Sex is an Emotional Need
A fulfilling sex life is not a bi-product of a successful marriage, it’s a necessary component of one. It’s not a special treat, a reward for good behaviour or a bargaining chip for favour. It’s an emotional need as valid as any other.
Sadly however, I keep hearing people parrot the assertion that sex isn’t actually a need because an individual can survive without it. Well, yes, I suppose in the same way a prisoner might survive a lifetime in solitary confinement, or a baby can survive without any skin on skin contact with her mother, sex isn’t technically a survival need. But is that really what we’re aiming for in marriage these days? To be satisfied we’re doing a good enough job because our spouses aren’t dead yet?
Another myth I want to dispel before we continue is the equally cold: “It’s not your job to make your partner happy.” Well, yes, to an extent, obviously. But that doesn’t mean you don’t have a responsibility to meet reasonable human needs that they can’t meet themselves. That’s a cop out, it’s meanspirited and it’s lazy.
Why has it become so socially acceptable not to care about being a great spouse? If we choose to become a husband or a wife, then surely we should be deeply interested and motivated to become the best spouse we possibly can be. We know that human beings are attachment creatures and that that doesn’t just apply to infants. Our partners behaviour towards us has major and measurable effects on our physiology, and that’s not a sign of weakness or co-dependency by the way, it’s adult attachment and it’s a well studied reality. When our reasonable needs aren’t met, we suffer.
So hopefully we’ve established that sex is indeed a valid emotional need and that it’s therefore not optional if you care about your spouse and want your marriage to survive.
OK, so the next logical questions is “Well how much sex, exactly, is enough?”. What if your husband or wife wants to have sex every day but you could take it or leave it. What then? How do you ensure that both of you are happy? Well, that’s the kind of reasonable and important question a truly healthy couple would be asking and one that I’m going to try to help you both answer in this article. But the short answer is this: At least as much as the higher desire spouse needs.
First a disclaimer: This video does not apply to those of you in abusive or sexually coercive relationships. It’s aimed towards couples who are physically able to have sex but are struggling with how much sex they are having in otherwise loving and emotionally mature marriages.
Mismatched Libidos is Normal
It’s completely normal for one spouse to have a higher desire for sex than the other. In fact, it’s extremely rare, after the first couple of years of a relationship anyway, for both partners to be completely satisfied with the amount of sex they’re having. So, this is a conversation you’re going to have to get comfortable with if you want to make your marriage work for both of you.
What we don’t want in this common scenario, is for the higher desire partner to feel too often rejected or frustrated, or for the lower desire partner to feel too often overwhelmed or pressured. This is where openness, empathy, communication, and ultimately compromise is key. What we can’t do is ignore the problem or hope it will resolve itself. It won’t. The avoidance of any type of problem in marriage, is always inherently dysfunctional. So, remember, like any other fundamentally important aspect of our relationships, sex must never be allowed to become the elephant in the room.
So, let’s begin with some basic truths. Some people need to feel emotionally connected to want sex, and others need sex to feel emotionally connected.
We must therefore accept that both sexual and emotional connection are equally valid needs, and we must develop our willingness to engage with our partners in whatever way that they need to feel connected.
But before we get to the practicalities, let’s make sure your spirit is in the right place, because mindset is everything in a successful marriage.
Generosity in Marriage
Let me introduce you, in case you’ve not heard it before, to the term ‘Communal Strength’. In marriage, “communal strength” refers to the motivation and responsibility individuals feel to respond to their spouse’s needs.
Unsurprisingly, a 2004 study found that individuals who exhibited high levels of communal strength also reported higher levels of marital satisfaction.(1) A 2006 study also found that not only were marriages that were high in communal strength also higher in marital satisfaction, but that both spouses had positive long term physical and mental health outcomes.(2)
So, generosity is very good for marriage. Please hold that thought, as we continue.
The ultimate goal here, is for sex to become as freely given and enjoyed as any other reasonable relationship need, which should of course also be abundantly provided and enjoyed. A marriage underpinned by this spirit of mutual generosity is a marriage that will become stronger and more fulfilling to both spouses over the course of their shared lives. But if you’re not quite there as a couple, then short of some sort of epiphany, you’re probably not going to get there overnight. It’s going to involve a process, so here goes.
