Good Wife Club: Want a King? Act Like a Queen

Good Wife Club: Want a King? Act Like a Queen

If your marriage has lost it’s spark, this article is for you. Not for marriages in real trouble, but for the ones that have become distant or low on intimacy. The ones where the warmth has gone, and you can’t quite remember when it changed. Drawing on fifteen years of clinical work with couples and twenty-two years of marriage to my husband, here is the case for generosity as the most powerful move a wife can make, and the three assignments that will warm your marriage up.

Laura How is a UK relationship therapist specialising in sexless marriage and female sexual desire in long-term relationships.

First, a quick disclaimer: This article is for marriages that have become mundane or cold, not abusive or coercive. If yours is genuinely unsafe, none of this advice applies. That is a different conversation, and one I have covered in my emotional safety article.

Marriage Vows and Modern Expectations: What’s Changed

It is my job, as a loving wife, to take care of my husband’s needs, just as it is his job to look after mine. Until death do us part. That is what we promised in our vows.

And yet most of the pressure to perform well in marriage these days seems to land on men.

In the fifties we would expect our bills to be paid, a roof over our heads, and to be treated with decency by a man of integrity.

But times have changed, and we want more. Emotional intelligence. Presence. Attentiveness. Romance. Vulnerability. Sensitivity to our moods. To be more like us when it suits us.

This is all good stuff that creates deeper trust and a more intimate bond. And I have no problem telling my husband about any of my needs or desires.

I quite like being treated like a princess from time to time, if I am honest.

However, what our modern feminised culture has missed, is that if you want the best of man, you would be wise to give the best of woman.

Why a Thriving Husband Means a Thriving Marriage

I, for one, want my husband firing on all cylinders. I do not want him limping through life feeling anything other than celebrated and adored. This is the man I married, had a child with, and will grow old with. Why would I want anything less for him?

If I want my husband firing on all cylinders, then the fuel I put in his tank matters.

This whole modern attitude of “It is not my job”, “Why should I”, “I do not owe him anything” is pure poison to marriage.

Now, nobody should be sucking on their partner like a gigantic boob, expecting them to make everything okay. You must develop your own strength.

But that is only half the story.

Why We Need Each Other: The Science of Connection in Marriage

We are not snakes. We are not sharks. We are mammals with mammalian brains. It is nurturing. It is breastfeeding. It is closeness. It is social bonds. We do not develop properly without it, and we do not function long-term without it either.

I cannot seduce myself. I cannot date myself. I cannot make myself feel chosen.

Think about how it feels to have somebody really listening to you. Truly interested in you. It tops you up. It is the roots of feeling secure, knowing that somebody cares.

You cannot do that for yourself. Children cannot do it for themselves. Neither can your husband.

Part of your job, as a wife, is to give that to him. Just as part of his job is to give that to you. It is a two-way street, but someone has to start.

How One Person Can Warm Up a Cold Marriage

So, ladies. If your marriage has become stale or cold, here is my advice if you would like to warm it up.

You may not be able to go from cold to hot overnight, that requires reciprocity.

But the research on this is clear. Generosity creates gratitude, and gratitude fosters reciprocity. An upward spiral that can be initiated by one person. By you.

Welcome to Good Wife Club

Good wife club is about generosity.

And the first rule of good wife club is: your generosity must come with an internal green light.

True generosity is not ‘I do not want to, but I will anyway’. It is ‘I want to. Here I am. For you, for me, and for us.’ That is your green light.

I am not saying it will be easy. A little fake it till you make it is fine. But forcing yourself through a full body no is something else. That is self-betrayal, and it does not work. So do not do that.

The aim is to thaw, then warm, then add the real heat. As quickly as we healthily can without betraying ourselves.

So here are three homework assignments. The current temperature of your marriage will tell you where you start.

Assignment 1 — Thaw: How to Stop Talking to Your Husband Like a Stranger

This first one is more common than you would think.

People start to take each other for granted. They will talk to their spouse like shit, then answer the door to the delivery driver all bouncy and bubbly. We almost forget our spouses are human beings that deserve common decency.

It is like watching bickering kids in session sometimes, erasing each other piece by piece. It is so habitual they do not even know they are doing it.

So, the first thing to look at is your speech, your tone, and your manners.

Is it warm and engaging, or is it by default cold, dismissive or rude? Ask yourself, would you talk to anyone else that way?

Make him feel welcome in his own home. Watch how you interact with him. Watch how you respond when he speaks. Spend less time focusing on his faults and more on becoming his ally.

This means speak kindly. Tell him when you notice something good. Be warm on purpose.

I started doing this years ago, after a moment of clarity. I noticed I was spending too much time thinking bad things about my husband. My inner monologue about him was critical by default. So I decided to catch the thoughts, consider their impact on us both, and correct them. When I changed, the whole dynamic between us shifted.

Assignment 2: Warm. Why Physical Touch Matters More Than Words

Men like to be touched. They just do. The need for physical touch is not something that expires at a certain age. It is part of our attachment system and it is healthy to want that.

I hear this all the time. Men who say they just want to be held or touched. And women who say they are too tired, too stressed or too busy.

