How to Talk to Your Wife About a Sexless Marriage (When She Shuts You Down)

Sexless marriage conversations often feel impossible, especially when talking about sex leads to conflict, shutdown, or contempt. This article explores how to talk to your wife about sex without starting a war, why sexual intimacy is a legitimate need in marriage, and how men can communicate clearly, calmly, and effectively when intimacy has disappeared. If discussing sex in your marriage feels like walking through a minefield, this guide offers a realistic path forward.

How To Talk to Your Wife About Sex Without Starting a War

I read an interesting comment by a follower who described attempting to discuss sex with his wife as follows:

“Talking about sex with my wife is like crawling across a minefield that already took my arms and legs.”

If that sounds familiar, if talking about sex in your marriage has become a source of stress, or an exercise in futility, then this post is for you. I’ll show you why it’s a conversation you have every right to have, how to prepare for it, and how to ensure you’re finally heard and understood.

Who This Article Is For (And Who It Is Not)

This post does not apply to marriages where coercion, abuse or trauma are present. Here, I’m talking only to loving husbands who routinely go above and beyond to meet their wives’ needs, but who, despite their best efforts, endure months or years without intimacy and whose every attempt to discuss it is met with contempt or dismissal. This isn’t about convincing someone to have sex they don’t want. It’s about finally being heard, getting real answers, and understanding what you’re actually dealing with so you can make informed decisions. The rest is up to her.

Why Talking About Sex Feels Impossible in Some Marriages

I constantly work with men who are doing everything they can to maintain an emotional connection with their wives. Planning dates, being emotionally available and present, showing up in every way they can think of. But whenever they try to talk about sex, the conversation is shut down. She refuses to read the books, read the articles, or go to therapy. She dismisses experts, frames male desire as coercion, denies sex is a legitimate need, and refuses to even talk about it.

So, here’s the bind: you’re being expected to accept a life of celibacy, not to complain about it, and to remain monogamous.

If that’s your situation, I feel for you. It’s no doubt taken its toll on your mental wellbeing, physical health and outlook on life. I’ve heard countless men say they’re losing the will to live over time, so this is serious, and I’m with you. But society won’t be. Women’s needs are often put on a pedestal as sacred, while men’s are dismissed as trivial. If a marriage is sexless, it’s usually assumed the husband must be failing in some way.

Furthermore, many therapists and talking heads will tell you that sex is simply a natural by-product of a successful marriage. So, they say, if you fix the emotional side, the sex will follow. I don’t need to tell you this is rarely the case.

You’re probably also feeling depressed, angry, and withdrawn which only compounds the problem, giving your wife yet another reason to distance herself from you.

So, how on earth can you move forward from here?

Step One: Education and Reality Checking

THE FIRST STEP IS EDUCATION

If you’ve started doubting yourself or questioning whether what you’re asking for is even reasonable, then you need to start with a reality check. Because here’s what I believe to be true about sex and monogamy:

• Desiring sex is perfectly normal and healthy.
• Sex is a legitimate emotional need.
• A monogamous relationship is by definition a sexual relationship.
• It is unreasonable to expect monogamy whilst refusing to engage sexually without good reason.
• For a relationship to function, every aspect of it must be open for discussion.

So, you’re not wrong, needy or perverted. What you’re asking for is completely healthy, legitimate and normal, so you shouldn’t feel like you’re walking on eggshells just because you want to talk about sex.

So, let’s talk about how to communicate in a way she can actually hear.

To do that, you need three things:

• A general understanding of how female desire works
• Specific awareness of what’s affecting your wife right now
• A precise understanding about what sex actually represents for both of you.

Understanding Female Desire and Sexual Withdrawal

Consider also that although it may look like she doesn’t care, many women withdraw sexually because they feel overwhelmed, ashamed, or afraid, and so they shut down as a form of self-protection. So, approach this with curiosity. As a therapist, I’d be asking ‘What’s going on here?’ rather than ‘What’s wrong with you?’

Educate yourself on how and why some women feel the way they do about sex. Read about female desire and its influences, the difference between responsive and spontaneous desire, attachment styles, and the emotional and physical importance of sex for both men and women. Learn about common obstacles to sexual intimacy, such as screen addiction, medications, health issues, menopause, trauma, body image concerns, and resentment. Work out what’s going on with your wife and what might be undermining her willingness to engage in this conversation.

• Has she experienced trauma, a difficult birth, a major life event?
• Has she gained weight or experienced physical changes that make her feel unsexy?
• What did she learn about sex growing up?
• Is she overwhelmed?
• Is she medicated?
• Is she avoiding vulnerability?
• Does she not like you?
• Is this a new problem or has it always been this way?
• Did something change at a time you might be able to pinpoint?

