Breaking The Anger Cycle & Rebuilding Intimacy
FEMALE SEXUAL DESIRE IN LONG-TERM MARRIAGE
If sex feels distant, pressured, or confusing, this is where to begin.
In many sexless marriages, the issue is not simply frequency. It is a shift in how female desire functions over time. This guide explains responsive desire, emotional safety, hormones, body confidence, and how women can rebuild a healthy relationship with their sexuality.
If you’re angry because your wife won’t have sex with you, and that anger is pushing her even further away, it can feel like you’re trapped in a cycle you can’t escape.
In this article, I’m going to help you break free. We’ll look at why anger pushes your wife away, what to do instead, and a 3-step plan to help you reconnect.
Before we begin; if you’re a woman watching this to understand your husband’s experience or to work through your own feelings about intimacy, thank you. This post is addressed to men, but your perspective matters too, and your willingness to reflect is a powerful thing.
Why a Sexless Marriage Hurts
A sexless marriage can be devastating, especially for men dealing with months or years of rejection. The pain can spiral into loneliness, low self-esteem, and even physical or mental health struggles. If you’re feeling frustrated, resentful, or just perpetually pissed off, I get it. It’s a tough place to be, and my heart goes out to you.
Just because you’re being rejected doesn’t mean you’re unworthy of love or desire. It doesn’t mean you’re broken, unattractive, or that something is wrong with you. It means something in the relationship or in your wife isn’t working right now. But your value as a man isn’t defined by your wife’s ability to connect sexually with you.
The Truth About Anger
But here’s the difficult truth: anger won’t fix this. In fact, it’s likely making things worse, creating an ever-growing chasm between you and your wife.
And just to be clear, if that anger has tipped into control, cruelty, or emotional abuse, it’s vital to get help for that first. Nothing in this article will work if your wife doesn’t feel emotionally or physically safe.
I see The Anger Trap all the time in my practice. A man feels starved for intimacy. He’s hurting, feeling rejected, maybe even ashamed. That pain builds until it turns into anger — sometimes loud and obvious, sometimes quiet and simmering. Either way, it creates an atmosphere where sexual connection becomes almost impossible.
If that sounds like you then I’m going to be honest, for your sake: focusing on sex right now is a dead-end road. That’s not to say your needs don’t matter — they absolutely do. It’s also not to say your wife doesn’t have her own work to do. She does. But real change starts with what you can control, which is you, so hear me out.
Why Your Wife Shuts Down
Most women, as the bearers of children, are wired to choose partners who demonstrate care, protection, and commitment. It’s not just a preference — it’s rooted in biology and history. And so any sense of threat, anger, criticism, or resentment will shut her down in an instant because it screams to her: “This person is not safe.”
Even I, someone who’s fiercely pro-sex, wouldn’t want to have sex with my husband if I felt in any way that he resented me. And that’s not a personal quirk; it reflects a fundamental truth: Most women need to feel safe to open up physically.
No amount of frustration or wishing it wasn’t so will change this hardwired reality. Who started it or how long it’s been going on doesn’t change what you need to do to resolve it.
The 3-Step Process
So how do you start turning this around, even if she’s emotionally shut down and you’re burning with frustration?
Step 1: Identify the Real Emotions
Anger is often a secondary emotion rooted in fear or sadness due to frustration, injustice or unmet needs.
So the first step toward letting go of anger is to identify the underlying emotions, acknowledge them, and feel them.
Letting go of anger is critical, not because your pain isn’t real, but because holding onto it will destroy your life and keep you from solving the real problems that are causing it.
It’s also worth asking yourself if all this anger is solely about the lack of sex, or could some of it be tied to deeper wounds, past rejections, insecurities, or unresolved issues?
This isn’t to dismiss your anger or suggest it’s unwarranted, but exploring whether it’s proportionate can bring clarity and relief, helping you align your emotions with the situation.
If you need help, get in touch and I can support you in processing and releasing these emotions.
Step 2: Communicate Clearly
Once you’ve processed your anger and identified the underlying emotions, you’ll be better equipped to express your feelings clearly and respectfully.
