Why Porn is Bad for Marriage

Porn in Marriage

If you want your marriage to thrive then it must be treated as a major priority in your life. In order for this to be the case it is essential to challenge your own behaviours on a regular basis by asking yourself this simple question: Is this good for my marriage, or bad for it? Because for a marriage to function optimally, it must be protected from any external influences that threaten to harm it. Whether that’s drugs, alcohol, ill health, extra marital relationships, or for the purposes of this discussion: Porn.

As a therapist, I hear time and time again from married women who say they are hurt and alarmed by their husband’s porn use. They tell me that it’s taking its toll on their feelings of self-worth, marital security, and especially their willingness to be sexually close with their husbands. If that scenario sounds familiar, then this article is for you. I’m aware it’s not going to be my most popular blog post to date, but I’d urge you to read until the end if you can stomach it because I think it’s important.

The Porn Industry

The porn industry generates $10-15 billion annually in the U.S. alone and it contributes to roughly 15% of total internet traffic.

A 2018 study found 91.5% of men consumed pornography in the past month. Basically almost ALL men. It’s also consumed by over 60% of women, so if that’s you then this article applies to you too. It just so happens that only 6% of my audience are female, so this has been written primarily for the husbands who are watching.

A 2023 report found that 15% of children had viewed pornography by age 10 or younger. In fact, many young boys now will see violent pornography before they have ever even hold a girls hand in real life.

The largest internet porn provider, Mindgeek, who own Pornhub, has been the subject of multiple lawsuits and accusations including profiting from non-consensual content, child abuse material, and sex trafficking.

Slapping, choking, and other degrading acts, are so commonly depicted in porn these days that a growing number of young people are entering their sexual lives believing this is what normal, consensual sex looks like.

STIs, depression, addiction, PTSD, Trauma, coercion, exploitation, and social ostracism are commonly experienced by porn performers, leaving them at a far higher risk of suicide than the general population.

Strong links have also been found between frequent pornography use and reduced relationship stability, significantly lower commitment, altered sexual expectations, reduced intimacy, and emotional detachment.

So that’s the scope and effect of the porn industry in a nutshell. Now, let’s take a look at some of the factors that contribute to marital problems.

Porn Addiction

It’s well known that pornography stimulates the dopamine system, which is associated with pleasure and motivation. Over time, repeated porn use strengthens neural pathways, triggering cravings which can fuel compulsive use. In other words, porn is addictive. As with any addiction, a crash, or mild depression always follows the previous fix, which can lead to depression like symptoms, moodiness and aggression. As the brain gets used to similar stimuli it will require more intense or novel content to achieve the same reward.  This is why people report rarely watching the same video more than once. It is this tolerance to sexual stimuli that leads to issues such as a reduced sensitivity to real life situations.

I have, for example, worked with several young men now who sadly, as a direct result of chronic porn use, are totally unable to become aroused during sexual encounters with real women, and so they avoid them altogether.  Porn has literally stopped their penises from working. And, as if that wasn’t alarming enough, it’s also stopped them from developing the proper social and emotional skills arguably necessary for creating intimate relationships with others more generally.

Lastly, addiction leads to feelings of guilt and shame. I’d argue strongly, that in order to be a truly decent lover, we need to have a strong sense of personal integrity. We need to show up authentically, with nothing to hide. How can you embrace your spouse with the vulnerability true intimacy requires if you’re keeping secrets and engaging in activities that darken your conscience? It’s simple, you can’t.

Sexual Expectations

If enough of your sexual stimuli comes from pornography you might end up believing that most women enjoy performing the acts, you choose to watch.  You might delude yourself that, in sex women always feel confident, happy and perky, and that they’re always in the mood, always eager to please, and they’re up for anything, anytime. It’s worth saying that obviously, anyone with the eyes to see, can tell that’s far from the reality of what most of the performers are in fact feeling or experiencing.

And then of course, there’s your wife.  A complex human being with her own mind and spirit and her own life story. Maybe since having children, her energy, libido and confidence have tanked and therefore she’s struggling with her sexuality. Maybe she’s not as carefree as she once was, and therefore perhaps not always in the mood to drop to her knees the minute you get home from work. How disappointing.

