Walking on Eggshells Around Your Wife? Start Telling the Truth

How to Stop Self-Censoring and Find Your Voice in Your Marriage

Walking on eggshells around your wife, too frightened to bring up your sex life, or anything else that might set her off? A relationship therapist on why so many husbands end up self-censoring and disappearing in their own marriages, why it isn’t your fault, and five steps to reclaim yourself and start telling the truth.

Laura How is a UK relationship therapist specialising in sexless marriage and sexual desire in long-term relationships.

What Does Walking on Eggshells in a Marriage Look Like?

So many men in sexless marriages are walking on eggshells around their wives. Locked in a sort of avoidance dance. She avoids sex. He avoids bringing it up.

I hear it constantly from the men I work with. There’s absolutely no way they can discuss their sex life with their wives. She’ll either brush it off as trivial, or get angry and accuse him of pressuring her. Either way nothing changes. So, they say nothing.

And it isn’t just about sex. They don’t say anything that might set her off. They learn to self-censor, read her moods, and scurry about trying to make everything just right for her. Eventually they collapse into her way of doing things and all but disappear.

If any of that sounds familiar, then this article is for you. I’m going to explain what’s happening, why you need to stop it, and how to find your voice again.

A quick disclaimer: if your wife is abusive to the extent that you’re genuinely frightened for your safety, nothing here applies. Get proper support instead. If you’re not sure where the line is, my article on emotional safety may help.

Is It Your Fault If You’re Walking on Eggshells Around Your Wife?

Somebody who puts the people around them on edge, and seems perfectly OK with doing so, is not an emotionally healthy person.

And I’m not talking about someone who occasionally loses their temper, or who’s grumpy or withdrawn after an argument.

I’m talking about somebody whose moods dictate the atmosphere of the household. Everyone knows when they’re unhappy, everyone adjusts their behaviour, and nobody wants to be the one who sets them off.

And very often it’s selective. She’ll be perfectly charming to the postman, and then the moment the door closes she’s frosty with you. So, it’s not that she can’t regulate her emotions. It’s that she’s decided she doesn’t need to for you.

And, assuming you’re not being an arsehole, which we’ll come back to, that’s on her. You didn’t cause it and it isn’t your job to fix it. You certainly shouldn’t ever dread putting your key in your own front door.

How Do You Lose Yourself in a Marriage?

What happens over time is that you get swallowed up by this dynamic. Your intention might have been to be kind and to protect her feelings, but it’s led to enmeshment. You spend so much time reading her moods and trying to regulate how she feels that you stop asking yourself what you think, and what you want. Eventually you’re just an extension of her mood.

And when you lose yourself, you lose your self-respect.

Because they’re thinking, hang on a minute, who on earth do you think you’re talking to? I’m a human being. I have value. And this is my home too.

So, it’s critical to reclaim yourself. And here’s how to do that, in five steps.

How Do You Stop Walking on Eggshells? Five Steps to Reclaim Yourself

1. Get Your Own House in Order

Before you go picking any fights, make sure you’re not doing anything that undermines your own integrity. So, lying, porn, gambling, drinking heavily, being moody yourself. You’re not going to develop healthy self-esteem if you feel ashamed of yourself.

And be honest with yourself. I’ve had men describe walking on eggshells, only to discover that they’re treating their wives with contempt too. So do a little introspection before making this all her fault. The rest of this article assumes you already have.

2. Find Your Fu*k It Fairy

You’re going to have to find the part of you that’s willing to cause a bit of trouble.

My mother used to say I had something in me she called the Fuck It Fairy. A part of me that knew something I was about to do was going to cause trouble, but did it anyway. It just feels like living to me. In fact, my YouTube channel wouldn’t exist without the Fuck It Fairy.

Anyway, you have to find your own inner Fuck It Fairy. Think Tyler Durden from Fight Club, or whatever works for you. A version of yourself with a bit more backbone.

What would he say to your wife about your sex life? Would he pace and rehearse and fret and worry about the best moment to bring it up? Or would he just say what he thinks and how he feels, directly and unapologetically?

I know this all sounds easy, but of course, in reality, it isn’t. So, if you’d like some support, come and join my Good Husband Club. It’s a lovely community of men helping each other through situations exactly like this, and plenty more besides. There’s a monthly meeting with me, a peer support meeting with my husband Russ, and we’re both in the forums most days. And if you’re a woman reading this, there’s a club for wives too.

3. Speak Up

Everything I’m saying applies to any subject, of course, but sex is uniquely difficult. And the reason is that culture has convinced men that they aren’t allowed to say, I’m unhappy about our sex life.

And it’s convinced women that’s pressure and male entitlement.

