Building a Healthy Marriage
A life lived in a healthy, functional marriage is significantly better for us than a life lived alone.
Happily married individuals experience better health and longevity, higher levels of happiness, increased self-actualisation and life satisfaction and have more fulfilling sex lives than their single or cohabiting counterparts. Strong marriages are good for both men and women, their children and for society as a whole. These are measurable facts.
But as with physical strength and fitness, building and maintaining a strong marriage requires continuous effort and dedication. It requires that each spouse not only routinely extends themselves for the other but that they’re also capable and willing to be, with love, each other’s best critic. This process inevitably requires a level of confrontation, and confrontation of course, often leads to conflict.
So, in this article I’m going to make the case for marital conflict, why it is necessary, why it shouldn’t be avoided, how to handle it maturely and how it will improve your marriage. Some battles are worth fighting.
Last time I asked my YouTube subscribers what made them reluctant to confront their partners about their relationship problems. Here’s a few of the comments I received:
“My wife is very sensitive to anything that she may perceive to be critical of her. Also, the problems that we do discuss simply don’t get rectified, so it’s a lot of wasted energy and stress.”
“I panic and back down as soon as my husband shows any sign of being triggered or stone walling.”
“She is never wrong and if challenged, prepare for all-out war no matter how minor the issue is.”
“When I would ask him if we could talk about it later, or the next day, when that time came, he would say: “I’m not talking about it””
“If I tell my wife what’s on my mind (in the nicest way possible), or what I don’t like, she will use it as a weapon against me.”
Maybe you recognise some of these conflict avoidant behaviours in either your partner or yourself. In the following six steps, I’m going to help you learn to communicate your concerns clearly, how to tolerate both your partner’s response and your own discomfort to it, and how to keep the conversation open until you are satisfied it has been resolved.
Marriage is a lifelong commitment to share your life with another flawed human being. It’s a promise we make to our spouses that we will not give up on them. In sickness and in health, for better or worse, and until death do us part. So even when the shit hits the fan, as a committed husband or a wife, our job is to be there with our spouse, steadfast and determined to find a solution or to clear up the mess.
What we’re talking about here is dealing with the ‘worse’ aspect of our marriages. The difficulties, the frustrations, the despair and the confusion. Addictions, lack of sex, loss of trust, apathy, resentment, loneliness.
The point is that problems are not rare, and they affect every marriage to varying degrees. The key to solving these problems lies in our capacity to address them as a team. And that requires a fearless commitment to truth and open communication.
In a healthy marriage, each partner understands that the relationship needs to be discussed, and each person feels safe to bring their concerns to the other. In a healthy marriage no topic is off limits. Whether it’s time together, money, division of labour, sex or anything else; every area of your shared life should always be open for discussion. You both must be able to ask for what you need, listen with interest to what your partner needs and have tough conversations about difficult issues as often as needed.
It doesn’t matter if it’s you that’s conflict avoidant or if it’s your partner. If your marriage falls short of these simple benchmarks, then you have work to do.
So, let’s get started, shall we?
Here’s a few things to consider if your relationship is affected by the avoidance of conflict.
This doesn’t apply if you’re in a violent or abusive relationship, to you I say get professional help immediately.
How to Deal with Relationship Conflict
1. Introspection, Integrity & Self Esteem
Before wading into conflict with your spouse I’d first suggest taking a good look at your own recent behaviour for the sake of your personal integrity and self-esteem. You’ll find making complaints about something in your marriage far easier if you can hold your head up, knowing that for the most part, you’re doing a good enough job yourself.
For example, it might not be fruitful to complain to your wife about the lack of sex if you know you haven’t paid her any attention outside the bedroom for the last 6 months. Similarly, complaining to your husband that he is withdrawn when you can’t remember the last time you touched him might be a little unfair.
If you’re guilty of contempt, criticism, stonewalling, dishonesty, withholding or aggression then you should deal with, or get help with that immediately.
I’m not saying you need to be perfect to have a right to complain about anything. Far from it, none of us are perfect and yet we still have a right to be heard. What I am saying is that if you know you’re letting your spouse down in any significant areas, then working on those will have an immediate warming and stabilising effect on your marriage. This will not only have a positive effect on both of you, but raising concerns in future will feel less daunting. As I’ve said before, it only takes one spouse to change the entire tone of a marriage, so make whatever changes you can today and tomorrow will be just a little easier for both of you.
2. Challenge Your Own Avoidant Behaviour
If you are still reading, then presumably that’s because you tend to avoid or retaliate to confrontation in some way yourself. Maybe you become defensive or angry when your partner challenges you. Or perhaps you’re prone to avoiding relationship conflict altogether because you’d rather not have to deal with the drama. Maybe you’ve simply given up after years of trying to fix things to no avail.
