How do you react when your partner complains about something you’ve said or done?
Do you feel attacked and want to fight back or bring up something they did in the past? Or do you feel overwhelmed, injured and unable to respond?
If any of that sounds familiar, then this article is for you.
Listening to your partners complaints about you isn’t always easy and can be quite stressful, so in this video I’m going to share some strategies that will help you cope with these situations in a more healthy and constructive way.
Being able to listen to complaints is a skill that anyone can develop and become comfortable with over time.
Now, just to be clear, I’m talking about general complaints here, not criticism, which is very different, and I’ll make another video on that topic soon.
A criticism is an attack on a person’s character. For example: “You never want to spend time with me, you’re so uncaring!” Whereas a complaint is intended to address a specific behaviour and might sound something like “I feel really hurt when I get home from work, and you don’t come downstairs to ask how my day was.”
Complaints are inevitable and if they are handled well, they can create stronger emotional bonds and help build trust and intimacy. This requires that both partners feel that the other is approachable and that it is safe you bring your concerns to each other.
So, if you struggle to hear anything negative about the way you behave from your partner, try some of these strategies to help you stay calm and react in a more constructive way.
5 Strategies to Become Less Defensive
- Slow Down & Pay Attention
You may feel attacked when your partner confronts you about something even if what they are saying is fair. This is your body’s natural fight or flight response to a perceived threat, so you might feel like you want to either run away or retaliate. As soon as you notice these feelings, try to breathe slowly and just acknowledge what’s going on inside you. Try not to react immediately and avoid the temptation to interrupt. The key is to slow down, stay calm and focussed and listen to what your partner is saying. This is a skill that gets easier with practise, I promise. - Be Compassionate with Yourself
Maybe you said or did something out of character or maybe you were just having a bad day and did or said something unkind. Remember, you are just a human with flaws and imperfections like everyone else, so try not to be too hard on yourself. Also, remember this person is probably not trying to hurt you, even if it feels like they are in the moment. They might just have a concern that they want to address before it becomes a bigger issue. Also, confronting you might be quite stressful for them too if you have been defensive in the past. The fact that they’re courageous enough to voice their concern means that they care about their relationship with you. - Take a Break
If emotions get the better of you and you feel like you can’t control how you are reacting, it’s perfectly ok to say that you need a break. Take a walk and calm down, gather your thoughts and return to the conversation as soon as you are ready. Things often make more sense if we remove ourselves from a situation for long enough to let the emotional storm settle. - Be Interested
Be interested, not only in what they’re telling you and how it made them feel, but in what it is about you that lead you to behave the way you did. See it as an opportunity to learn something about yourself that might be helpful. If you feel that your partner hasn’t been clear or that you don’t quite understand why they’re upset, it’s ok to ask for specific examples. Showing that you’re interested will reassure your partner that you care about them and that you take their feelings seriously. - Take Responsibility
If you can see that you were in the wrong and that your behaviour has upset your partner, first acknowledge your partners feelings and then apologise… kindly. If you are feeling too distressed to apologise immediately, tell them that you’ve heard what they said and that you’ll come back to the conversation as soon as you’ve had a chance to think it over.
If these strategies all feel too difficult for you at the moment, then you might have some important work to do around what you learned about conflict in your childhood.
There can be all sorts of reasons why you might not be able to regulate your emotions when challenged, but again, be compassionate with yourself and remember is it fully possible to change these patterns.
If you need help, please feel free to get in touch and book a session.
Ultimately, defensiveness is harmful to relationships because over time, relatively small, solvable problems can be left to grow into bigger issues. Blame, frustration and resentment can build as a result and trust will eventually be diminished.
No conversation should be off limits if you want your relationship to thrive.
It is important to realise that complaints are perfectly normal in a healthy, functional relationships. In fact, some of the strongest couples I know bicker all the time, but they know they are loved, and they accept that some conflict is to be expected in any authentic relationship.
A loving partner wants you to be the best version of yourself that you can possibly be, and they almost certainly see your flaws more clearly than you do.
If each of you can learn to listen to feedback with interest rather than defensiveness, you will grow as individuals and your relationship will be stronger for it.