Are Women High Maintenance?
I received a comment on my YouTube channel a few days ago in response to a video about unmet needs that cause men to withdraw from their wives. It read:
“Hey guys. You want unconditional love, respect, and devotion? Get a dog.”
And that got me thinking. I mean he’s clearly not wrong, is he?
Dog’s needs are relatively easy to meet. They need food, exercise, affection and mental stimulation. And in return for those basic needs being met they will greet you warmly every day and reliably treat you as if you’re a God among men.
They won’t test you and they won’t withdraw affection if you short-change them on a couple of walks. They won’t complain too much if you miss a feed. You’d have to neglect a dog pretty seriously for it not to worship the ground you walk on.
That’s a pretty good cost-benefit ratio.
But, they won’t hold you when you’re suffering, or help you understand your feelings. They won’t encourage you in your endeavours or celebrate your achievements. They won’t meet your complex emotional and physical human needs. They won’t teach you things about yourself that you would never have worked out alone. They won’t bear your children and love them into adulthood and beyond. They won’t organise Christmas dinner with the Grandchildren, and they won’t hold your hand or help you to bed when you are old and frail.
But you know who will right? A well-loved wife.
But what exactly makes a wife feel well loved? What makes her feel seen, valued, appreciated and fulfilled by her husband? Or maybe, for the purposes of this discussion, the more important question is, what qualities would such a husband seek to develop if he wants his wife to feel this way over the long term?
I’ve arranged what I consider to be a wife’s most important needs over the course of a marriage into three distinct levels.
Her Fundamental Relationship Needs, Her Emotional Alignment Needs and Her Need to Flourish
The examples here are illustrated using a fantasy couple although couple like this do exist. Your wife’s’ individual needs may vary from what I’m describing here of course, so it’s not to be taken too literally.
The point is, if you’re married to a good woman and you’re interested in becoming an exceptional husband to her, then hopefully some of these examples will inspire you to aim upwards in a few of these areas or at least spark a meaningful conversation between the two of you.
Level 1: Her Fundamental Relationship Needs
Her basic need for security and contentment, particularly in the early days of marriage will require that her husband aims to be:
- Committed
He has vowed to stay with her and be true to her, he means it and he demonstrates it. - Affectionate
He is warm and generous in showing love in the way she needs to receive it. - Honest
He doesn’t lie, withhold the truth or make her doubt her reality. - Fun
He doesn’t take everything too seriously; he is generally good humoured and can make her laugh. - Principled
He means what he says and does what he means in alignment with his moral values. - Capable
He is intelligent enough and strong enough to handle life’s challenges. - Productive
He works hard to meet his half of the burden of responsibility and reach their shared goals. - Healthy
He takes care of his body and mind.
These qualities reassure her that he’s on the same team, he’s not going to leave her or betray her. He’s reliable and trustworthy and he’s in good enough physical shape to live a long life alongside her.
These traits were undoubtedly enough during the initial honeymoon phase of their relationship. But the needs she had when they first met are unlikely to be the same as those she has 20 years into their marriage.
The man she wanted by her side at her graduation won’t be the same man she needs with her when their second child falls ill.
This is where a level of ongoing emotional alignment between them will ensure they are able to change and grow together, rather than grow apart over the course of their shared lives.
Level 2: Her Emotional Alignment Needs
Her need for love, emotional connection, joy and togetherness will require that an exceptional husband aims to be:
- Mature
He is reliable, dependable and stable in the face of challenges or difficulties. - Present
He is able, when necessary, to be with her fully in the moment, in mind, body and spirit. - Emotionally Intelligent
He is comfortable and familiar with his own internal landscape and is in tune with hers. He can speak to her in this language. - Appreciative
He values her qualities, and he communicates this to her often. - Friendly
He sees her as his number one companion in life and treats her accordingly. - Attentive
He anticipates her needs and is generously responsive to them. - Empathetic
He’s in tune with her feelings and is moved to respond to them in a way that helps her understand she is seen and therefore loved.
I’d say that a man who for the most part at least tries to treat his wife in this way is a bloody great husband. He is truly available and responsive; he wants her to be happy and emotionally fulfilled and he does what he can to tend to her emotional needs. She is a major priority in his life. She’ll feel like she’s hit the jackpot. Her nervous system will be well regulated. Her self-esteem and sense of belonging will be a driving force in her life. They will be regarded by others as a solid, dignified and admirable couple.
He’s probably getting a lot of sex too.
