Marriage is a Sexual Relationship Built on Trust

Sexual intimacy and trust sit at the core of every marriage. This article explores how a sexless marriage can develop from trust issues, why withholding sex damages connection, and how couples can rebuild security and sexual connection together.

I saw a video recently where the creator was schooling men on how to “get lucky” with their wives. A list of tricks to try, hoops to jump through, jobs to perform, all delivered with a wink to female viewers, as if the notion of simply asking or initiating was ridiculous.

I’m not sure the skit would land quite so well if the advice were about women’s needs. “Oh, you want to have a decent conversation where you feel heard and appreciated? Well, I reckon a 30-minute blowjob should cover that.”

Sounds ridiculous, right? Because it is.

The whole concept of “getting lucky” shouldn’t even exist inside a marriage. I’d hate it if my husband felt he had to perform like a clapping seal every time he wanted sex. It’s not a commodity, and basic acts of care aren’t payments.

Sex, Trust, and the Foundations of a Healthy Marriage

Marriage is a sexual relationship, so sex is part of the deal. It’s not a chargeable extra like luggage on a budget flight.

OK, wait… hang on. Am I suggesting women should have sex with their husbands no matter what? Absolutely not.

There’s a fundamental and non-negotiable proviso to the sexual covenant, and that’s trust. Steadfast, unwavering, trust.

So, in this article, we’re going to talk about how sex and trust are the two fundamental forces that govern a marriage’s health, why that is, and what to do if either are lacking.

A Quick Disclaimer

A quick disclaimer before we begin: This article isn’t for anyone dealing with trauma, abuse, coercion, or physical pain during sex, so please seek support if that’s your situation.^{(1 2)} Here, we’re talking about consensual sexual willingness, the cultural narratives that impede it, and the central role of trust.

How Evolution Shaped Men’s and Women’s Sexual Drives

Throughout human history, men faced evolutionary pressure to compete, hunt, and protect, driven by high testosterone, single-minded focus, and a strong mating instinct.^{(3 4 5 6)} Women, bearing the cost and risk of reproduction and the vulnerability of child-rearing, tended to be more attuned to threat and more selective about men they could trust with their lives.^{(4 7)} The pairing of her need for safety and his drive to protect and to mate is one of the ways families have survived across millennia.^{(3 4 7)} Obviously, society has changed, but our underlying drives have not. On average men still want a lot of sex, and women still desire feeling safe and secure with their chosen mate.^{(5 6 7)}

How Male vs Female Arousal Systems Actually Work

We can actually see this reflected in how male and female arousal systems work.^{(8 9)} For most men, arousal is excitation-dominant. So tension or challenge can actually heighten it. Just ask your man if he’d like a quickie halfway through a blazing row and he’ll probably be keen to make up and good to go. For most women on the other hand, arousal is inhibition-dominant. So if her man is a source of fear or stress it switches off.⁽¹⁰⁾ Ask your wife if she’s in the mood right after you’ve lied to her or broken her trust and see what happens.

Neither system is wrong, they’re just different, and understanding and accepting the difference is important here. In my experience, most men need sex to reduce stress, reconnect, and feel loved. Most women need to feel calm, valued, and secure before they even start thinking about taking their clothes off.^{(11 12 13)}

Of course, it’s more nuanced than that, and there’s plenty of overlap, but in my experience, the basic thesis holds.

Why Women Don’t Need as Much Safety When Dating (At First)

Now I know what lots of you are thinking: “Women don’t need that level of safety when they’re dating in order to have sex.” Well, yes. I’ve already made a whole article on that called ‘Why Women Go Off Sex’. But in short, it’s about honeymoon hormones and novelty, which can temporarily override the usual safety switch.^{(14 15)}

Once that early-phase chemistry fades, especially when children enter the picture, her need for relationship security takes priority. Meanwhile, his need for sex remains, because his drive is more stable.^{(14 15 5)}

Again, neither is wrong or less valid than the other.

How Modern, Feminist-Influenced Advice Fails Both Sexes

But this is where modern, feminist-influenced relationship advice fails both sexes. Husbands are told that sex is a byproduct of a successful marriage, rather than a necessary component of one.^{(16 17)} And that its availability depends on his daily performance. How many chores he does, how many dates he plans, or how closely he can mimic female emotional behaviour.

Women, on the other hand, are told that their need for safety, security, and to feel cherished by a man is a sign of weakness, naïveté, or worse still… ‘internalised misogyny’.

The obvious result of course, is that both men and women feel starved, conflicted and alone. Ah feminism, the gift that just keeps giving!

Pop-Psychology Individualism and the Death of Obligation

And as if that wasn’t enough, the rise of pop-psychology individualism is driving another nail into the coffin of male-female gender relations. Modern culture says happiness comes first, obligation is oppression, and if you don’t feel like doing something, you shouldn’t have to. They call it empowerment. I call it bullshit.

So, whilst “I don’t owe you sex” or “I don’t owe you an explanation” might be fair assertions in singledom, it simply doesn’t work in marriage. If you value autonomy above all else, then marriage might not be the right fit for you. Because, when it comes to these core needs in marriage, there’s no place for “I shouldn’t have to”; not if you want it to function as intended. You can’t withdraw sexually or emotionally and expect the marriage to become anything more than a surface level, platonic co-habitation.

