Sexual Fitness: Why Your Sex Life Needs Effort Too

Sexual Fitness: Why Your Sex Life Needs Effort, Just Like Your Body

A relationship therapist on what sexual fitness is, why a healthy sex life in marriage takes the same effort as physical fitness, what happens to your libido and your marriage when you neglect it, why it isn’t about having sex you don’t want, and how to start building your sexual fitness with a free check-up.

Laura How is a UK relationship therapist specialising in sexless marriage and sexual desire in long-term relationships.

Sexual fitness is something I talk about with couples all the time. Let’s start with four questions about your sex life.

• Does your sexuality feel like a good thing?
• When your libido dips, do you work to get it back?
• Do you make time for affection, intimacy and sex?
• Does your partner’s sexual fulfilment matter to you?

If any of those made you uncomfortable, or you’re not quite sure how you’d answer, there might be something worth looking at. Because these are all aspects of something I call sexual fitness.

In this article I’ll explain what sexual fitness is, why it takes effort, and why it’s one of the best things you can invest in, for yourself and for your marriage.

First, a quick disclaimer. This only applies to marriages that feel safe, stable and loving. If yours doesn’t, this isn’t for you.

What Is Sexual Fitness? (It’s Not About How Often You Have Sex)

Sexual fitness is your ability to enjoy a healthy sexual life, physically, emotionally and psychologically. And it’s something you build and maintain through care and effort.

It isn’t about how often you have sex, how horny you are, or whether your body performs like it did when you were twenty-five. (Researchers have found something similar: in one large study, wellbeing rose with sexual frequency only up to about once a week, then levelled off.)

It’s about how you feel about sex. Whether you consider it a positive part of life. How much of a priority you make it. Whether you can discuss it openly with your partner. Whether you’re honest and above board. And whether you’re enjoying it.

Because that’s the point. To feel good in yourself, enjoy your body, connect and bond meaningfully with your partner, and experience joy.

Sexual Fitness vs Physical Fitness: Why a Healthy Sex Life Takes Effort

Of course, sexual fitness isn’t the only thing that matters in a marriage. Psychological fitness matters just as much, and there’s no shortage of people talking about it. But somehow we’ve got this idea that if you get all of that right, your sex life will take care of itself, without any effort whatsoever.

No. No it won’t.

We understand this perfectly well when it comes to physical fitness. If you want to feel strong, energetic, clear-headed and capable, you’re going to have to put some effort into your physical health. How you eat. How you sleep. What you put into your body, and what you don’t. Strength training, cardio. It all adds up. But it takes deliberate effort, day after day.

And physical fitness responds proportionally to the effort you put in. If you half-arse it, you’re going to get half-arsed results. Personally, I love how it feels to be physically fit, so I’m prepared to do what the unfit majority can’t be bothered to do.

Sexual fitness follows exactly the same logic.

Libido Is Life Force: Why Sexual Desire Matters for You

It’s a powerful feeling to be sexual. To know and embrace the fact that “I’m a sexual being, and that’s a good thing.”

And libido doesn’t just mean sex drive. It’s also life force. A positive, vibrant energy that flows through everything. It makes you feel confident, playful, powerful and desirable. It’s a spark in your eye and a lust for life. A joie de vivre. You can see it immediately in people, and in couples who have it.

But again, it’s not luck and it’s not free. If you want those qualities and benefits, you have to put effort into that part of your life too. That means making time for affection, intimacy and sex. It means being curious when your desire drops (here’s more on not being in the mood). It means organising your life so that your sexual fitness doesn’t suffer.

We are physical beings whose bodies are designed to move, climb and carry, and our health suffers when we don’t do those things. We lose strength, stamina and mobility, and everyday activities become harder and less enjoyable.

But we’re sexual beings too, designed to pursue and enjoy sexual connection, orgasms and pleasure. It’s in our nature. And make no mistake, sex is central to marriage. It doesn’t just solidify the bond with our spouse in the honeymoon phase; it sustains it long-term. It’s what ensures we remain lovers, not room mates.

