How Women Can Help Their Husbands TO Become More Present
The number one complaint I hear from wives when they come to couples counselling with their husbands, is that their husband has become distant or detached, and that he no longer seems to want to connect with her on any kind of deep or meaningful level.
This causes severe distress in women, as generally speaking, they need to feel seen and valued in order to feel secure within a relationship, and also to thrive and flourish more generally in life.
When a husband emotionally checks out of a marriage, it doesn’t take too long for it to unravel entirely or for it to become at best, platonic, bland, and functional.
Not exactly what any of us dream of is it ladies!
And just to be clear, in this article I’m referring to husbands who are generally good men. If your husband is abusive, or lies, or cheats then my suggestions won’t apply to you. To you, I say go and get professional support immediately. If however, you are married to a decent, honest, and loyal man who seems to have lost interest in you and your marriage, then please keep reading.
I’m not going to talk about what and how husbands need to change, but rather what wives can do themselves, to improve their marriages if things have become somewhat stale or mundane.
As I’ve said before, one spouse can dramatically change the tone of a marriage by themselves in no time at all. All that is required, is the willingness to take positive steps, and perhaps an openhearted, and caring spirit for what might be best for your marriage.
So why do so many good men emotionally detach from their wives? Is it due to a lack of care for their wives, or have they withdrawn over time because THEY don’t feel cared for?
To help you work this out for your specific situation, I’ve put together a list of three common reasons husbands withdraw from their wives and what you, the wife, might be able to do to invite him to want to be closer and more present with you. The more you can eliminate from this list the better, but one or more might apply to you. I encourage you to address them consistently over the coming months and see how your marriage improves.
3 Reasons Your Husband Has Withdrawn
- He’s Not Getting Enough Sex or Physical Affection
OK ladies, buckle up, I know for many this is a big one… After working with men and couples for 15 years, I am convinced that physical intimacy is a valid emotional need for men. They crave your closeness, touch, warmth and affection. Holding hands, sitting together, cuddling, kissing and of course, sex. It tops them up, nourishes them, and actually improves their physical health.
Generally speaking, if you want to share your life with a man, and you want him to be happy, healthy, and fulfilled, then a healthy and enjoyable sex life with you comes with the territory. Again, I’m referring to good, honest and loyal men here. Men who are doing a good job at upholding their marital vows.
I often hear from husbands who have been rejected year after year by their wives, that they have simply given up asking for intimacy. They talk about feeling a deep sense of loneliness and frustration that they no longer even feel able to discuss. Over time, in an effort to protect themselves, they withdraw emotionally and disconnect from their marriages. They also become more prone to heart disease and tend to die younger, but that’s a whole other topic.
Sex and touch matter to your man. He needs physical intimacy with you as much as you need to feel seen, supported, cherished and appreciated by him. If you’ve both agreed to uphold a monogamous marriage, then you are the only person in the world who can fulfil him in that way.
SO, am I suggesting that you should have sex with your husband… even if you don’t want to?! No. Well, not really. It’s not that simple.
I’m suggesting you start to consider his NEEDS with empathy and kindness and that you begin to warm up and move towards him. I am suggesting that you perhaps take more of an interest in the fact that he is suffering if this need is not being met consistently, and perhaps quite profoundly. I’m not sure what that will look like for you specifically but it’s a process that starts with your mind and your heart.
If you are able to move towards your husband in that way, or at least become more receptive to his needs, then I guarantee he will become happier, more confident, calmer and much more fun to be around in no time. What woman in her right mind wouldn’t want that!
Lastly, on this topic, if you have personal issues that make being there for him in this way a problem, for example, you don’t have a good relationship with your body, or you are too stressed or burned out, or you have emotional issues that you are not dealing with, then I suggest you address those for both your sakes. Remember, it is very difficult to create relational health if we are not taking the very best care of ourselves that we can as individuals. - He’s Walking on Eggshells & Has Given Up Fighting
Communicating your needs or expressing yourself in a healthy marriage should come easily and without fear. Your husband should be able to relax in his own home and feel free to be himself without worrying about any kind of reprisal. When he comes home and opens the door, he should feel welcome. A healthy relationship should mostly be a safe haven from the stresses and strains of wider life.
If you’re too often moody, or are prone to erratic, explosive or unpredictable behaviour then you will create an unpleasant environment for both of you. If your husband starts his day worried about what kind of mood you’re going to be in, or if he feels he has to busy himself making sure everything is ok for you in order to avoid a scene, he’s going to exist in a perpetual state of anxiety and will eventually shut down.