I’m being extreme of course, but it illustrates a very common effect that porn can have on our perception of our partners, and it’s one that can often lead to unrealistic expectations and even resentment. If the benchmark for what you find sexually arousing is set by your porn viewing habits, then you are at a high risk of a diminished ability to appreciate and respond to the unique sexual experiences of your wife.

Self-Perception

Generally speaking, porn presents unrealistic and idealized depictions of bodies, body parts and sexual performance.

This can make users feel inadequate about their appearance, size, or performance, which can lead to anxiety, shame, performance issues and even complete sexual withdrawal.

Self acceptance is crucial if you want to feel good about yourself sexually, so why expose yourself to anything that reduces your feelings of self-worth?  I’ve heard people, men and women alike, say they have actually felt apologetic about their bodies during sex.  They feel ashamed that they’re too small, too big, too soft, too old.

I know men who actually prefer to use pornography rather than have sex with their wives because of the sexual shame porn has induced.

For sex to feel enjoyable and unconstrained we need to feel that we’re enough, and we need to feel that ultimately, we’re a gift to our partners as a profound source of pleasure, rather than a disappointment.

Trust Issues

Honesty and transparency are vital components of any healthy, functional intimate relationship. Unsurprisingly however, pornography use in marriage is commonly hidden and consumed in secrecy.  The phone in the bathroom, the incognito browser in the office. Sneaking around and hiding the evidence is par for the course with these transgressions.

However, you dress it up, hiding something from your spouse is a form of betrayal and it will diminish their trust in you over time. Not to mention the impact that this covert and unhealthy behaviour has on your feelings of trust in yourself.

Sexuality is supposed to be a sacred part of marital union, one that is discussed openly and shared with a vulnerability that requires a high level of trust and transparency.  If your wife is concerned that you’re masturbating to videos of someone’s naked daughter, then they may well assume you don’t view your sexual relationship with them as sacred. Fair enough.

Marital Fidelity

Fidelity is defined as a state of being faithful or loyal. Faithful is defined as being steadfast in affection or allegiance. Steadfast in allegiance to your spouse.

Therefore, if your sexual energy is directed outside the realms of you marriage, in whatever form, then your marital fidelity will be compromised. And yes, this includes the wives who like to get their rocks off to graphic romance novels of course, the like of ‘Fifty Shades’ but that’s beyond the scope of this particular discussion. It is however, a comparable form of sexual transgression.

Monogamy, by it’s very definition demands complete sexual fidelity. And so, by this definition, porn use should be considered a form of non-monogamy.  It’s not quite polyamory or a full-blown affair, granted, but it’s on the same scale and it’s effects will be felt.

Avoidance of Real Issues

If you are in a sexless marriage and porn is sought as a substitute for sexual connection with your wife, then it will invariably reduce the motivation you feel to address the deeper and more important issues within your marriage. If a sexless marriage is your problem, porn use is not the solution. In fact, I think porn might be a major contributing factor to the problem.

Like any other form of unhealthy self-soothing behaviours, porn use in this context will serve as little more than a pacifier.  Something to ease the pain of a situation which in fact requires uncompromised self esteem to address head on. It’s often raw frustration that fuels our motivation to address the root causes of our problems. If your wife won’t have sex with you, then the task is to find out why. And if she refuses to engage in the conversation, as I so often hear, then book an appointment for both of you with a sex positive therapist.

If you are using porn, it will help to admit it to your wife, if you haven’t already. It is often easier for couples to make progress when each partner becomes more accountable for the role they are playing in the problems they are encountering.

It’s also worth saying here that contrary to popular opinion, porn isn’t actually necessary for masturbation. We’ve got by for hundreds of thousands of years without it.  In fact, I’d say porn use, even if it were morally sound, robs you of the opportunity to explore your own inner erotic world. It might satisfy you momentarily, like a big mac, but it comes with significant risks and it’s not going to sustain you or your marriage in the long term.

Because porn is, in my opinion, the MacDonald’s of sex. The junk version. It lights up the brain like a fucking Christmas tree, but does nothing for your soul, or your body, or for your relationship with yourself and others. Its empty, damaging and devoid of love and nourishment. It should come with warnings, like a packet of old school cigarettes. It’s dirty and degrading, a pollutant. It has nothing whatsoever meaningful or lifegiving about it.

