Sexless Marriage Questions: 30 Real Questions From Husbands and Wives, Answered

Your sexless marriage questions, answered

To celebrate 50,000 subscribers, I went through your comments and answered 30 real sexless marriage questions. Half came from husbands, half from wives. Same marriage, opposite sides of the bed.

Some of these are uncomfortable. That’s fine. They need talking about. You’ll find questions on how much sex is enough, desire, pressure, menopause, porn, lost attraction, and whether intimacy can actually come back. My answers are short, and based on the little I know from each comment, so please read them in that spirit.

They’re in the order I answered them in the video, so you can read along, or use the contents to jump to the ones that sound like your marriage. If you want the bigger picture first, start with my guide to sexless marriage: why it happens and how to rebuild intimacy.

I like this question. I was actually thinking about it on a walk the other day.

I am, essentially, the very heartbroken child of divorced parents. My parents divorced when I was 11, and I can still remember where we were when they told us. I can’t overstate how devastated I was.

So the quest of my life has been to work out how to do marriage well. What on earth does a good marriage actually look like? That’s why I exist. I don’t want many children to go through what I went through. There you go, in a nutshell.

That’s an easy one. Once a week. That’s broadly what the studies tell us too: research on more than 30,000 people found wellbeing rises with sexual frequency up to about once a week, then levels off.

Think about how little time that actually takes, depending on how long you last, and compare it with the amount of exercise we’re encouraged to do every week. It’s not much, is it?

For a deeper look, read how much sex is enough in marriage.

Really good question. Stay attractive. Stay interesting. Keep growing, keep being curious about life, keep developing yourself. Do that, and you’ll probably just stay attractive to one another. That’s certainly been my experience.

I don’t think anybody gets married to end up as roommates. Go back and talk to your younger self, the one about to get married. They weren’t dreaming of a roommate arrangement.

It’s a defeatist question. Marriage isn’t roommates. That’s not the deal. So just don’t do that. It’s a bad idea. (More on this in marriage is a sexual relationship.)

That’s a very sad situation.

If you’ve clearly and honestly expressed your feelings, many times, and nothing changes, I’d be seriously considering the end. I wouldn’t want to feel lonely and stuck for decades. I care about myself too much for that.

But if, for whatever reason, I’d decided I didn’t want to leave, I’d start looking for connection elsewhere. Not to cheat, in any way. To find joy, interest and pleasure. I’d find a way of living that meant I felt well outside the marriage. And I’d be honest about it. I’d tell my spouse that’s what I was doing. At that point, I think that’s fair game.

I’d probably say: what a strange position to take. And I’d be curious about what happened to them that they feel so compelled to make that claim.

There are all sorts of things we don’t need. You don’t need a candlelit dinner. You don’t need an anniversary card, a holiday, or date nights. But that’s not the route to fulfilment, to thriving, to wellbeing, is it? If all any of us ever did was the bare minimum, we’d all be miserable.

Honestly, I find that stance mean-spirited. What happened to you along the way that you feel you have to make claims like that about human wellbeing? (I’ve written about this myth in sex is not a need.)

I don’t think healthy people do hate sex, or see it as a chore. I think they see it as a pillar of relational health. A pillar of human health, actually. So no, they’re not hating it.

Yes, of course they do. Generous people exist; that’s a fact. Maybe fewer and fewer, and you might have to work to spot them, but they’re out there.

I’m a sexually generous woman. In fact, I’m not even sure it counts as generous, because a huge part of why I show up for sex is that I enjoy it. Short answer: yes. And finding one for yourself is a very good idea. (See becoming a sexually generous wife.)

(Yes, that really is the username.)

No. I wouldn’t suggest that at all. It wouldn’t be a pleasant experience for you, or for the person you’d be inflicting it on.

What I would suggest is working out what happened to you that makes you feel so negatively about sex, and about your partner. That needs serious attention.

Again, I’d be very curious about what’s going on there. And I’d keep having that conversation, over and over, until we both had real clarity. Because that’s not a good situation for either of you.

No effort at all? I’d be really curious about that, and I’d keep raising it as an issue between us. Effort has to go both ways. That’s reciprocity. It’s giving. It’s sacrifice. We’re called to make sacrifices for one another.

So what’s happening there? Is he drinking too much? Is he avoidant? Is he up to something he shouldn’t be? Why is he making no effort?

Then the last part: wanting to feel loved without any pressure. That doesn’t quite add up for me, because you are putting pressure on him, and rightly so. He has a responsibility to make an effort. But arguably there’s a responsibility the other way too.

That’s what I see in my practice all the time. Each person waits for the other to go first. So nothing happens. No marriage, no connection, no relationship. So yes, there is pressure. That’s part of it.

Well, you don’t know how it’s going to come off. You put it in an email or a WhatsApp, or whatever you use, and you press send.

