How Sexless Marriages Hurt Men

A Plea for Compassion

If you’re a woman and you’re married to a generally good man, a kind, loving and devoted husband, but sex has been off the menu for some time, without consultation with or willing consent from him, then this post is for you.

It’s not intended to shame or judge, only to educate and hopefully inspire a new conversation and perhaps a new era in your marriage. There are obviously very good reasons why sex might have to take a back seat in certain situations, but over the long term there are of course consequences which I believe many good women and otherwise loving wives simply aren’t aware of.

So this a very short crash course about the physical and emotional effects a sexless marriage has on men, and it’s a plea for compassion, and a call to action to the wives they’re married to.

Because, a deeply fulfilled and healthy man is a truly tremendous thing, and a great source of strength in the world.

Effects of a Sexless Marriage on Men

Here are the 10 most common effects a low sex or sexless marriage can have on men.  If your husband is exhibiting any of these symptoms, then please consider starting a sex positive conversation with him.

1. Loneliness & Isolation
   Without the intimate connection and bonding that sex facilitates, a man in a sexless marriage will eventually experience significant feelings of isolation and loneliness.⁽¹⁾  For most men, sex is a key component of emotional intimacy, and its absence can create a sense of almost total disconnection between him and his wife.⁽²⁾
   
2. Low Self-esteem & Confidence
   For most men, the primary way in which they feel loved, appreciated and accepted is through sexual connection. Thus, sexual rejection is often interpreted by men as a fundamental rejection of their very nature as individuals.  This rejection can and often does lead to feelings of low self-worth which will ultimately impact their confidence in every other area of their lives.⁽³⁾
   
3. Shame
   If a man’s natural and normal need for sexual connection is dismissed, ignored, minimised or ridiculed it can cause deep feelings of personal shame. He might begin to believe that a core part of what makes him the man he is, is somehow depraved, childish, unacceptable and therefore that he himself is fundamentally unlovable.⁽⁴⁾
   
4. Reduced Trust & Respect
   It’s hard for men to reconcile loving words or marital vows with an absence of what they consider loving actions, and thus men in sexless marriages often lose faith in their marriage and trust in their wives.  As a result, they may begin to seriously question whether their wives love or value them at all.  Once his trust in her begins to diminish, so too will his respect for her begin to decline.⁽⁵⁾
   
5. Resentment & Irritability
   When a man feels deprived of sexual intimacy by the only person, he can be sexually intimate with, he will begin to feel trapped and frustrated.  Over time, this frustration can lead to anger and resentment towards his wife and his general demeanour might deteriorate into an almost perpetual state of irritability and listlessness.⁽⁶⁾
   
6. Mental Health Problems
   Many studies have shown that the development of depression and anxiety are common in men who have been in sexually unsatisfying marriages for an extended period.  These problems obviously contribute to much lower marital satisfaction which inevitably further compounds any existing depression or anxiety.⁽⁷⁾
   
7. Physical Health Problems
   A lack of sexual activity in marriage has been linked to a multitude of physical health problems, particularly in older men.  These include digestion problems, increased risk of cancer, coronary heart disease, stroke, lower self-rated health and a weakened immune system.  The perpetual stress, frustration and feelings of isolation that a sexless marriage inflicts on a man has significant and measurable effects on his long-term physical health outcomes.⁽⁸⁾
   
8. Learned Helplessness
   If a man starts to believe he has no control over his circumstances and no ability to escape his situation he may enter a depressive psychological state known as learned helplessness.⁽⁹⁾ This is a state that develops due to repeated exposure to negative situations in which he feels he has no control over the outcome.  Eventually he will stop trying to change the situation even when opportunities for change become apparent.  It is a state of complete hopelessness and defeat, which can trigger a cascade of further psychological disturbances such as lack of motivation, passivity, negativity and reduced capacity to face challenges.
   
9. Emotional Withdrawal / Dissociation
   If learned helplessness has been established then a natural coping mechanism will be emotional withdrawal and perhaps even dissociation.  Dissociations is a state in which individuals feel detached from their thoughts, feelings and sometimes even physical sensations.  If a man’s reality is too painful to tolerate, he will essentially ‘check out’.  A dissociated or withdrawn husband will probably carry out his duties and meet his responsibilities, but he will do so without being present or fully engaged on an emotional or spiritual level.  He will likely appear distant, disinterested and unemotional.⁽¹⁾
   
10. Addiction
    As Johann Hari succinctly put it, “Addiction is the opposite of connection.”  He argues that addiction isn’t primarily about the pleasurable effects of the substances, but rather about an inability to connect with others.⁽¹⁰⁾  In other words, addiction might be a way to cope with a lack of meaningful connection.  I’ve heard this from so many men in sexless marriages.  That they feel like their only escape from the pain or monotony of their existence is to seek solace in their addictions whether it’s alcohol⁽¹¹⁾, drugs⁽¹²⁾, gambling, work, gaming or porn.  It’s a desperate attempt to find pleasure where genuine connection is absent.