For example:
“I feel disconnected and unhappy without physical intimacy in our marriage.
I know my anger hasn’t helped, and I’m working on that.
But I didn’t sign up for a sexless marriage, and I won’t settle for one long-term.
I’m open to talking about what’s going on between us, and I’m committed to improving myself.
But I think we both deserve better than this.”
This opens the door to a real conversation, one you’ve probably been avoiding.
It’s not about fixing everything overnight, but about starting an honest dialogue.
If it feels daunting, book a session with me and I can guide you through it as a couple.
Step 3: Work on Developing Yourself
Spend some time introspecting and come up with a list of at least 5 things you’d like to improve about yourself.
It could be anything, your fitness, hobbies, emotional health, or social life.
Set achievable goals, like hitting the gym, picking up an old passion, or working with a therapist like me to become more emotionally grounded.
Commit to this as a long-term project and make sure you do something every day that moves you toward your goals.
Not only does this build your confidence and resilience,
it shifts your focus away from resentment and toward personal growth which is attractive and empowering, regardless of what does or doesn’t happen in your marriage.
What to Expect
It’s highly unlikely that these steps are going to result in an immediate U-turn in your wife’s sexual interest in you, or her willingness to work on her part of the problem. But it will rapidly transform your own mental health and confidence.
In the short term, you’re still going to be sexually frustrated, and so you’ll have to channel that energy into exercise, discipline, and strength and yes, giving yourself release when you need to, without shame.
Stick with the process. Because as long as your wife is a generally intelligent, open and engaged woman, she’s going to find it increasingly difficult not to be inspired and drawn to a man who’s kicking ass and taking names in almost every area of his life.
Keep the Door Open
By letting go of anger and focusing on your own growth, confidence, health, and emotional well-being, you create a calmer, pressure-free space that your wife would be crazy not to want to move into.
You absolutely don’t at any point have to pretend that everything is ok, that’s not what I’m saying. So, keep communicating calmly and consistently that the lack of intimacy is still painful and not something you’ll accept forever.
Ask real questions with curiosity and respect:
- Are there unresolved issues between us?
- Are you struggling with body image or self-worth?
- Could hormones, health, medications or trauma be factors?
- Do you understand why sex is so important to me?
- Are you aware of how deeply this has been hurting me?
- Is there something else going on for you that I can support you through?
These are all valid questions which you’ll find getting answers to much easier if you approach her respectfully and ask the questions with care and interest.
Invest in Yourself and Your Marriage
All the while, keep doing the things you know in your heart you should be doing. Run, go to the gym, introspect, learn, grow, build yourself up. At the same time, invest in your marriage. Show your wife attention, give genuine compliments, plan dates, and demonstrate care — even if it feels unreciprocated at first.
If this feels difficult because your marriage has been strained, start with small actions, even if they feel awkward or forced. “Faking it” isn’t about being dishonest. It’s about practicing the behaviours of a healthy partner until they start to feel more natural and authentic again.
None of this will be possible if you’re consumed by anger.
If She Comes Back, Be Ready
If you keep going in this positive direction and she doesn’t come along, there’s no way you’ll suffer it for that long
because the self-worth you’ll develop will make it impossible to tolerate suffering indefinitely.
Or on the flip side, she’s going to see you doing these amazing things and it’s going to make her feel nervous.
If her heart’s still beating for the marriage, even if it’s faint, she’s going to catch that whiff of what you’re doing and rather than get left behind, she’s going to want to come along for the ride.
Now, if she does, (and this is important) welcome her with open arms.
Because too many men stumble here.
They let bitterness take over with thoughts like:
“Oh, now you want me? Well, f*** you, it’s too late.”
That kind of unwillingness to forgive can destroy what could have been a beautiful reconnection. So don’t be that guy.
Final Thoughts
This process isn’t just about fixing a sexless marriage.
Although of course, I want that for you.
It’s about reclaiming your life, your health, your confidence, and your sense of purpose.
Whether your wife comes along for the ride or not, whether she commits to working on her own issues or not — you’ll come out stronger, healthier, and more grounded.
