Is Sex an Emotional Need?

Is Sexual Intimacy a Want or a Need?

If you engage with relationship advice content as I do, you’re likely aware that the discussion surrounding relational needs is a hot topic.

The need for emotional connection. The need for honest communication. The need for boundaries.

All good stuff and you won’t find many people arguing that those aren’t all reasonable relationship needs. But what about the need for sexual intimacy? Interestingly, there seems to be some controversy as to whether sex is a valid need at all. In fact, you’ll hear many state quite confidently in these discussions that only air, food, water and shelter are needs and that anything beyond these survival essentials shouldn’t even be considered a need.

This perspective frequently surfaces in debates about sex, with statements like:

“Sex is a want, not a need.”
“You don’t need sex to be happy.” 
“Nobody ever died from a lack of sex.”

Whilst it’s certainly true that a lack of sex won’t kill a person overnight, I think we can all agree it would be considered rather callous to speak about other relationship needs in the same tone.

“Respect is a want, not a need.”
“You don’t need affection to be happy.”
“Nobody ever died from a lack of companionship.”

Hopefully we all want more for our partners than that. So, in this article, I’m going to explain why sexual intimacy is a legitimate and essential need in a romantic relationship, regardless of whether you or your partner experience spontaneous desire for it.

What is a Need?

Firstly, let’s clarify what a need actually is.

According to Merriam-Webster, the noun ‘need’ is defined as follows:

1. A necessary duty: an obligation
2. A lack of something requisite, desirable, or useful
3. A physiological or psychological requirement for the well-being of an organism
4. A condition requiring supply or relief

In other words, a need is something that you can’t be okay without.

So, to determine whether sexual intimacy is a physiological or psychological requirement for the well-being of an individual or a relationship, let’s explore the research comparing outcomes of a sexually active lifestyle with a life without sexual intimacy.

Health Outcomes of a Sexual Life vs. A Non Sexual Life

Benefits of Regular Sexual Intimacy to an Individual

• Improved Cardiovascular Health ⁽¹⁾
• Boosted Immunity ⁽²⁾
• Pain Reduction ⁽³⁾
• Prostate Cancer Risk Reduction ⁽⁴⁾
• Reduced Risk of Mortality (Particularly in women) ⁽⁵⁾
• Enhanced Mental Health ⁽⁶⁾
• Improved Memory ⁽⁷⁾
• Increased Confidence and Appearance ⁽⁸⁾
• Reduced Stress ⁽⁹⁾
• Lower Blood Pressure (Particularly in Women) ⁽¹⁰⁾

Benefits of Regular Sexual Intimacy to a Couple

• Increased Emotional Intimacy ⁽²¹⁾
• Improved Relationship Satisfaction ⁽²²⁾
• Reduced Stress and Anxiety ⁽²³⁾
• Enhanced Communication ⁽²⁴⁾
• Lower Divorce Rates ⁽²⁵⁾
• Strengthened Trust ⁽²⁶⁾
• Enhanced Relationship Commitment ⁽²⁷⁾
• Improved Conflict Resolution ⁽²⁸⁾
• Increased Partner Appreciation ⁽²⁹⁾
• Increased Relationship Longevity ⁽³⁰⁾

Consequences of No Sexual Intimacy to an Individual

• Increased Stress Levels ⁽¹¹⁾
• Mood Swings or Depression ⁽¹²⁾
• Weakened Immune system ⁽¹³⁾
• Sleep Disturbances ⁽¹⁴⁾
• Reduced Cardiovascular Health ⁽¹⁵⁾
• Lower Self-Esteem or Confidence ⁽¹⁶⁾
• Reduced Cognitive Function ⁽¹⁷⁾
• Erectile Dysfunction ⁽¹⁸⁾
• Loneliness & Isolation ⁽¹⁹⁾
• Reduced Pain Tolerance ⁽²⁰⁾

Consequences of No Sexual Intimacy to a Couple

• Decreased Relationship Satisfaction ⁽³¹⁾
• Increased Emotional Distance ⁽³²⁾
• Higher Risk of Infidelity ⁽³³⁾
• Elevated Stress and Tension ⁽³⁴⁾
• Weakened Communication ⁽³⁵⁾
• Higher Likelihood of Relationship Dissolution ⁽³⁶⁾
• Lowered Sense of Partnership ⁽³⁷⁾
• Increased Feelings of Resentment ⁽³⁸⁾
• Diminished Sexual Confidence ⁽³⁹⁾
• Reduced Sense of Romantic Connection ⁽⁴⁰⁾

So it’s pretty clear the evidence overwhelmingly supports the notion that sexual intimacy is indeed a fundamental emotional need. Over the long term, it could also be considered a health need, given the profound physical and psychological consequences of its absence.

