What Makes a Loving Marriage Work

A loving marriage is not built on luck or chemistry but on intention and accountability. In this article, I explore what makes a loving marriage strong and lasting, offering practical marriage advice for couples who want to grow and thrive together.

What Does a Loving Marriage Look Like?

Is your spouse a loving person? Are you a loving person?  Do you both care about your marriage?

Erich Fromm wrote:

“Love is the active concern for the life and growth of that which we love.”

I can’t think of a better way to describe the role of being someone’s spouse.

Love isn’t a passive feeling or empty words. It’s thoughtful, engaged, and expressed through deliberate action. A loving marriage is built on that principle. So, in this article, we’re going to explore what it means to be loving partners, and what to do if either of you are missing the mark.

The Marriage Garden: How Love Needs Ongoing Care

Think of a marriage as a shared garden.

Both partners are gardeners, and the garden belongs to both. Some areas take care of themselves, while others need constant attention. Seasons change, we change, and what we need from our garden changes too. Loving partners adapt to these changes and work as a team to make sure the garden provides for the needs of both.

The one thing a garden cannot survive is neglect. Over time, weeds take over, rot sets in, and what was meant to be a shared sanctuary becomes a wasteland. And so, keeping your garden alive and thriving requires constant observation, collaboration and effort.

Marriage is no different. If one spouse says they need more of one thing, or less of another, it’s a signal that some area of the garden needs attention. And in a loving marriage, those signals are taken seriously.

How to Be a Loving Partner

If something’s prohibiting new growth, or failing to adapt to new conditions, then both partners deal with the problem together.

For example, one partner might long for more emotional connection, while the other has withdrawn because a lack of physical intimacy has left them feeling unwanted. Or it might be the other way around. Either way, both partners need to work on that part of their garden together.

The point is that this garden called marriage belongs to both of you and everything within it needs to be up for honest consideration. If something matters to one of you, it matters to the marriage.

Sometimes you need to take a step back and look at your marriage as it is right now.

When observed objectively, how does it make you feel? Is it flourishing? Or is it in need of major attention? How do you want it to look five years from now? Do you imagine more laughter around the dinner table, a better sex life, or more shared adventures and travel? And how, as a couple, are you going to make that vision a reality?

Of course, a shared vision like this only works when both partners are willing to live as loving people who are invested in the process.

Why Love Takes Practice, Not Perfection

The challenge is that many of us, me included, didn’t grow up with a clear model of what healthy, loving behaviour actually looks like. It doesn’t make us bad, it’s just that we simply weren’t shown. 

But the good news is that love is something we can learn and practise, even master should we dedicate the time and effort.

We also need to drop this idea that marriage should be easy. It’s one of the most damaging myths out there. Most meaningful things in life like building a business, raising children or getting fit all take consistent work. Expecting marriage to be effortless is going to cause nothing but disappointment and frustration.

So, watch what loving people do, then start bringing more of those behaviours into your own marriage, wherever you can. Think of a couple you genuinely admire and work out what they’re doing well. At first it might feel forced, but that’s fine. Keep practising, and over time those behaviours will start to feel natural. This is essentially “fake it until you make it,” which is a well-established CBT principle for building new patterns.

And if you’re thinking, “It’s not me, I’m already a loving person! It’s my spouse,” keep watching, because I’ll talk about that too.

What Loving People Do Differently

Loving people bring a particular energy into their lives and their relationships. They’re grateful, conscientious, responsive, generous, purposeful, and comfortable in their own skin.

They’re engaged. They pay attention. They nurture friendships, care for their families, and take pride in their endeavours.

In marriage, loving individuals do their part to keep affection alive. They hold hands, laugh together, make eye contact, share kisses, music, and touch. They take an active interest in their partner’s wellbeing and are motivated to meet their needs as best they can.

These aren’t trivial gestures. They’re deliberate actions that communicate love. And just as importantly, there are things loving people choose not to do. They don’t shy away from conflict or sweep issues under the rug. They don’t meet their partner’s needs with contempt.

They don’t disappear into screens or distractions when things get hard. And they don’t confuse love with passivity. Some of the most gentle or quiet people still show up with courage when it matters.

I didn’t grow up seeing this modelled by my parents, so I had to learn it through practice, reflection, and persistence until being a good spouse started to feel natural. My husband would tell you it’s been the same for him too, so this article really isn’t preaching. We’re both very much a work in progress ourselves.

When One Partner Stops Showing Up

It really does take two to make a marriage work. It’s one thing to dedicate yourself to this journey of growth, but it’s another thing entirely if your spouse isn’t on board.

I see this a lot in my work. Many people are bewildered that their partner doesn’t seem interested in loving them well, but when you look closer, it turns out this person doesn’t really love much at all, least of all themselves. And that usually shows up in pretty obvious ways.

Maybe they retreat into screens, medication, or other forms of withdrawal. Maybe they neglect their health, avoid friendships, or have become lazy. Maybe they seem indifferent not only to your needs and concerns but to those of others too.

In these situations, the loving thing to do is hold up a mirror.

Not with contempt, but with interest and concern, just as your partner might do for you if you’d become less loving in some way.  Holding up a mirror means gently sharing what you see, for example, ‘I’ve noticed you seem withdrawn lately, and I’m worried. Can we talk about what’s going on?’

Accountability: Protecting the Health of Your Marriage

I know this is easier said than done, and I know many of you have tried this approach with little effect. But you must keep banging that drum, calmly and assertively, because these conversations are fundamental.