As for it not coming off wrong, you’ve just got to let the chips fall where they may. That’s the nature of relationships, I’m afraid. There’s always risk. We never know how we’ll be received. So just do it, and see how it goes. (If she shuts the conversation down, read how to talk to your wife when she shuts you down.)

That’s lovely to hear. But it depends what you mean by libido.

I think of libido as life force. Energy, drive, lust for life. So be curious about why you don’t have that. For me, it isn’t just a feeling in my body about having sex. That’s not how I experience my own sex drive at all. It’s my whole outlook on life, and the energy I have for it.

For me, that looks like:

• amazing sleep and phenomenal self-care
• running every other day, and lifting weights every other day
• being careful about what I eat: no processed food
• no garbage media (I’m too sensitive), and not too much information, because it fries my brain
• not working too hard
• keeping all my relationships in good order
• spending huge amounts of time in nature, doing loads of things I love

I’ve essentially designed a life that honours and nurtures who I am. That’s why I have good energy. So start with the basics. Look after yourself. Your libido will follow.

The first thing that strikes me: if you’re not interested in something and somebody else is, their interest can land as pressure. But as I’ve said before, relationships put pressure on all of us.

We all have to work out where that line is. I’d argue that asking for something clearly and respectfully is healthy, not unhealthy. Think about how often you’re asking, too. But what’s happening with sex is a perfectly healthy question for a couple to be asking.

The pressure she feels may have more to do with whatever is making her disinterested in sex in the first place. That’s a big part of the story.

We all need to develop an inner authority about how we feel about sex. Not just in general, but in each experience, each interaction. We have to become really clear within ourselves about what feels like a yes and what feels like a no.

Being able to say no is part of being sexually healthy. So if you feel guilted into something, take that seriously. Be curious about it and explore it.

How do you approach it? Just approach it. Talk about it. Work out what’s going on, and get clear with yourself and with him. If I don’t want to do something, I want to be able to say so clearly.

That’s a statement, not a question, but I’m sorry. It’s very hard living with someone who gets defensive whenever you try to talk about something.

So, have you named it? Something like: “I notice that whenever I try to discuss something with you, you seem to experience it as a personal attack. I’m curious what that’s about.” And if you get the same reaction: “I can see that’s upset you. But I’m still curious. Why do you respond like that?”

Keep doing that, and don’t give up until you’ve succeeded. That’s how relationships get healthy. (More in walking on eggshells around your wife.)

That’s not how marriage is supposed to be. Marriage is supposed to be reciprocal and mutually generous. We’re supposed to take the very best care of each other.

It sounds like you need professional help, too. I’d be bringing somebody into the marriage. If you don’t have friends or family you trust enough to share the details with, I’d strongly suggest reaching out for professional support.

Medical support, obviously. If you haven’t already, see a health practitioner who can explain what’s going on and what treatment options there are.

The other suggestion is to talk about the pain. Where is it, exactly? What is she experiencing? That’s something to work through together, and it might even bring you closer. Are there other things you can start doing that don’t cause her pain?

Adapting is really what you’re being called to do. That’s part of ageing, isn’t it? We all have to adapt in all sorts of ways. Good luck. (See also menopause and marriage.)

That’s a conversation. Not an argument, surely.

Menopause is a big change, and we all feel very differently about how we’ll navigate it. So talk to your wife and keep the conversation open. Research it together. See practitioners together. Get advice from people who know more about it than you do. Be a team. Collaborate.

I relate to that. I put on weight after we had our son, Charlie. I didn’t like it either. It was rubbish. And I didn’t much feel like intimacy.

So I went on a quest. We bought me a road bike, I got seriously fit, and I’ve stayed relatively fit since. I highly recommend it. Self-care. Face the problem. Learn to look after yourself better, because it feels good. Really, you deserve it.

Good question, and I don’t fully know. Did she change? Do you mean because she’s a mum now, or because she’s gained weight? Why have you lost attraction?

I once had a client whose wife had gained a lot of weight, and he was so worried about telling her that he started to find himself more interested in other women. So I’d suggest honesty. If there’s a fixable reason you’ve lost attraction, discuss it, however difficult that is. That’s a really mature conversation.

We’re sensitive creatures, and attraction does change depending on what the person we’re with is up to. It’s the same with our children: if they start behaving badly, you don’t quite like them as much, do you?

And if nothing has actually changed, I’d be curious about what’s going on for you that you don’t find your wife attractive anymore. That’s the work of being human: being curious, reflecting, considering. It’s difficult, but that’s the task.

I haven’t made that video, but I can talk about it. It does very similar things to women as it does to men, if not exactly the same.

