Sex in The Honeymoon Phase
Sex is rarely a problem for couples in the throws of early relationship euphoria. The heady, lust filled giddiness of the honeymoon phase. You’re both convinced that you finally met your soul mate, the perfect partner. You were surely destined to be together. Neither of you can find fault in the other and you can’t bear to be apart for even a second. Sex is plentiful, playful and spontaneous.
And then, as time passes and life tires you; novelty morphs into familiarity, passion makes way for responsibility and neither of you feel like such a high priority, or for that matter such a gift to the other anymore.
The honeymoon is over, and all too commonly, so is the sex.
But what if one partner hasn’t consented to this new low sex or sexless situation. What if it’s in fact making them desperately unhappy? What then? To the higher desire partner, this decline in sexual frequency or the absence of it can be nothing short of devastating. And I don’t say that lightly.
Consequences of a Sexless Relationship
Sex is, to those who hunger for it, a critically important and valid emotional need. It is a central way in which they feel able to express and receive love. It makes them feel bonded and secure in their relationships. It helps relieve stress and anxiety, it makes them feel happier, more confident and more fulfilled.
On a physical level we know that sex boosts immunity, lowers blood pressure, reduces the risk of heart disease and stroke, improves cognitive function and facilitates better sleep.(1)
Sex increases intimacy, connection and trust between partners.
So when sex is missing or sparse, the suffering partner can experience severe feelings of loneliness, disconnection and low self-esteem. It can lead to depression, feelings of shame, emotional withdrawal, irritability and decreased relationship satisfaction.(3) Some evidence even suggests that a lack of sexual activity may predict early death.(2)
So this is no trivial matter and sadly, the absence of sex is also all too often the death knell of what otherwise could have been a loving and life long union. So why then, if sex is so evidently important and crucial to a persons wellbeing, do so many partners withdraw and refuse to engage?
The Low Desire Partner
Here’s a couple of paraphrased quotes from people I have personally encountered that illustrate some of the less than healthy feelings on the subject.
“Typical men, all they think about is sex. He’s got a hand, hasn’t he?”
“Why should I have to do something that I simply don’t want to do?”
“I just don’t ever feel like it to be honest. If I never had sex again, I’d be okay with that.”
In my mind, it is not fair to demand monogamy and withhold sex without good reason, so these kinds of statements signal major problems within these relationships, and perhaps for the individuals making the statements, that go far beyond sex.
The reasons an individual might hold these beliefs or feel these things will obviously be complex. Maybe they are unaware how harmful inflicting a sexless relationship on their partner is. Perhaps they simply haven’t given sex much thought and they don’t understand the benefits of a healthy sex life either for themselves or for their long-term, committed relationships. Or maybe they are resentful towards their partners and are withholding sex as punishment, or perhaps they simply prioritise their own wants and needs above their partners.
There will obviously be countless, nuanced other reasons but whatever those are, some serious work needs to be put in to explore and address the underlying cause if one partner is experiencing distress. But that’s for another post.
Maintenance Sex – Closing The Gap
For the purposes of this discussion let’s assume you’re reading because you love your partner and for whatever reason sex has been on the back burner for a while and you’d like that to change. Maybe you could happily do without it, but for the good of your relationship, you’d like to make more of an effort to close the gap and improve the overall level of intimacy between you both.
To you I say, well done for having the courage to confront such a challenging situation and for your willingness to address it. This spirit of generosity is the stuff of successful relationships. This is where maintenance sex can facilitate, if practised for the right reasons and with due care, a major and positive transformation in your relationship.
So, what exactly is maintenance sex?
Maintenance sex is the concept of having sex with a long-term, monogamous partner who you love, in order to strengthen the relationship and improve intimacy – even when you might not be in the mood for it yourself. It is something you are willing to do for the health of the relationship, to feel connected with and to care for your partner and it is a mutual decision made by both of you.
It is an effective and hopefully temporary strategy for a couple to manage discrepancies in sexual desire which are perfectly natural and normal. It is a way to prioritise your partner and the relationship. It facilitates bonding, fosters intimacy and encourages open conversation. It should be enjoyable for both partners.
But, before you agree to engage in this kind of sex it would be a good time to check in with yourself to ensure your motivations do in fact come from a healthy place. So for the sake of clarity, there are two types of maintenance sex:
One is Avoidance-Oriented Maintenance Sex (4) This is where a sense of obligation is present, maybe due to coercion, pressure or fear of negative consequences.
For example, “I don’t want to, but I feel that I have to.” Or “I am afraid to say no.”
This is not a healthy reason to engage in undesired sex with anyone and it is not the kind of maintenance sex I’m talking about in this discussion. I don’t mean if they’re somewhat withdrawn, low or irritable because they haven’t had sex in a long time. That’s understandable, I’m sure you’ll agree. I’m talking about situations in which you are genuinely afraid of negative repercussions if you refuse to be intimate. That’s something you should take seriously and consider getting some support for, but again, it’s outside the scope of today’s post.
What I’m describing here is Approach-Oriented Maintenance Sex (4, 5) This is fully consensual, willingly given and is motivated by a sense of love, care and generosity.