Furthermore, I would argue that just because a person doesn’t experience a burning spontaneous desire for sex, it doesn’t mean they wouldn’t benefit from having more of it. Not everyone feels motivated to exercise, but the undeniable benefits for your health, quality of life, and longevity make it a wise choice and one that’s worth embracing with a positive mindset.

It’s understandable that not everyone recognizes the emotional and spiritual components of sexual intimacy, which might explain the common misconception that it’s no more than a fleeting desire or trivial want rather than a deeper human need. Factors such as health challenges, past trauma, or negative experiences can of course shape one’s perspective, and these deserve empathy and understanding. However, acknowledging the profound role that sex can play in fostering human connection, trust and physical well-being is worth reflecting on.

So, having established what constitutes a need and identified sex as one, let’s see how it stacks up against other well-recognized and commonly accepted relationship needs.

Reasonable Relationship Needs

• Communication
• Respect
• Trust
• Commitment
• Quality Time
• Affection
• Appreciation
• Empathy
• Friendship
• Satisfying Sex
• Compromise
• Generosity

This list is not exhaustive of course but they are all reasonable and they all qualify as emotional ‘needs’ according to standard dictionary definitions. The order of importance you or your partner assign to them is a matter of personal preference.

Relationship Needs are Unique & Individual

In my own marriage for example, I can confidently say my husband would put ‘satisfying sex’ somewhere near the very top of his relationship needs list.  And I can see why. He absolutely thrives when we’re engaging in this way, and he suffers when we’re not.  For me historically, I would probably have said trust or quality time were paramount, however I have come to place sex at the top having lived the benefits for too long to doubt the power of it. Amen.

The point is, it’s not up to us to determine which of our partner’s expressed needs are valid and which we can dismiss as unreasonable due to our own feelings about them. Our partners are the ultimate authority on what their needs are and how important it is to them that they are met sufficiently.

Obviously I mean within reason; it’s not our job to make our partners feel ok about themselves if they are emotionally lacking in areas only they can address. But, it’s fair to have certain needs and to establish realistic expectations around them that work for both of you given your individual circumstances.

Dismissing our partner’s expressed needs, like sex, as non-essential or not critical for survival isn’t an act of love or generosity – in fact I suspect for some it’s just a way to justify emotional neglect by leaning on semantic technicalities.

Surely we want more for our partners well-being than their basic physical survival. Surely we want to contribute to their feelings of fulfilment and happiness. Surely we want to give generously to them, the things they cannot provide for themselves. Surely that’s what love is?

Giving Generously and Growing in Love

When we embrace giving in ways that challenge our natural inclinations, we grow and our relationships prosper. My husband’s efforts to cultivate more emotional intelligence for my sake have undeniably deepened and enriched his life. Likewise, my commitment to meeting his sexual needs has brought greater joy and a stronger sense of wholeness to me as a woman. In this kind of dynamic, both partners thrive in a cycle of mutual generosity, growth and fulfilment.

And finally, when it comes to sexual intimacy in relationships, what actually distinguishes it from other needs is not its legitimacy as a need, but rather its unique and fundamental role in defining what a romantic relationship actually is. While friendship, trust, communication, and emotional intimacy are all essential, it is the presence of sexual connection that transforms a couple’s dynamic from the all-too-common “roommates” scenario into one of passionate, romantic love.

And this is particularly important if you have children, so I would urge you not to overlook the profound impact your relationship dynamic has on them. They are keenly attuned to the warmth and connection – or lack thereof – between you and your partner. Whether you intend to or not, you are modelling for them exactly what a relationship should look and feel like. Nothing nurtures and relaxes children more than being raised by parents who are deeply fulfilled, affectionate, playful, and truly connected – parents who prioritise each other, parents who are lovers, not just friends.

The key difference between cold, disconnected, and tense relationships and those that are warm, peaceful and vibrant often lies in the degree of sexual intimacy shared between partners.

So, I ask again, is sex an emotional need? Absolutely yes and more than this; it’s a vital thread in the fabric of a healthy, vibrant relationship, woven together with trust, communication, and mutual generosity. By embracing it as such, we open the door to deeper intimacy, greater well-being, and a love that truly flourishes.

