How to Tell the Difference Between Sexual Generosity and Self-Betrayal
Not in the mood for sex, but wondering whether you should say yes anyway? A relationship therapist’s traffic light system for wives who want to be generous without betraying themselves, and what it means when the light is red almost every time.
Laura How is a UK relationship therapist specialising in sexless marriage and sexual desire in long-term relationships.
Sexless Marriage: Why It Happens and How to Rebuild Intimacy
Start here if intimacy has broken down in your marriage.
If intimacy has broken down in your marriage or is disappearing slowly, this is the place to start. Laura covers why it happens, what it does to both partners, and what actually works to fix it.
First, a disclaimer. This article is for women married to good, loyal men in safe, stable and loving marriages, not those involving abuse or coercion. If that does not sound like your marriage, this is not the article for you.
Most Husbands Want More Sex. Most Wives Want More Connection.
Most married men want more sex than their wives do. And most married women want more emotional depth and connection than their husbands. Not always — but that is certainly a common pattern.
To the men, I would say: step up. Lean in. Do your work. Get comfortable with an emotional life. You married a woman, after all.
And to the women, the same: step up. Lean in. Do your work. Get comfortable with a sexual life. You married a man, after all.
When both spouses lean into each other’s worlds in this way, the marriage grows, as does trust, faith and good will between the spouses.
However, when either gives only what they feel like giving, the marriage shrinks and disconnection and dissatisfaction increase over time.
But there is a difference between giving what you have, and giving what you have not got. One is generosity and the other is self-betrayal.
So how do you tell the difference?
The Moment Every Married Woman Recognises
Here is a scenario most married women will recognise. You are lying in bed, ready for sleep, just about to put your book down and turn off the light…
And then your husband reaches for you.
And in that moment — you are not quite sure how you feel about it.
The Traffic Light System for Deciding When to Say Yes
This is where I would like to introduce you to my traffic light system, which you can use in exactly these situations yourself.
It is going to involve looking within and checking in with yourself. It is not an academic exercise, it is a body exercise, and it will tell you whether it is OK to say yes or whether really you should be saying no.
- Green is yes.
- Red is no.
- Amber is unsure.
So, the first thing to do is to check in with yourself and your body. How are you feeling, on this particular night, about this particular invitation?
The Two Easy Answers: A Full-Body Yes or a Full-Body No
Red light: you do not want anybody near you
Maybe you are hormonal and exhausted, and you do not want anybody near you.
That is a full body no, and it is a red light. Simple.
Green light: yes, that is a great idea
On the opposite end of the scale maybe you immediately feel:
“Yes! That is a great idea!”
An obvious, full body yes and a clear green light.
OK, those were no-brainers. The next two require a little more consideration as it is where I know a few of you get confused.
What If You Are Not in the Mood for Sex but He Wants to Connect?
Maybe you are not in the mood right now — but he clearly wants to connect with you, and you would like to give him that.
So, that is a loving green light.
The key here is that you are moving towards something good. Towards intimacy with him, and it feels good to be generous with the man you love in this moment. Your body will move towards him with ease.
Approach-Oriented Sex: What the Research Shows
Researchers call this approach-oriented sex — and research over the past 20 years has linked it with higher desire and higher sexual satisfaction, for both partners.
It is what I call sexual generosity.
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Avoidance-Oriented Sex: Saying Yes to Avoid the Consequences
The last situation is where a lot of women go wrong.
Maybe you really, viscerally do not want to tonight, but you are about to say yes anyway. Not because you want to give him anything, but because you are worried that if you say no, there will be a consequence. Sulking, stonewalling or an atmosphere all weekend.
That, ladies, is a red light.
Do not proceed, whether you think you should or not. Because by saying yes here, you would not be moving towards him at all. You would be moving away from consequence.
Researchers call this avoidance-oriented sex — and where it becomes the norm, it is unmitigated self-betrayal. Giving whilst betraying yourself.
It usually involves disconnection, dissociation, resentment.
And the findings here are clear: it leads to lower satisfaction and higher distress for both of you.
Never, ever say yes to sex because there will be consequences for saying no.
Is a Husband Allowed to Be Upset About Rejection?
Now, two quick things before we finish. First — I am not saying a man should not be upset after being repeatedly rejected. That is completely understandable. I am talking about disproportionate reactions and unreasonable timescales.
Can You Say Yes Simply Because You Love Him?
But if you feel safe, and you want to extend yourself for your husband because you love him and that is that — then you can do whatever you want. The way you might cook a beautiful, nutritional meal for someone you love without being hungry yourself. Nobody audits your appetite before letting you set the table.
What If the Light Is Almost Always Red?
OK, so finally — what do you do if the light is usually red, even though you understand sex is important to your marriage? What then?
A no on occasion is one thing. A no almost every time is something else.
That kind of no is a signal that something needs your attention. Either something within you, or in the dynamic between you. It could be hormonal, or it could be overwhelm, or medication, pain, poor health, resentment, pressure that has built up around sex — or something older that has nothing to do with him at all.
Whatever it is, it is worth finding out. So, discuss it openly with your husband, and get to the bottom of it together.
Because a marriage where sex ends is no more sustainable than one where he withdraws emotional depth and presence. And you would want to know why that was happening too.
A No Is the Start of a Long Conversation
Remember, a no is the start of a long conversation, not the end of a short one.
