Feminism, Misandry & Marriage

Throwing Men Under The Bus

I believe that the most recent wave of feminism, ‘woke feminism’, has encouraged a derisive attitude towards men in the news, media & entertainment industries. I also believe the effect of this phenomenon is harmful not only to the relationship between men and women in general, but also in the way many husbands are regarded and treated by their wives in their own marriages.

I’m not exactly sure why we don’t particularly seem to care about men all that much. The evolutionary psychologists explanation is that women invest more in child rearing, making them a more limited resource for reproduction. Also, they say, from a genetic perspective, a single male can fertilise many females, making each individual male less essential to population survival. This is known as the male disposability hypothesis.

On the flip side, we have the “Women are Wonderful” effect, a concept formalised in the 90s with multiple studies finding that both men and women, across cultures, tend to associate more positive attributes such as warmth and kindness with women more than men. Whatever the reason, it’s pretty obvious to me that men are not valued or celebrated by our society in the way that women are, particularly in the post industrial revolution era.

As a fairly benign example, take a look at the Google homepage or any mainstream social media account on International Woman’s Day and you will be able to bathe in the glory of women and all their achievements. And don’t get me wrong, that’s fantastic. I’m all for celebrating women. However, check the same accounts on International Men’s Day and all you’re likely to find is tumble weed rolling across a blank canvas or another post about misogyny.

But here’s the thing. I think our boys and men could do with a lot more love. Controversial I know.

Because, for example In The UK at least, the leading cause of death for men under the age of 50, is suicide. Not car accidents, not cancer, not heart disease. Suicide. And the main causes of male suicide are loneliness, isolation and family breakdown. Sadly however, if you even broach the subject of men’s issues these days, you’re likely to be met with a look of indifference, ambivalence or even rolled eyes and a groan of contempt. I say contempt, because I think that’s really what we’re talking about. A socially acceptable contempt for 50% of the human race. You know, the ones predominantly working in the mines, construction sites, sewers, fire departments and other physically demanding, high risk environments. Those guys.

Misandry in The Media

Turn your TV or radio on and it won’t be long before the phrase ‘toxic masculinity’ slithers out of the airwaves.  We’re told relentlessly that we should all be frightened and suspicious of men.  Not just some men, all men.  And they’re everywhere, these troubled and troubling creatures, lurking behind every corner. In order for them to help themselves, we suggest their salvation lies in their ability to become less like men and more like women.  You know… softer, safer, kinder.  Better.

When boys fail in school they’re told they’re the problem, not the system.  And if they can’t or won’t submit to the system, then there’ll be a prescription waiting for them at the pharmacy, which they can swallow with a sugary drink, a diagnosis and a nod of approval.

Boys as young as 12 (41% of them to be precise) are being taught in UK schools, that young men are a major problem in society. The UK’s home secretary, Yvette Cooper wrote an article for The Independent entitled “Educate Our Sons to Save Our Daughters – No teenage boy should grow up persuaded that abuse is normal.” As if that’s a common and orthodox parenting protocol that requires a national campaign of re-education to correct.

My beautiful son for example, a middle class, loved and nurtured 12 year old boy, according to the fictional Netflix drama ‘Adolescence’, perfectly fits the profile of a growing demographic of deranged, murderous, child misogynists. There’s little evidence to support this charge of course, but policy is being introduced into our school system nonetheless.

In many modern woke mainstream movies, men are depicted as either emotionally stunted, overly aggressive or blundering, incompetent fools in need of a strong, powerful female protagonist to fix them, defeat them or rescue them. Yawn.

The hopeless dad trope is now a couple of generations old in sitcoms and romcoms. Global corporations are more than happy to cash in on this schadenfreude by ridiculing, emasculating or even physically abusing male characters in their commercials because they know it’ll get a laugh and sell their products.  It’s become so normalised it doesn’t even register as inappropriate or vulgar.

I’ve been to enough female only gatherings in my time to witness the conversation spontaneously nosedive into bitching and moaning about boyfriends, husbands or men in general. No shame or embarrassment felt on the part of the women in question. So whether you’re sat in a movie theatre, waiting in line in a shop, or out for dinner with friends, family or colleagues, it’s commonplace, socially acceptable and normal to laugh at, hate on, or disregard men.

Men, according to woke feminist culture, can go fuck themselves. Literally and metaphorically.

The Effect of Anti-Male Rhetoric

So, I wonder, what this round the clock drip feed of anti-male rhetoric and fear mongering might be doing to our collective psyches.  What’s it doing to our boys and men’s sense of value, purpose and self-esteem.  How does it impact girls and women’s perception of men and their sense of security whilst navigating life alongside them? And in relation to my own particular area of interest; what effect might this be having on our marriages?

