s a beautiful and unique part of what makes you the woman you are. If it’s low or lost, then a part of you is low or lost and that’s not something to just accept if you truly want to live a full and rich life.
And don’t believe for a second, that it’s just a natural part of aging, or being a mum, or having a billion other responsibilities.
You can see the glow of libido in older women who’ve managed to keep it alive. They still have a sparkle in their eyes and a lightness to their whole being that is truly remarkable and beautiful if you have the eyes to see it. You’ve surely met them yourselves. They have a knowing look or a cheeky grin, they reach for your hand when you’re talking, and they look directly into your eyes. They’re still fully present and very much alive. Just being in their company is a positive experience.
You can be a wife, a CEO, a carer, a mum or a grandmother and still have a kick ass libido.
It’s a feeling of aliveness and presence and it’s yearning for connection. It’s reaching out in life and pulling the right things towards you. It’s an openness and willingness to experience pleasure and it’s the motivation to give it back. It’s your mojo ladies, and sometimes you must make yourself a priority and do some work if you want to keep that side of yourself alive and kicking.
Life with a healthy libido is better than a life without it. So, get to work ladies, you are worth the effort.
Thanks for reading, have a wonderful Christmas and I’ll see you in 2025.
In the meantime, to yourself and to others, Tell the Truth.
