Why Waiting to Want Sex Is Destroying Your Marriage: A Therapist’s Verdict

Why Sex Won’t Just Happen in a Long Marriage

A relationship therapist on why sex in marriage will not take care of itself. The myth of natural desire, the internal green light, and how to make sex a project that actually thrives in a long-term relationship.

Laura How is a UK relationship therapist specialising in sexless marriage and sexual desire in long-term relationships.

First, a quick disclaimer: This article is for marriages that have become mundane or cold, not abusive or coercive. If yours is genuinely unsafe, none of this advice applies. That is a different conversation, and one I have covered in my emotional safety article.

Part of what distinguishes a marriage from any other relationship is sex. Fidelity means we won’t have sex with anyone else. So, you’d assume, that we will be having sex with each other. Sounds like a good deal to me.

Might we say, then, that marriage places an inherent pressure on both spouses to keep their sexual bond alive? Just as there is a healthy pressure to remain faithful, to be honest, and to support each other through good times and bad? I would argue, yes. But would you not also agree that no one should ever have to submit to unwanted sex? Obviously yes. So how do we reconcile these two truths when they are at odds, inside a safe, stable, and otherwise loving marriage?

Well, if you want to remain married, the only sane option is to address the lack of wanting. And that is what this article is about. How you can genuinely start wanting sex again. And beyond that, where it can really take you as a couple, and why it is so very much worth it.

Sex is not just a byproduct of a happy marriage. I hear this myth all the time. “If you take care of the relationship, the sex will take care of itself.” No, it won’t. Not after the first couple of years. Not after the first couple of kids. Not after the first sign of changing hormones. That is a fantasy.

Once the biological heat has faded, and for most couples it will, sex must become intentional.

The Four Reasons Sex in Marriage Is Worth Fighting For

Why? What’s the big deal? I mean, it’s just sex, right?

Wrong. There are four reasons why.

1. Sex is good for your spouse. Sex, for those who desire it, is a legitimate emotional need. And I do mean need. Maybe not for survival, but certainly for wellbeing. So to withhold it, without good reason and without dialogue or empathy, is frankly a harmful thing to do. And we don’t want to harm the person we love the most. Obviously.
2. Sex is good for you. Really, really good for you. It’s good for the heart. It lowers stress and blood pressure. It helps you sleep. It supports your immune system, your mood, your mental health and your confidence. It is even associated with a longer life.
3. Sex is good for your marriage. A fulfilling sexual connection is one of the deepest forms of intimacy two people can share. It builds trust and goodwill, deepens affection, lowers conflict, and creates a sense of camaraderie that sustains a marriage even through the hardest times.
4. Sex is good for your children. A strong, affectionate marriage happens to be the single best environment we know of for raising secure, happy children. Children who grow up watching two parents love each other learn what love is supposed to look like. And they carry that into their own lives, and their own relationships, for years to come.

So no, it is not “just sex.” It is an integral part of a complex system. A vital pillar of health, as important as any other. And when sex is in its rightful place, almost every other part of your life will improve along with it.

Why Sex Must Become Intentional in a Long Marriage

If any of that has sparked even a flicker of maybe this does matter more than I thought, then good. Because that is what we are going to build on. This is where wanting begins to take shape. Where it solidifies, however, is in the doing.

Not everybody wakes up bursting to hit the gym. But if you take your health seriously, you don’t wait to feel motivated, because you might never go. You go anyway, because you know that once you get moving, you will be glad you showed up.

Sex in a long marriage is exactly the same. If you wait for physical compulsion, you might be waiting a very long time. And so might your spouse. So the decision comes first. Motivation often follows action, and action is always a choice.

That choice, however, has to come with what I call an internal green light.

The Internal Green Light: How to Engage Without Self-Betrayal

There is a world of difference between not quite being in the mood, and a full body no. Once you are past thirty, not always being in the mood is normal. And starting without much of an urge, then finding you are enjoying yourself once you get going, is normal too.

A full body no, however, is something else entirely. To go ahead despite that no would be self-betrayal, and nothing good can come from self-betrayal. So please, don’t ever do that.

A green light is yes, I want to, this is good for us. And it is the only healthy way to engage with intention.

When the Light Is Red: What a Full Body No Really Means

If the light is red, you stop. And you investigate why your body is saying no.

Because it is a signal that you have important work to do. It often means there is contempt or resentment that has quietly built up between you. Or trauma that has never been dealt with. Or a lifestyle that has starved your sexual self of every nutrient it needs. Whatever it is, you can’t push through it. You have to look at it. But look you must, because a vibrant, healthy sex life is essential if you want your marriage to thrive.

