The Sexless Marriage Epidemic | Why Intimacy Is Declining

We all know sex tends to decline with age; that’s nothing new. But what’s happening now is different.

Couples today are having far less sex than couples the same age just a generation ago⁽¹⁾. What used to be once a week has fallen to once or twice a month, and for many, none at all⁽²⁾. And this isn’t just a bedroom issue because when sex disappears, relationships weaken, health suffers, families struggle, and the consequences for society are significant⁽³⁾.

So, in this article, I want to look at what’s really going on, why marital sex is declining so fast, and why it matters.

How Common Are Sexless Marriages Today?

You’ve probably heard the stat that 1 in 5 marriages are “sexless.”⁽⁴⁾ That often gets taken to mean the other 4 in 5 couples are having plenty of sex. But that’s obviously not true because the stat only counts the most extreme cases where couples are having sex fewer than ten times a year. So if you’re having sex once a month, you don’t even appear in that statistic.

And just to be clear: in research, ‘sexless’ doesn’t mean zero sex, it’s just a technical definition⁽⁵⁾. But let’s be honest: once a month would still feel like a sexless marriage to most. Try asking 100 married middle-aged men how great their sex life is and you’ll get an awkward silence from a lot more than 1 in 5 of them.

And the stats back this up.

Sources: Natsal-3 (2010–12), Britain’s probability survey of sexual behaviour and lifestyles [G1]; YouGov UK polling on sexual frequency (2020) [G2].

The British National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles found that by ages 35–44, couples were averaging 2–3 times per month. By 45–54 it drops again, often to once or twice a month and about 1 in 3 report no sex at all. Nothing. Zilch. Nada⁽⁶⁾.

And remember, these numbers are probably conservative because people feel embarrassed talking about sex, especially us Brits, so we tend to give rosier answers⁽⁷⁾. The true extent of sexless marriages is likely far worse. Just bear that in mind the next time someone cuts you off in traffic.

How Does Today Compare to a Generation Ago?

We all know the 90s were better, the culture, the fun, the freedom. Well, it turns out, the stats agree, at least when it comes to sex⁽⁸⁾.

Sources: Natsal-2 (1999–2001) and Natsal-3 (2010–12) comparative analyses of sexual frequency in Britain [G3], [G1].

Back then, people in their 30s, 40s, and 50s were having way more sex. By the 2010s, frequent sex more than halved in the 35–44 age group⁽⁸⁾.

And it’s not just the UK. Studies from the US, Australia, and Nordic countries show the same thing: partnered sex has dropped by 15–28% per decade since the early 2000s⁽⁹⁾.

Zoom out even further, and here’s the long-term trend:

Sources: Natsal-3 summary metrics for partnered sexual frequency in Britain [G1]; long-run decline context from population studies of sexual frequency (1989–2014) [G4].

For most of the 20th century, couples held steady at about once a week, but since the 1990s, it’s plummeted to just 2–3 times a month⁽¹⁰⁾. The long plateau followed by a sharp decline shows just how unusual and recent this shift really is.

Why Is Sexual Frequency Declining?

In the 90s and before, people went out more. Pubs, clubs, social gatherings, and most people worked face-to-face. That social engagement led to far more opportunities to form relationships⁽¹¹⁾. Today, our more isolated existence means it’s harder than ever to even form a committed relationship.
And for those who do manage to establish long-term bonds, the pace of modern life can be brutal. Couples juggle jobs, kids, bills, and endless to-do lists. And unlike in the past, both partners usually work full-time and share the domestic load⁽¹²⁾. Many couples collapse into bed after half a bottle of wine, glued to phones, wondering why their sex lives are flatlining.

And speaking of phones, these little things are sucking the life out of relationships. Evenings once spent together are swallowed by Netflix, TikTok, and mindless scrolling. Couples sit in the same room, but they’re not really with each other. Just as caged animals stop mating when stripped of healthy stimulation, I suspect this digital captivity is having the same effect on us. Researchers now call digital distraction one of the biggest threats to intimacy⁽¹³⁾.

👉 What do you think? Are screens harming your relationship? Let me know in the comments.

Then there’s the high-speed, on-demand porn which has changed sexual habits and expectations. For some, rather than facing sexual problems in their relationship, they turn to porn as a substitute. But over time, that avoidance just drives couples further apart⁽¹⁴⁾.

Sources: U.S. population-level decline in serum testosterone, 1987–2004 [G5]; additional secular-trend evidence from Australia and other cohorts [G6], [G7].

Another trend is that men today have lower testosterone at the same age than their fathers or grandfathers did. Causes include obesity, poor sleep, sedentary lifestyles, chronic stress, and hormone-disrupting chemicals in the environment⁽¹⁶⁾. That means men today are, on average, a little less horny, not that any of my regular readers would agree.