What Happens to a Marriage When You Neglect Your Sexual Fitness

So why would we imagine we can neglect that part of ourselves without consequences?

When we neglect our sexual fitness, it isn’t just sex and orgasms we’re missing out on. We lose some of that life force in ourselves. The colour and sparkle that come with a sensual life, the humour, music and playfulness that make us feel fully alive in our bodies. Fully human.

And your marriage suffers too. Obviously it does. Flirting grinds to a halt, hugs and kisses become forced and platonic, conversations about sex become fraught with tension, and eventually that miserable cycle of conflict and withdrawal starts to affect every interaction between you. The house goes cold. And of course, the children feel it too.

It’s a disaster. A slow-motion car wreck played out in millions of households every day.

This isn’t theory. It’s what I see week after week in marriages where one or both spouses have stopped taking their sexual fitness seriously. It’s a predictable, repeatable, but usually completely avoidable pattern. It’s how a sexless marriage happens, and it’s why I talk about marriage as a sexual relationship.

Why Do People Argue That Sex Isn’t Important in Marriage?

And yet I find it bizarre how much time people spend arguing that sex isn’t important.

The lengths people will go to convince themselves that sex doesn’t matter to their wellbeing, that marriage should be perfectly fine without it, or that it’s some trivial inconvenience you can simply abandon without consequence. It’s insane.

The truth is that sexually fit people aren’t arguing the toss on the internet about how potentially dangerous we are to each other. They’re too busy enjoying themselves, one orgasm after another. The fuss is a symptom of the problem I’m describing. The people making it are arguing against their own health.

Meanwhile, those who value their sexual fitness are just quietly looking after it and enjoying the results. And so are their spouses. Because in a marriage, looking after your own sexual fitness is also one of the ways you look after each other. Obviously. And not just in the early days, but for the entire life of the marriage.

Not in the Mood? You Don’t Have to Want Sex to Care About It

Nobody thinks going for a run when you don’t fancy it is a bad thing. You might not feel like it at that moment, but you want to be fit. So you lace up your shoes. And guess what? More often than not, you’re glad you did, and your life is better for it.

Sexual fitness works the same way. And no, I’m absolutely not saying anyone has to have sex they don’t want. But at least buy the shoes. Try them on. How does it feel? Look at the people who are running. Are you sure you don’t want to give it a go?

There’s a world of difference between not wanting sex on any given day, and refusing to take any interest in why you haven’t wanted it for years. That’s what I’m talking about.

I’m not telling anyone to do anything. I’m simply reporting the good news from the green pastures of a sexually healthy existence. And I’m telling you, if you want a full, rich life and a marriage that thrives, you need to invest in your sexual fitness.

Or don’t. It’s your life. Crack on.

Sexual Fitness for Life: The Sexually Fit Eighty-Year-Olds

The physically fit eighty-year-old might not be running a 5K in under twenty minutes, but he can still walk his dog on steady legs and climb his stairs.

Likewise, the sexually fit eighty-year-old couple might not be doing what they did in their twenties, but they’re still in the game. They’re playing together, holding hands, flirting and slow dancing in the kitchen.

And it isn’t because they’ve had an easier life. They’ve raised children, dealt with menopause, illness and all the other challenges life throws at a marriage. But rather than give up on that part of themselves, they’ve kept caring for it, adapting and improvising as they’ve gone along.

Now compare that with the eighty-year-old couple who haven’t touched each other in forty years, and decide for yourself. Which marriage would you rather have?

Take the Free Sexual Fitness Check-Up

If you’d like to start working on your own sexual fitness, download the free check-up below. Be honest, answer for yourself, then pick just one thing to work on this week.

If you want the bigger picture, start with my guide to sexless marriage help. If you’d like some support with any of this, you can reach out to me or my team. And if you enjoyed this, you might also like my Q&A answering 30 questions from husbands and wives about sexless marriage, desire, rejection, menopause, pressure and whether intimacy can come back.

If you’d like to join others on the same journey, come and join the Good Wife Club or the Good Husband Club.

In the meantime, to yourself and to others, tell the truth.

Laura