Well, I’m calling bullshit on that.

You’re not bashing her over the head and dragging her back to your cave. You’re not saying, “you have to give me sex”. All you’re saying is:

“This matters to me, and we’re going to talk about it.”

And that’s a legitimate conversation that you have every right to have. And if you don’t believe that yourself, that’s part of the problem.

Wanting a sexual connection with your wife is healthy and normal, and being upset when it’s missing is completely reasonable.

So, speak up. Don’t rehearse, don’t overthink it, and don’t be terrified of saying the wrong thing. Just say how you feel. Nobody can argue with how you feel. (If you want more on the conversation itself, I’ve written about how to talk to your wife when she shuts you down.)

Well, I say that. But of course, she will argue. So, let’s move on.

4. Let Her Be Upset

The task here is for you to learn to be OK with her reaction.

She’s upset anyway, so you might as well get comfortable with it.

People say to me all the time, we should be able to have this conversation. And I think, why would you think that?

People are difficult. People are frightened. People are lazy. They don’t want to be challenged, and they don’t want to change.

Why do you think this stuff should be easy? It’s not going to be easy. She’s not going to make it easy for you.

She might cry. She might shout. She might not speak to you for days. That’s all the stuff you’ve spent years trying to avoid. And she knows it works, which is why she does it.

But what are you going to do? Carry on avoiding temper tantrums for the next thirty years?

5. Draw a Line in the Sand

All you’re saying, really, is this.

“This is my life. I’m a man. And one of the things I love is sex. And I want to have it with you. We agreed we’d be doing that together, so why aren’t we?

And if I’m part of the problem, then tell me, because I deserve to know.

But we’re going to be talking about it.

It isn’t weird and it isn’t pressure or entitlement. It’s just part of who I am.”

Ultimately, of course, if she won’t discuss it at all, ever, then at some point compatibility has to come into the conversation.

But either way, you have to speak.

Why Does Speaking Up Matter So Much for Your Self-Respect?

Because your relationship with yourself matters too. You have a duty of care to yourself, and I genuinely can’t imagine liking yourself while continually refusing to say difficult things simply because other people don’t want to hear them. That is a certain pathway to the death of your own soul.

And the opposite is true as well. You do difficult things, you get stronger, and you respect yourself more and more.

That’s where living happens. And if you’ve got children, by the way, the best way to teach them about courage is to demonstrate it yourself.

Will Your Wife Respect You More If You Stop Walking on Eggshells?

Don’t be surprised if your wife finds herself more attracted to you. You’re asking her to be vulnerable with you, and she’ll find that far easier if she can see your honesty and integrity too. She’ll feel much more secure with a man who isn’t pussyfooting around her.

Why Are So Many Men Afraid to Speak Up?

There’s no doubt in my mind that part of the reason we’ve ended up where we are culturally is that people are too frightened to say what they actually think. We see things we think are wrong or completely mad, and keep our mouths shut because speaking has become more frightening than going along with it.

And men in particular have been told, in a hundred different ways, that the decent thing to do is sit down, shut up, don’t upset anybody and don’t you dare challenge women.

And that’s quite easy to achieve because most men care deeply about women. They don’t want to see us hurt or upset. And I think that instinct has been exploited.

We hear constantly about male power, male entitlement, male dominance and patriarchy.

Well, that is not what I see walking through my door.

What I routinely see are marriages where the wife is in charge, and decent men are so frightened of rocking the boat that they daren’t say what they think in their own kitchens.

Obviously, that hasn’t been good for men. But I don’t think it’s been good for women either. And I certainly don’t think it’s producing healthy marriages, healthy children or a particularly healthy society.

Men used to be expected to stand up when something wasn’t right. To challenge things. To protect things. To say, no, this is madness and I’m not going along with it.

And I think we need some of that back. So stop being frightened of speaking. Not in the world, and certainly not in your own marriage.

Be decent. Be loving. Be willing to listen and willing to change. But don’t disappear.

Say what you think, say what you see, and stand up when something isn’t right.

That’s how you make your marriage, and the world, a saner, kinder, safer place to be.

Work with Us

If you need some support with any of the topics raised in today’s article, you can reach out to me or my team and we will be happy to help you.

Take the Work Further

If you’d like some support putting this into practice — finding the words, or untangling what’s built up between you — that’s exactly what the Good Wife Club and the Good Husband Club are for. A monthly live call with me, a private space to ask your questions, and a group of people building the same kind of marriage. Founding member places are open now.

And if you found this article helpful, you might also enjoy why marriage is, and should be, a sexual relationship.

Let me know your thoughts in the comments.

In the meantime, to yourself and to others, tell the truth.

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