So, what more is there? If he already loves his wife this deeply, what else can he possibly do to propel them into the next level?
Level 3: Her Need to Flourish
If a wife’s level 1 and 2 needs are being sufficiently met, then she’ll feel unburdened by stress, emotional hunger and frustration and will therefore be free to grow and express her deepest potential. Something that surely an exceptional husband would want.
To facilitate this exploration of possibility an exceptional husband can support her by being:
- Interested
He pays her close attention. He has worked out that there is much to enjoy and much to be won by deepening his understanding of her. - Understanding
He understands that she is different to him because she is a woman, not a man, and this is something he enjoys and celebrates. - Supportive
He creates space for her to self-actualise. He wants this for her. Her self-development in alignment with her values is as important to him as his own. - Reassuring
When she falters or doubts herself he is there to support her with strength and certainty. - Encouraging
He communicates his appreciation of her beauty and her growth. He wants her to do well and helps create space to facilitate this. - Fearless
He isn’t rocked by her ups and downs or tidal rhythms, but rather fascinated and enchanted by her nuances and complexities. - Patient
He makes allowances for her pace and rhythm as he understands she has her own and that it’s important that she does not too often feel pushed or pressured. - Guiding
He pays close attention to her and shows interest and possibly offers a strong word when he thinks she is struggling to take the best care of herself that she can. He encourages her to fulfil her potential and does not wish to see her waste her talents. He is interested in her life’s journey and does what he can to support and encourage her growth and development.
A man aiming to offer these things to his wife as best he can is an exceptional husband. A true hero. Steady, sane, strong and true. He’s whole, he knows who he is, he’s doing his own work, and he knows he plays many a vital role for his woman. He anchors his wife in the storm that is life, and she feels to the depths of her being truly loved, guided and supported. She is free to become everything that her soul urges her to be.
An Exceptional Husband
So what level are you aiming for? Are you striving to offer her the world or might you be guilty of knowingly giving her less than you could?
If you’re currently at level one, then well done for providing the basics. I mean that, it’s an honourable achievement to provide that level of security and stability. But maybe you have some work to do emotionally. Could you become more emotionally intelligent? Have you developed yourself sufficiently in this way? Would making some improvements in this arena not be good for both you and your wife?
If level two is where you feel you reside, then well done to you too. You’ve managed to achieve something that most never do. You understand yourself and others emotionally which means you’re more available and more mature. But are you stalling there and missing some major life enhancements?
Are you living the life you dreamed of for yourself? Does your life have meaning and purpose? Do you have time to enjoy the life you have created? Are you at peace and in love with life? A man asking these questions and doing this work would surely better understand the need his wife has for the same.
In taking the very best of care of each other that we can, we increase the chances that we will each achieve true relationship fulfilment.
This is obviously not possible if you are bitter and resentful. If you come at the whole thing with a negative attitude. If you believe that all women are hard work, a pain in the arse and not worth it. If you think that relationships should be easy, or that the complexities people have aren’t worth your time, care or attention.
You reap, as they say, exactly what you sow.
Yes, women most certainly are complex, but so are men. A good woman understands this and will meet him where he needs to be met.
An exceptional husband loves his woman for her complexities, and he is interested in supporting her to become all that she can be. Not in doing her work for her, as he understands that much of the battle is hers to win. What he does do however, is care that she is heading in the right direction and he’ll speak up if he feels she isn’t. He knows her because he has cared to know her, and he knows her plight. He knows what she aches for, what she needs to get right to make sense of her life.
He makes space for her to do her own work, and he encourages her to have the courage to do it consistently. He has also ensured he has his own shit under control so that she can.
A woman with this kind of husband is in an elevated position. She has it all. She has the basics, and she’s supported emotionally. And finally, she has something that many men aren’t able or prepared to give, she has the unwavering support she needs to tend to her soul the way that she has worked out that she needs to. And in this way, she is free.
This kind of woman bestows her man with many gifts. She gives herself to him completely and he in turn wants for nothing. Together they create an ever upwards spiral towards greater sanity and mutual fulfilment. As with the interlocking twists in a rope, they each give strength to the other. She is healthy, whole, sane and wild. She loves passionately and her light and beauty are a tonic to those around her. She is free, she knows who she is, and she has gained insight and wisdom enough to be a powerful teacher to those that have the heart to hear.
But, yes, she is indeed more high maintenance than a Labrador.
Thanks for reading, I’ll see you next week.
In the meantime, to yourself and to others, Tell the Truth.
