A Holistic Approach to Relational Well-Being
If we as human beings want to feel whole and fully alive, then we need to tend to every aspect of our health as individuals. In my view this includes, amongst other things, our mental health, emotional health, physical health, spiritual health and our sexual health. If any of those areas are sub-optimal then the overall health and happiness of the individual will be compromised.
A healthy person who wishes to remain whole will therefore tend to each of these facets of health and guard against anything that threatens to diminish them in the long term. A marriage where both partners are looking after themselves in this holistic way is far more exciting and more fulfilling than one in which one or both partners are not.
If one spouse diligently takes care of their physical health whilst the other does not, then friction will inevitably occur. The same can be said for our mental health, emotional health, spiritual health and the often-ignored aspect of health that I’m going to focus on in this article, our sexual health. And by sexual health I mean sexual well-being which incorporates body, mind and spirit.
So, in this article I’m going to talk about the benefits of a marriage in which both partners protect, nurture, celebrate, and explore with each other their individual sexual natures. Think of it as an advertisement in which I extol the virtues of a sexually adventurous marriage and please go ahead and share it with those who you feel are not yet convinced.
Before we begin, as this is a challenging topic for some, let me be clear that this advice only applies to marriages in which both partners feel safe, seen and valued and are physically and emotionally able to be sexual. If this is not the case for you, then this is not the article for you.
Integrating Sexuality as a Facet of Health
An integrated person has a positive relationship with their sexuality. They know that it’s something that needs to be incorporated into their day to day lives in a healthy way. It is accepted as an interesting, creative, and powerful part of their nature. They embrace it, and feel free to express it without shame. These finely attuned individuals will notice when their sexual energy drops, they will be interested in the cause and will work proactively towards it’s recovery. Not because of pressure or coercion from their spouse, but because they understand that it’s a vital aspect of their own and their relationship’s well-being, that requires focussed attention and care.
There will obviously be periods in life where sex inevitably takes a back seat, such as after the birth of a child or during periods of extreme stress, grief or trauma. These are not sexy eras of course and a loving partner will be patient and supportive. But, just as a dedicated athlete will return to training after a period of injury, so too will a vigilant person who has lost their sexual sparkle, go on a mission to revive it.
Unfortunately however, our culture has developed a somewhat flippant or perhaps downright negative view of human sexuality. Many even seem to hold the belief that sexual vitality is something that can be neglected or abandoned without consequence, even in a loving marriage. I find this incredibly interesting.
I would argue that if you have a negative relationship with your own or your partners sexuality then something within yourself or your relationship needs serious attention. Particularly if you are married to a generally good spouse who takes this side of themselves seriously. This kind of individual dysfunction or relational mis-alignment all too frequently destroys otherwise healthy marriages. This is no different to the also all too common scenario in which one spouse is emotionally attuned, vibrant and alive having to endure life with a partner who is distant, detached and disinterested. Something will eventually break.
So my invitation to you today is to consider where you are in terms of your own sexual health and wellbeing, and to consider the very real benefits of keeping sex and sexiness well and truly on the table, so to speak, as a loving gift to yourself and to your marriage.
Benefits of a Sexually Healthy Marriage
Because a sexually healthy marriage is also a fundamentally courageous marriage. Both spouses will have learned to embrace vulnerabilities, challenge inhibitions and develop a fearless capacity to engage in challenging conversations with honesty and clarity. They’ll support each other to overcome body issues, insecurities and heal sexual and psychosexual wounds. These strengths also inevitably ripple out into almost every other area of life with positive effect.
By encouraging each other to develop deeper levels of self-acceptance and self-esteem they’ll both become more empowered individuals. They’ll enjoy a greater sense of control and autonomy around their own needs and will experience more positive self-perception through feeling desired, enjoyed, and accepted by their spouse.
Sexual marriages are also adventurous in nature because both partners will be participating in an exciting and playful journey in which they’re able to share and experience fantasies, explore new desires and break mundane routines. This freedom sets couples like this well and truly apart from the norm.
These creative and intentional marriages are therefor stronger and less vulnerable to infidelity. Both partners will experience greater feelings of fulfilment along with with a sense of confidence and pride in the fact that they are taking care of this side of their marriage. As a result, they’ll feel closer, more trusting and more positive towards each other and about the quality of their marriage.
In a sexual marriage, both spouses are saying a resounding ‘yes’ to life and thus have a more positive affinity with life. By developing a deeper sexual and dare I say it, spiritual connection with each other, they will experience greater feelings of intimacy and aliveness. These marriages are almost certainly filled with more joy, connection, excitement and laughter than their sexually dull or dead counter parts.
As an added bonus, sexually active people also have better immunity, lower blood pressure, less risk of heart disease and stroke, better cognitive function, sleep better and live longer. (1)
So, knowing all this, who in their right mind wouldn’t want to nurture and encourage all that colourful potential for their partners, for their own life and for their marriage?!
Developing a Sex Positive Attitude
Developing and maintaining a sex positive attitude is important for the quality of not only our marriages, but also every other aspect of our health as human beings. To develop this sexual positivity, some of us will need to embark on a journey if we haven’t yet done so. Perhaps a journey of healing, increased awareness, of analysis, and of self-acceptance.
We might have to ask ourselves why we feel so negatively about this aspect of our nature. We might have to address our own hang-ups or deal with past negative sexual experiences. We might have to consider what the people around us taught us to think about sex. We might also have to question the cultural narrative around what sex in marriage really looks like and have the courage to create something entirely different for ourselves. So come on, if you aren’t functioning optimally in the sexual arena, embark on a mission. Have the adventure of a lifetime and dare to recover and embrace this aspect of who you are.
If your spouse is more sexually driven than you are, which is perfectly normal, then try to avoid the temptation to minimise or reject this important and healthy aspect of their character. Be interested. Lean in and have the courage to start a new conversation.
Or if your partner is struggling in this way, invite them, with love and compassion, to come on a journey with you. Read a book together, go to therapy or enrol on a course. If there’s something going on for you as a couple that’s preventing you from being together sexually, then address that particular roadblock as a matter of urgency. Do whatever you need to do to reclaim this beautiful, powerful and creative aspect of your lives together. The benefits will be significant and far reaching, I promise.
I am not saying this journey will be easy, not at all, but it will be meaningful and it will certainly change your life for the better if you can persevere. Seek professional help from a sex positive practitioner if you need to.
What have you really got to lose?
References:
(1) Healthy Effects of Sex The Journal of Sexual Medicine, Volume 20, Issue Supplement_1, May 2023, qdad060.431, https://doi.org/10.1093/jsxmed/qdad060.431
