Why Prioritising Intimacy is Fundamental to Marriage

Hi, I am Laura, a relationship counsellor and coach in the UK. I help couples build relationships that feel alive, connected, and deeply fulfilling. If you are new here, welcome; it is lovely to have you.

This is our personal story, and it’s about what our marriage has taught us about the power, the beauty, and the importance of sex.

In this article, I am going to talk about why we chose to prioritise sex in our marriage after a period of sexlessness, and the difference it has made — for him, for me, for our marriage, and for our family.

When Intimacy Disappeared from Our Marriage

There was a time we stopped having sex, and it nearly broke us. But when we made it a priority again, it transformed everything: our connection, our health, our family, and how we felt about ourselves.

So, here’s our story, and why we believe sex can not only save a struggling marriage, but help you heal, grow, and become more whole as individuals.

When I first met my husband 25 years ago, sex was easy, natural, exciting, and simple. The power of youth, hormones, and the primal drive to procreate obviously played a big part.

After Parenthood: Exhaustion and Withdrawal

But after the birth of our son, everything changed. We were exhausted and overwhelmed. Old wounds resurfaced, we had almost no support, and I was having a really hard time within myself, and so sex started to feel like the last thing I wanted.

My husband did not take this well. He was understandably frustrated, and tensions grew. This went on for months, a highly stressful time where we both felt deeply insecure. But eventually, the turning point came when we recognised that we needed to change if we were going to survive as a couple and do right by our son.

A Conversation That Changed Everything

And so our conversations started to shift to something like this:

“We can’t live like this because we’re going to ruin everything, including our son’s childhood. It’s you and me forever, and we are both committed to that. But the loss of intimacy is making us miserable, and we can’t go on like this so, we need to do something differently.”

My husband was very clear about the importance of sex. He was not being threatening, coercive, or abusive. He was being honest and vulnerable. He explained what it meant to him and what he believed it could do for us, and I listened.

In turn, I shared what I needed in order to feel safe and available again. So, we agreed to put in the work, however hard.

Realising the True Need for Intimacy

It was around this time that I also realised how disturbing it must feel for a man to live in a marriage where the door to intimacy is closed. Raising a son deepened that realisation of course. I asked myself: at what age do little boys suddenly stop deserving physical love? At what age do they no longer need touch and closeness as much as words? Would I ever want my son to grow up untouched or have intimacy withheld from him? Of course not.

So, we both went on our own journeys of growth with renewed commitment to address what was holding us back from making intimacy and our bond a priority. And with that shift in perspective, we set out to rebuild our sexual bond as a cornerstone of our marriage.

The Transformation

In very little time, my husband regained the vitality that drew me to him in the first place. He was sharper, happier, more confident, more purposeful. He became warmer, more playful, picking up his guitar again and joking with me and our son. His health and energy surged, making him more present for family life and more attractive to me than ever.

As time went on, we began to trust ourselves, each other, and our marriage again. Limited intimacy had created doubt and distance and coldness, whereas choosing to prioritise sex and closeness communicated something simple and powerful: I love you, I choose you, and I am here with you.

For us, the reintroduction of sex was like throwing open the curtains in our marriage and letting the light pour in.

My Personal Growth

And it was not just my husband who changed. I did too. I found more joy in daily life. I felt sexier, more confident, and the constant anxiety I had been carrying about our marriage dissolved. My libido bounced back. I looked at him and thought, “This is the man I fell for, and I want him again.”

I changed my wardrobe. The black leggings disappeared, and colourful dresses and sexy outfits arrived. I felt truly desired and desirable. I had more energy, I slept better, and I began to love being me again.

The Impact on Our Family

Our son’s life changed, too. There was music in the kitchen, laughter in the car, and parents who touched, smiled, and played together. His whole world felt safer and warmer.

That was a decade ago now, and sex remains a continuous thread that holds us firmly in place as a couple. It is teaching us so much about who we are, where we are wounded, and what we need in terms of healing and growth.

Why Intimacy Matters in Marriage

When sex is avoided, the stress of its absence dominates the marriage. But when it is embraced, it takes its powerful and natural place with ease — fuelling and propelling the marriage rather than creating drag and tension.

That said, I want to be clear: if your marriage is marked by coercion, control, or abuse, that is a very different story. Safety and respect must come first, and those issues need to be addressed before intimacy can ever be rebuilt.

If however, you are in a marriage where love and respect are present, even if you are struggling, this is my plea: do not dismiss your partner’s sexual needs. They are not lying when they say it matters. They are trying to communicate a fundamental truth — that sexual connection is life-giving and life-affirming, not destructive or self-serving.

Partnership, Growth, and Love Languages

And of course, this is not about putting all the responsibility on wives. A strong marriage depends on both partners nurturing every bond; trust, respect, emotional closeness, friendship… all of it.

For us, that has meant becoming fluent in each other’s love languages. Neither conversation nor sex is withheld, and together they have created a positive feedback loop of trust, closeness, and desire. We make ourselves available to each other — emotionally, physically, and practically — and as a result, we both continue to grow.

And part of that growth for me has been recognising some truths that are easy to overlook — especially about men. Because particularly for men, sex is sustenance. Yes, they can survive without it — but surely we want more for our husbands than mere survival. If you want your man and your marriage to thrive, sexual connection is like sunlight and soil. It nourishes him in a way nothing else can. And when he thrives, your whole marriage thrives.

Final Reflections

I know every marriage is different, and every couple’s path to restoring intimacy will look different too. So this is just our story, not a prescription or professional template. But if our story shows anything, it is that it is worth the effort.

And for me, the continued development of my sexual self without the benefits of youth is a loving project. Something I have to choose daily to nurture. Without it, I would be a fraction of the person I am today. And for this wisdom, profound health, coherence and self-love, I feel I owe thanks to my husband.

Further Reading

If this article was helpful, you might also enjoy:

• Why a Sexual Marriage Is a Healthy Marriage
• Are We in a Sexlessness Epidemic?
• Sex: The Elephant in the Therapy Room
• How Women Can Become More Sexual

And if you need some support, you can book a one-to-one session with me.

Recommended Reading About Sexless marriages