The Morality of Porn Use

Pornography use, before it’s ubiquitous rise with the internet, used to be considered somewhat perverted, and it was certainly more challenging to acquire. To buy a magazine, you’d have to reach up to the top shelf in front of everyone in the local corner shop, and then offer it to the counter clerk without making eye contact.  There were social barriers to its acquisition and its proliferation.  These barriers kept most of us in check.

Now, with unfettered and unrestricted private access to all the porn in the world, which you can watch anywhere, anytime, and the inevitable result has been that it’s become generally accepted as cool and normal. Our little private screenings, in dark and secret spaces, have numbed us and removed us entirely from the cold reality of what, and who we’re really engaging with.

Consider this thought experiment:

Would you continue to watch and masturbate to the people on your screen if you had to be there in person?  If you would not, why not? Because it would be embarrassing? Because you’d feel ashamed?  Because it’s immoral?  Perverted?  Voyeuristic?  Would you tell your spouse?  Your friends? More importantly, would it feel like a betrayal to your marriage?

Probably. But for some reason, engaging in these activities via the anonymity and proxy of a device somehow makes it socially acceptable.  Most people do it after all, so what’s the big deal?

This is mass collusion and mass delusion.

As Jiddu Krishnamurti put it:

“It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.“

And I think that’s what we’re dealing with.

Because if you spend part of your day masturbating to a series of stranger’s genitals on the internet, particularly if you’re married, then I’d suggest that you’re not entirely in control of your sexuality. I’d also argue that your sexuality has gone underground. I’d also wager that your wife won’t respect you or feel respected by you for this behaviour. And I highly doubt you respect yourself.

An integrated woman who expects to be revered and cherished by an integrated man will not feel compelled to make herself sexually vulnerable to a man who’s addicted to porn and or lying about it.  She just won’t. Truly healthy men and women find the idea of jerking off to people they don’t know on the internet utterly bewildering.

Benefits of Abstaining From Porn

If we really want to experience the best that relationships have to offer, then we need to become coherent and whole ourselves. This requires that each of us develop fully, properly, and in all the ways that we can develop. It requires that in each area of our lives, we are making the right choices and living skilfully and healthily.

The assumption of responsibility for such choices is one of the hallmarks of maturity, as is discipline. And in order for our relationships to be healthy, we need to mature, and we need to have discipline. We need to become stable, sane and strong. We cannot do this if we continually engage in behaviours that sicken and weaken us.

To abstain from pornography is to abstain from one of the most pervasive and destructive aspects of the modern landscape.

Saying no to pornography is saying yes to full psycho-sexual health. It is an act of self-love, self-care, and self-respect. It is to take responsibility for ensuring that we remain sexually mature. It means that we have to work out how to get our sexual needs met in ways that are not harmful to ourselves, and not harmful to others. It means we have to work out what to do about our sexual appetites within proper relationship to another. With honour and respect. This is very hard, but it is also deeply meaningful.

Marriage & Sexual Integrity

As a non user of porn, I have an authentic, wholesome and organised connection to myself as a sexual being. I trust myself in this way and I like who I am. As a result of this, I have a sexual connection with my husband that is faithful, honest, and dignified. Our sex life feels alive, like something we are lovingly creating together. A shared journey; full of touch, affection, profound care, growing understanding and faith in one another. We are not at risk of divorce. I have faith, given our journey thus far, that we will continue to remain close sexually through each phase of our lives. This is what security in relationship feels like. What I am explaining here of course is the nature of fidelity. It is what you feel when you and your spouse choose to be faithful to each other.

As a woman, I can say it feels sad and somewhat unnerving to know that almost all men are regular consumers of pornography. I pray to God my son never goes near it. That he might be one of the very few who abstains and is therefore able to develop his own sexuality with clarity and in alignment with his own moral values. Unaffected and unpolluted by the maelstrom of imagery and vulgarity he will sadly have to fight to avoid.

So, I urge you to ask yourself what kind of marriage you are really hoping to create. If the answer is a truly intimate, faithful, caring, and mutually respectful one, then you will need to consider the choices you are making in regards to pornography. If we want our marriages to thrive then we simply must guard against the all things that threaten to weaken them.

I don’t think there is a case to be made for pornography in marriage. In fact, I don’t think there is a case to be made for pornography full stop. To choose pornography is to wander down a dark and treacherous path. Like many other elements in life however, we are of course free to choose. But, I urge you to choose well, because make no mistake, the quality and outcome of your lives, and your marriages most definitely depends upon important choices such as these.