Why Sexless Marriages Hurt So Much
Sexless marriages are often dismissed as a minor inconvenience, but the peer-reviewed research tells a very different story. For men deprived of sex and affectionate touch in marriage, the consequences are measurable and serious: elevated stress hormones, weakened immune function, cardiovascular disease, depression, and a significantly higher risk of early death. As a relationship therapist specialising in sexless and low-intimacy marriages, I have spent years trying to understand why this form of suffering hurts men so deeply, and why the culture seems so unwilling to take it seriously. This article walks through the science layer by layer: touch deprivation, the adult attachment system, relational loneliness, learned helplessness, and the cultural silencing of male sexual expression.
This article is a summary of a longer piece I wrote. For the full clinical breakdown, see Why Sexless Marriages Hurt Men.
Laura How is a UK relationship therapist specialising in sexless marriage and female sexual desire in long-term relationships.
Sexless Marriage: Why It Happens and How to Rebuild Intimacy
Start here if intimacy has broken down in your marriage.
If intimacy has broken down in your marriage or is disappearing slowly, this is the place to start. Laura covers why it happens, what it does to both partners, and what actually works to fix it.
First, a quick disclaimer: nothing in this article argues for sex without full, genuine enthusiasm, and it is not intended as a tool to pressure or coerce anyone. The biology I am describing is real for any man in a sexless marriage, but the solution must always involve trust, safety, and mutual desire.
Men Are Sexual Beings
Newsflash: men are sexual beings. That is just a biological fact. You cannot separate a man from his sexuality any more than you can separate him from his heartbeat. It is not something he chose, and it is not something he can switch off.
Which means that for a man, a sexless marriage is not just a minor disappointment.
He cannot leave without losing everything he loves. He cannot stay and be whole. And he cannot go elsewhere without a shitstorm of pain and destruction. So, he is trapped. We know what happens to animals in captivity when they are prevented from expressing their natural behaviours, they deteriorate. ⁽¹⁾
Men, being living creatures themselves, are no different.
Sexless marriages are a form of captivity.
And multiple studies reveal exactly what happens physiologically to men deprived of sex in monogamy.
Sexless marriages are linked to depression and anxiety, elevated stress hormones, cardiovascular disease, a weakened immune system, and a significantly higher risk of early death. ⁽²⁾ ⁽³⁾ ⁽⁴⁾ So, you know, nothing trivial.
But today, I want to explore why. Why does the absence of something many people seem perfectly fine without cause such profound suffering in men?
So let us start with the body, and what touch deprivation, which is what this really is, does physiologically.
Touch Deprivation and the Skin Hunger Men Carry in Sexless Marriages
Touch deprivation is the term researchers use for what happens when human beings are chronically deprived of affectionate touch, you might have heard it called skin hunger. It is a documented physiological phenomenon, studied seriously for decades. ⁽⁵⁾
Dr. Tiffany Field at the Touch Research Institute has demonstrated this clearly: without regular affectionate touch, cortisol levels rise while oxytocin and serotonin decline, resulting in measurably higher anxiety, depression, and chronic stress. ⁽⁵⁾
We first observed this in premature infants. Babies held skin to skin in the NICU develop faster and leave hospital sooner. ⁽⁶⁾ Nobody argues that babies need touch. We just accept it as fact.
That same biology does not switch off at eighteen. Or fifty.
After years of touch deprivation, I hear men say the same thing. “I do not even need it to be sexual anymore. I just want her to put a hand on my shoulder. Something. Anything.” That is not a man asking for meaningless sexual gratification. That is a man describing chronic emotional pain.
But the need for touch and sexual closeness goes beyond the physical, it is neurological.
The Adult Attachment System and Why Sexual Rejection Hits So Hard
Psychologist John Bowlby established that humans are wired for attachment, and subsequent research has shown that need continues across the entire lifespan, from the cradle to the grave. Adults need secure attachment just as much as infants do. ⁽⁷⁾
In a committed relationships, this attachment is most powerfully expressed through physical and sexual intimacy. ⁽⁸⁾
For most men, sex is not primarily about physical release. It is about feeling accepted, valued, and chosen. ⁽⁹⁾ So prolonged sexual rejection destabilises his sense of emotional security. ⁽¹⁰⁾
When that connection is chronically absent, men experience a persistent low-level agitation, a sense that something is fundamentally wrong. It is their attachment system sending a very clear signal: you are not wanted.