Well there’s no easy way to say this; but a relationship that cannot be discussed is an fundamentally dysfunctional relationship. It doesn’t matter how moody, withdrawn or scornful she or he acts when confronted, if you’re avoiding dealing with your issues because of how your spouse might react then you are I’m afraid, part of the problem.
Again, this doesn’t apply if you have an abusive or violent spouse.
I’m talking about the sulkers, the one’s who punish by withholding affection, the ice queens who can summon the frost, the one’s that storm out of the room, the one’s that change the topic, talk over you, derail the discussion or ignore you completely. These can be dealt with as we’ll see next.
However, if any of those avoidant tactics sound like you, please go back to step number one before continuing and I’ll see you back here in a few weeks.
3. Preparation, Timing & Topic
Think about what you want to say ahead of time and try to keep it simple for now. If your marriage is a bit of a mess, you’re not going to be able to fix it all in one conversation and that’s ok. Start small for now, if necessary, this whole process will become easier over time with practise, and you’ll be able to deal with the bigger stuff in no time.
Once you’ve made the decision to discuss any issues with your partner, make sure you pick a time when the atmosphere is generally calm, and you won’t be interrupted if possible.
Remember as you go into this that you’re doing the right thing and that your intention is to restore sanity to your marriage. It doesn’t matter how many times you’ve raised this topic or how long it’s been since the last time you did so. If things aren’t improving, then it’s ok to bring it up again.
4. Communicate Clearly & Avoid Criticism
Communicating with your spouse about problems can be frightening if either of you have an avoidant attachment style, especially if you feel like nothing changes when you do eventually talk. Maybe you become overwhelmed by emotion, feel panicky, sweat and shake or feel desperate to run away. These feelings probably all served a purpose for you at some point in your life so try to be compassionate with yourself.
What you’re trying to do now is create a more sane and more secure marriage in spite of your fear, so congratulate yourself for having the courage to sit with your discomfort. Remember, this is exactly how you heal and grow, and with practise, the fear and anxiety will subside, and you will become an expert communicator.
Compose yourself, slow your breathing if you need to and tell your spouse that you’d like just a couple of minutes to say what’s on your mind without interruption.
You could start with something like this:
“I love you, but I feel our relationship is unhealthy. I’m unhappy and I know you’re unhappy too. I don’t want that for either of us. I’d like our marriage to feel more fulfilling for both of us so I think we’re going to have to get better at discussing our problems. I’m no longer going to avoid talking about our problems because I want this relationship to work. I promise that I’ll work on myself and the problems I bring as a priority. I’d like to start a new chapter with you and in order for us to do that I really think we’re going to have to talk about all the things that are standing in our way. One of the things I’d like to talk about today is…”
And then say whatever it is that you wanted to say.
Try to use “I” statements that centre on your own feelings rather than criticising your partner. For example, rather than:
“You’re always on your phone and you never spend time with me. It’s no wonder our marriage is falling apart.”
Try something like:
“I feel so lonely when you’re on your phone all evening because I’d really like to talk with you. I’d like for us to feel more connected.”
Essentially what we’re talking about here is softening your communication style to be less threatening, which will hopefully invite a less defensive and more constructive response.
5. Your Partners Response & Your Own Anxiety
Once you’ve said what you needed to say, you obviously have no control over how your partner will respond. What you can control however, or what you can certainly learn to control, is your reaction to their response.
If you’re partner has an avoidant attachment style they may respond by:
- Shutting down emotionally
- Minimising your feelings
- Becoming defensive
- Becoming passive-aggressive
- Refusing to talk
- Using one-word answers
- Avoiding eye contact
- Withdrawing physically
- Shifting blame back to you
- Showing black & white thinking (“It’s always me, never you, isn’t it?!”)
It might be helpful to remember that all these behaviours are learned and were probably valuable and effective during your spouse’s childhood. They are all rooted in a deep sense of fear and are an attempt to avoid pain and to protect oneself. So, try to have some empathy and understanding no matter how they react.
The key to coping with any kind of avoidant response is to practise developing emotional regulation yourself. In the face of defensiveness, anger, raised volume or silence, try to stay calm and self-soothe. Say to yourself “They are distressed, and I feel stressed.” Ask yourself “can I handle this?” This is actually a great opportunity for self-development, so try to stay with it.
Relax your shoulders.
Notice where the stress is in your body and calm your breathing.