You might think that sounds like fluff, but it’s not, and I’ve seen it work. When you’re integrated, coherent, confident, and moving forward with purpose, people will notice — including your wife. You’ll feel better, look better, and radiate a kind of energy that draws people in.
If your wife’s heart is still in the marriage, and if she is healthy enough, she’ll notice and she’ll make radical changes herself, inspired by you. And if not, you’ll be in a position to make choices from a place of strength and clarity, not desperation. No matter what happens in your marriage, you deserve to feel alive, confident, and whole again.
And you can get there, one step at a time, one day at a time.
I’m rooting for you.
Are you affected by this topic?
Do you need some guidance?
Book an Online Coaching Session with me here.
Laura How
Relationship Counsellor & Coach
Recommended Reading About Relationship Needs
His Needs, Her Needs
‘This book will educate you in the care of your spouse,’ explains Dr Willard Harley. ‘Once you have learned its lessons, your spouse will find you irresistible, a condition that’s essential to a happy and successful marriage.’
This fresh and highly entertaining book identifies the ten most important needs within marriage for husbands and wives. It teaches you how to fulfil each other’s needs. Couples who find each other irresistible during the early years of their marriage may become incompatible if they fail to meet these central needs. According to Dr Harley, the needs of men and women are similar, but their priorities are vastly different.
Are you able to identify which of the following needs are his and which are hers? In what order would you place them? Admiration, Affection, An attractive spouse, Conversation, Domestic support, Family commitment, Financial support, Honesty and openness, Recreational companionship, Sexual fulfilment.
The Passionate Marriage
Passionate Marriage has long been recognized as the pioneering book on intimate human relationships. Now with a new preface by the author, this updated edition explores the ways we can keep passion alive and even reach the height of sexual and emotional fulfillment later in life. Acclaimed psychologist David Schnarch guides couples toward greater intimacy with proven techniques developed in his clinical practice and worldwide workshops. Chapters―covering everything from understanding love relationships to helpful “tools for connections” to keeping the sparks alive years down the road―provide the scaffolding for overcoming sexual and emotional problems. This inspirational book is sure to help couples invigorate their relationships and reach the fullest potential in their love lives.
The Sex-Starved Marriage
Bring the spark back into your bedroom and your relationship with gutsy and effective advice from bestselling author Michele Weiner Davis. It is estimated that one of every three married couples struggles with problems associated with mismatched sexual desire. If you want to stop fighting about sex and revitalize your intimate connection with your spouse, then you need this book. In “The Sex-Starved Marriage,” bestselling author Michele Weiner Davis will help you understand why being complacent or bitter about ho-hum sex might cost you your relationship. Full of moving first-hand accounts from couples who have struggled with the erosion of sexual desire and rebuilt their passionate connection, “The Sex-Starved Marriage” addresses every aspect of the sexual libido problem.
I’m going to buy a puppy. I’m going to give it attention and love. Then, after awhile, I’m going to put it outside, lock it up in the yard and leave it alone. No more petting, no more telling it what a good dog it is. Of course I’ll keep feeding it, watering it and taking it to the vet. I don’t want it to be neglected. But I’m going to make sure the gate is closed. I wouldn’t want it to go next door or down the block for attention–it would be wrong for it to do that.
I don’t feel guilty; it’s ok that I just don’t feel like petting it any more–that was never something I owed it anyway. I read somewhere I’m not obligated to pet it. Besides, it’s just not as fun to pet it now that it’s not a puppy anymore–everyone understands that. I mean, it’s still a lot of fun, but it’s dirty and I have to wash up afterwards, and it always wants to play no matter what–that’s so ridiculous. I read somewhere else that dogs don’t really need to play with their owner, they can play by themselves–and everyone knows it’s wrong for a dog to expect its owner to keep playing with it if the owner doesn’t want to.
That guy down the block actually got rid of his puppy once it grew up–but I’m not like that–I’m going to keep my dog because I’m better than he is.
