What Happens in a Sexless Marriage? Research on Long-Term Effects
Sexless marriage, declining intimacy, and emotional distance are among the most common relationship challenges couples face today. Is sex really that important in marriage? What happens when intimacy stops? Does it actually matter in the long term?
This article explores what research reveals when sexual connection disappears; the documented effects on mental health, physical wellbeing, and family stability. We’ll compare what happens in sexless marriages versus sexually connected ones, and examine why choosing intimacy profoundly affects marital health and emotional wellbeing for both partners.
I often hear women defend sexless marriages with phrases like “I shouldn’t have to if I don’t want to. My body, my choice. Women aren’t here to serve men.”
And you’re absolutely right. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, and nobody has a right to your body. If you want a marriage without sex, that’s your choice. But as with any major life choice, it’s worth making an informed decision so you’re fully aware of the likely outcomes. And since this is my area of expertise, I can share from my observations in practice what those outcomes tend to be.
So, in this article I’m going to describe exactly what I see in the therapy room when couples stop having sex, what the research says about sexless marriages versus sexually connected ones, and why sex matters far more to marital health than you might know.
First, a quick disclaimer. This article isn’t for anyone dealing with abuse, coercion, or trauma, nor is it for women who are unable to have sex due to medical or psychological reasons. It’s specifically for women in loving marriages with good husbands, where sex is possible but has been deprioritized by choice.
What Research Shows About Sexless Marriages
Most couples naturally go through periods when sex takes a backseat, such as after childbirth, during grief, serious illness, or a major life trauma. Fair enough.
But what if “no” becomes the default over an extended period? When “not tonight” stretches into months or even years without intimacy?
First, let me share what research reveals about long-term sexless marriages. Every claim is backed by peer-reviewed studies, with links provided at the end of this article. These aren’t guarantees for every case, but they are patterns consistently observed across large populations.
A Portrait of a Sexless Marriage
He begins to experience depression and anxiety, ⁽¹⁾ sexual shame, and a profound loss of self-worth. ⁽²⁾ He withdraws emotionally, while facing serious health risks, including elevated chances of heart disease and stroke, a weakened immune system, and higher all-cause mortality. ⁽³⁾ He becomes distant and disengaged, going through the motions of life without the joie de vivre you remember.
In the marriage, conflict escalates, instability increases, communication breaks down, and trust lowers. The risks of infidelity ⁽⁴⁾ and divorce rise sharply, ⁽⁵⁾ transforming what could have been a vibrant partnership into two people living parallel lives under the same roof.
Women don’t escape the consequences either. Sexual inactivity can lead to physical changes that make sex painful and reduce pleasure, ⁽⁶⁾ along with chronic tension in the relationship and deep loneliness.
I see these couples every single day in my therapy room. They sit apart, barely making eye contact. There’s no humour, no physical touch, and constant tension at home. Their kids are suffering whether they acknowledge it or not; they avoid any serious relationship discussions and they’re both categorically miserable.
So, if this is the path you’re on, if you want to exercise your right to say no indefinitely, then please do so with full awareness of where it can lead.
Alternatively, you also have the right to say a loud, informed, and consenting YES to your husband if you so choose.
What Happens When Sex Is Prioritized in Marriage
Why? Let me describe what the research tells us about marriages in which sex is prioritized so you can decide for yourself.
A Portrait of a Sexual Marriage
His mental health improves, with reduced depression and anxiety, ⁽¹⁾ higher self-esteem, and greater confidence. ⁽²⁾ Stress hormones decrease, bolstering immune function and slashing risks of all-cause mortality. ⁽⁷⁾ Above all, his lust for life returns; he feels loved, welcome, and wanted, becoming more engaged, devoted, and present.
In the marriage there’s greater stability, higher relationship satisfaction for both partners, ⁽⁸⁾ improved communication, ⁽⁹⁾ increased goodwill, greater trust and closeness, and lower vulnerability to infidelity. ⁽⁴⁾ Their bond deepens over time, as their marriage becomes stronger and more cohesive.
Their children benefit too, developing more secure attachments, better emotional regulation, stronger conflict resolution skills, higher social competence, improved academic performance, and lower rates of anxiety and depression. ⁽¹⁰⁾ They grow up with healthier relationship models and the deep security of knowing their parents truly love each other.