But the truth is your husband has to be a top priority. He cannot be the person who gets what is left of you after work, the kids, family, friends, the gym, the dog, and your phone.

Too many women insist the kids come first. I get it, the kids are demanding, the list is endless and you cannot not look after your kids. But no, they do not come first. Not really.

The most powerful gift you can give your children is parents who love each other. Couples who prioritise their marriage cope better, not worse. They have more to give the children, not less. And you will have a lot of life to live long after the kids have gone.

And do not just tell him. Show him. Words are cheap to men. They want the evidence.

So, show him he is a priority, amid all the errands and pressures, with small physical acts. Often.

Touch is the proof. It is how he knows you are on his team. And it does not take a single minute away from anything else you are doing.

So, if there is little or no physical connection in your marriage, start with something. Anything. A hand on his shoulder. A hug at the door. Your arms around his waist. Sit closer than you have been. Touch him when you pass him in the kitchen.

I have learnt over the years that when my husband brings me a coffee, a hand on his thigh says thank you better than words ever could. It is the little things that create the warmth.

Assignment 3: Heat. Sexual Generosity and What Your Husband Actually Wants

This one is the big one. The elephant in the room.

Marriage does not work without sex. It just does not. Sex with your husband needs to be lifelong, frequent, and positive. That is a healthy goal for any functional marriage.

What I see, week after week, is wives saying ‘I am too tired. Too menopausal. Too stressed. Too touched out’.

Underneath it is often a fear. Fear that if they give a little, he will want more. So they give nothing. Or they give the bare minimum, on a schedule, with sighs.

A good man does not want sex like that. At all.

What he actually wants is a wife who enjoys sex. For herself and with him. That is the whole thing.

So, if sex has been a problem in your marriage, make a decision for it to no longer be a problem. That is going to involve work, maybe on yourself or maybe as a couple. But it is essential work worth doing.

Ask yourself. Where are you sexually? Have you got some old hangups that need addressing? What are you offering? And how could you offer more? You can always do more than you are doing. Always.

Start small if that feels right. Show him he is desired. Reach for him in bed. Be the one who initiates without him having to ask.

And if you are feeling particularly brave, try this. Find your husband, wherever he is, walk up to him casually, and ask him if he would like a blowjob.

You want to see your man transformed? Trust me on this one.

I still find pushing myself in this direction a challenge, there is confidence issues, longstanding body image issues and basic shyness and vulnerability, all of which I am still working on. But I never regret pushing and the results speak for themselves.

Why a Candlelit Dinner Is Romantic, but Oral Sex Is a Scandal

If the thought of sexual generosity makes you recoil, then consider this.

When did we decide that wanting a candlelit dinner is romance, but offering your husband a blowjob is a scandal?

It is ridiculous. They are both gifts. Both acts of love.

So, if there is a struggle around any of this, it is worth investigating. What is the resistance? Is it in you, or is it in the marriage?

For all of this, from thaw to heat, you have to move from ‘I do not want to’ to ‘it does not feel hard, because I love him and I want the best for him’.

That is the journey to real generosity. A spirit of goodwill, rather than the ill will which is the road to hell.

How to Tell If You Are in a Failing Marriage

If you do not like your husband enough to want to go near him, to speak kindly to him, to touch him, or please him, then please, get help because, and there is no easy way to say this, you are in a failing marriage.

In a healthy marriage, a husband and wife mostly feel positive about each other. If the balance has tipped the other way, and most of what you feel is negative, you, your husband and your children are all in trouble.

The wisest thing you can do at that point is stop focusing on what he should be doing. Start considering, honestly, who you are in this marriage. What you are offering. And take responsibility for warming it up yourself.

If, however, all of this feels like a relief, like a path forward, like something you can get on with today, then half the battle is already won.

Generosity Is the Heart of a Thriving Marriage

All we are talking about here is generosity. Generosity, and a decision to be as great a version of yourself as you can in your marriage. The same generosity you extended during the first couple of years you were together.

Return to it and your marriage will go to astronomically cool places.

Or you can spend your life doing the opposite. Feeling sorry for yourself, complaining about why your marriage is as miserable as it is whilst contributing nothing positive to it yourself. But what you will create is something that resembles hell.

Make it a project. Project good wife club. Becoming a great wife is meaningful, satisfying, like getting good at anything worth doing. It is good for your self-esteem to be a great spouse. Not arguing all the time is fantastic. Feeling that you are making your spouse happy is far better than not.

If You Are a Husband Reading This

And if you are a husband reading this, the exact same philosophy applies. You want the honeymoon version of her, give her the honeymoon version of you.

Try It for a Month: What Happens When You Commit to Change

Try it for a month. If your marriage does not improve, then at least you know you are not the problem, and you can drag your spouse to therapy.

Speaking of which, if you do find you need some professional support, you can reach out to me or my team and we will be happy to help.

If you found this article helpful, you might also enjoy the one where I talk about what wife material really is.

I will see you next week. In the meantime, to yourselves and to others, tell the truth.

Recommended Reading About Intimacy in Marriage