Negotiating Sex in Marriage
As a starting point, and bear with me here: the lower desire spouse will need to become comfortable with having a little more sex than they might otherwise choose to, and the higher desire spouse will need to accept a slightly lower frequency of sex than they might prefer. This is obviously easier if the desire gap is minimal, and I’ll get to how that can be narrowed later, but for now you’ll need to find a frequency you can both agree to.
The way to determine this is for both of you to come up with ‘your number’ as follows:
The lower desire spouse will need to determine exactly how much sex they’re willing to commit to, over a given period. And the higher desire spouse will need to determine exactly how little sex they’re willing to tolerate over the same period. And just to be clear we’re talking about willing, not wanting; that comes later. Your numbers will provide a good starting point for negotiation and they will ensure you both know what you’re dealing with.
CASE 1 – THE GAP IS INSURMOUNTABLE
Serious problems obviously arise if the discrepancy between your numbers is unreconcilably large. For example, one partner is only willing to have sex once per month, or once per year, yikes, whilst the other feels unable to tolerate anything less than two times per week. As you can imagine, a couple like this are in trouble. To me this signals bigger problems in their marriage or with the individuals involved, than a simple issue of mismatched libidos.
If for example, the lower desire spouse has shut down sexually because the higher desire spouse is a complete dick, then this is obviously the more pressing issue to resolve, but unfortunately it’s beyond the scope of today’s video. But if that sounds like your situation, then there’s your actual problem.
If however, as is sadly often the case, the lower desire spouse won’t accept or doesn’t understand that meeting one of their spouse’s most important needs is crucial in order to maintain a loving bond, then perhaps more introspection, education or empathy might be required. If the thought of having to give your time, care, love and attention makes you angry, or if you think that you should only have to give the things you feel like giving, then I fear you might not be grasping the nature of true love.
Love is action after all, it‘s not just a feeling.
Or perhaps you aren’t taking good enough care of yourself. Maybe you feel over-stretched or overwhelmed. If that’s the case, then you need to focus on doing whatever you need to do to recover your balance to ensure you are available to those you love in whatever way they need you to be. Do this as though your health, sanity and ultimately the survival of your marriage depends on you doing so, because it probably does. Be kind to yourself and ask for as much support as you need, but don’t let this situation continue.
CASE 2 – THE GAP IS MANAGEABLE
If your numbers are relatively close, then it’s just a case of negotiating. The lower desire spouse can bring generosity to the table, and the higher desire spouse can bring patience and understanding. For example, one of you might declare that once a week would be ok whilst the other would struggle with anything less than three times per week. This should not be a difficult conversation; you could both simply agree to twice a week for now. In this case, sex may need to be scheduled, which might not sound too appealing I know, but scheduled sex is better than no sex. I’m just making numbers up here; the point is your sex life should be as open to discussion and negotiation as much as any other area of your lives which you wish to be successful.
You must learn to get used to talking about sex as freely as if you were discussing the family budget, meal plans, or the type of holiday you might like to go on. Practise makes perfect, so keep the conversation alive and renegotiate, preferably in the direction of more sex, as often as you need to. And again, this a temporary measure whilst you work towards sex becoming a free flowing and mutually enjoyable feature of your marriage.
The more openly you can discuss the topic and the less frustration either of you feel about it, the narrower the gap in desire between you will naturally become over time.
Remember also, to make sure the meeting of the lower desire spouse’s non sexual needs is also making a progressive rise. We want to create an upward spiral of intimacy, trust, generosity and therefore satisfaction in all areas of your marriage.
CASE 3 – THE GAP IS MINOR
If your numbers are or have become relatively close as a result of following my advice so far, then the lower desire spouse could then agree to become more receptive to their spouses attempts to initiate whenever the mood strikes. On occasions where they really don’t feel able to engage, they should be mindful to let their spouse down gently, with a promise to either initiate or be more receptive the following day. As a result. the higher desire partner will learn to take an occasional ‘no’ less personally, safe in the knowledge that ‘no’ only means ‘not tonight’ rather than for the unforeseeable and therefore torturous future.