And sexual activity isn’t just good for your husband, your kids, and your marriage; it’s good for you too. Across large studies, people who have regular, satisfying sex tend to live longer and enjoy better overall health, with especially strong benefits seen for women. ⁽¹¹⁾
The reasons are straightforward and measurable. Sex reduces stress hormones, improves immune function and sleep quality, lowers risks of heart disease, stroke, and cancer, and decreases rates of anxiety and depression, leading to better overall mental health. ⁽⁷⁾ Finally, oxytocin, the bonding hormone released during intimacy, acts as a natural mood stabilizer, buffering you against stress and promoting psychological stability, ⁽¹²⁾ so you feel more connected, alive, and grounded in your own body.
What I See in the Therapy Room
In my experience, couples who are having sex have a completely different energy about them. When they come into my therapy room, they sit close to each other and make frequent eye contact. There’s warmth, humour, and ease between them. Even when we’re dealing with difficult topics, there’s an underlying foundation of goodwill between them because they’re teammates, friends, and importantly, lovers.
Some might argue that these couples are having sex because they’re already connected, that it’s an effect rather than a cause. But research shows that isn’t always true. Sexual satisfaction often precedes relationship satisfaction. ⁽¹³⁾ Sex isn’t always a by-product of a healthy marriage; it actively helps to create one.
Those beautiful older couples you see who look so at ease with each other have been saying yes to each other for decades. Not just emotionally or practically, but sexually too. They haven’t been starving each other of any important needs, and it shows.
Sex, Generosity, and Commitment
The bigger picture here is that none of this is really even about sex. Sex just happens to be the conduit through which your husband feels most loved, most connected to you, and most cared about. It’s the yes behind the engagement that’s most meaningful.
What I’m talking about is cultivating an overall spirit of mutual generosity in marriage.
When she says, “Can we talk about us?”, “Will you help me with this decision?”, “Can we plan that weekend away?” he says yes. And when he says, “Can we make love tonight?” more often than not, she says yes.
Relationship researchers call this communal strength: being motivated to meet your partner’s needs without expecting something back, simply because you care about them. ⁽¹⁴⁾
And here’s the kicker; generosity is its own reward. Research from around the world consistently shows that giving to others boosts our own happiness, sense of purpose, and fulfilment. ⁽¹⁵⁾ Couples who live this way understand a fundamental truth: when you commit to something you care about, you commit to what it requires, not just what’s convenient to give. Marrying a sexual being means committing to honour that essential part of them, too.
Why Many Women Find Sex Difficult Over Time
I know some of you might think this sounds overblown or that I’m making too much of sex. But I’ve seen these patterns play out time and again in my therapy room.
I’ve never seen a happy sexless marriage where one partner needs sexual connection to feel fulfilled. Never. It simply doesn’t work.
And here’s another important consideration. When you commit to monogamy, you become his only source of sexual connection. Contrary to popular belief, sex isn’t just about physical release for men. Men consistently tell me it’s the intimate connection with their wives specifically that they crave. By choosing monogamy together, you’ve made this connection exclusively yours to give or withhold.
So why do so many women find sex so difficult?
First, if you’re no longer 20, child-free, and single, the chances are your desire pattern will change from spontaneous to responsive, meaning you don’t feel aroused until you get going. ⁽¹⁶⁾ This is true for me.
Unfortunately, many women misinterpret this natural shift as a sign that they no longer find their husband attractive. So they declare, “I’m done with sex,” and that’s that. This is clearly not good for either of you.
The solution is to become intentional about intimacy, just as a health-conscious person is about exercise. I don’t always wake up compelled to go for a run, but I value my health, so I put my shoes on regardless. Once I’m moving, I feel good and I’m always glad I set off. Sex works the same way. Desire follows engagement, and engagement is a choice.
Many of us struggle with body image, low confidence, or anxiety around the vulnerability sex requires. We lose spontaneous desire at the same time our bodies change through childbirth, age, or both. Maybe we gain weight, develop wrinkles, or stretch marks, and so the thought of feeling sexy and taking our clothes off is the last thing on our minds.
Many women also struggle with what’s called spectatoring during sex, monitoring and judging our bodies instead of being present. If you’re worried about how you look or how you’re responding, the resulting anxiety makes responsive desire even harder to access.
But here’s what I hear from men constantly: none of that stuff matters to them. It’s their wives they want. The changes you’ve been through tell the story of who you are, the woman they love. Your husband isn’t analysing your body; he’s enjoying the opportunity to connect with you.