Because I feel like I’m witnessing a growing phenomenon in my work with couples, in which men are increasingly being regarded and treated as the underdogs in their marriages. And I’m not describing a fringe demographic here.  I see this dynamic play out all the time, not only in my professional work with clients, but also in my day-to-day life with couples I know personally. I know this isn’t new, but what I’m seeing more and more is a subtle, creeping addition of a generalised disregard towards these men and any mention of their emotional needs. As it goes in popular culture, so too it inevitably goes behind the closed doors of marriages.

And just to be clear, I’m not saying any of this to fan the flames of the gender divide, quite the opposite in fact. I know that misogyny still exists, obviously. I see enough of it in the comments section here to know it’s still hanging around the fringes of the internet like a bad smell. The difference however, is that misogyny is quite rightly no longer welcome in society, whereas flagrant misandry now seems to be very much culturally in vogue.

So I feel compelled to push back against the habit of treating all men like they are bad men, or teaching boys that they might become bad men, simply because bad men exist. Because, newsflash… bad women exist too. I’ve been working with people long enough to know that. But surely we should be judging the individual, not the gender.

Most Men Are Good

My experience of men in general has been overwhelmingly positive. The vast majority of men don’t want to hurt women, rather they have a deep, innate desire to love and protect us. Here’s a couple of examples.

Three weeks ago as we were driving home from a family visit, we came across a car accident where a woman had misjudged a corner and crashed into the hedge. She was visibly shaken and was struggling to make sense of the situation so my husband took over, reassured her that she was safe and took control of her vehicle to move it to safety. Another man had also stopped his vehicle and was offering help alongside. My son stood by, no doubt experiencing many positive and profound feelings about what it means to be a man. I sat in the car feeling proud. Was that toxic masculinity?

Just last week a friend of mine described a situation where she came across a deer in the road that had been hit and left badly wounded. She was upset and at a loss about how to deal with the situation. Within minutes a man turned up at the scene and told her he knew what to do and that she was welcome to leave the scene if she didn’t want to be further upset. I asked her what he had done to take care of the suffering animal. She looked humbled and stated simply ‘Do you know, I have no idea!’

In the gym not long ago, I dropped one side of a heavy barbell and was obviously struggling to manage and a man literally ran to my aid.

Now, I know these aren’t remarkable stories. What I’m trying to illustrate is that they’re normal, everyday stories. It’s normal for men to want to help. It’s normal for men to care. The vast majority of men are naturally motivated to behave this way. The fact that a small percentage of men do bad things should not give us reason to treat all men like they might.

Refusing To Participate in Misandry

So, the next time you turn on your tv or scroll social media I suggest giving it some thought. What is the popular message about men, and what might it be doing to influence your feelings about them? Especially those closest to you. How would you feel if the same message was aimed at women and girls and by extension, you? If we focussed on the worst aspects of the worst of women, and exacted out an endless tirade of rhetoric about how useless, abusive and toxic all women are.

The consequences of this all-pervasive misandry and mockery, are quite frankly devastating, not only to men’s physical, mental and emotional health, but also to the wellbeing of our children, our marriages and I would argue, by extension, society itself. Because what the world needs now, perhaps more than ever, are strong, mature, and integrated men. Vibrant, upstanding role models for future generations. Fulfilled, masculine men who raise well loved, secure and confident children. I fear what we’re creating instead, in the name of ‘egalitarianism and empowerment’ are in fact starving, lonely, dejected men who don’t feel welcome in a society that increasingly alienates them. I fear, worse even than that, that many now don’t even feel welcome in their own homes or in the arms of their wives.

This is a tragedy. Men and women are meant to be a team, and especially husbands and wives. Stable, loving families are the bedrock of a functional society after all. Why are we so easily led to believe anything other than this fundamental truth, this natural order? Who benefits from that other than those who seek to divide, destroy and exploit?!

So I for one opt out of the war between the sexes. Thanks but no thanks. I choose to remain in awe of men. To bear witness to their strength and to their inherent goodness. I choose to judge each man on an individual basis, based on who he is and how he lives. The same way that I judge each woman.

And finally, since this mainstream juggernaut of man-hating isn’t going to end any time soon, it’s going to require a grass-routes effort to push back against it. It’s up to us not to allow the media machinery to poison our hearts and minds against one another. Throw your TV in the bin if you must. Or at least be more discerning about the type of information you’re consuming and the messages the people you surround yourselves with are spreading. Ask yourself, ‘is this good for my marriage or is it bad for it’? Because your marriage should be your priority. Not Netflix, not book club, not the glossy magazines.

We no longer tolerate misogyny in our society and rightly so, so let’s extend the same courtesy to our boys and men and call out misandry when we see it. Do what is right, and reject it completely.