It just doesn’t seem as close and cuddly as it used to when I first brought it home. It was smothering me–always wanting attention, even when I wasn’t in the mood to play with it. I don’t feel the same way toward it that I used to and I’m sure it doesn’t feel the same way towards me either, so it’s ok. I’ve changed–I don’t need that kind of attention from it any more and so it’s fine to withhold that attention from it. And it’s changed. It’s not a puppy anymore so it doesn’t need the attention from me.
If it’s a good dog, it will stay, it won’t try to get out of the yard it won’t chew up the door or damage the fence. But being a good dog still doesn’t mean I owe it any attention.
If it’s a bad dog, it might try to get away, maybe tear things up or become aggressive. But that’s all its fault–nothing to do with me. It was obviously bad from the beginning–now it just showed its true colors.
Anyway, if the dog cared enough, it would find a way to break through, to change the way I feel now instead of it just being resentful.
You see, I’m still a good dog owner. And I have other reasons besides the ones given, in case you’re not convinced–I went online and found long lists of relatable reasons why an owner stops petting their dogs–some of them applied to me which validated my feelings on the matter.
I don’t resent the decades spent with someone who only wants to be with me platonically.
I don’t resent missing the chance to spend my life with someone who cared enough about me to want to meet all my needs.
I don’t resent that the way my wife treated me destroyed who I was and made me remake myself into a different person so I could go on.
I don’t resent the person I am now, or missing out on finding out who I would have grown into had things been different.
I don’t resent losing my faith.
I don’t resent decades of a 100 mile commute because I sacrificed to live where she wanted, even though she worked from home, instead of living 5 minutes from my work.
I don’t resent living in my own house with no privacy.
I don’t resent the day I realized that I no longer had a home, I only had a house.
I don’t resent the hundreds of thousands of dollars I’ve spent paying her bills.
I don’t resent learning that if you’re going to be lonely, it’s better to do it while being alone.
I don’t resent having to admit to myself that the physical part of our relationship was never what I thought it was, never what she let me think it was at first.
I don’t resent wondering what she was thinking while we were having sex, before she finally decided she was done with it altogether.
I don’t resent that I would be retired by now if I had lived alone instead of having to pay bills for two people and plan retirement for two people.
I don’t resent the fact that if I had less integrity and weren’t so nice, I could have just left when she decided she was done with me from a physical standpoint and improved my life in so many ways.
I don’t resent the fact that she still depends on me and expects me to meet all her needs even though she obviously has no interest in even understanding my needs, let alone meeting them.
I don’t resent all the wasted hours I spent talking, communicating, trying to help her understand what she was doing to us, to me, to our relationship.
I don’t resent all the things I told her thinking we were sharing, growing closer, learning about each other only to find that wasn’t what was happening at all.
I don’t resent that even after all she’s done, I still don’t hate her, that I still care for her and will keep caring for her.
I don’t resent taking her on vacations where she wanted to go.
I don’t resent the time I didn’t spend with my friends and family so I could spend it with her.
I don’t resent that she chose to live in a place that is antithetical to my hobbies.
I don’t resent the sacrifices I made when I thought she cared about all of me, not just some of me.
I don’t resent keeping the commitments I made even though they were made under false pretenses.
I don’t resent the years of leaving work and knowing for certain that there wouldn’t be anyone waiting to welcome me physically.
I don’t resent the endless pall of realization that I will never, ever have sex again.
I don’t resent the time I spend every day wondering if there was something I could have changed, said, or done that might have resulted in a different outcome.
I don’t resent the unbearable weight of hopelessness that colors virtually everything I think, say and do.
I don’t resent the betrayal.
I don’t resent the fact that she still seems to think that, and still acts like things are good between us even after she destroyed me.
I don’t resent seeing other people who aren’t in my situation, and wondering what I did to end up where I am.
I don’t resent that even though I know the truth, I still have this guilty feeling, deep inside that somehow it’s my fault that she didn’t want me any more.
I don’t resent the blatant dishonesty that had to have been there from the beginning for our relationship to have changed so dramatically shortly into our marriage and then again when she decided she was done with sex altogether.
I don’t resent that she stole my lover from me and replaced her with a roommate. I don’t resent realizing that she really was never my lover in the first place.