I’ve had female clients whose husbands weren’t interested in sex, and it’s devastating. It drives them somewhat crazy. It damages their self-esteem. They feel trapped and powerless. They grieve. They’re often enraged, with very strong feelings of anger towards their partner.

In my experience, women are more comfortable expressing that than men are, certainly in therapy. Men tend to be more apologetic, almost anxious that they’re not entitled to feel it. Women are more willing to express the raw suffering it causes them. And it is profound.

That is depressing. What’s going on for your wife that she’s so unwilling, or unable, to meet you sexually that she’s prepared to open that can of worms?

If that’s where you are, your marriage is in serious trouble. I wouldn’t consider it a healthy choice, and I’m not sure how it fits within the contract of a marriage. I certainly wouldn’t be open to anything like that.

It sounds like you both need help. I’d caution you not to do it, because how that plays out for you both, psychologically and emotionally, however you describe it and whether you call your marriage open or not, is unknown.

Honestly? I probably wouldn’t. That would be a deal breaker for me.

Everybody feels differently, and I seem to be a radical… what would you call it, a puritan? But I believe monogamy and fidelity exclude all of that. So no, I wouldn’t suggest you do. That’s a serious conversation. What’s going on that he thinks that’s acceptable in a monogamous relationship? (Read why porn is bad for marriage.)

Again: curiosity. Why is she reluctant? Is she scared? That would be understandable. Resistance is human. It’s usually fear, and it’s usually self-protection.

So it’s a conversation. A gentle, compassionate, loving one. What’s going on? Why are you so apprehensive? Yes, at the start it might be painful and challenging, but the outcome will be healing, and who doesn’t ultimately want to heal? What’s the fear? What is she protecting? Good luck.

Of course it’s possible. With enough care, determination and courage. You need a load of courage to heal.

I think people give up too easily because things are difficult. That’s not the hero’s journey. You have to keep going.

You can take breaks. I’m a big fan of a break. My own healing journey has been long, and I’ve taken plenty: some for months, some probably for a year. But then I go back to it. It’s intuitive. It’s a relationship with that part of your life.

We’re all healing. We’ve all been hurt by the world. So keep your heart in a good place, live in a way that keeps it topped up, take breaks if you need to, but don’t give up. And yes, I’m an optimist about this. You can heal anything. Stick with it.

That’s for you to decide.

When you say destroy, what do you mean? Take the kids? Take your money? In what way would you be destroyed? Because staying with somebody who would do that to you probably has massively destructive qualities too.

So the task is deciding which form of destruction is better. I know that’s not a great answer, but it’s a rock and a hard place, and we’ve all been there. Self-care means making an informed choice. It’s that Jordan Peterson thing: you’re going to have to make a sacrifice. You won’t get away without one. So pick.

Personally, I wouldn’t stay with someone I felt didn’t have my best interests at heart. I know I wouldn’t, because I’ve ended incredibly important relationships to protect myself. But the decision is yours. Good luck. (See also trapped in an unhappy marriage.)

Why the ED? Is it psychological, or a health issue? It’s a similar thing to menopause: when we go through these changes, we have to work out how to treat them.

So I’d be curious, and I’d be insistent about having conversations. Is he healthy? Is he eating too much? Is he stressed? Is something going on between you? Is it performance anxiety? If it were Russell and me, I’d be on his case. Is he running? Is he taking good care of himself? Is there anything we can do? That’s what I’d suggest.

Yes, Alfred, it is. Definitely.

A sexy marriage is very good for wives, so why wouldn’t a sexless one be bad for them? It is. The wives in sexless marriages often seem disconnected. Often on their phones. Sometimes medicated. Not looking after themselves particularly well. Often overworked.

I don’t know which comes first. Did the way we live now, stressed, unavailable, checked out, overwhelmed, medicated, eating badly, cause the sexlessness? Or did sexlessness and disconnection lead to all that? That’s the chicken and the egg.

That’s why this channel exists. Sexless marriages are bad for wives. They’re bad for kids, too; kids aren’t having a nice time. They’re bad for society. They’re bad for everybody.

Julie’s referring to the Good Wife Club, and yes, I’ve started it. There’s a Good Wife Club and a Good Husband Club.

They’re communities of like-minded people who care about the health of their marriages, asking questions like the ones in this Q&A and getting feedback from each other. Both are very loving and very warm. We meet once a month, and the meetings are incredible. I can’t believe how open, honest and eager the discussions are about creating marriages that are mutually fulfilling, sane, stable and secure.

If you’d like to make your marriage a saner, healthier, more fun place to be, you’d be very welcome. Hope to see you there soon.

Thank you for 50,000. It’s beyond my wildest dreams. Watching the first thousand subscribers arrive was, honestly, a nightmare. Now we’re halfway to that play button, and I can’t wait to see it behind me. Please keep the questions coming. I love thinking about them, and answering them.