Sources: NHS England/BSA “Medicines Used in Mental Health” trend reports (2015/16–2021/22+) [G8]; NHS Prescription Cost Analysis time series [G9]. For U.S. context: CDC/NCHS trend in antidepressant use, 1999–2018 [G10]. Teen prescribing roughly doubling vs mid-2000s: UK child/adolescent prescribing trend analyses [G11].

The overprescribing of meds is another major factor. Antidepressant use has soared by more than a third in England since 2015⁽¹⁷⁾, and in the U.S. from about 8% in 1999 to nearly 14% by 2018⁽¹⁸⁾. Even teenagers are now prescribed them at twice the rate of the mid-2000s⁽¹⁹⁾. One of the many problems with these drugs is that they are notorious for killing libido⁽²⁰⁾.

Furthermore, in our modern culture there’s a distinct lack of a marital code or moral guidance. In the past, marriage was taken seriously, and couples were supported. Communities, extended families, even churches guided couples on how to make marriage work⁽²¹⁾. I am not saying those institutions were always positive, but for centuries there was a strong cultural acceptance that sex mattered and that neglecting it would undermine family stability. Today, those support systems have largely disappeared, and I fear we’ve thrown the baby out with the bath water because couples are more isolated than ever.

The result is that sex is now commonly dismissed as “just physical”, unnecessary even, whilst emotional connection is put on a pedestal⁽²²⁾. Of course, emotional connection matters, but the effect is that sex is no longer widely seen as the legitimate need it is.

This ties into another recent cultural shift, which is individualism. We hear endless talk about ‘putting yourself first,’ but along the way we’ve lost the language of duty, generosity, and partnership⁽²³⁾. Now, the focus is mostly on what we feel we deserve instead of what we ought to give. And nowhere is that more obvious than in how we treat each other’s sexual needs.

To make matters worse, being single is sold as one endless parade of freedom and passion, while marriage is portrayed as sexually boring⁽²⁴⁾. The research shows the opposite of course: that sex in long-term relationships is more meaningful, more satisfying, and more connecting than casual flings⁽²⁵⁾. The tragedy is that too many couples buy into the myth and then live it out as if it were inevitable.

And that’s the whole point of this blog; to show couples that marriage can be the richest and most rewarding experience in life, if you do it right.

Finally, and this is a big one… the dreaded gender war. The mistrust between men and women now is nothing short of a tragedy. Online echo chambers fuel resentment on both sides, whether it’s the red-pill crowd or hostile strands of feminism⁽²⁶⁾. They’re as bad as each other, but when it comes to marital sex, modern feminism has taken a wrecking ball to the notion that it matters at all⁽²⁷⁾. The idea that our husbands need sex on an emotional level has been ridiculed and dismissed⁽²⁸⁾. Men are often portrayed as shallow or entitled if they express sexual needs, rather than as human beings wired to connect through sex. The result is that trust feels harder than ever, and the motivation to connect, whether you’re dating or already married, is slowly evaporating.

Where Is This Heading?

If trends continue, we’re heading toward a world where not having sex in marriage is normalised⁽²⁹⁾. Where sexlessness was once considered a warning sign, it could soon be brushed off as “just the way things are.” which is highly problematic for society. Because at the couple level, even once-a-week sex is linked to greater happiness, stability, and resilience to stress⁽³⁰⁾. When its absent, resentment grows, emotional distance sets in, and the risk of divorce skyrockets⁽³¹⁾.

And on a health level, sex isn’t just a fun hobby like bowling or going to the cinema. It lowers stress, strengthens immunity, and supports emotional resilience⁽³²⁾. People who involuntarily go without end up lonely, anxious and unwell⁽³³⁾.

Children suffer too when their parents become roommates. Intimacy between parents creates a sense of security, modelling what healthy adult relationships should look like⁽³⁴⁾. So, when that tactile bond is absent, children often create weaker templates for trust and stability in their own relationships, which they may pass on to their own children, and so a generational cycle begins⁽³⁵⁾.

Sources: UN World Population Prospects 2022 (Total Fertility Rate) [G12]; ONS UK fertility statistics [G13]; OECD Family Database (cross-country comparatives) [G14].

And finally, zooming out to a societal level, we can see that birth rates are collapsing across most of the developed world. 1.5 in the UK, 1.6 in the US, just 0.7 in South Korea⁽³⁶⁾. Experts warn this means ageing populations, shrinking workforces, and mounting pressure on pensions and healthcare systems with long-term economic strain to follow⁽³⁷⁾.

I don’t want to be too hyperbolic here, but if the decline continues, and younger data suggests it will, the consequences are potentially quite serious for those left to pick up the pieces.

What Do We Do About It?

The good news is this isn’t out of our control, and you can probably guess what I am going to suggest… Yes… Have more sex!

Every couple that chooses to prioritise sex and closeness, rather than drift with the scattering herd, is part of the solution.