For example, “I could take it or leave it, but I want to express my love to this person. They are important to me, and sex is important to them, so I want to engage with them this way to ensure that they feel loved.”
In order for maintenance sex to work, there should be a general sense of goodwill and care present in your day to day lives.
Successful maintenance sex should not be regrettable sex. Although sex might not be something you would actively pursue yourself at the moment, it requires that both partners are present in the moment, engaged and that your focus should be bonding and intimacy.
Maintenance sex can often serve as a conduit to a more relaxed and adventurous sex life in the long run. Not everyone experiences spontaneous desire, but willingness and positivity will more likely lead to enjoyment which might just help you to remember that you actually rather enjoy sex once you get going.
Scheduling Sex
This might sound unglamorous, but it’s probably going to be essential for a while at least that you schedule these encounters, otherwise they’re unlikely to happen at all.
The timing and frequency isn’t something I can advise you on specifically, so discuss this openly with your partner. How much sex would they need, for now, to feel that things are at least moving in the right direction? It might help to come up with a specific number of times per week. Then you can honestly ask yourself, am I comfortable to meet them there? If not, what number could you work with? Is there a number that you can both agree to, a number that you would actually commit to?
Try to remember this whole process is about extending yourself for your partner and for the good of the relationship, so try to be as generous as you feel you are able. It’s worth pointing out that sex is not the only need that requires effort and self-sacrifice on the part of the less than keen partner within a relationship.
My husband for example, doesn’t always relish the idea of deep conversations, whereas there is literally nothing I like more. He’s an active, practical man and he’d rather get up and get going in the morning and get on with the tasks of the day. He knows however that I like at least half an hour to sit and chat about whatever’s on my mind, so he sits opposite me every morning, and gives me his full attention. He doesn’t act like he’d rather not be there; he’s happily extending himself for me and the good of our relationship. It is also worth saying this way of connecting has been extremely good for him over the years too.
Maintenance sex shouldn’t be any different. No-body with an ounce of self-respect wants to have sex with someone who has checked out or appears indifferent. This is, above all, about connection and intimacy so be present and engaged.
You could start by picking set times during the week where you agree to make time to lie together and allow the experience to naturally unfold. This will allow you to prepare psychologically during the day and get yourself into a positive mindset. If it’s been a long time, then you are likely to feel awkward and that’s perfectly ok. This will pass, so be kind to yourself. The goal initially isn’t mind-blowing sex, it’s simply to re-establish a level of physical intimacy and sexual connection.
Once sex becomes a regular feature of your daily lives, you will probably begin to look forward to your encounters and eventually the structure and schedule won’t be necessary. In time, you will begin to feel more comfortable together and the focus will become more about pleasure.
Ongoing open communication where you are both able to discuss how you feel it’s going will be crucial to the process’s success. As your rendezvous begin to feel more natural try to remain open to renegotiation. For example you might feel ok with changing a set time to a ‘yes’ day where you agree to be open to your partner initiating sex at any point during a given day. Whatever works for the both of you as long as you’re both happy things are moving forward.
Remember the goal isn’t to remain locked into a structured routine indefinitely. We’re trying to move towards something you both probably had in the early days of your relationship. Plentiful, playful and spontaneous sex that is enjoyable and fulfilling for both of you.
Sexual Generosity & Devotion
Our souls ache for connections because we are fundamentally social beings. We can’t be whole or experience true wellbeing if we can’t make the kinds of connections that we long for deep within. It’s impossible to make sense of ourselves, or truly accept who we are without forming intimate bonds with those around us. When we make bids to connect and these bids are rejected or dismissed, our health and wellbeing inevitably deteriorate. Loneliness and isolation are no joke. To be with someone and not be able to be close in the way we need to be close is to suffer. Often horribly.
To truly devote ourselves to another is to devote ourselves to meeting certain needs that they cannot meet themselves. Love is action after all.
Sex is a profound way of being close to our partner and developing and maintaining a secure attachment with them. It is way of feeling held and loved, of being accepted by, and moving with another human being. When someone chooses to have sex with us often, they are communicating a deep willingness to connect and to remain truly close.
This feeling of being important to someone, of being wanted, welcome and accepted is obviously good for us. I have no doubt it leads to profound feelings of value for the individual. A feeling of belonging somewhere, with someone, in a vast and confusing world with ever shifting tides.
Thanks for reading, I’ll see you next week.
In the meantime, to yourself and to others, Tell the Truth.
References:
1. Healthy Effects of Sex The Journal of Sexual Medicine, Volume 20, Issue Supplement_1, May 2023, qdad060.431, https://doi.org/10.1093/jsxmed/qdad060.431
2. Declines in Sexual Activity and Function Predict Incident Health Problems in Older Adults https://www.news-medical.net/news/20190902/Lack-of-sexual-activity-in-older-adults-linked-to-health-problems.aspx
3. Connection Between Depression, Sexual Frequency, and All-cause Mortality: Findings from a Nationally Representative Study https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/26318318241256455
4. Getting it on versus getting it over with: Sexual motivation, desire, and satisfaction in intimate bonds. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 39(10), 1320–1332. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167213490963
5. Maintaining sexual desire in intimate relationships: the importance of approach goals https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/18444740/