I have heard countless women dismiss their husbands’ needs as childish or trivial. Rather than recognizing legitimate suffering, they say things like, “You are a man, you can handle it,” or roll their eyes and tell him to “take a cold shower.”
The truth is, and many women genuinely do not realize this, they are hurting their men.
And so, over time, many of them simply stop trying and withdraw, they become less present, less generous and more irritable. And so she pulls further away, which makes everything worse. A vicious cycle is born that neither of them knows how to break.
Next, we come to the reality of living like this day to day.
Relational Loneliness: The Prolonged Torture of a Sexless Marriage
Being alone is painful. But living with someone who does not want you is worse.
Decades of loneliness research show that the most damaging form of loneliness is relational loneliness. The isolation of being in a relationship where you do not feel loved. ⁽¹¹⁾ When you are alone, you know why you feel lonely. When you are lying next to someone who does not want you, the person you love most, the sense of rejection is devastating.
A man in a sexless marriage is living with a woman he is sexually attracted to. He sees her naked, he lies next to her in bed, he remembers how they used to be. Her proximity activates the exact neurological systems and primal urges that intimacy would normally satisfy. Yet night after night he is turned away. The gap between them might as well be a thousand miles.
The message he receives is loud and clear, I do not want you. Your needs are not my problem. Leave me alone.
This is literally psychological torture.
In fact, many men tell me they would rather be alone. Because at least then, nobody is actively communicating that they do not matter every single day.
Over time the damage turns inward until it becomes an existential crisis.
Learned Helplessness and the Slow Destruction of a Man’s Vitality
The word libido comes from the Latin, it means desire, but more than that, it means lust for life. The drive toward vitality, creativity & connection.
You cannot disconnect a man from his sexuality without disconnecting him from his vitality. ⁽¹²⁾
The cruel irony is that when that same desire becomes a source of constant suffering, his sex drive becomes a curse.
I have heard countless men say they are desperate for a pill to switch it off. And of course, pills that suppress desire do exist: antidepressants, opiates, benzos. They work. But they do not just switch off the sexual drive, they switch off the rest of him with it.
Most men do not give up. They keep showing up, for the marriage, the kids, work. They suggest therapy, try harder, do more. But they are compromised and exhausted.
Why anyone would knowingly hobble their spouse in this way is beyond me.
For others it is just too much. When they conclude they have no control over something vital in their lives, they enter a state psychologists call learned helplessness. They stop hoping for change. They stop engaging emotionally. They switch to autopilot, just going through the motions. ⁽¹³⁾ But they are not truly living.
When sex dies, so too does the marriage. ⁽¹²⁾ And to a greater or lesser degree, so does the man. That is what we are talking about here. The unravelling of a man.
But there is one final layer we need to discuss. A cultural one.
The Enforced Silence: Why Men in Sexless Marriages Are Not Allowed to Speak
On top of everything I have described, he is suffering inside a culture that offers him no permission to speak.
He is told that expressing desire is pressure. That voicing frustration is coercion. That wanting his wife is somehow unreasonable. He goes to therapy and is told to do more, be more present, try harder. And he does. And nothing changes.
The phrase “is that all you think about” is deployed like a weapon. And he learns quickly there is no acceptable way to express what he is feeling. So to keep the peace he pretends to be ok. Year after year. Every outlet closed, not just physically, but culturally and emotionally too.
Psychologist James Pennebaker showed that chronic emotional suppression is itself physiologically costly, it elevates stress hormones, weakens immune function, and compounds psychological distress. ⁽¹⁴⁾
And psychologist Daniel Wegner showed that when people are prohibited from expressing a feeling, it does not diminish. It intensifies, sometimes to the point of obsession. ⁽¹⁵⁾ This is why when sex is present in a marriage it takes up a fraction of its emotional energy, but when it is absent, it dominates everything. Its absence becomes all there is. It is the attachment system screaming ‘do something about this!’.