As a caveat, I am not suggesting this for couples dealing with serious relationship dysfunction. But in many marriages, the main issue is a lack of sex, and so the obvious solution is, quite often, more sex.

I have seen multiple couples do nothing more than decide to make sex a priority again. No big therapy breakthroughs, no drama, just a conscious choice. And the immediate results are less conflict, less stress, more affection, and more connection⁽³⁸⁾.

We really need to stop pretending sex doesn’t matter, because it does. And if you know it matters, which I know most of you reading do, then challenge the people around you who say it doesn’t, because they’re wrong.

Sex isn’t just a bonus for people who “deserve it”. It’s one of the things that keeps us healthy and fulfilled. It’s a beautiful life force that fuels love, generosity, art, music and creativity⁽³⁹⁾.

So, if sex continues to decline on a global scale, we will all suffer.

Now, I am not saying sex is a magic cure-all. I know it won’t fix everything. But I do think a world in which men and women were more aligned and more intimate would be a better world for all of us.

So don’t be part of the problem. Be part of the solution.

That means choosing your partner over your phone. It means dealing with any relationship issues that are getting in the way. It means talking, touching, reconnecting. From there, make sex a regular, conscious habit; not a once-a-month event dependent on a long list of unachievable provisos.

Take your health seriously, so you’re not too exhausted or unwell to prioritise intimacy⁽⁴⁰⁾. And think about sex for what it is: a human need, as vital as affection, respect, or emotional closeness.

And finally, turn your back on divisive gender ideologies. They’re anti-life. Men and women are an incredible team that evolution has spent millions of years perfecting⁽⁴¹⁾. So, make the effort to turn toward each other and join forces. This all starts at home, with you, one couple at a time. A grass roots movement to heal the divide facilitated by the very thing that put us here in the first place.

I know this is easier said than done, so book a session with me if you need some support.

Thanks for reading. I’ll see you next week. In the meantime… to yourself and to others — tell the truth.

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Recommended Reading About Sexless marriages

References

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Graph References

• [G1] Johnson, A. M., Mercer, C. H., Erens, B., Copas, A. J., McManus, S., Wellings, K., … & Field, J. (2013). Changes in sexual attitudes and lifestyles in Britain (Natsal-3). The Lancet, 382(9907), 1781–1794. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0140-6736(13)62035-8
• [G2] YouGov. (2020). How often are Britons having sex? https://yougov.co.uk/topics/health/articles-reports/2020/02/12/how-often-are-britons-having-sex
• [G3] Johnson, A. M., Wadsworth, J., Wellings, K., & Field, J. (2001). Sexual behaviour in Britain (Natsal-2). The Lancet, 358(9296), 1835–1842. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0140-6736(01)06886-6
• [G4] Twenge, J. M., Sherman, R. A., & Wells, B. E. (2017). Declines in sexual frequency among American adults, 1989–2014. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 46(8), 2389–2401. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-017-0953-1
• [G5] Travison, T. G., Araujo, A. B., O’Donnell, A. B., Kupelian, V., & McKinlay, J. B. (2007). Population-level decline in serum testosterone. The Journal of Clinical Endocrinology & Metabolism, 92(1), 196–202. https://doi.org/10.1210/jc.2006-1375
• [G6] Shi, Z., Aitken, D., Zhao, Y., et al. (2020). Declining testosterone in adolescent and young adult males. Annals of Clinical Biochemistry, 57(3), 282–285. https://doi.org/10.1177/0004563219899576
• [G7] Chodick, G., et al. (2020). Secular trends in testosterone testing/treatment. BJU International, 125(1), 133–141. https://doi.org/10.1111/bju.14950
• [G8] NHS Business Services Authority. (2022). Medicines Used in Mental Health – England 2015/16 to 2021/22. https://www.nhsbsa.nhs.uk/statistical-collections/medicines-used-mental-health-report
• [G9] NHS England / NHSBSA. Prescription Cost Analysis (England) – time-series tables. https://www.nhsbsa.nhs.uk/prescription-data/dispensing-data/prescription-cost-analysis-pca-data
• [G10] Brody, D. J., Gu, Q., & Simpson, S. M. (2020). Antidepressant use among adults, 2015–2018. NCHS Data Brief, 377. https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/products/databriefs/db377.htm
• [G11] Taylor, E., Turnbull, S., & Kapur, N. (2019). Trends in antidepressant prescribing to children and adolescents in England: 2005–2017. BMJ Open, 9(6), e026905. https://doi.org/10.1136/bmjopen-2018-026905 (UK child/adolescent prescribing roughly doubled since mid-2000s).
• [G12] United Nations DESA, Population Division. (2022). World Population Prospects 2022 (TFR). https://population.un.org/wpp/
• [G13] Office for National Statistics. (2023). Births in England and Wales: 2022. https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriages/livebirths
• [G14] OECD. (2024). Family Database – SF2.1: Fertility rates. https://www.oecd.org/els/family/database.htm