Marriage is a voluntary covenant in which you both vow to limit certain individual freedoms for the sake of the union. It means prioritising your spouse above all else and extending yourself to meet their needs as best you can, even when you don’t feel like it. Radical I know.

In the context of this discussion, this means a woman understands her husband needs a sexual connection with her, and he understands she needs to trust him completely. We fail our marriages when we refuse to accept these basic truths.⁽¹¹⁾ If she doesn’t trust him, she won’t want to have sex with him, and nor should she. Similarly, if he’s a good man who keeps being refused, he’ll eventually lose faith in the marriage, and understandably so.^{(11 18)} This is an all-too-common downward spiral with no happy ending for either spouse. Conflict, infidelity, divorce or a descent into long-term cold indifference are likely outcomes.⁽¹⁹⁾ So often when couples come to see me, once we’ve cleared the surface-level complaints, everything boils down to these two core problems: a lack of sex or a lack of trust.

Two Core Wounds: Lack of Sex and Lack of Trust

And these two needs aren’t always lacking simultaneously. I meet good, honest men who are routinely denied sex, and I meet warm, sexually open women who are betrayed by their men. And let me tell you. A woman who keeps having sex with a man she doesn’t trust will usually be harmed. The same goes for a good man who is denied sex over the long term.^{(20 18)}

So, assuming you’re reading because you’re struggling in this area as a couple, here’s what each of you needs to do.

To Husbands

To Husbands: Accept that her need for trust and emotional security is every bit as important as your need for sex. Live as a man of integrity who she can trust fully and consistently. Do what you say you’ll do, and don’t do what you’ve promised you won’t. Demonstrate that you’re fully committed to her and that she’s safe with you not just physically, but emotionally. That doesn’t mean being more feminine, it means accepting and supporting her need for connection and presence. Don’t harm her sense of security through porn use, flirting, lying, half-truths, emotional withdrawal, addiction or resentment.

She needs to be able to look you in the eye and know, with certainty, that to your core you are steady, dependable, and truly with her.⁽¹¹⁾

To Wives

To Wives: Accept that his need for sexual connection is every bit as important as your need to feel secure.^{(16 17)} Let him know he’s wanted and that his desire for you is something you value. Make it easy for him to approach you. Respond to his initiation with warmth and when it’s a yes, signal that clearly. But say yes more often than you say no, and when you say no, be kind and reassuring about why. Don’t harm his sense of security through physical withdrawal, rolled eyes, criticism, or coldness and don’t treat his sexual needs as shallow or trivial.⁽¹⁸⁾

He needs to be able to look at you and feel confident that you’re still his and that he is wanted, appreciated and welcome.

The Positive Feedback Loop of a Healthy Sexual Marriage

Once these two core principles of marriage are established you will find other negotiations less challenging because you will be approaching them from a foundation of mutual fulfilment and safety.^{(16 17)}

Discussing chores, childcare, finances, communication, dates, and all the other administrative complexities won’t feel fraught with tension, because your basic needs are no longer contingent on them. And you’ll probably be far more willing to extend yourselves for each other in these areas anyway.

There’s no better vehicle for personal growth than marriage. Giving generously doesn’t just strengthen the marriage; it benefits the individuals profoundly.

When a man lives with integrity, acts with loyalty, and becomes a husband his wife can trust with her life, his whole life improves. He becomes more decisive, more focused, stronger and more self-assured. Integrity strengthens men and puts them in touch with their masculinity in a way nothing else can.⁽¹¹⁾

And when a woman allows herself to surrender sexually to a man she trusts fully, she can enjoy life-changing experiences. Regular, wanted sex in a bonded relationship helps her nervous system settle, makes her more resilient to stress, and supports healthier hormonal rhythms around mood and well-being. It has also been linked with stronger immune function and better long-term health outcomes. Her body and her mind thrive when she has regular, satisfying, secure, and connected sex.^{(12 13 21 22)}

As a couple, all this feeds back into a positive feedback loop. The safer she feels, the more she enjoys sex and the more of it she wants. And the more wanted he feels, the more he wants her to feel safe with him. This results in more trust, more sex, more connection, less tension, less conflict and a far more loving environment for children if you have them.^{(16 17)}

Who in their right mind wouldn’t want that?

A Final Word of Hope

If you’re not there as a couple let me assure you it is possible. A sexless, unstable marriage can be transformed into a work of art with the right amount of determination to change. It’s not always easy and it’s going to involve effort, forgiveness and teamwork but it’s worth it and it can be done. So good luck, I’m rooting for you.

If you need some support on your journey, you can get in touch with me, and I’ll happily walk alongside you.

If this message felt important to you, consider following the blog so you don’t miss the next article. I publish new content every week.

And if you enjoyed this article, then you might also enjoy the one for the ladies about ‘Sexual Generosity in Marriage’.

Thanks for reading. I’ll be back next week. In the meantime… to yourself and to others, tell the truth.

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Recommended Reading on Sexless marriages

References

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