Podcast: We’re All Sexual Beings, So Why Do We Fight It? (The Paradox of Change)

Podcast guest

We’re All Sexual Beings. So Why Do We Fight It?

My conversation with therapists Lottie Passell-Syms and Elliot Burgess on The Paradox of Change podcast: why marriage is a sexual relationship, how couples become sexually unfit, and what to do if your marriage is drifting into sexlessness.

I recently joined Lottie Passell-Syms and Elliot Burgess on The Paradox of Change, a UK podcast run by therapists who, like me, believe relationships are worth investing in. Lottie is a psychosexual and intimacy therapist, Elliot is a couples therapist, and their motto is “there has to be an I before the We”.

It was a joy to talk to people on my side of the pond. Most of my professional conversations so far have been with Americans, so it was lovely to talk about sex, marriage and sexlessness with two people who know exactly what it feels like here.

Here are some of the things we covered.

Marriage is sexual

Marriage Is a Sexual Relationship

Elliot opened with a big question: what do I mean when I say marriage is a sexual relationship?

I often ask couples at the start of our work what they promised each other, and what they believe marriage is. Most look at me blankly. They’ve never really thought about it.

But we are a sexual species. Marriage is a relationship between the sexes. None of us would be here without sex.

Libido isn’t just sex drive. It’s hunger for life. It’s energy, drive, the things that motivate you. Your husband is sexual, you are sexual, and you’re going to have to grapple with that side of yourselves for a lifetime. Or not. You can ignore it, but you’ll pay.

Lottie put it well: marriage is friendship, intimacy and sex. Take one of them away and the contract no longer holds.

Grow up

Relationships Take Effort

There’s a lot of talk about pressure. He’s pressuring me for sex. She’s pressuring me for date nights. Everybody seems put out that relationships are burdensome.

But they are. Marriage is a serious relationship, just like raising children. It’s hard to know yourself, hard to know your partner, and hard to keep up with your children as they change. That’s the nature of relationship.

Somewhere along the way, we’ve given up on effort. Everything else in life runs at the push of a button, so we expect love to do the same. It doesn’t. You might need to read a book. Or fifty.

Look at yourself

Stop Blaming, Start Growing

Lottie described how resentment builds when the set-up of a marriage never gets reviewed. One partner gives up a career for the children, a bid to talk about it gets brushed aside, and fifteen years later the resentment has set like concrete.

Most couples arrive in therapy focused on the other person as the problem. The first thing I ask is that they stop blaming each other, out loud and in their heads, and start asking: how am I contributing? In what way do I need to grow?

Elliot added that our triggers are our own. Own the button that got pressed, and get curious about where it came from.

Sexual fitness

You Can Become Sexually Unfit

So how do couples end up sexless? Simply put, they stop prioritising their sexual health.

It’s easy to do. It’s just atrophy. Sexual fitness works almost exactly like physical fitness. If you want the upper echelons of sexual health, you have to prioritise it. You talk about difficult things, say things that leave you vulnerable, and dare to find out what it means for you to be sexual.

And so much of modern life gets in the way. Hours on your phone. Drinking too much, eating badly, not moving. None of it helps.

Let’s be honest

What Medication Does to Desire

Then there’s medication. Antidepressants, mood stabilisers, anti-anxiety drugs, sleeping tablets, painkillers. We have become a massively medicated society, and that has happened in my lifetime.

In 2019, Public Health England found that around one in four adults in England had been prescribed at least one medicine that can cause dependence, including antidepressants, opioid painkillers and sleeping pills. And that was before the pandemic.

SSRI antidepressants in particular are well known for emotional blunting and sexual side effects: low libido, genital numbness, difficulty reaching orgasm. If a medication is numbing your feelings and killing your desire, of course you’re not going to feel as sexually alive as someone who isn’t taking it.

Elliot shared what he asks clients who are on medication: do you want me to work with the medicated version of you, or the one with all those feelings? Sadness, anxiety, anger, joy. They’re all part of being human, and they’re what we work with.

I’m not here to tell anyone what to take. But do your own research. Read the side effects. And if you want to make a change, talk to your doctor rather than stopping suddenly.

The fact that you’re sexual is good news. Sex is for us. But you have to take care of it.

Where to start

What to Do If Your Marriage Is Going Sexless

Take your suffering seriously. Your marriage is supposed to be a harbour from the madness out there. If you’re miserable in it, that’s a signal something isn’t right.

• Read. Start with The Sex-Starved Marriage and The Sex-Starved Wife by Michele Weiner-Davis.
• Listen together. Ask your partner to watch or listen to something with you.
• Find the right professional. Someone who actually thinks sex is a good thing. They’re rarer than they should be.
• Turn off the negativity. Unsubscribe from anything that tells you men and women aren’t for each other.
• Don’t give up. If your partner says “you’re pressuring me”, don’t let that stop you pushing for a healthy marriage.

Lottie shared that “sex pest” is a phrase she won’t allow in her therapy room. Wanting sex with your partner is saying the relationship matters. I couldn’t agree more.

The Nothing

Protect What’s Sacred

We also talked about young people growing up with social media from the very start: told not to trust the opposite sex, told they don’t measure up, told they shouldn’t even buy an avocado. No wonder so many are frightened of intimacy.

I compared it to The Nothing in The NeverEnding Story, slowly eating away at everything beautiful. What’s true and sacred, our love for each other, is being swallowed up.

That’s why conversations like this one matter. The more of us banging this drum, the better.

Where to find Lottie and Elliot

About The Paradox of Change

The Paradox of Change is hosted by therapists Lottie Passell-Syms and Elliot Burgess. Three therapists, one honest conversation. You can find them here:

• Website: theparadoxofchange.com
• YouTube: @theparadoxofchange
• Instagram: @theparadoxofchange

Thank you both for having me. I’m already looking forward to the next one.