Is Sex Optional in Marriage?
Can you simply opt out of sex in a marriage and expect everything else to stay intact?
In a sexually exclusive relationship, choosing not to have sex is not a neutral, individual decision. It affects both partners and, over time, the relationship itself. This article explores why sex still matters in long-term relationships, what happens when it disappears, and what couples who maintain a strong sexual connection do differently.
This is a direct, non-gendered look at sexless marriage, responsibility, and what it really takes to keep intimacy alive.
Laura How is a UK relationship therapist specialising in sexless marriage and female sexual desire in long-term relationships.
Sexless Marriage: Why It Happens and How to Rebuild Intimacy
Start here if intimacy has broken down in your marriage.
If intimacy has broken down in your marriage or is disappearing slowly, this is the place to start. Laura covers why it happens, what it does to both partners, and what actually works to fix it.
Can You Opt Out of Sex in Marriage?
In a marriage, you can’t say “I’m not having sex anymore” without also saying “you’re not having sex anymore.” Marriage is a sexually exclusive relationship, so the promise not to have sex outside it carries an implicit agreement that sex will happen within it.
Therefore, any change to that arrangement isn’t one person’s decision to make, it belongs to both of you.
So, while anyone has a right to opt out of sex, at some point, opting out of sex in your marriage starts to look a lot like opting out of the marriage itself.
Before we continue: This article was specifically requested by women who point out that sexless marriages hurt wives just as much as husbands. So, this is for men and women equally, and everything I’m about to say applies only to couples who feel fundamentally safe with each other and want to improve their connection. If that’s not you, this article isn’t for you.
Marriage Means a Shared Life
From the moment you get married, you’re no longer just two individuals living individual lives — you have a shared life, and every decision you make affects it, whether you intend to or not.
Your spending habits, physical and mental health, and emotional availability all directly impact the wellbeing of the person you married.
You couldn’t unilaterally empty the joint account on a whim, check out emotionally, or drink yourself to sleep every night and call it a personal lifestyle choice — because your spouse lives with the consequences of those decisions.
Why Sex Still Matters in a Monogamous Relationship
Sex follows exactly the same logic. What makes this aspect of marriage uniquely important is that, unlike many other needs, monogamy offers nowhere else to turn if it disappears.
If a sexual bond matters to one of you, then by default it matters to the marriage. There’s no getting away from that.
Is There Pressure to Have Sex in Marriage?
So, am I saying there’s an inherent pressure to have sex in marriage? That it’s not 100% an individual choice? Isn’t that coercion?
Specifically, within the context of a safe, stable and loving marriage, no.
Every part of marriage comes with expectations. You’re expected to show up emotionally, be kind on difficult days, manage your finances responsibly, and remain accountable for the life you’re building together.
Nobody calls that coercion. It’s just what a shared life requires — the discipline of being genuinely committed to your partner’s wellbeing, and the willingness to occasionally put the needs of the marriage above your own.
Sex is no different.
What Happens When Sex Is Ignored in Marriage
Wanting it not to matter, or feeling like it shouldn’t matter, doesn’t make it so. You can argue with it, minimise it, intellectualise it — but it will still show up somewhere. Usually as distance, resentment, or disconnection.
The wiser move is to embrace it — to make peace with it, and find genuine pleasure in it.
Healthy Responsibility vs Sexual Coercion
So, yes, in a loving marriage — there’s a healthy pressure to keep sex alive. There just is.
I don’t mean a transactional demand for one partner to engage when they don’t want to.
I’m talking about the mutual accountability to care about how it’s going for both of you. The willingness to ask “how do we get back on track?” when it gets difficult — rather than simply accepting that it has.
What Makes Sex Fulfilling in a Long-Term Relationship?
So if we can agree that sex is part of marriage, the real question becomes: what does it take to make it genuinely fulfilling and emotionally connecting for both of you? Because that’s the whole point, right?
Well, it starts with an honest appraisal of how you feel about sex. Your desire for it. Your response to it. Your relationship with your own body. Any shame or history you might be carrying around it. Do you move towards it — or do you shy away? Can you talk about it openly with your partner? Does their experience matter to you?
Your Relationship With Sex and Your Body
Because the body and the person are one. For many, physical intimacy is a primary way they feel love – so loving your spouse means loving their body too.
And perhaps the most fundamental question of all is this — does your sexuality feel like it truly belongs to you? Something alive in you that you’re able to give and receive abundantly?
Why Psychosexual Health Is Often Neglected
Most people invest heavily in their careers, finances, and reputations. They strive to be great parents, stay fit, keep learning, and continue growing. Your psychosexual health deserves equal dedication—because it’s just as vital to the shared life you’re building.
Why then is psychosexual health so often neglected?
Part of the problem is cultural. Our society has created such an anxious, pessimistic view of sex in marriage that many couples bring that toxicity into their homes.
Language designed for genuinely unsafe situations gets misapplied to loving marriages — and it shuts down any chance of building an intimate bond. Casual, meaningless sex is celebrated as empowering, while healthy, loving marital sex is portrayed as an unpleasant chore, or something to avoid entirely.