If you’d like some support putting this into practice — finding the words, or untangling what’s built up between you — that’s exactly what the Good Wife Club and the Good Husband Club are for. A monthly live call with me, a private space to ask your questions, and a group of people building the same kind of marriage. Founding member places are open now.
THE GOOD WIFE CLUB
A warm, women-only community led by Laura How, relationship coach and host of the Love & Cherish podcast. Somewhere to learn what actually makes a marriage thrive.
➔ Monthly live group meet with Laura (4th Friday, 6.30pm UK)
➔ A private space to ask Laura your questions
➔ Community support with other Good Wife Club members
➔ Companion notes from Laura’s videos
➔ New exclusive videos regularly added
➔ First access to new courses, intensives and events as they open
THE GOOD HUSBAND CLUB
A warm, men-only community led by Laura How, relationship coach and host of the Love & Cherish podcast. Somewhere to learn what actually makes a marriage thrive.
➔ Monthly live group meet with Laura (2nd Friday, 6.30pm UK)
➔ A private space to ask Laura your questions
➔ Community support with other Good Husband Club members
➔ Companion notes from Laura’s videos
➔ New exclusive videos regularly added
➔ First access to new courses, intensives and events as they open
And if you found this article helpful, you might also enjoy the one where I lay out ten rules for marriage.
Let me know your thoughts in the comments.
In the meantime, to yourself and to others, tell the truth.
Recommended Reading About Intimacy in Marriage
His Needs, Her Needs
‘This book will educate you in the care of your spouse,’ explains Dr Willard Harley. ‘Once you have learned its lessons, your spouse will find you irresistible, a condition that’s essential to a happy and successful marriage.’
This fresh and highly entertaining book identifies the ten most important needs within marriage for husbands and wives. It teaches you how to fulfil each other’s needs. Couples who find each other irresistible during the early years of their marriage may become incompatible if they fail to meet these central needs. According to Dr Harley, the needs of men and women are similar, but their priorities are vastly different.
Are you able to identify which of the following needs are his and which are hers? In what order would you place them? Admiration, Affection, An attractive spouse, Conversation, Domestic support, Family commitment, Financial support, Honesty and openness, Recreational companionship, Sexual fulfilment.
The Passionate Marriage
Passionate Marriage has long been recognized as the pioneering book on intimate human relationships. Now with a new preface by the author, this updated edition explores the ways we can keep passion alive and even reach the height of sexual and emotional fulfillment later in life. Acclaimed psychologist David Schnarch guides couples toward greater intimacy with proven techniques developed in his clinical practice and worldwide workshops. Chapters―covering everything from understanding love relationships to helpful “tools for connections” to keeping the sparks alive years down the road―provide the scaffolding for overcoming sexual and emotional problems. This inspirational book is sure to help couples invigorate their relationships and reach the fullest potential in their love lives.
The Sex-Starved Marriage
Bring the spark back into your bedroom and your relationship with gutsy and effective advice from bestselling author Michele Weiner Davis. It is estimated that one of every three married couples struggles with problems associated with mismatched sexual desire. If you want to stop fighting about sex and revitalize your intimate connection with your spouse, then you need this book. In “The Sex-Starved Marriage,” bestselling author Michele Weiner Davis will help you understand why being complacent or bitter about ho-hum sex might cost you your relationship. Full of moving first-hand accounts from couples who have struggled with the erosion of sexual desire and rebuilt their passionate connection, “The Sex-Starved Marriage” addresses every aspect of the sexual libido problem.
She Comes First
As women everywhere will attest, men are “ill-cliterate.” But in the pages of She Comes First, the mystery of female satisfaction is solved, and the tongue is proven mightier than the sword. According to Ian Kerner–sex therapist and evangelist of the female orgasm–oral sex isn’t just foreplay, it’s coreplay, and is simply the best way to lead a woman through the entire process of arousal time and time again.
Fun and informative, She Comes First is an encyclopedia of female pleasure, detailing dozens of tried-and-true techniques for consistently satisfying a woman and ensuring mutual sexual fulfillment.
Come as You Are
Researchers have spent the last decade trying to develop a “pink pill” for women to function like Viagra does for men. So where is it? Well, for reasons this book makes crystal clear, that pill will never be the answer–but as a result of the research that’s gone into it, scientists in the last few years have learned more about how women’s sexuality works than we ever thought possible, and Come as You Are explains it all.
Cutting-edge research across multiple disciplines tells us that the most important factor for women in creating and sustaining a fulfilling sex life, is not what you do in bed or how you do it, but how you feel about it. Which means that stress, mood, trust, and body image are not peripheral factors in a woman’s sexual wellbeing; they are central to it. Once you understand these factors, and how to influence them, you can create for yourself better sex and more profound pleasure than you ever thought possible.
Passionista
In the smash hit She Comes First, Ian Kerner singlehandedly waged battle against male sexual “ill-cliteracy,” and women everywhere benefited from his “viva la vulva” philosophy of female pleasure. Now, in Passionista, it’s time to learn all about what turns men onand makes them stay on. In this point-by-point, “blow-by-blow” guide, Kerner makes giving as much fun as receiving as he covers every angle of male sexuality, unlocks the secrets of satisfaction, and offers knowledgeable answers to the questions every woman wonders about. His advice is the closest you’ll ever come to waking up in a guy’s skin and knowing what truly makes him sexually tick.