He also needs to feel free to speak his mind, to raise concerns, or tell you if he’s unhappy about something in your relationship. I hear things like this all the time from men in unhappy marriages…. “There’s no point in complaining, she just gets cross, and she never apologises anyway so what’s the point? It’s easier to just stay quiet, and I don’t want the fight.”
If your husband feels like he can’t bring his grievances to you because too often he doesn’t feel heard, then eventually he’s going to stop trying. Remember that complaints are a perfectly normal part of a healthy relationship and that they actually help facilitate growth and intimacy. But you have to learn to be able to listen to them with interest and empathy, and without defensiveness.
If you have general and persistent feelings of resentment or apathy towards your husband, or if you’ve become unapproachable, then it’s up to you to change that. Yes, you heard me ladies, it is up to you to change. I know it is hard to believe, but sometimes it is US that is in the wrong!!!
The first step is to recognise when you’re being unkind, cold or hostile, and to acknowledge it and take responsibility. You can then make a conscious choice, day by day, to soften, lighten the mood and warm the entire marriage up. In fact, in doing this, women are able to set the tone of the entire home. And again, what woman in her right mind would not want this!
Make a habit of welcoming him home, put some music on and cook with him, listen to his opinions or complaints with interest even if you don’t always agree with them. Try your best to shake off any negative feelings that have become habitual, and instead consciously start to notice all the good things about your husband, things I have no doubt you used to admire. This process can be pivotal in transforming marriages, and YOU have a part to play. - He Doesn’t Feel Like You’re on the Same Team
My husband lacks skills and qualities in many areas that come perfectly naturally to me, and the same is of course true for me. But we more than make up for each other’s weaknesses with our very different but unique strengths, and that’s the point. Together we are greater than the sum of our parts.
A husband and wife SHOULD be a team.
We need each other and we complement each other. In my opinion, this natural union is quite astonishing and remarkable. Kudos to nature and to evolution for sorting this for us! In order to function well, a team requires trust, respect, support and cooperation between its members. Ideally its members feel positively about being part of the team and about their fellow team member!
If your husband doesn’t feel all these things strongly from you in your day to day lives, then it makes sense that he might lose faith in your marriage’s chances of success, and perhaps in you as his number one.
If you’re focussing too much on yourself, or keeping score of his faults, or noticing where he is falling short and not balancing that out with recognition of his strengths, then he won’t feel you are on his side, and that will hurt him.
The simple act of regarding yourselves as a team, and seeing yourselves as being on the same side rather than as competitors, will mark a powerful shift in how you perform as a couple. If he wins, you win, your children win, and your marriage will become a force to be reckoned with. So consider in every interaction or decision whether or not your behaviour is good for your marriage or harmful to it.
Avoid any behaviour that diminishes your husband’s wellbeing or sense of value. Stonewalling, eye rolling, withholding affection or hostility are strictly off limits. Have regular check ins with your husband where you can discuss how you think you are doing as a couple. Try to support him where he struggles and allow him to do the same for you.
OK, there you go ladies, perhaps some food for thought.
If one or more of those reasons apply to you, then perhaps devote yourself to several months of careful consideration and growth as a wife and see what happens.
As I said earlier, one spouse can dramatically change a marriage by themselves, they just have to be willing to try and to take some responsibility for their part in what might be going wrong.
If none of these reasons apply to you and you have been consistently what I would describe as a ‘good enough’ wife, then maybe his lack of availability has something more to do with him.
So, what else might be going on?
Other Reasons Your Husband Might HAVE Emotionally Detached
It might be that your husband has some other issue that is preventing him from being present with you. If he has certain health problems, is massively stressed with work, is suffering with poor mental health, or has unresolved issues from childhood for example, then he might be struggling to be present generally. These are all solvable issues that you can support him through. Be kind, have supportive conversations with him, show him that you care about his suffering and urge him to get help if you feel strongly that he needs to.
Tell him explicitly that you care about your marriage and about him and remember that it is healthy for you to want to talk about all this stuff. Don’t allow him to dismiss you or to make light of the situation.
On a final note. If none of the issues discussed so far apply to either of you, and assuming you’ve already explained how and why connection, affection and attention is important to you, is that maybe he just doesn’t care enough about what you need.
I don’t think it’s reasonable in a marriage to demand monogamy and withhold love and attention for no good reason. If the conversation is off limits or draws hostility, then maybe it’s time to get professional help.
Let me know what you think in the comments below and feel free to get in touch if you need further support.
Good luck, I hope you’ve found this helpful. If you did, then you might also enjoy this one article where I share with men, 10 potential reasons their wives have stopped having sex with them.
Thanks for reading, I’ll see you next week.
In the meantime, Tell The Truth.
