Reigniting The Honeymoon Spark

Relationship Needs vs. Wants

Relationship needs are the fundamental requirements for a romantic partnership to thrive, ensuring both partners feel secure, respected, and valued. These non-negotiable elements form the foundation of a healthy relationship and include trust, communication, emotional safety, respect, sexual intimacy, and commitment.

Needs are critical for the stable functioning of a relationship – ensuring safety, maturity, and security. But let’s be honest: a relationship that’s just stable and mature can start to feel… well, boring. What about adventure, passion, or that butterflies-in-your-stomach thrill? You know, the buzz of the early days.

In this article, I’m going to share a 5-step exercise to help you and your partner rediscover the joy and excitement of your honeymoon phase.

Every successful relationship needs a strong foundation: trust, communication, emotional safety, respect, sexual connection, and commitment. Without these, you might feel insecure, resentful, or disconnected. Over time, unmet needs can lead to emotional distance, or even breakups.

But here’s the thing: meeting just the basics can leave your relationship feeling like a business – functional, but not exactly thrilling. That’s where wants come in. Wants are the desires that add sparkle, spontaneity, adventure, or that feeling of being truly understood and deeply taken care of.

My husband calls this finding a partner you can ‘steal horses with’. Not just someone to share the burden of life’s responsibilities, but a life partner who’s all in on having an adventure.  Someone who’s going to say ‘Yes!’. Someone who says “I’m all in if you are!”

Expressing Our Relationship Desires

Yet, many of us hesitate to express our deepest desires. The rise of “therapy-speak” in everyday language, while empowering at times, can contribute to this reluctance. Overusing clinical terms may lead some of us to pathologize normal human behaviours and desires. Questions like, “Am I relying on my partner, or am I co-dependent?” or “Are my desires normal, or do I have attachment issues?” can create self-doubt.

While introspection and growth are valuable, excessive self-analysis can paralyze couples, making them fear being “too needy” or “too controlling.” This often stifles open communication, potentially creating distance and detachment.

But what if we could occasionally set aside worries about what we’re “allowed” to think, say, or feel? What if we could speak from the heart, expressing what we crave and what would make our hearts sing, beyond just what we need to function?

Radical, I know.

So, before we jump into the exercise, ask yourself these quick questions to gauge where your relationship currently stands:

• Do I truly love my partner?
• Do I want the best for them?
• Do I want them to experience joy and fulfilment alongside me?
• Am I willing to intentionally become a major source of joy in their life?

If your answers are ‘yes,’ even if they’re more academic and less passionate than they used to be, and even if you feel some apprehension, you’re ready to introduce some more wants. If the answers are no, then it might be that some core needs are not being met, so please continue with the exercise but swap the wants for needs for now.

Reigniting The Honeymoon Spark

This exercise is about bringing back the passion you felt during those early days, yes, the ones where there were plenty of blowjobs and plenty of flowers. It’s very similar to the relationship contract idea, but much less formal and hopefully a lot more fun.

So, here’s my 5-step exercise to nurture both your relationship needs and wants.

Step 1 – Writing

Each of you should take time alone to reflect on what matters most to you in the relationship. Consider what you miss from the early days, what you’d like more or less of, or what would deepen your connection.

Write a concise list of specific, reasonable and achievable items based on your current circumstances. It doesn’t matter at all what these things are, so don’t overthink it, just shoot from the hip.

For example:

• “I’d like you to plan a surprise for me once a month.”
• “I’d like weekly blowjobs.”
• “I’d like a full body massage every couple of weeks”
• “I’d like you to buy me flowers and hand written cards.”
• “I’d like to have sex somewhere other than the bedroom.”

Don’t overthink it, just write what feels true and what would add more satisfaction to your life. If your relationship is a little strained, start with needs, but If you’re in a good place, dream big with wants.

Step 2 – Sharing

Set aside uninterrupted time to share your lists. Take turns reading each item aloud and explaining the ‘why’ behind it.

