Lack of Effort in Relationships
At the heart of most of the problems I encounter in my work with married couples, is a fundamental lack of individual effort when it comes to meeting each other’s reasonable needs. It doesn’t really matter what the presenting issues are, they’re often symptoms of a more pervasive, underlying absence of generosity over the long-term. Surely then, one of the most obvious strategies for us wives who want to improve our marriages, is to develop and maintain a more loving spirit of generosity towards our husbands.
Now, before we begin, just to be clear, when I say Husband in this article, I’m referring to good husbands. Decent, loyal men who are upholding their marital vows and who routinely extend themselves to meet their wives’ needs.
The Elephant in The Therapy Room
In preparation for this video, my husband and I googled the following questions:
“How to say thanks to your husband”, “How to show appreciation to your husband” and “How to love your husband”.
The results, generally speaking were something like this:
- Say ‘Thank you’
- Give him space
- Hug him for no reason
- Be kind
- Cook for him
- Compliment him
- Write a card
- Rub his back
Now I don’t know about you, but I found that very interesting. These are all wonderful things, don’t get me wrong, but come on, let’s be real here. If I wanted to show appreciation to my husband by offering him the choice of any of his favourite things in the world, he’s not going to opt for a back rub or a cheese sandwich, not a chance. And I’m pretty sure my husband isn’t unique in that regard.
We’re told by modern therapists and relationship experts that the most important things in a healthy relationship are honesty, trust, open communication, emotional availability and appreciation. They say that generosity means forgiveness, kindness, gratitude and verbal praise. Again, all good foundational stuff that I’m in total agreement with.
But where’s the call to honour our husband’s sexual needs in our marriages? They are, after all, usually very near the top of the list for most husbands. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. Why are there not endless articles urging us to give generously in this regard? Why are we not being informed clearly and consistently that this would be healthy, and important if we want our marriages to hold up, and our husbands to be well, and to feel loved? We demand so much of our men in terms of emotional availability, time, effort and presence, but the conversation tends to end there. As if relational enlightenment has been achieved once we can all treat each other like women like to be treated.
If our husbands manage to do x, y and z for us, well enough and for long enough, then and only then, can we can talk about giving them a little bit of what they actual desire. A few breadcrumbs under the table now and then. So I ask why? Why has our culture determined that men’s authentic emotional needs are somehow less important than ours? As if our needs make sense but theirs are somehow just a bit too much. Why is the attitude towards men’s sexual desire so negative, and why do so many people roll their eyes when it’s even mentioned? I find it quite frankly bizarre.
Love Requires Effort
Surely real love means caring about the general well-being of our partners and giving them what they actually need, rather than what we feel like giving? If our husbands say they need sex to feel fulfilled, then they need sex to feel fulfilled. End of story. We can’t just decide they’re mistaken and reject what they’re telling us, that would be unfair.
If you had a dog that needed walking daily, you wouldn’t refuse to walk it because you didn’t feel like it and then wonder why it’s pacing the walls and chewing up your furniture. The dog needs exercise or it will go mad. There’s nothing wrong with the dog.
If you are married to a good man who takes good care of you, and he tells you that sex is important to him, then in my view sex simply isn’t optional if you want him to feel loved. If we expect our husbands to be generous in meeting our emotional needs, then we need to be generous in meeting theirs. A sane and properly ordered person takes care of the things they love diligently. Whether it’s their health, kids, car, house or husband. They don’t begrudge the effort required or find excuses to avoid it all together.
So, and I’m sorry to be blunt here, but I’m calling bullshit on some of the excuses I hear wives use to avoid taking care of the good men they’re married to. I’m too tired. It’s too late. I’m not in the mood. Obviously those reasons are perfectly ok on occasion, but not in the long-term and they should not be the norm.
We certainly don’t accept these excuses from our men when it comes to them meeting our most important needs. It’s not like we don’t push and probe and poke at our men to be more emotionally aware, available, more emotionally intelligent and therefore more whole, and integrated.
One of the most interesting statements I keep hearing currently is the ‘My body, my choice’ argument for refusing sex in marriage. This stance is essentially about consent and yes, of course, all sex should be consensual, I’m not disputing that. But in a monogamous relationship there is an inherent level of implied and expected consent. With my body I honour you. That’s monogamy. You can’t go elsewhere for sex and so I agree to provide it for you.
So by withdrawing consent a wife is basically saying ‘You can’t have anybody else and also, you can’t have me.’ So he has no choice. He is being rejected and isolated. Something essential to him is being withheld from him. Not exactly fair is it? These women have every right to hold this opinion of course, but surely it would have been kinder not to have married a man in the first place.
Choosing to Love Our Husbands
If we really want our husbands to thrive, then we need to take good care of them. If we neglect to take care of their needs then they will suffer, and withholding sex is indeed neglect. So, lets use the correct words here. Obviously, taking care of your husband’s sexual needs is much more fun if you’re blessed with a healthy libido and I’ve previously written about how to improve yours if it’s a little low.
But try to remember that you don’t need to be hungry to cook a nice meal for someone. So, get creative and learn to enjoy being close to your husband in the way he needs you to be. It will benefit not only your husband, but also you and your marriage in more ways than you can imagine.
I enjoy seeing my husband thrive because I want the best for him. I want the best for him because he deserves that. He is unspeakably valuable to me and because of that I have learned to listen to what he tells me about what he needs. So, I take his needs as seriously as I take my own. We’re a team after all, so if one of us is suffering, then our marriage is suffering and I don’t want that for either of us.
Being a generous person is far better for us than being a mean spirited or lazy person. Working hard to look after the things we love is good for our mental and physical health. Scientific studies show that practising generosity can decrease blood pressure, reduce stress, help you live longer, boost your mood and improve the quality of your marriage.(1)
So, to all those women who love their husbands and want their marriages to thrive, if you really want to show your appreciation to your husband, then I say swap the thank-you card for a daytime quickie. Ditch the back rub and give him a blowjob in the shower instead. You’ll literally make his week and if you don’t believe in Karma yet, you certainly will.
My loving invitation to you all is to practise being more sexually generous towards your husband. Try this for a month and see how your marriage improves. Try this for six moths and see how your husband and your marriage comes to life before your very eyes.
References:
(1) Dew, J., & Wilcox, W. B. (2013). Generosity and the maintenance of marital quality. Journal of Marriage and Family, 75(5), 1218–1228. https://doi.org/10.1111/jomf.12066
