Is Sex a Marital Duty?

Exploring The Morality of Sexual obligation

Firstly, a disclaimer: every sexual encounter in your marriage should always involve the willing consent of both partners.  And every sexual act should be performed by choice, as an act of love and never, ever due to coercion, pressure or fear.  That’s not the kind of marriage or circumstances I’m talking about.

Secondly, this article is deliberately ungendered because I have several female clients and many female followers who are suffering in sexless marriages, and to exclude them from this particular discussion would be unfair. So, accordingly I made a vow to include them in this one and thus, I feel it’s my duty to follow through.

OK, so in this article we’re going to tackle the age old question:

Is sex a marital duty?

First, I think it might be appropriate to define the word, Duty.

According to Oxford Languages the definition is this:

duty
noun
1. a moral or legal obligation; a responsibility.
2. a task or action that one is required to perform as part of one’s job.

Oxford Languages expands on its definition as such:

A duty is something you are expected or required to do, whether by moral principles or legal regulations. Fulfilling one’s duties is generally considered responsible behaviour and neglecting one’s duties can have negative consequences.

So, according to this definition you might say an employee has a duty to their employer to turn up to work on time.  It’s not a legal requirement of course, so no one can force compliance.  But the employer, who also has their own set of obligations towards the employee, can justifiably terminate employment if an employee routinely fails to turn up on time.

It’s generally understood and accepted that an employee and an employer have agreed upon a contract, and that for the contract to remain active, both parties must adhere to its terms. Those terms do not need to be enforced, as they’re generally adhered to by both parties for the sake of the contracts integrity and for the good of the relationship.

All good so far?

Now, let’s carry this premise into one of the more controversial realms of the marital landscape, shall we?

Sex & Marriage Vows

When I married my husband, in a secular ceremony, we both stood facing each other, holding hands, looking into each other’s eyes whilst emphatically declaring words to this effect:

“I promise to give you my love and friendship, to be there for you when you need me the most, to laugh with you, to cry with you, and to confide in you. To trust you, to comfort you, and to support you. All that I have I share with you. I promise to respect you and be faithful to you always. These promises I make for the rest of my life”

Even in a secular marriage, we’re not messing around with the strength of intention are we?!

Alternatively, in a Church of England wedding a couple will stand at the altar, witnessed by their family and friends as they make declarations to love, comfort, honour and protect each other, forsaking all others and to be faithful as long as they both shall live.

They take each other, to have and to hold from this day forward; for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do they part. They vow to each other “With my body I honour you, all that I am I give to you, and all that I have I share with you.” In the presence of Almighty God, they make these vows.

Again, serious stuff.

And these vows; these solemn promises are in essence, a lifelong moral contract, the terms of which, like any other contract, both parties are expected to uphold in order for the contract to stand.

Now, you can debate the minutia and nuances of what these vows actually mean on a subjective or theological level of course. But surely we must all agree, the central tenets are as follows: “I promise to love you, faithfully, with everything I have, forever. No matter what.“

So, “what does all this have to do with sex?” you might ask. The word ‘sex’ doesn’t even make an appearance in any of those vows does it? You could argue it’s strongly implied in the Christian vows, but the secular promises are more widely open to interpretation. But here’s a well established fact, which I humbly suggest you consider: Some people need a sexual connection with their partner to feel truly loved by them.

A Sense of Duty Comes From Within

So instead of viewing the spirit of duty as coming from an external pressure, or a dark, oppressive force. Just for a moment, let’s think of duty as a form of personal conviction; a loving force or spiritual compulsion. Because I would argue that the absence of this spirit of generosity is a signal that something fundamental has been lost, somewhere along the way.

If your spouse is upholding the marital vows they made to you, and they tell you that they need a sexual connection with you in order to feel loved, yet you feel no sense of duty to extend yourself to meet them there, then something needs attention. To love someone who desires a sexual connection requires that a sexual connection be made available to them. Made available. Willingly. From a place of love and compassion. There’s no dark force at play in this dynamic. No oppression in sight. This is just good, old fashioned love and reciprocity in action. A sense of duty comes from within.  It’s not something that can be forced upon you or faked by you.  It’s an authentic feeling.  A compulsion to act a certain way.