For example, instead of simply stating, “I’d like regular blowjobs,” expand on its significance: “Because it would mean so much to me to feel desired and cared for in an intimate way, to be able to relax fully and connect with you without any pressure to perform.”

Or, rather than saying, “I’d like flowers and a card,” explain the deeper meaning: “Because it would touch my heart to know you’ve taken the time to express what I mean to you. It shows me that you see and cherish the unique ways I enrich your life, making me feel truly valued and loved.”

Both examples convey the same core desire for connection and appreciation, but articulating the ‘why’ fosters greater understanding and intimacy between you.

The listener’s job is simple: listen without judgment. Ask clarifying questions if needed, but save feedback for the next step.

Step 3 – Discussion

Now, discuss each item on the list and for each, ask:

• ‘How do you feel about this request?’
• ‘Does it feel doable?’
• ‘Are you willing to commit to it?’

If something feels unrealistic, then compromise. For example, if one of you wants try out a particular sexual fantasy but the other finds it too challenging, come up with something you’d both enjoy and feel comfortable with.

Treat these as a one-week trial, not a lifelong contract. This keeps it low-pressure and fun.

Step 4 – Commitment

Once you’ve agreed on the lists, commit to trying them out for a week. Write or type the final lists, sign them for fun, and put them somewhere visible, like your desk or makeup table. This visual reminder keeps you both accountable and shows you’re serious about making each other happy.

Meeting these wants might not come naturally so a visual cue will reinforce your intentions.

Step 5 – Check Ins

Schedule a quick weekly check-in to review how it’s going.

Celebrate small wins, like ‘Thanks for planning that date night, it meant a lot to me to be able to spend time with you away from all our responsibilities.’

Adjust the lists as needed. This isn’t about scorekeeping or guilt-tripping, it’s about leaning into each other’s desires with curiosity, effort and love. The focus for each of you should be about what you’re giving, not what you’re receiving.

Loving with Intention

This exercise is about intentionality and generosity. By writing, sharing, discussing, and committing to each other’s wants, you’re creating space for playfulness, passion, and growth. It’s not about perfection—it’s about showing up and saying, ‘I’m in this with you.’

If you’re nowhere near blowjobs and flowers, start with affection and attention and build up from there. But whatever you do, don’t let your relationship settle into a comfortable routine that kills the passion you once shared. Relationships are more than just meeting basic needs like trust, communication, and respect. They’re also about adventure, joy, and the exhilarating feeling of being truly alive together.

Think back to the early days; the fun, the abundant sex, the late-night talks, the thrill of just being near each other. That “honeymoon phase” wasn’t just a fleeting high; it was a glimpse of what’s possible when two people pour their hearts into each other. It’s normal to lose that passion, it happens to pretty much every couple on earth. But here’s the thing: you can choose to bring it back. Not by waiting for it to happen, but by choosing to show up, every day, with intention and courage.

Effort isn’t just about checking boxes or meeting obligations with minimal effort. It’s about saying, “I see you, I love you, and I’m all in for us.” It’s about daring to voice your deepest desires – whether it’s more spontaneity, a night in a hotel of uninterrupted sex, or even something as simple as a handwritten note that says, “I absolutely fucking adore you.” It’s about listening to your partner’s deepest desires with genuine interest and committing to do your best to meet them, not because you have to, but because you want to. Because you understand this life is all too short and that how you treat each other matters.

Your relationship can either feel like a list of chores and obligations or it can feel like a wild, beautiful ride. What distinguishes these types of relationships is the degree to which each partner is willing to say “We’re in this together, so tell me what you want and I’ll do my best to give it.”

It’s simple, but it’s not easy. Sometimes it’s messy. You might need to face fears, heal old wounds, or step out of your comfort zone. But every moment you spend planning a surprise, writing a card, fulfilling a sexual fantasy, or booking a front row ticket at a show is an investment in your most important relationship and the most important person in your life.

So please, don’t settle for “good enough.” Make a decision to dig deep, lean in, and rediscover the thrill of loving each other fiercely. You wont regret it.

Recommended Reading About Relationship Needs