I’ve found that self-acceptance and gratitude for what my body has been through are profoundly helpful here. And during intimacy the key is getting out of your head and into your body, focusing on physical sensations and connection, not performance. For me, learning to relax unlocked a yes, and it’s been good for me in many ways beyond sex.
Beyond these, there are other common barriers: exhaustion, stress, overwhelm, hormonal changes, relationship issues, medication side effects, depression, anxiety, or physical pain.
If you’re struggling with any of these, tackle them head-on. Consult your doctor, seek individual support if needed, and manage overwhelm as a team with your husband. The goal is to lower barriers to connection rather than stop connecting altogether. Sex should never be the first thing to disappear when life gets hard. In fact, studies show that couples who prioritize sexual connection cope better with external stress, not worse. ⁽⁷⁾
The Marriage You Choose to Build
To be clear, I’m not talking about forcing yourself through unwanted sex. That’s harmful and counterproductive and not something I advocate. I’m talking about choosing to love from a place of understanding, knowing why intimacy matters, and working through the barriers that stand in the way. This principle applies to any fundamental relationship need that’s deeply important to your spouse. For most men, that need happens to be sexual intimacy. So if you want to share your life with a man, it makes sense to accept and honour this normal, healthy aspect of who he is.
So the question becomes, what kind of marriage do you actually want to build? The one in the first portrait, or the one in the second? Both are available to you. One calls for acceptance and generosity; the other is the product of prolonged resistance.
Everything I’m talking about here assumes consent and reciprocity, with the assumption you’re married to a man who, to the best of his ability, says yes to the things you need too.
I’m not telling you how to live your life, nor am I promoting a “trad wife” or “submit to your husband” ideology. I’m reporting from the field, drawing on real-world clinical observation and research so you can make an informed decision. Because I suspect that when you said yes to marriage, you didn’t dream of a cold, disconnected relationship where you live like roommates. You dreamed of warmth, intimacy, and lifelong partnership. Someone you could laugh with, grow old with, and weather storms with. Someone who’s got your back.
I believe those marriages are available to any couple who are both willing to say, “I love you, what do you need,” and mean it. There is profound wisdom in saying yes to your spouse.
If you want support, you can reach out to me or my team via this site.
I’ll see you next week. In the meantime, to yourself and to others, tell the truth.
IS YOUR MARRIAGE IN CRISIS?
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Laura How
Relationship Counsellor & Coach
Recommended Reading About Intimacy in Marriage
His Needs, Her Needs
‘This book will educate you in the care of your spouse,’ explains Dr Willard Harley. ‘Once you have learned its lessons, your spouse will find you irresistible, a condition that’s essential to a happy and successful marriage.’
This fresh and highly entertaining book identifies the ten most important needs within marriage for husbands and wives. It teaches you how to fulfil each other’s needs. Couples who find each other irresistible during the early years of their marriage may become incompatible if they fail to meet these central needs. According to Dr Harley, the needs of men and women are similar, but their priorities are vastly different.
Are you able to identify which of the following needs are his and which are hers? In what order would you place them? Admiration, Affection, An attractive spouse, Conversation, Domestic support, Family commitment, Financial support, Honesty and openness, Recreational companionship, Sexual fulfilment.
The Passionate Marriage
Passionate Marriage has long been recognized as the pioneering book on intimate human relationships. Now with a new preface by the author, this updated edition explores the ways we can keep passion alive and even reach the height of sexual and emotional fulfillment later in life. Acclaimed psychologist David Schnarch guides couples toward greater intimacy with proven techniques developed in his clinical practice and worldwide workshops. Chapters―covering everything from understanding love relationships to helpful “tools for connections” to keeping the sparks alive years down the road―provide the scaffolding for overcoming sexual and emotional problems. This inspirational book is sure to help couples invigorate their relationships and reach the fullest potential in their love lives.
The Sex-Starved Marriage
Bring the spark back into your bedroom and your relationship with gutsy and effective advice from bestselling author Michele Weiner Davis. It is estimated that one of every three married couples struggles with problems associated with mismatched sexual desire. If you want to stop fighting about sex and revitalize your intimate connection with your spouse, then you need this book. In “The Sex-Starved Marriage,” bestselling author Michele Weiner Davis will help you understand why being complacent or bitter about ho-hum sex might cost you your relationship. Full of moving first-hand accounts from couples who have struggled with the erosion of sexual desire and rebuilt their passionate connection, “The Sex-Starved Marriage” addresses every aspect of the sexual libido problem.
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