Be fearless here and gather as much evidence as you can because you need to know exactly what you’re dealing with.

What Sex Actually Represents in Marriage

And let’s be clear about what you’re actually trying to achieve. The goal isn’t compliance, nobody wants that. It’s to feel like you’re living with a woman who wants to be close to you, and to understand why that isn’t happening.

Obviously, you can’t force someone to want you, so any change in your sexual relationship must come from her. 100% willing and engaged. All you can do is communicate clearly, make an effort to understand her and create conditions where she might choose to engage. The choice has to be hers.

Before you approach her, get crystal clear on what sexual intimacy truly means to you. Not just the physical act, but the profound emotional connection it represents. This is often the turning point for women. When they realize it’s not about sex in general, but about feeling connected to her specifically. If you can articulate this clearly, you’ll dramatically increase the chance she’ll hear you.

How to Have the Conversation Without Escalation

So, here’s how to have the conversation.

When you’re ready, approach her calmly and with genuine curiosity. It’s okay to feel angry and hurt inside but try to remain calm, grounded and kind in your delivery.

Start with something like this:

“I need to talk with you about our intimate life. Let me explain what I mean because I may not have made it clear before. I feel most connected to you when we’re intimate, but I feel lost and abandoned when we’re not. And this isn’t about physical release; it’s about connection with you specifically. So, I’m asking if you’re willing to work on this with me, because I’m suffering and can’t go on like this forever. Can we talk about what’s going on between us?”

If she’s willing to talk, be sure to ask important questions like these:

“What feelings come up for you when you think about being intimate with me?”
“Do you still find me attractive?”
“Have I done something you haven’t been able to forgive me for?”
“Is there something going on for you I don’t know about?”
“I notice you seem really uncomfortable when we talk about this, what’s going on for you right now?”

The energy here is critical: you’re trying to understand a problem, not interrogate her. But if at any point she responds with anger, contempt, or tries to shut you down, pause and say calmly:

“We are not doing this. I just want to have a conversation, and I want to feel heard.”

Imagine Neo from The Matrix raising his hand to halt bullets mid-air. Stay calm, grounded and assertive.

Remember, you’re not doing anything wrong. Your sexual needs are part of who you are, the person she married. She can’t fully accept you while rejecting that essential part of you. While you can’t force her to meet those needs, you can insist on discussing them openly, so you both know exactly where you stand.

She can be as hostile as she wants, but it only becomes war if you respond in kind. You can sit with dysfunction without being drawn into it yourself. So, stay calm, read what she says and respond calmly.

Common Pushbacks and How to Respond

Here’s some common phrases you might hear and effective ways to respond.

“Not this again”

– “Yes, this again. Because we haven’t been able to resolve it.”

“Stop making this about you”

– “This is about us. About whether we’re willing to work on our marriage together.”

“You’re being dramatic/unreasonable”

– “I don’t think wanting intimacy with my wife is unreasonable. But if you do, that’s important information.”

“You’re pressuring me”

– “I’m not trying to pressure you. I’m trying to understand if you’re willing to work on this.”

“You don’t have a right to my body.”

– “I have no interest in controlling you, I just want to feel wanted by you.”

“I shouldn’t have to if I don’t want to”

– “That’s true, I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to do either. What I want is to feel wanted by you. Do you understand that?”

“Is that all you think about?”

– “No. But this matters, and I need us to be able to talk about it.”

“All you ever think about is sex”

– “Well, yes, it’s constantly on my mind because it’s missing and I’m desperate to feel connected to you.”

“There’s more to marriage than sex”

– “Yes, of course, but intimacy is still part of marriage, and we’ve not been talking about it.”

“Why don’t all the other ways I show love count?”

– “They absolutely do. But intimacy is a different need—one I can’t meet any other way. Are you willing to work on this with me?”

“You’re making me feel guilty”

– “I’m not trying to make you feel guilty. I’m trying to tell you how I feel.”

“I don’t feel like it anymore”

– “I hear that. What I need to know is whether you’re willing to explore why that’s changed.”

“I’m doing my best”

– “I believe you. What I need to know is: are you willing to work on understanding why this is so hard for you?”

“I’m too tired/stressed/overwhelmed”

– “I understand. What can we do to address that? Because this can’t continue indefinitely.”

“I’ve had 2 kids and been through menopause! What do you expect from me?”

– “I know your body has been through a lot. I’m not expecting what we had but I’m asking if you’re willing to work with me to find a way to be intimate now, in a way that works for both of us.”