There’s so much I don’t resent, I can’t even list it all. I take comfort in the fact that my lack of resentment is shining through–that it must be easy to see when one reads between the lines.
Seriously now.
I think if you really want to help people, you need to admit the truth and stop trying to fix a problem that isn’t so much as problem as it is the status quo. Instead, tell men what to expect from a marriage so they can understand going in, so they won’t be so surprised at the predictable changes in their physical relationship as women transition from using sex as an acquisition tool into the maintenance phase. Give men a realistic frame of reference to work from at the beginning, so that they at least have a chance to make an informed decision. I’m an incurable romantic–I do believe that sometimes there really is a happily ever after–but you can’t tell men that and let them learn otherwise on their own–it’s too potentially destructive. It’s better to tell them the likely outcome up front so that they can manage expectations.
My situation right now would be 100 times better if I had understood where things were heading from the beginning. Even if I had chosen to marry anyway, I could still have made decisions that would have improved my life dramatically without having to dissolve the marriage. I made sacrifices that were worthwhile at the time, when the relationship was different, that are now intolerable in the present situation. I gave up things I didn’t miss until she cut me off completely–now those losses torment me every day, like scorpions sewn into my clothing.
A friend of mine who’s in the same situation actually had his wife apologize to him for the way she handled sex in their marriage. Don’t get me wrong–she wasn’t willing to start having sex again, but I thought it was nice for her to at least acknowledge that things could have been different, to admit that it had a lot to do with decisions she made and that she felt bad about it. I think maybe 15 years ago, an admission like that from my wife would have bought her some goodwill. But at this point the years of total silence on the topic are almost as much of a daily wound as the situation itself.
I just wish someone had set me down when I was single and hammered reality into my head. Biology is tough for guys to fight, and the gray matter might have lost that battle anyway, but even so, I think it would have helped to have that information to remember when things started changing.
By the way, the whole idea that “If a woman doesn’t feel safe she won’t have sex and that’s why your wife isn’t having sex with you.” is horrendously twisted. If a woman doesn’t feel safe, she should LEAVE. You don’t fix feeling unsafe by staying with a person but stopping the sex. Suggesting that it’s possible to work through a relationship that is making one of the participants feel like they aren’t safe is dangerous (by definition) and counterproductive.
That said, I suspect you are using “safe” to mean: “a feeling of wellbeing based on the emotional state of the relationship”, not in the context of physical safety. The problem with that is the equivocation really tangles the concepts. It’s perfectly understandable that a person who doesn’t feel physically safe doesn’t want to have sex, horror movie scripts notwithstanding. Saying it that way validates the concept. The problem is that you really mean that a woman who doesn’t feel happy about the emotional state of the relationship is going to stop having sex.
Perhaps that’s still justifiable, but it’s quite a different concept. And I would argue that in that situation, the solution isn’t to stop having sex, it’s to maintain the physical relationship and use the closeness as an opportunity to share. Togetherness is a huge advantage in a relationship. The biochemistry of touch and sex is very powerful–it’s foolish and self-destructive to abandon that at a time when a relationship needs help.
So–if you don’t feel safe–GET AWAY.
On the other hand, if you don’t feel good about the emotional state of the relationship–work on it. But don’t that call feeling something different in an attempt to rationalize a course of action that is actually going to damage the emotional state of the relationship further.
What is meant by ‘safety’ is covered here: https://laurahow.com/why-sex-trust-are-essential-in-marriage/
And no, it’s not only about physical safety or simply ‘being happy’.
You’re making a nuanced situation sound simple when it isn’t.
So–if you don’t feel safe–GET AWAY is like saying if she won’t have sex LEAVE. It’s not so easy.
Right, it’s not physical safety, which is integral to the point. Using the word ‘safety’ carries the connotation of danger and thus provides a weightiness that isn’t really justified in this context. If it really is about safety, physical safety, then the decision should not be whether or not to have sex, the decision should be to leave and escape the danger that threatens safety.
