Generosity is the Antidote to Withholding
A frequent problem I hear when couples come to see me is that neither partner treats the other in the positive, generous or loving way they used to when they first met.
Relationships that have been neglected for too long often end up plagued by animosity, resentment, apathy and sometimes outright hostility.
Often, when I dig a little deeper into their relationship history, a common complaint is voiced by both partners that the other emotionally WITHOLDS when they don’t get what they want or need.
What is Emotional Withholding?
Withholding is an expression of conditional love, whereby the withholder refuses to provide their partner with an emotional or physical need unless certain conditions are met.
It’s a control tactic in retaliation to a partner’s failings, whether real or imagined.
Examples of withholding might be:
- Stonewalling or ‘The Silent Treatment.’
- Withholding sex or physical affection.
- Refusing offers of physical affection.
- Failing to celebrate your partners achievements.
- Avoiding deep or meaningful conversations.
- Withholding verbal expressions of love or affection.
- Refusing to comfort your partner in times of need.
It’s important to say that when it comes to withholding, it’s not just the big stuff. It’s also the smaller signals, like your body language, or being slightly cold or dismissive. It’s avoiding looking at your partner when they are talking or rolling your eyes.
These more passive, subtle cues are intentional, and they are aimed to communicate to your partner that they are being rejected, shut out or abandoned. Make no mistake, they are toxic and abusive and are therefore harmful to the relationship.
If you recognise any of these behaviours in yourself, or in your partner then please keep reading.
Withholding is usually a learned behaviour acted out by people from families where expressing emotion was discouraged or punished. A kind of freeze response. It might also be a response to trauma or a form of self-protection in people who find it hard to be vulnerable. It is always however, a conscious and deliberate means to exert power and it has no place in a mature and loving adult relationship. As I have mentioned before, a withholder always knows what they are doing.
Whatever reasons one partner might have for withholding, the effects of this behaviour on the other become more destructive and demeaning over time. The withholder basically cuts off their partner in one way or another, who is then left to work out their feelings in isolation and without support or validation. I’ve heard this described as a quiet life of desperation. This is surely not what we want for our lovers.
When, as is common, both partners engage in the act of withholding, then a vicious cycle begins which can be very hard to break.
It is the silent treatment due to no sex, and no sex due to the silent treatment. It is both partners feeling their punishments are justified. It is slow relationship death by a thousand cuts.
So how can we break this pattern?
Or perhaps more importantly, WHO can break this pattern?
Well, YOU can.
As I said my approach is all about inspiring you to do a good job in your relationships, not about how to change your partner. So, for now, forget about your partner and what they are or are not doing and let’s start with what YOU can do.
If, however, you genuinely believe that the issue of withholding lies squarely at your partners feet, then you might consider thinking seriously about what’ going on there. But more on that topic in a future article!
Either way, you’ll find this information helpful. So, here’s 3 simple steps to help you break the cycle of withholding and move towards a more loving solution to relationship problems.:
1. Acknowledge when you are withholding.
If you are engaging in withholding behaviour, then admit to yourself that YOU are doing it and that the only person that can change your behaviour is you.
It would also be helpful to understand WHY you withhold. You might consider getting some therapy or at least do some reading to address any underlying causes. It’s probably not your fault that you’ve developed this tactic, but it is your responsibility to change. Have compassion with yourself but become willing to do some work.
2. Communicate clearly and forgive quickly.
When you feel hurt or let down, you might find yourself resorting to withholding tactics. It might feel ‘good’ (if you can call it that) in the moment to punish your partner but it rarely produces a desirable result and is always bad for the relationship.
Instead, take some time to calm down if you need to, allow yourself to be vulnerable and gather the courage to clearly express what is really upsetting you. Be respectful but be direct. Repeat yourself as often as you need to if necessary. We’re going for assertiveness, not aggression here.
Rather than blaming your partner, use “I” statements. For example, “I feel upset that we haven’t been on a date night in over 6 months even though you promised we would, and I’m finding it hard not to take it personally. Is there something going on that we need to discuss?”
From that point of course you have no control over how your partner will respond, but at least you’ve expressed your complaint clearly and maturely.
If your partner responds negatively, it’s important to hold to your boundaries. It might take a while for your new approach to have a noticeable impact. Be patient, change is a process and often doesn’t happen overnight.
If they offer an explanation or an apology, then thank them, forgive them quickly and move on.
3. Be generous in meeting your partners needs.
Generosity in relationships is the exact opposite and the antidote to withholding.
Humans are naturally reciprocal by nature – when someone gives it’s natural to want to give back. It’s hard to hold a grudge or be hostile towards a romantic partner who’s being consistently kind and generous. Providing we’re dealing with a generally decent and empathic partner of course.
So, folks this is about practicing generosity for generosities sake, because being generous is loving and it’s good for our relationships.
This isn’t about being motivated by personal gain or giving in an attempt to get. Playing tit for tat or point scoring is just replacing one form of controlling behaviour with another and that’s not what we’re hoping to achieve here!
Whatever pleases your partner or makes them feel loved and cared for, do that.
What we’re talking about here is the practice of leaning into your partner and becoming truly caring about what they need and enjoy, rather than abandoning them emotionally, leaving them starving and desperate, and ultimately causing them suffering.
Put your arms around his waist when he’s cooking and tell him the meal that he’s making smells amazing. Tell her you were proud in the restaurant with her by your side at dinner last night. When the kids are next out, suggest you go to bed together, make love, have a nap, take time out from the world together.
The next time you have ten minutes, write her a message detailing how beautiful you think she is, or write it in a card for her to come home to.
Whatever it is that makes your partner feel cared for, don’t overthink it, just do it.
Big or small, find ways of consistently communicating care, love, loyalty and commitment to your mutual wellbeing. Make a habit of building each other up, rather than tearing each other to pieces.
It’s also worth saying that withholding is profoundly bad for us personally; it’s impossible to truly value who we are if we are not generous to those we profess to love. Conversely and obviously the opposite is true of being generous.
When we give to those we love, we feel good about who we are. It’s how we are supposed to live. End of story.
If your partner has a problem with withholding it is important to work out why. This is a complex issue and requires serious consideration and perhaps professional help.
I will be addressing this issue in an upcoming article and I’m looking forward to outlining some possible reasons your partner might be acting this way consistently. So do look out for that.
I think that we are supposed to take the very best care of each other that we can. Marriage is a solemn vow to do just that. We don’t teach our children to give up and we encourage them to work hard at difficult things. I am forever grateful to my husband for not giving up on me and I am sure he feels the same.
We have to work out why so many marriages aren’t holding up so that we can work out what to do about it. How can we expect our children not to fall apart when we are. I believe it is possible to create exceptionally fulfilling marriages, but like anything exceptional, it is going to require great care and time, and in marriage that means from both sides.
So, I am speaking to both men and women when I say that you must make your marriage your priority, something we ought to get straight in our minds and hearts.
Thanks for reading, I’ll see you next week.
In the meantime, to yourself and to others, Tell The Truth.