We have spent years telling men their mental health problems come from not talking. And yet here is a man with a profound, documented, legitimate source of suffering, and when he tries to talk about it, he is shut down from all angles. What a thing to do to a person.
How It All Ties Together: Why Sexless Marriages Destroy Men
So here is how it all ties together.
A man in a sexless marriage is not just going without a luxury like a new car or a holiday.
Every corner of his inner world is at war with itself.
His attachment system bonds him to a woman who signals she does not want him. Her proximity activates natural urges that will not be satisfied. His masculine energy is a source of constant pain from which there is no relief. And his emotional state is one he is not allowed to express without punishment.
Evolution did not give him the equipment to handle this kind of torment.
This is why we see the heart disease, the depression, the weakened immune function, the shorter life. ⁽³⁾ ⁽¹⁶⁾ It is despair. And research consistently shows that despair drives exactly these outcomes. ⁽¹⁶⁾
Which is itself a testament to the resilience of the men who manage to keep functioning in the face of it.
I have had 30,000 comments on this channel and this one is the most liked of all time:
“Sexless marriages don’t hurt men, they destroy us. Completely.”
So, you tell me. Is he being hyperbolic, or do you think maybe he has a point?
If anything in this article has resonated and you would like to talk to someone, I have an excellent masculinity therapist on my team called Zac. He works with men on exactly these issues, and teaches them how to face them with courage. You can book Zac >> HERE
Also, let me know in the comments if you have experienced any of these feelings yourself.
In the meantime, to yourself and to others, tell the truth.
IS YOUR MARRIAGE IN CRISIS?
Book a 1-Day COUPLES Intensive with me
Laura How
Relationship Counsellor & Coach
Recommended Reading About Intimacy in Marriage
His Needs, Her Needs
‘This book will educate you in the care of your spouse,’ explains Dr Willard Harley. ‘Once you have learned its lessons, your spouse will find you irresistible, a condition that’s essential to a happy and successful marriage.’
This fresh and highly entertaining book identifies the ten most important needs within marriage for husbands and wives. It teaches you how to fulfil each other’s needs. Couples who find each other irresistible during the early years of their marriage may become incompatible if they fail to meet these central needs. According to Dr Harley, the needs of men and women are similar, but their priorities are vastly different.
Are you able to identify which of the following needs are his and which are hers? In what order would you place them? Admiration, Affection, An attractive spouse, Conversation, Domestic support, Family commitment, Financial support, Honesty and openness, Recreational companionship, Sexual fulfilment.
The Passionate Marriage
Passionate Marriage has long been recognized as the pioneering book on intimate human relationships. Now with a new preface by the author, this updated edition explores the ways we can keep passion alive and even reach the height of sexual and emotional fulfillment later in life. Acclaimed psychologist David Schnarch guides couples toward greater intimacy with proven techniques developed in his clinical practice and worldwide workshops. Chapters―covering everything from understanding love relationships to helpful “tools for connections” to keeping the sparks alive years down the road―provide the scaffolding for overcoming sexual and emotional problems. This inspirational book is sure to help couples invigorate their relationships and reach the fullest potential in their love lives.
The Sex-Starved Marriage
Bring the spark back into your bedroom and your relationship with gutsy and effective advice from bestselling author Michele Weiner Davis. It is estimated that one of every three married couples struggles with problems associated with mismatched sexual desire. If you want to stop fighting about sex and revitalize your intimate connection with your spouse, then you need this book. In “The Sex-Starved Marriage,” bestselling author Michele Weiner Davis will help you understand why being complacent or bitter about ho-hum sex might cost you your relationship. Full of moving first-hand accounts from couples who have struggled with the erosion of sexual desire and rebuilt their passionate connection, “The Sex-Starved Marriage” addresses every aspect of the sexual libido problem.
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