Sex IS A Valid Emotional Need For Men

I understand that’s a difficult list to digest and you might even struggle to believe that problems of this severity can be attributed to a lack of sex. Men’s needs aren’t exactly something that our culture is keen to acknowledge, let alone discuss openly and empathically.

But the research on the consequences of a sexless marriage is clear and conclusive.  If you want to read the studies yourself then they’re all referenced on my blog, which I’ve linked to in the description. If you need more evidence then just ask your husband, who is after all, the greatest authority on what his authentic emotional needs are. I’m sure it would mean a lot to him for you to even approach the subject with interest and an open heart.

A common misconception women have about men’s sexual desire is that it’s nothing more than a biological urge for release.  And thus, it wouldn’t be too unreasonable to insist men take care of themselves when the need arises.  What’s the big deal, right?

Well, a loving husband’s need for sexual connection with his wife is as valid as her need to feel seen, appreciated and valued.  Just swap the word ‘sex’ for ‘human connection’ and it might all begin to make more sense.  So too will the very real and severe consequences of its absence.

Sex, whether women want to believe it or not, is at the heart of a mans life force. Take the sex, destroy the man and diminish his glorious masculine energy. End of story.

Sexual Withholding in Marriage

Now, there are obviously many valid reasons a sexually healthy and able wife might choose to withdraw sexually in the long term from a particular type of husband.  Abusive, coercive, disloyal, disinterested men. Entitled husbands who expect their wives to satisfy them sexually whilst refusing to engage in any other form of intimacy or emotional connection.

But again, those aren’t the men I’m talking about in this article.  I’m talking about the good men whose wives have simply decided over time, that sex was no longer going to be a feature in their marriage. Not due to any extenuating physical or emotional circumstances. Just because they no longer feel spontaneous desire like they used to.

In many cases there’s not even a discussion, just an unspoken declaration: Don’t mention it, don’t complain about it, don’t neglect her needs and don’t even think about looking elsewhere. Rock, meet hard place.

And this isn’t as fringe a demographic as you might think.  I see this dynamic play out all the time, both in my practise and in my first-hand observations of many couples I know personally.

Good, honest, devoted husbands, attentive fathers, hardworking, sensitive and generous men who are abandoned on the side-lines of their marriages to quite literally wither and die over decades of misery, frustration and despair.

I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again: It is not fair to demand monogamy and withhold sex from a good man without good reason.  The punishment must fit the crime, and in the case of sexual withholding, the crime must be severe.

No healthy man would sign up for a marriage if he thought at some point, it would mean no sex, or for that matter sporadic or apathetic sex with a side helping of resentment.  Monogamy, after all, means sex with one, not sex with none. Furthermore, it means engaged, loving, tender and enjoyable sex with that chosen one. And that means for the duration of the relationship.

When sex dies, so too does the marriage, and to a greater or lesser degrees, so does the man.  He might not leave and he might not even complain, but to him the marriage he signed up for no longer exists. The potentially endlessly hardworking, loving, attentive and generous man turns off, zones out and gives up.

Resurrecting Sex in Marriage

Over time a wall is built between these couples.  He adds a brick every time she says no.  She adds a couple more when the date nights become less frequent, then 5 more because he’s irritable. He adds an entire row because now it’s been six months.  Eventually they can’t even see each other anymore. A co-created hell scape of misery, disconnect and mistrust has been erected.

It’s up to both of you to dismantle this wall of course. But when a wife takes the initiative to resurrect the sexual connection in her marriage, in whatever new form that takes, she can kick an enormous section down literally overnight.  And you can bet he’ll be just as keen to dismantle the rest once he ‘s reassured that the woman he married is back in his life.

I know that’s easier said than done, especially if you haven’t had any sexual contact in a long time. Re-learning to be vulnerable in this way can be extremely difficult for many women, so it might take some courage and will take some time.

As a first step, just commit to starting a conversation. Tell your husband you’ve come understand how important a sexual connection with you is, that you see how a lack of sexual connection has hurt him, and that you’re going to make an effort to change.

If you find discussing the topic stressful then let him know it’s difficult for you. Ask for patience and understanding so that you can move at a pace that’s realistic and reasonable, but assure him that you’re willing to do the work with his support. A good husband will gladly do his own work alongside you to make the process feel safe, loving and above all else, mutually fulfilling.

