Sexless Marriages, Gender Division & Attachment Dynamics
(Love and Cherish Podcast with Zac Fine and Marijke Roberts)
Listen To the ‘Love & Cherish’ Podcast
In this first team episode of the Love and Cherish podcast, I’m joined by two therapists from my practice, Zac Fine and Marijke Roberts.
This conversation marks the start of a new monthly podcast series where we talk honestly about marriage, intimacy, sexlessness, consent, and the growing sense of division many couples feel between men and women. It’s also a way of properly introducing Zac and Marijke to you, as they’ve recently joined my team and bring thoughtful, grounded perspectives to this work.
👉 Meet the team and book online sessions here:
https://laurahow.com/online-therapists/
Why Sexless Marriages Cause So Much Distress
We begin by talking about why long-term sexlessness is so painful for couples. When sexual intimacy disappears, it’s rarely just about sex. It often brings fear, resentment, grief, and a growing sense of disconnection.
For many people, sex is not a superficial extra. It’s a source of reassurance, grounding, and emotional safety. When that disappears for months or years, the relationship can start to feel fragile, even threatening, especially when there are children, shared finances, and a life built together.
Consent, Fear, and Initiating Sex in Long-Term Relationships
A central part of our discussion focuses on consent, and the confusion many people now feel about how to approach sex in a long-term relationship.
We talk about how asking for sex can start to feel frightening, particularly for men, who may worry about being seen as pushy, coercive, or unsafe. At the same time, avoiding the topic altogether can create distance, suspicion, and emotional shutdown.
We explore how fear on both sides can quietly shape behaviour, and how couples can become stuck in patterns of withdrawal and silence rather than honest conversation.
Power Struggles, Withdrawal, and Emotional Freezing
When sex becomes a battleground, it can turn into a power struggle. We talk about how withholding, stonewalling, and emotional freezing often develop as protective responses, even though they ultimately create more pain and distance.
This kind of shutdown can feel terrifying for the partner on the receiving end. It erodes trust and can trigger deep attachment fears, particularly when communication disappears without reassurance or repair.
Attachment, Reassurance, and Emotional Safety
We spend time unpacking how attachment dynamics show up in sexless marriages. Many of these struggles are not intellectual problems but deeply embodied ones, shaped by early experiences, nervous system responses, and learned patterns of protection.
We talk about the importance of reassurance, responsiveness, and small acts of care, especially during periods when couples feel disconnected or overwhelmed.
What Sex Often Means to Men
One important part of the conversation focuses on how men often experience sexual intimacy. For many men, sex is not simply physical release. It’s regulating, grounding, and deeply connecting.
I share my own journey of coming to understand this more fully, and how cultural messages can distort how women interpret men’s sexual bids, sometimes dismissing them as shallow or selfish rather than relational.
Responsive Desire, Willingness, and Curiosity
We also discuss responsive desire, particularly for women, and how desire does not always appear spontaneously. Sometimes it emerges through closeness, touch, and willingness rather than arriving fully formed at the start.
We talk about curiosity as a healthier starting point than resistance or avoidance, and how openness and generosity can help couples move through blocks rather than becoming frozen in them.
Healing Is Possible, Even When Patterns Run Deep
This episode is not about quick fixes. We talk honestly about how long healing can take, especially when attachment wounds are involved. But we also talk about hope.
With patience, compassion, support, and the right kind of help, even deeply entrenched patterns can soften. Relationships can become places of healing rather than ongoing harm.
Work With Me or My Team
If this conversation resonates with you and you’d like support, you’re very welcome to reach out. Zac, Marijke, and I all work with individuals and couples around intimacy, attachment, and long-term relationship difficulties.
Laura How – Therapist & Coach
Laura is a therapist and coach who blends integrative, direct, and emotionally honest practice with lived experience. She draws from attachment, intimacy work, and somatic awareness to support couples, individuals, and those navigating problems with sexual desire.
Zac Fine – Masculinity Therapist
Zac is a psychological therapist specialising in men’s issues, relationships, and emotional wellbeing. His work focuses on how men think, feel, act, and connect, both in and out of their relationships. He offers a grounded, male-friendly approach and views masculinity positively.
Marijke – Integrative Counsellor
Marijke works with couples who want to see real change. After 30 years with her husband (and plenty of hard-won lessons), she knows that relationships require warmth, honesty, personal responsibility, and the courage to introspect. She also works with young people facing a range of issues.
👉 Meet the team and book online sessions here:
https://laurahow.com/online-therapists/
Join the Conversation
We’ll be recording this podcast monthly. If you have questions you’d like us to explore in future episodes, please leave them in the comments. We’d love to hear from you.