“Maybe if you were more romantic / helpful / present etc.”

– “OK, I hear you and I’m willing to work on that. But I still need to know if I do, will you work with me on this?”

“Why can’t you just be happy with what we have?”

– “Because what we have isn’t really fulfilling to me. I feel like we’re roommates and that’s not what I imagined for our future. So, I need to know if you’re willing to work toward something different.”

The key here is to express yourself honestly whilst listening carefully. Some of her concerns might be valid so, if she raises something legitimate, acknowledge it. But don’t let it become a situation where the proposed solution is for you to fix yourself while she remains unwilling to change. The goal is mutual effort. You’re married and so you’re meant to be a team.

These conversations must stay free of shouting, name-calling, or contempt. You have every right to feel upset, but if anger takes over, the discussion will unravel. The safer and more solution focussed you can make these conversations the more progress you will make.

However, if either of you become overwhelmed or at risk of succumbing to contemptuous behaviour, take a break but come back to it when you’re both able.

If it’s clear you’re not getting anywhere with these early discussions, then suggest seeing a couple’s therapist who specializes in desire discrepancy and intimacy issues. If she refuses, tell her you’re going to therapy on your own, and actually do it.

A word of caution when selecting a counsellor: If after just two sessions you’re labelled as unreasonable, she’s validated without challenge, and the therapist refuses to address the core issue, then stop immediately and find someone else.

The Three Possible Outcomes

Now, the fundamental question this entire process is designed to answer is this:

• Does your wife not understand what you’re asking for, is she struggling with something she can’t articulate, or has she genuinely checked out?

This is vital because you need to be absolutely certain you’ve been heard, and that you understand what’s actually going on before concluding you’re dealing with a lack of care. Pay close attention to how she responds over multiple conversations, and if you’re uncertain she understands, kindly ask her to repeat back what she’s hearing.

Outcome A: Willingness to Engage

She listens and shows she’s willing to work with you. This is a success! Keep the conversation going with regular check-ins. Don’t expect perfection overnight, but celebrate every step in the right direction. Reassure her that you want to work with her, not against her. You’re inviting her into a more fulfilling marriage together, not trying to force her into something she doesn’t want. Remember, this is difficult for her too, so be patient and encouraging.

Obviously, ‘working on it’ has to mean concrete action, not vague promises. What that looks like will depend on your situation, but it might start with scheduling time for intimacy and discussing realistic frequency. The specifics matter less than the commitment to actual steps forward.

My advice here would be to strike while the iron’s hot and book a therapist who specializes in desire issues immediately. Many couples tell me that just knowing they have a session coming up later that week keeps them actively working toward repair. They know I’ll be asking:

• How’s it going?
• Did you do what you said you’d do?
• Did you check in?
• How did that go?
• Did you have sex?
• What came up for you both?’

That accountability keeps momentum going when motivation might otherwise fade.

Her willingness is the key, and the rest you can figure out together or with the support of a good therapist.

Outcome B: Defensive (Not Dismissive)

She’s upset and needs time, but she’s no longer completely shut down, and you sense that you might have been heard. She may be struggling to articulate what’s going on, but she’s not saying she won’t try. This is a hopeful middle ground. Stay patient and persistent, but give it a realistic timeframe. A few weeks of genuine effort, not endless months of waiting. Keep checking in, keep talking and keep asking how she’s feeling about what you’ve said. Offer to find a decent pro sex therapist together if it feels too difficult to progress alone. And if you need book recommendations to help you both understand these dynamics better, check the link in the article.

Outcome C: Refusal to Engage

Refusal might manifest in two ways:

1. Empty Promises: Beware of the “I know, I know” pattern, where she agrees to work on it, and perhaps things improve for a couple of weeks before reverting to the same old habits. This cycle is exhausting, so keep returning to the conversation and don’t let things slide back to square one.
2. Active Refusal: She repeatedly dismisses you with comments like “Leave me alone”, “Stop going on about it!” or “You’re a misogynist.” She refuses therapy, shuts down conversation, punishes your efforts, and shows no curiosity, compassion or willingness to listen.

If either pattern persists despite your efforts, you need explicit closure so ask her directly:

‘Can you tell me what you understand I’m asking for? And are you saying you understand but you’re not willing to work on it?’

If she can state clearly:

‘Yes, I understand, and no, I’m not going to work on it,’ then you have your answer and it’s time to make a choice.