Become willing to tolerate the unknown and to allow their response to be what it is.
If it helps, try to imagine yourself as a strong harbour wall around a stormy sea.
Avoid the temptation to react in a similar manner as this will only escalate the situation and make you feel even worse as well.
Remember, it’s far from easy but it won’t last forever and it’s ultimately better than avoidance. At least it’s authentic and authenticity is a fundamental requisite if you want a healthy marriage.
If you need to reassure your spouse or break the silence at any point it’s ok to say something like:
“I can see that you’re upset, but I promise what I’m trying to do here is move us through this difficult phase to a better place for both our sakes.”
It’s ok to point out disrespectful behaviour, unkind words or inaccurate statements. It’s ok to insist that the conversation stays on topic. Don’t allow their reaction to stop the discussion but remember it’s ok for either of you to take a break if you need to with a promise to return to the conversation once you’re both able.
The point is to stay calm, stay on topic and be kind.
6. Listening with Interest & Empathy
Your partner has every right to maturely respond to or argue against any points you have made. This is where you are going to need to work on your own avoidance issues if you have them.
The psychologist Carl Rogers coined the term ‘Active Listening’ which is a communication skill that involves paying close attention to what someone is saying, understanding their perspective, and responding appropriately. It is a very useful tool when it comes to marital conflict so here’s a very brief explanation of how it works.
- Be Present & Pay Attention
- Use Non-Threatening Body Language
- Maintain Eye Contact
- Don’t Interrupt
- Be Interested
- Ask Open Questions
- Reflect what You have Understood
If you can show your spouse that you’re interested in what they say and how they feel, even if you don’t necessarily agree, you’ll demonstrate that conflict resolution with you doesn’t need to feel difficult. The next time you ask to talk, they might just be a tiny bit closer to being able to say, “Yes, of course, how about now, what’s on your mind?”
OK so hopefully you’ve got some ideas to get you started and help you on your way. I encourage you to take the leap into the conflict arena once again. Hopefully with some helpful pointers and tactics to aid your experience. Remember, it doesn’t need to be perfect, it often feels somewhat messy until you gain experience and more faith in the process.
Pursuing Conflict Resolution
Finally, remember to keep on top of any fallout from your conversation in the days afterwards. Address any moodiness or upset by checking in and being compassionate with one another. Be active about pursuing resolution by asking how they’re doing regarding the things you’ve discussed. Loving and open conversations are the ultimate goal.
Undealt with problems will destroy your marriage or at best leave it feeling bland, empty and platonic. It’s the responsibility of both partners to commit to solving problems as and when they arise. Allowing your spouse to shut you down, ignore your requests to address problems or neglect to make demonstrable changes is dysfunction on your part.
If there’s no sex and it’s making you miserable, you can’t just retreat into your hobbies and disengage from your wife forever. That’s on you. If your husband won’t connect with you on any deep or meaningful level, then again, giving up trying and accepting a surface level marriage where you will feel forever alone, or unseen is a failing on your part.
These are just common examples, but the solution is the same for whatever issues you’re struggling with. You have to learn to be comfortable with conflict and if you aren’t then it will be helpful to ask yourself “What am I actually frightened of?” A bad mood? A tantrum? A storm out? Why? Why do these things destabilise me so badly? Do you think you could learn to detach from these experiences enough that you are still able to risk them? Is it possible for you to feel okay when someone that you love is not? Answering questions such as these can be remarkably freeing.
You can and should pursue your needs and insist that all problems are discussed openly and maturely. Until there’s resolution, the conversation must remain open, so revisit it as often as is necessary.
Relationship Check-Ins
I’ll leave you with this final suggestion which you might want to try in your own marriage:
Once a week, every Friday morning, my husband and I sit down for a check in which is based around a written relationship contract we’ve both agreed to. We go over how we’re doing with anything we discussed the previous week and we write down anything new that we need to work on. We put a list somewhere prominent, so we each have a daily reminder. On my desk and on the mirror where I do my make-up work for me.
This helps us remain focussed on our marriage so that problems don’t get forgotten and the weekly check-ins help clear the air around anything new that might have come up. The point is real change where necessary, from us both, and practices that ensure that we both develop faith and trust in our marriage consistently.
At the moment my husband is focussing on becoming more verbally complimentary which doesn’t come naturally to him, and I am consciously trying to become more tactile and physically affectionate. No big deal right? No need to be afraid, just totally achievable areas to work on that will enhance our relationship over time, and have us both acting in ways that makes the other feel more loved.
Thanks for reading, I’ll see you next week.
In the meantime, to yourself and to others, Tell the Truth.