A no is always the start of a long conversation, never the end of a short one.

How Often Should Married Couples Have Sex?

But when the light is green, and for many couples that can simply be the result of a choice, then we get to the more interesting questions. How often should we be having sex? And how do we make it as fulfilling as possible?

Let’s start with how often.

The research is clear on this. The largest study we have looked at over thirty thousand people, and found that, for couples, relationship satisfaction climbs as sex becomes more frequent, up to about once a week. After that, the benefits plateau.

I am going out on a limb here, however. In my experience, both with couples and in my own marriage, once a week is the baseline, and three, where possible, is worth aiming for. Not for the sake of the number, but for what comes with it.

Here is why. That study measured satisfaction. And satisfaction on a questionnaire isn’t quite the same as thriving, is it?

Yes, weekly is genuinely good. You get the health benefits. You get the bond. You are well above the sexual poverty line.

But weekly can become the box you tick when everything else is done. There is a sort of maintenance feel to it. Like taking your vitamins.

Three is a different level. Because at three, you have to think about each other a lot more. It becomes something you are actively considering on a daily basis. For a couple, this means more talking, more getting comfortable being vulnerable. Fewer frustrations and more smiles at the breakfast table. It lifts the marriage up, because it forces you to prioritise each other in a way little else can.

And to me, that is the whole point.

The scientists in their lab coats might say once a week is optimum. And on paper, for satisfaction, maybe it is. But that is not what my couples tell me. And it is not the level at which my own marriage thrives best either.

Make Sex a Project, Not a Chore

You want a thriving marriage, yes? Not just a satisfactory one?

Then make sex a project. And I mean that literally.

I think about our sex life the way I think about our money, or our health, or raising our son. It is not something I leave to chance, or something I only deal with when I feel like it. It is something I tend to, on purpose, and with love, because it matters. And it is always with a bright green light.

Why a High Sex Drive Is Something You Build

So yes, you could say I have a high sex drive. But not in the way you might think. I am not 25 anymore. What I really mean is that I am highly driven to pursue satisfying, intentional sex with my husband. And it is something I built, deliberately, over years, and maintain like physical fitness, because I refuse to become sexually unfit.

It is cool, honestly, it is cool to be nearly 50 and feel that way.

And building it is not mysterious. It is the clothes I wear. The friendships I keep. The media I let in. How I treat my body. Whether I make time for the outdoors. The conversations my husband and I make space for. The sexual self either gets fed, or it gets starved. Nothing about it is accidental.

I constantly find myself asking: have we made time this week? Is there time today? What would he like? What would I like? What could we do to make it more exciting?

What a Thriving Sexual Marriage Actually Looks Like

It is at the core of the life we are building. The engine, really. It drives everything else.

Energy, motivation, joie de vivre.

Because a person who is sexually well is just well, all round. More themselves. In line with how we are built. You cannot switch off something this fundamental to who you are and still feel whole. You just can’t.

Honestly, it is the difference between driving a Prius and driving something with a V8 under the bonnet. Yes, you have a vehicle. But come on. It is not the same thing.

My husband and I are Bonnie and Clyde. Partners in crime. We are best friends, of course, but more than that, we are lovers. And it has nothing whatsoever to do with being horny, and everything to do with both of us choosing, consciously, to remain colourful and playful in a world full of flat, dull, sexless marriages.

We have all seen them. Sitting in restaurants barely talking. Walking six feet apart on the sidewalk. Slumped at opposite ends of the couch staring at their phones night after night.

Not for me, thanks.

Sex shouldn’t be a chore, or a commodity, or something one of you controls. The picture of marital sex our culture has sold us is a disaster. It is meant to be a shared adventure, pursued hand in hand.

It is where everything you have built together is expressed through the body, skin to skin. Where two become one. A place where you can heal, grow, forgive, connect, find courage, be vulnerable, play, and be seen and known in a way nothing else can match.

That so many couples never get there is a genuine tragedy.

But it does not just happen. Not for anyone.

So find your green light, however you need to. Today could literally be the day you start to transform your marriage.

Take the Work Further

If anything here struck a chord, and you would like some support putting it into practice, you are welcome to reach out to me or my team.

I have also just opened two new communities, the Good Wife Club and the Good Husband Club. Each is a monthly live Zoom call with me, a private space to ask questions, exclusive video content from me and a group of others to support you. Founding member places are open now.

And in the meantime, to yourselves and to others, tell the truth.

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