What a distortion that is.
What Healthy Sexual Connection Actually Looks Like
Good sex between committed partners is a profoundly moving experience—a physical, emotional, and spiritual union that develops trust, encourages vulnerability, creates a deeper knowledge of each other, and provides a deep sense of belonging.
The couples who understand this aren’t treating their sex life or their partner’s sexual needs with contempt. They’re not minimising its importance or using negative or transactional language to describe it:
“I do my part, you do yours”
“Sex is a want, not a need”
“Just take care of yourself if you’re that desperate”
“Leave me alone, I don’t feel like it.”
If either of you feels or talks that way about your sexual bond, then I’m sorry but something’s wrong — either within the marriage, or in your relationship with sex or life itself.
Common Causes of Sexual Problems in Marriage
That doesn’t mean sexually healthy couples don’t face difficulties—they do, just like everyone else. Issues like relationship friction, the arrival of children, menopause, body image struggles, erectile dysfunction, low testosterone, performance anxiety, stress, grief, trauma, and shame are all common.
How Sexually Connected Couples Stay Intimate
But they don’t let these challenges defeat them. They talk openly about them, investigate the causes and look for solutions. They go to the doctor or to therapy. They read articles and share insights. They check in with each other and support each other.
They view every obstacle as an invitation to bring more intentionality—not less—to this vital part of their marriage, because they know a healthy sex life is essential to keeping it alive. And for the most part, they’re just having a nice time with it.
Sexual Intimacy Across the Lifespan
In fact, many couples remain sexually connected well into their eighties and nineties. It might not look anything like it did in their twenties — there might even be limited physical contact — but they’re making the best of what they have, and they’re more alive for it.
The Difference Between Sexless and Sexually Connected Couples
The difference between couples who maintain a sexual bond and those who don’t is like night and day. It doesn’t take long to notice a sexually vibrant couple.
They’re lighter, more playful and more energetic. They’re relaxed together and genuinely enjoy each other’s company. They cope with stress better, argue less, and feel less lonely. Research consistently shows they report greater relationship satisfaction, lower rates of depression and anxiety, and stronger immune function. They even live longer. This youthful energy radiates for anyone who has the eyes to see.
There are no such positive outcomes for those in a sexless marriage.
Why Intentional Couples Get This Right
The couples who get this right aren’t extraordinary, uniquely compatible, or unusually lucky. They’re simply intentional about showing up for each other erotically, as reliably as they do practically or emotionally.
It takes effort, of course, like anything meaningful does — but ask any couple who’s getting it right, and they’ll tell you it’s among the best investments they’ve ever made.
IS YOUR MARRIAGE IN CRISIS?
Book a 1-Day COUPLES Intensive with me
Laura How
Relationship Counsellor & Coach
Get Help for a Sexless Marriage
If you’d like support with any of what we’ve talked about today — whether individually or as a couple — you can book a session with me or my team. We’d love to help.
I’ll see you next week.
In the meantime, to yourself and to others, tell the truth.
Recommended Reading About Intimacy in Marriage
His Needs, Her Needs
‘This book will educate you in the care of your spouse,’ explains Dr Willard Harley. ‘Once you have learned its lessons, your spouse will find you irresistible, a condition that’s essential to a happy and successful marriage.’
This fresh and highly entertaining book identifies the ten most important needs within marriage for husbands and wives. It teaches you how to fulfil each other’s needs. Couples who find each other irresistible during the early years of their marriage may become incompatible if they fail to meet these central needs. According to Dr Harley, the needs of men and women are similar, but their priorities are vastly different.
Are you able to identify which of the following needs are his and which are hers? In what order would you place them? Admiration, Affection, An attractive spouse, Conversation, Domestic support, Family commitment, Financial support, Honesty and openness, Recreational companionship, Sexual fulfilment.
The Passionate Marriage
Passionate Marriage has long been recognized as the pioneering book on intimate human relationships. Now with a new preface by the author, this updated edition explores the ways we can keep passion alive and even reach the height of sexual and emotional fulfillment later in life. Acclaimed psychologist David Schnarch guides couples toward greater intimacy with proven techniques developed in his clinical practice and worldwide workshops. Chapters―covering everything from understanding love relationships to helpful “tools for connections” to keeping the sparks alive years down the road―provide the scaffolding for overcoming sexual and emotional problems. This inspirational book is sure to help couples invigorate their relationships and reach the fullest potential in their love lives.
The Sex-Starved Marriage
Bring the spark back into your bedroom and your relationship with gutsy and effective advice from bestselling author Michele Weiner Davis. It is estimated that one of every three married couples struggles with problems associated with mismatched sexual desire. If you want to stop fighting about sex and revitalize your intimate connection with your spouse, then you need this book. In “The Sex-Starved Marriage,” bestselling author Michele Weiner Davis will help you understand why being complacent or bitter about ho-hum sex might cost you your relationship. Full of moving first-hand accounts from couples who have struggled with the erosion of sexual desire and rebuilt their passionate connection, “The Sex-Starved Marriage” addresses every aspect of the sexual libido problem.