If you’re truly facing total refusal to engage despite your clear, sustained efforts to communicate, as far as I can see, you have three choices:

Three Choices if She Refuses to Engage

Option One: Insistence

This would be my initial preference. Don’t give up or go quiet. Keep speaking up for yourself. Keep saying things like, “This relationship is making me miserable.” or “I don’t want to leave, but I’m so unhappy here.” Don’t pretend to be okay. Keep calmly asserting yourself, and make it clear you’re not willing to tolerate the status quo in silence. This doesn’t mean living in perpetual conflict. You still have a shared life to manage, but it does mean returning to the conversation regularly. In my opinion weekly check-ins are essential here. The motive isn’t to punish her or make life miserable; it’s simply to refuse to pretend everything’s fine when it isn’t.

This obviously isn’t practical in the long term if absolutely nothing changes, so if that’s the case, you’ll be left with two further options.

Option Two: Acceptance

Let me be clear: I do not advocate accepting or tolerating a situation where it’s clear your wife doesn’t care about your suffering.

But if the marriage is generally positive and valuable to you, if she demonstrates care for you in other ways, and you believe leaving would cause more suffering than staying, then acceptance might be an option. But make no mistake, this is a dark night for the soul.

If you choose to accept this situation, then you must truly accept it, not resign yourself while burning up inside, because that will destroy you. True acceptance is peaceful. Stop reading these kinds of articles, let go of the resentment, and settle into a different life. Get therapy for yourself, take up new hobbies, make new friends, and prioritize your health. Build a life which is as fulfilling as possible in the absence of sexual intimacy.

But you must ask yourself, can you genuinely be at peace with this arrangement? Because if you can’t, if you’re likely to spend the rest of your days bitter and dying inside, then acceptance isn’t going to be sustainable. In that case, you have one final option.

Option Three: Leave

If after genuine, extended effort, your partner still categorically refuses to engage, then for the sake of your well-being you’re allowed to have boundaries. Many men say that living alone actually feels less lonely than sharing a life with someone who makes you feel completely unwanted. If you have children, consider what you’re teaching them about self-respect and boundaries. It might even be preferable to scrape by penniless in a one-bedroom apartment than to endure the rest of your days without warmth or touch. At least alone, you hold out hope of meeting someone who truly wants you, a possibility you’re giving up in this marriage.

Now, I recognize that for many men, even if it feels utterly hopeless, leaving simply isn’t an option. Many of you feel a profound dedication to the vows you made; for you it’s all about honour and integrity. You promised “forever,” and you’ll stand by that no matter what. If that’s the case, while I admire your integrity, you’re really only left with Insistence or Acceptance. So, choose one deliberately, make peace with that choice, and look after yourself through what will be a difficult journey.

Either way, you’re going to need support; whether from a trusted friend, family member, or professional because this is a major life event and I wouldn’t suggest going through it alone.

A WORD OF HOPE

Before I go, to give you a shining light at the end of the tunnel, let me tell you what I see every week in my practice.

I see long-term, conflict ridden, sexless marriages transformed into fun, loving, intimate partnerships. And the most common thing I hear from women who become willing to change is this: “I genuinely had no idea what sex really meant to my husband.” It’s not until it’s laid out calmly and clearly that it sinks in.

Many simply didn’t understand that sex is a profoundly important emotional need for men. They didn’t realize their husbands weren’t asking for sex in general, they were craving a connection with them specifically. Many had never even heard of responsive desire, the fact that their bodies work differently, that it’s normal and not a sign they’ve stopped loving their husbands. They didn’t know about intentional intimacy or how to work with the way their desire actually functions.

Once they grasp this reality, once they truly understand, I see their hearts open and their marriages transform. Many of these women hadn’t made sense of the deeper aspects of themselves that were making sex challenging or frightening. But once they understand, they become determined to address it all. They start enjoying sex. They feel physically better. There’s more fun, more cohesion, less conflict. The swing in his step returns, he’s sharper, more focused, and his lust for life makes a comeback. Both of their worlds improve dramatically, and it often happens quickly.

So, here’s the takeaway: how you frame and communicate your needs, combined with understanding how she experiences desire and what might be blocking it, makes a profound difference. The vast majority of women I work with, once this is all laid out, do become genuinely willing to engage. So don’t give up before you’ve given this approach a real try.

I’m rooting for you. Whichever way it goes, you don’t have to walk alone. If you need support on your journey, you can get in touch with me or my team using the link in the article, and we’ll happily walk alongside you.

I’m also offering one-day couples intensives for crisis situations just like this, so please get in touch if you’re interested.

If this post was helpful, please consider subscribing to my Newsletter so you don’t miss the next conversation. I publish new articles every week.

Thanks for reading. I’ll see you next week. In the meantime, to yourself and to others… tell the truth.

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