To love someone fully, inherently, includes or should include, feeling a sense of duty towards them.

Ultimately, the question of whether or not sex should be considered a marital duty is subject to too many circumstantial variables to answer universally. But a more pertinent reframing of the question remains: If sex doesn’t feel like a marital duty, then why not?  What’s going on?  Why don’t you feel compelled to give your spouse something which you know is important to them?

Are they in some way, no longer the person you married? Have they let themselves go physically to the extent that you’re no longer attracted to them? Are they failing to meet some of your important needs? Needs that you’ve been clear about. Has the emotional connection between you diminished over time? If so, then how? And why?

Or, is it something to do with you? Have you failed to address something in your own childhood? Have you given up on your own physical health? Have you given into the darker aspects of your own psychology and have become overrun with feelings of negativity or fear. You will ultimately find profound salvation in the answers to these questions, but ask them you must.

Sex is Important

Because, contrary to popular belief, sex is not a biproduct of a successful marriage. It’s a necessary component of one, and it must be treated as such. Anyone who worked that out and is enjoying the fruits of this wisdom would tell you that. Sex, after all, most likely played a major part in facilitating your bonding in the first place, and its absence is all too often the very thing that drives otherwise loving marriages into the ground.

If you want your marriage to work, then it will require that certain ingredients are present, and usually, sex is one of them.

And to be clear, I’m NOT talking about what’s commonly referred to as duty sex. Unwilling, unwanted, let’s get this over with kind of sex.  Nobody wants that. What I’m discussing here is the notion of cultivating a willing desire, born of love, to keep the sexual connection between the two of you alive for the sake of your marriage.

Here’s how I view this in my own marriage.

My husband is a good man.  He loves me, he cherishes me and he’s faithful to me.  He routinely extends himself to meet my needs.  I feel safe with him, I feel seen by him, and I feel cared for by him.  He is fulfilling his marital vows as best he can, and therefore as far as I see it, the moral contract we made all those years ago still stands.

So in the spirit of generosity and reciprocity, I feel compelled to love him back in the precise way he needs to be loved. I have a duty of care towards my husband and his needs, and that includes a personal obligation to keep the sexual connection with him alive.

I don’t know why the word ‘duty’ has so many negative connotations when it comes to marriage. To me it’s a word that’s synonymous with honour, integrity, generosity and kindness of spirit. To me, it’s crystal clear there’s wisdom in performing ones duties for the common good. Moreover to carry out those duties well and with grace and goodwill.

Accountability in Marriage

In my work with couples, what I often see at the beginning, before we all set to work, is a propensity for one or both partners to withdraw or raise hell, rather than a willingness to lean in and provide love. If our marriages are like houses, too many people seem hell bent on watching them burn to the ground, hose in hand, whilst proclaiming it’s not their job to douse the flames, because why should they have to.

No one will give an inch, neither party is willing to extend themselves, and it’s always justified, always the other spouses fault. Like squabbling, self-seeking children, they endlessly defend their positions, justifying why they shouldn’t have to show care. Seemingly ambivalent and unmoved by the devastation unfolding before them.

Sometimes I think we have forgotten the basic principles of maturity. I wonder, have we more or less forgotten how to love?

So, remember, you CHOSE your spouse. Above all others. You made promises to each other. They have one life to live and they chose to spend it with you. The way you treat each other today matters because the life you share will be over all too soon. One of you will be the first to go and that life will be over. The jobs, the cars, the money, the house extensions, and all your petty squabbles will mean nothing.

In the final analysis, all that counts will be the legacy and quality of the relationship you had the courage and moral fibre to create. That’s a burden one must take seriously, and so to that aim, I would urge you to allow yourself to feel obligated to give them the best of yourself that you possibly can.

That, after all, IS your duty.