But, as you say, and as I said, that’s not really what’s at issue. What is at issue is a feeling of wellbeing about the emotional state of the relationship. The questions she’s asking and answering are: “Do I feel I valued?”, “Do I feel calm?”, “Do I feel emotionally secure?”, it’s not that she’s actually asking herself: “Am I safe?”. Of course, those are all valid questions, but the difference between the first three and the last one should be quite obvious.
Now, am I saying that a woman is obligated to have sex if she can’t answer those first three questions positively? Of course not. I don’t believe a woman is ever obligated to have sex under any conditions. I am saying that having biochemistry working for her in a situation where she’s trying to work on a relationship is wise. Also, that since marriage is, at its core intimacy of all types, that it’s unwise to pretend otherwise, to pretend that one can abandon some aspects of what makes marriage what it is–something that will obviously weaken marriage–in an attempt to make it stronger.
The other thing I’m saying is that, unless the goal is to make a man defensive, it’s counterproductive to accuse him of making his wife feel “unsafe”. Speak directly to the real concerns and don’t use terms that carry the connotation of danger. I mean, if safety is the issue, she can get a protective order, buy a security system, or take a self-defense class. If someone were to tell me that my wife wasn’t having sex because she didn’t feel safe, I would start listing all the things that should make her feel safe, all the things I do to make her safe, all the things that make it clear her security is important to me. Which would be a waste of everyone’s time because that’s not the actual concern.
If she doesn’t feel valued, on the other hand, she should look at her situation and see if that’s really the case and not just a feeling: Is she being cared for? Does she have food? Are her children being cared for and fed? Does she have transportation? Is there intellectual parity in the relationship? Is she being isolated from her friends and family? Are her opinions and suggestions being dismissed? Is she belittled in front of others? These are questions with answers that provide their own strategy for bettering the situation because they directly address the issue that’s causing her to feel like she isn’t valued.
If she doesn’t feel calm, again, there are questions directly related to what is disturbing her equanimity that will provide useful answers. Is it just a feeling, or are there things that can be changed to address the issues.
And more to the point, when the issue is calming the emotional state of the relationship, it doesn’t make sense to adopt a strategy that is guaranteed to do just the opposite. Withholding physical intimacy and complaining about a lack of “safety” are practically guaranteed to cause resentment and emotional instability in a relationship.
Guys are pretty straightforward. Tell a guy he needs to do X, Y and Z to keep his marriage stable and to make his partner feel better and the odds are really good that he will do them. Maybe there will be some negotiation, as there should be in a symbiotic relationship, but let’s face it, if the relationship and the intimacy that is integral to it weren’t important, the conversation would never happen in the first place.
It should go without saying, but it is critical to make sure that the concerns addressed really speak to the issue at hand. One of the best ways to build resentment is to give a guy the “reasons” sex isn’t happening and then, after he addresses them, make sure that nothing changes in the intimacy department. That makes it clear to him that the “reasons” weren’t reasons at all and that he’s being jerked around and played for a fool.
You keep correcting my use of the word “safety” as if the clinical meaning is up for debate. It isn’t. In this field, safety has always included emotional and relational safety, not only physical threat. That’s standard across Gottman, EFT, attachment theory, PACT, and the models I use every day. You’re free to prefer a different word, but it’s simply not accurate to insist that safety only refers to physical danger.
You’re also framing my work as pointless, as if every marriage follows one path and women inevitably withdraw sexually once the relationship is secure. I understand why you feel that way. What you lived through would leave anyone disillusioned. And if you’re surrounded by men with similar stories, I can see why it might feel universal. But taking a personal experience and saying a biological rule doesn’t hold up. I’ve worked with couples for twenty years and I see sex lives bounce back routinely.
I’ll also acknowledge that some women (and some men) do use sex as a bargaining chip or a tool. It’s actually what my next post is about. But it isn’t the norm, and it’s not what I see most often in my practice. Most sexual withdrawals come from resentment, overwhelm, or long-term disconnection, not manipulation or acquisition tactics.
Your story deserves compassion, truly, but it doesn’t define how intimacy or attachment work or set the precedent for how all women behave or what all men should expect.