Who in their right mind wouldn’t want that?

Recommended Reading About Sexual Needs

References:

(1) Cardiovascular Health
Sex may reduce the risk of cardiovascular disease, particularly for women, by improving heart health and reducing hypertension. A study found that sexually active individuals, especially women, experienced lower cardiovascular risks.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5052677/

(2) Immune System Boost
Frequent sex (1-2 times per week) is linked to higher levels of immunoglobulin A (IgA), which strengthens the immune system and helps fight infections.
http://prx.sagepub.com/content/94/3/839.full.pdf

(3) Pain Reduction
Sexual activity can relieve pain, such as headaches and migraines, due to the release of endorphins during orgasm, with studies showing significant pain relief for many.
http://cep.sagepub.com/content/33/6/384

(4) Prostate Cancer Risk Reduction (Men)
For men, frequent ejaculation through sex may lower the risk of prostate cancer, with research suggesting a 36% reduced likelihood for those ejaculating 4-7 times per week compared to less frequent activity.
http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1743-6109.2009.01677.x/full

(5) Lower Mortality Risk
Regular sexual activity, especially with frequent orgasms (2+ times per week), has been associated with a 50% lower mortality risk over 10 years, suggesting a link to longevity.
https://www.plannedparenthood.org/files/3413/9611/7801/Benefits_Sex_07_07.pdf

(6) Enhanced Mental Health
Sex is correlated with increased satisfaction, trust, intimacy, and love, reducing the use of immature psychological defenses and improving overall mental well-being.
http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1743-6109.2009.01677.x/full#ss41

(7) Improved Memory and Well-being in Older Adults
Sexually active older adults (aged 50-90) tend to have better memory, less depression, and reduced loneliness, contributing to enhanced cognitive and emotional well-being.
http://ageing.oxfordjournals.org/content/early/2016/01/28/ageing.afv197.full.pdf+html

(8) Increased Confidence and Appearance
Frequent sex is associated with increased confidence and a perception of looking younger (up to 7-12 years), possibly due to estrogen release and comfort with sexuality.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3052986/

(9) Stress Reduction
Pleasurable sexual activity reduces cortisol, releases endorphins and oxytocin, aiding recovery from work stress and improving mood.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/23043118/

(10) Lower Blood Pressure (in Women)
Partnered sexual activity is associated with lower blood pressure in women, likely due to reduced cardiovascular stress from intimacy.
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5052677/

(11) Increased Stress Levels
Lack of sexual activity may lead to higher stress due to the absence of stress-relieving hormones like oxytocin and endorphins released during sex.
https://www.healthshots.com/intimate-health/sexual-health/heres-what-happens-to-your-mental-and-physical-health-when-you-stop-having-sex/

(12) Mood Swings or Depression
Not having sex may result in mood swings or depressive symptoms due to reduced release of mood-enhancing hormones like dopamine and serotonin.
https://academic.oup.com/jsm/article-abstract/22/2/334/7924282?redirectedFrom=fulltext

(13) Weakened Immune System
Sexual activity boosts immunoglobulin A (IgA), which helps fight infections. Lack of sex may reduce IgA levels, potentially weakening immunity.
https://www.healthshots.com/intimate-health/sexual-health/heres-what-happens-to-your-mental-and-physical-health-when-you-stop-having-sex/

(14) Sleep Disturbances
Sexual activity promotes restful sleep through the release of hormones like prolactin and oxytocin. Not having sex may lead to poorer sleep quality.
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10457145/

(15) Reduced Cardiovascular Health
Sexual activity provides aerobic exercise and reduces homocysteine levels, which can trigger cardiac issues. Abstinence may miss these cardiovascular benefits.
https://academic.oup.com/eurjpc/article/29/1/e38/6000660?login=false

(16) Lower Self-Esteem or Confidence
Lack of sexual intimacy, especially in relationships, may lead to feelings of inadequacy or reduced self-worth.
https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/01461672241257355

(17) Reduced Cognitive Function
Regular sexual activity is linked to improved memory and cognitive function, particularly in older adults. Abstinence may lead to missing these cognitive benefits.
https://www.psu.edu/news/research/story/low-sexual-satisfaction-linked-memory-decline-later-life-study-finds

(18) Increased Risk of Erectile Dysfunction (Males)
Prolonged sexual inactivity may contribute to erectile dysfunction, as regular erections help maintain penile tissue health and blood flow.
https://www.amjmed.com/article/S0002-9343(08)00453-4/fulltext