What is often needed is a total mindset change. A shift away from resisting sexuality and a move towards embracing it. This is much easier once we understand that sex is a profoundly healthy and important aspect of our lives, something that improves our wellbeing, and therefore something we need to become positive about and work towards.

If you are not in this place then YOU do have work to do but let me assure you from personal experience it absolutely will be worth the effort.

You might have to deal with unresolved trauma or your relationship with your own sexuality. You might have to examine your relationship with men if your feelings about them are less than healthy. You might have to work out how to approach sex positively in the absence of youthful, spontaneous desire. You might have to redefine what sex looks like if you’ve been through menopause, or some other life event that has shut down your sexuality. You might have to rearrange your life in some way so that your turns offs are minimised and your turn ons are nurtured.

Wanting The Best for Our Husbands

I don’t know about you ladies but I want my husband to thrive. I want him to be firing on all cylinders. I like it when he’s upbeat, flirty, singing, cracking jokes and getting shit done. I love it when he looks healthy and potent and strong.

I worked out some time ago that in order for this to be the case, I needed to take the very best of care of him that I can, and that means being available for sex, and plenty of it. It means sex that I am fully into and sincerely willing to engage in. Enjoyable, satisfying and genuine.

We are still very much in the middle of our sexual journey together and I can happily tell you it’s still an ongoing adventure. We continue to learn more about ourselves and each other in this way every day. Sex for us has been incredibly healing and transformative, and I don’t like to think of how flat and fraught with tension our married life might have become without it.

As a side note, I find myself asking what kind of impact on the world does it have when so many men are starving sexually? God only knows. One thing I do know, is that I don’t want to personally contribute to this widespread epidemic of poor health and misery in our men.

So, take a leap of faith ladies, if you’re married to a good man then make a concerted effort to show him he is loved and valued in the exact way he needs to feel loved and valued. Become a sexually generous wife. I promise you won’t regret it.

There’ll be more emotional connection, more playfulness, more dates, more laughter, more health and much, much less conflict and frustration for either of you in no time.

Selected Book Recommendations for This Topic:

References:

⁽¹⁾ Life without sex: Large-scale study links sexlessness to physical, cognitive, and personality traits, socioecological factors, and DNA Abdel Abdellaoui,  View ORCID ProfileLaura W. Wesseldijk,  View ORCID ProfileScott D. Gordon, Joëlle A. Pasman, Dirk J.A. Smit, Renáta Androvičová, Nicholas G. Martin, Fredrik Ullén, Miriam A. Mosing, Brendan P. Zietsch, Karin J.H. Verweij (2024)

⁽²⁾ The Performance of Desire: Gender and Sexual Negotiation in Long-Term Marriages  Sinikka Elliott , Debra Umberson (2011)

⁽³⁾ Self-Esteem and Sexual Experiences Elisa Christopher J. Hopwood, Jaap J. A. Denissen, and Wiebke Bleidorn (2024)

⁽⁴⁾ The effects of sexual shame, emotion regulation and gender on sexual desire  K W Sævik , C Konijnenberg (2023)

⁽⁵⁾ When to Walk Away From a Sexless Marriage  Brette Sember, JD (2024)

⁽⁶⁾ Relationships among sexual satisfaction, marital quality, and marital instability at midlife  Hsiu-Chen Yeh , Frederick O Lorenz, K A S Wickrama, Rand D Conger, Glen H Elder Jr (2006)

⁽⁷⁾ Connection Between Depression, Sexual Frequency, and All-cause Mortality Srikanta Banerjee, Peter Anderson, and W. Sumner Davis (2024)

⁽⁸⁾ Declines in Sexual Activity and Function Predict Incident Health Problems in Older Adults  Sarah E. Jackson, Lin Yang, Ai Koyanagi, Brendon Stubbs, Nicola Veronese & Lee Smith (2020)

⁽⁹⁾ Learned Helplessness: Seligman’s Theory of Depression  Courtney E. Ackerman, MA. (2024)

⁽¹⁰⁾ The Opposite of Addiction is Connection  Robert Weiss Ph.D., LCSW, CSAT (2015)

⁽¹¹⁾ Alcohol Misuse, Marital Functioning and Marital Instability Jessica A Kulak, Sarah Cercone Heavey, Leah F Marsack, Kenneth E Leonard (2025)

⁽¹²⁾ Illicit Drug Use and Marital Satisfaction  Gregory G Homish, Kenneth E Leonard, Jack R Cornelius (2009)