If my approach doesn’t resonate with you, that’s fine. I’m speaking to the people who want to understand what went wrong and who still have room to rebuild something stronger.
Ok, let’s talk about the use of the term ‘safety’. Do people place a tremendous level of importance on emotional safety/security in a relationship? Of course they do. I know I certainly do. I don’t think anyone could possibly debate that. Without emotional security there’s barely even the pretense of a relationship.
However, the juxtaposition of physical safety and emotional safety in the problem statement (“…doesn’t feel emotionally or physically safe.”) is pure spin. If I make a statement about “the seriousness of international and emotional terrorism”, the combination of the two terms can’t help but trivialize international terrorism, the lives it costs and the horrible toll it takes on the targets. And, by the same token, the conglomerative terminology raises the perception of severity of emotional terrorism by directly associating it with a truly horrendous topic.
It is equivocation to use the term “terrorism” to describe two so different offenses as if they are two parts of one general concept, just as it is (admittedly to a lesser degree) to use the term “safety” in the way this article uses it. If the goal is to address emotional safety, then that should be treated as its own distinct topic, there should be no implication or pretense that it is, in some manner, a subset of physical safety. In exactly the same way that emotional terrorism should be treated as a separate topic, and not discussed with the implication that it should be considered along with international terrorism.
Is this just picking nits? Not at all. When spin is employed, there’s always an agenda and that’s the crux of the matter. There are some common themes that run through the material—a narrative, as it were. Namely:
–This problem can and should be thought of as an anomaly and shouldn’t be viewed as being so common that it could reasonably be characterized as the norm.
–This problem is an issue that both partners commonly view as a situation requiring resolution.
–This problem can be corrected by taking the proper steps/following the proper advice because it’s not the result of a conscious decision or strong tendency by either partner. Rather, it is primarily an unfortunate state of affairs that arises in a “no fault” manner through lack of awareness and knowledge.
–The man’s attitude, and behaviors (and perhaps also his person) are a significant part of the problem.
I don’t believe any one of those statements has the strength to stand against the evidence and facts. When taken together, they are, particularly from the perspective of a woman who has unilaterally decided to stop contributing to certain aspects of her marriage, a pleasant fiction.
Some things to think about and then I’ll be done.
First thought: When one partner in a marriage devalues the contributions of the other partner, they also devalue their own contributions. A marriage is, in effect, a very small economy consisting of two parties. If one party unilaterally decides that the other party’s “goods and services” are no longer worth desiring, they simultaneously devalue their own goods and services. Without some kind of constructive exchange, an economy does not exist. Without some perception of a level of rough parity between the value of the “goods and services” of both parties, the economy stops being symbiotic and becomes dysfunctional, parasitic, or simply ceases to be.
Second thought: When one partner in a marriage unilaterally decides to stop making contributions to the marriage that the other partner considers to be important, the impact will be most severe if the latter partner is generally an agreeable/nice/committed person. If they are not that kind of person, then once they see the lay of the land, in the general parlance, they will simply “bounce”. It is the normal, and probably the healthy, response to this kind of an insult. Both partners need to be honest with themselves and with each other. One partner deciding that they can rearrange the nature of marriage unilaterally is absolutely unreasonable and is absolutely a call for the dissolution of the relationship. Ideally, the partner taking such steps should have the integrity to do the right thing rather than trying to see if, and how long, they can continue to get what they want from the remains of the relationship “for free”. But if they will not, the other partner needs to get away.
Finally, we need to be fair with each other, we need to be honest with ourselves, we need to have integrity in how we transact relationships with our partners and we need to maintain a healthy perspective. If we see that is not happening in a relationship, we need to have the fortitude, sense of self-worth and self-confidence to walk away from the ruins and not look back. Rewarding piracy with continued commitment is self-destruction. You won’t get those years back–you’re cheating yourself. You’re cheating your spouse by keeping them from being with someone they care enough about to show it. And you’re potentially cheating some other person out there who is seeking a healthy relationship and would be happy to be with you.
If your wife loves you and cares about you she will care about your needs too, just as you will care about hers. You will both find joy in meeting each other’s needs. It’s not complicated, it’s simple.