(19) Feelings of Loneliness or Social Isolation
Lack of sexual intimacy, particularly in relationships or for those desiring connection, may lead to feelings of loneliness or social disconnection.
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8897809/

(20) Reduced Pain Tolerance
Sexual activity triggers the release of endorphins, which act as natural painkillers. Lack of sex may reduce this effect, potentially lowering pain tolerance.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/36197910/

(21) Increased Emotional Intimacy
Sex fosters emotional closeness by promoting the release of oxytocin, often called the “love hormone,” which enhances bonding between partners.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/28903688

(22) Improved Relationship Satisfaction
Frequent and satisfying sexual activity is associated with higher relationship satisfaction, as it reinforces mutual affection and connection.
https://www.psychologicalscience.org/news/releases/does-frequent-sex-lead-to-better-relationships-depends-on-how-you-ask.html

(23) Reduced Stress and Anxiety
Sexual activity reduces stress hormones like cortisol, promoting relaxation and improving mental well-being for both partners.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7641184/

(24) Enhanced Communication
Couples who engage in regular sexual activity often report better communication patterns, as sex encourages openness about desires and needs.
https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2010-11629-001

(25) Lower Divorce Rates
Regular sexual activity is linked to lower divorce rates, as it strengthens commitment and partnership stability.
https://www.verywellmind.com/why-sex-is-so-important-in-a-relationship-5207330

(26) Strengthened Trust
Sexual intimacy, especially when accompanied by affection, builds trust by creating a safe space for vulnerability and emotional connection.
https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2024.1333676/full

(27) Enhanced Relationship Commitment
Regular sexual activity reinforces commitment by fostering mutual investment in the relationship, reducing the likelihood of seeking alternative partners.
https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407513511693

(28) Improved Conflict Resolution
Sex can act as a buffer against relationship conflicts, helping couples recover from disagreements by promoting positive emotions and closeness.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26339122/

(29) Increased Partner Appreciation
Engaging in sexual activity encourages partners to express gratitude and appreciation, strengthening the emotional bond and mutual regard.
https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167211439404

(30) Increased Relationship Longevity
Couples who maintain a satisfying sexual relationship tend to report longer-lasting partnerships, as sex reinforces emotional and physical connection.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4821813/

(31) Decreased Relationship Satisfaction
Lack of sexual activity is associated with lower overall relationship satisfaction, as physical intimacy is a key component of romantic connection for many couples.
https://www.psychologicalscience.org/news/releases/does-frequent-sex-lead-to-better-relationships-depends-on-how-you-ask.html

(32) Increased Emotional Distance
A sexless relationship can lead to emotional disconnection, as the absence of physical intimacy reduces oxytocin release and bonding opportunities.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/28903688

(33) Higher Risk of Infidelity
Couples in sexless relationships may experience increased temptation to seek sexual fulfillment outside the partnership, straining trust and commitment.
https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2005-01325-005

(34) Elevated Stress and Tension
The absence of sex, which typically reduces stress through hormone release, can lead to heightened stress and relational tension between partners.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7641184/

(35) Weakened Communication
A sexless relationship can hinder open communication, as partners may avoid discussing sexual needs, leading to broader communication breakdowns.
https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-010-9667-0

(36) Higher Likelihood of Relationship Dissolution
Sexless relationships are associated with an increased risk of breakup or divorce due to unmet emotional and physical needs.
https://www.verywellmind.com/why-sex-is-so-important-in-a-relationship-5207330

(37) Lowered Sense of Partnership
Without sexual intimacy, partners may feel more like roommates than romantic partners, weakening the sense of a cohesive partnership.
https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2017.1343310

(38) Increased Feelings of Resentment
A lack of sexual intimacy can lead to feelings of resentment, as one or both partners may feel neglected or unfulfilled, creating tension and bitterness in the relationship.
https://doi.org/10.1037/a0035633

(39) Diminished Sexual Confidence
Partners in a sexless relationship may experience a decline in sexual confidence, as the absence of sexual engagement can lead to doubts about desirability or sexual competence.
https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2018.1520105

(40) Reduced Sense of Romantic Connection
The absence of sexual activity can weaken the romantic bond between partners, as physical intimacy often serves as a key differentiator between romantic and platonic relationships, leading to a diminished sense of passion and closeness.
https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-016-0872-5