As couples work through this process and become more relaxed it’s common to find the lower desire spouses interest naturally increases as a result of declining marital tension as the higher desire spouses frustration subsides. A close enough equilibrium can be found where neither partner is suffering. A couple like this will learn over time to anticipate each others moods and rhythms so there’s very rarely a rejected advance in the first place.
For example, in my own marriage I would only ever say no to my husband if there was a genuinely good reason. If I was exhausted after a late finish at work and immediate sleep was critical for me to function well the next day, I might say “Not tonight, but how about tomorrow? I know I will enjoy it way more then, do you think you can wait?” But my husband would know this anyway, so would rarely attempt to initiate under these circumstances. He’s more likely to bring me a cup of tea and have a chat to help me unwind for a good night’s sleep. The point is no-one feels rejected, no-one feels pressured, sex is generally freely given and saying ‘no’ on occasion is no big deal. That’s the goal.
If this all sounds too unrealistic or if you’re struggling to head in this direction at all, then there are of course plenty of other things you can both work on to increase your chances of success.
Increasing Sexual Desire in Marriage
If you want YOUR number to go UP:
- Make sure your health is a major priority in life. Ditch the booze, sugar and shitty food and get to the gym. Strength training and cardio are as important as each other.
- Eat clean, nutrient dense, high protein food and drink plenty of water.
- Reduce your stress levels as much as you can and make sure you get plenty of quality sleep.
- Stop taking any non-essential medications, especially those that might interfere with your mood, mental clarity or sexual well-being.
- Get your sex hormone levels checked and work out how to optimise them if they’re running low.
- If you consume pornography, stop. Seriously. Pornography is not a healthy addition to a marriage. No matter what ‘they’ say.
- Work on your self-esteem & confidence, get professional help if this is a major problem for you.
- Work towards resolving any relationship problems which are making it difficult for you to be sexual with your spouse.
- Work towards resolving any sexual, emotional or mental health problems you might be suffering from.
- Make a decision to become a more sex positive person and your body will follow.
If you want YOUR SPOUSE’S Number to go UP:
- Explain to your spouse exactly how and why a fulfilling sex life with them is so important to you.
- Do what you can to increase your attractiveness to your spouse. If you’re not sure what this might involve then ask them.
- Be fun, be playful, flirt with and pursue your spouse. Make them feel wanted and desired.
- Make sure you are doing your best to meet their reasonable nonsexual needs, and again, if you’re not sure what these are, then ask them.
- Increase the amount of emotional connection and non-sexual intimacy in your marriage.
- Make sure the sex you are having is enjoyable for your spouse.
- Encourage them to become as physically, emotionally and spiritually fit as possible.
- Challenge any behaviour you feel is interfering with their sexual vitality.
- If you have become bitter or resentful as a result of sex being an area of contention within your marriage then you must drop these feelings. Nobody wants to have sex with someone they feel disliked by. So, create a loving space in which they feel safe and welcome to move closer towards you at a realistic pace.
Sex is a Marker of Marital Health
You marital sex life is a strong marker of your marriages overall health. If it is neglected or abandoned, then your marriage will become vulnerable to sickness. So you must make a concerted effort to remain sexually fit and active for as long as you are both able.
If we want to feel fulfilled, and therefore like we are thriving in life, then we need to have enough of what we truly need. First, we ourselves must care to know what we truly need and want. Second, we must develop the courage to ask for our needs and desires to be taken seriously, and more importantly met, by those who are closest to us. We must also become willing to give at least as generously as we need to receive. This is because, relational fulfilment depends upon a two way, mutual exchange of loving service, which honours the unique requirements of the individuals involved.
These actions always expend energy, and they always require our time be given. They always demand that our attention be focused and that our intentions are good. But the wisest, most decent, and most sane of people understand that it is this effort rather than words, that makes the people they care about know that they are truly loved.
References:
(1) Mills, J., Clark, M. S., Ford, T. E., & Johnson, M. (2004). Measurement of communal strength. Personal Relationships, 11(2), 213–230.
(2) Bonnie M Le, Emily A Impett, Edward P Lemay, Amy Muise, Konstantin O Tskhay (2018) Communal Motivation and Well-Being in Interpersonal Relationships PMID: 29154556