I see this dynamic all the time in my work with couples: one partner starts to give up, and the other just stands by and watches it happen. She scrolls on her phone every night, barely engaging, and he shrugs and says, “Oh well, I guess that’s just how it is now.” Or he retreats into work or porn, and she tells herself, “He’s just not that interested anymore,” as if she has no agency in the situation.

No. The marriage belongs to both of you. If your partner isn’t participating, you have every right to insist that they re-engage. This is about protecting something that’s half yours and ultimately, it’s for the benefit of both partners.

In a marriage each spouse should be the other’s best critic. We see things in our partners that they might not see themselves, and so it’s our responsibility to shine a light on these areas. This practice is fundamental to individual growth and the continued success of a marriage.

So, if your partner was generally more loving earlier in the relationship, resist the temptation to condemn or judge but rather take an interest in what might be going on for them. Has something happened that has triggered a withdrawal? A life situation, health problem, surfacing trauma, or increasing stress?

Talk to them. Tell them you miss them, offer to help, and demonstrate that you care. Ask what they need. Do they need support, encouragement, or guidance?  Would therapy help?

If they consistently refuse to engage, that’s not something you can fix alone. You can invite, encourage, and challenge, but you can’t drag someone somewhere they don’t want to go. At some point, you have to decide what your standards are for the relationship. That said, in many cases, when one partner makes positive changes in themselves, the other is inspired to follow.

The Importance of Self-Respect and Self-Love

So, this is where it’s important to turn the spotlight inward and take an honest look at yourself. Could you be playing a part here? Are you showing up as a loving person? Are you meeting their needs? Do they feel safe to express themselves with you?

Ask your partner how they experience your participation in the marriage and be willing to listen and make changes where needed.

A key part of this process is self-respect, so ask yourself: Do I truly love and respect myself? If old wounds, childhood trauma, addictions, or resentments are driving behaviour that harms you and, by extension, your marriage, then facing those issues is a profound act of self-love.

Caring for your health, appearance, diet, fitness, and friendships are all facets of that self-love because they keep you alive and engaged in every area of your life. Genuine self-care and awareness naturally build self-esteem, and people with healthy self-esteem speak up for themselves and expect to be heard. They won’t tolerate an unhappy marriage indefinitely because their sense of worth won’t allow it.

Once you have that solid foundation within yourself, you’ll be far better equipped to love another person well. That inner strength allows you to show up in the active, deliberate way that mature love requires.

Erich Fromm’s Four Principles of Mature Love

Fromm captured this notion beautifully in his classic book The Art of Loving, where he explained that mature love rests on four tenets.

• 1. Care is the active concern for another person’s life and growth. It isn’t about obligation, it’s choosing to nurture your partner repeatedly, even when you don’t feel like it. True care shows itself in daily actions, not empty sentiment.
• 2. Responsibility, in Fromm’s sense, is not duty but voluntary response. It means showing up consistently and supporting your partner’s wellbeing not because you have to, but because you want to.
• 3. Respect means seeing and accepting your partner as they are, not trying to reshape them into someone else. It’s about giving them space to grow while also loving them as they are.
• 4. Knowledge is the deep, empathic understanding of your partner’s inner world: their fears, joys, motivations and wounds. Intimacy isn’t possible without caring to know deeply, what makes your spouse who they are.

These four tenets are interdependent, and only a mature person who has cultivated self-love and inner discipline can sustain them consistently in a marriage.  But as I said earlier, this can all be learned.

Why a Good Marriage Is Worth the Effort

I know some of you are thinking this sounds like hard work. And yes, at first it is. But I promise you from my own experience, the rewards are extraordinary. Marriage gets a bad rap not because there’s something wrong with marriage, but because so many people simply don’t know how to do it well. A bad marriage will kill you in one way or another, but a good marriage is one of the richest experiences a human can have and so it’s worth every moment of difficulty.

A loving marriage gives you a trusted companion to grow old with, someone to face life’s storms alongside. A loving partner will help you grow in ways you could never do alone. A good marriage is a spiritual adventure that shapes and improves both of you over time.

In marriages like these, couples are deeply attuned to each other’s wellbeing. They’re curious, responsive, and respectful as they grow and change together.

When one spouse reaches out a hand, for whatever reason, the other’s is there to take it.

They trust each other implicitly because they are both honest. They’re the best of friends, and their love is mature, grounded in truth and mutual respect. They’re independent in their own lives and confidently interdependent in their marriage.

What remains for these couples long after the honeymoon has passed is a shared understanding that as Ram Dass so beautifully put it, they’ve come together to walk each other home.

Final Reflection: Seeing Your Marriage as a Shared Creation

So, take a moment to see your marriage as something bigger than either of you. There’s you, there’s your spouse, and there’s the marriage, which should be stronger than the sum of its parts. The two of you are custodians of something that belongs to both of you, and you have a responsibility to work as loving individuals to make it thrive.

This means introspecting, learning what real love looks like if you need to, and practising those behaviours until they become second nature. It means challenging your partner when they’re not contributing to the health of the marriage, and it means being willing to listen when they challenge you.

Now, I know some of you might be a long way from this idyllic marital portrait and that’s ok.  I’ve been there and I know how hard it can be to see a way out.  But it is possible.  All it takes is a decision and a commitment to do the work, together, as a team.

If you would like support on your journey, you can get in touch here for marriage advice. And if you found this article useful, consider subscribing to my YouTube channel for weekly conversations about marriage, intimacy, and real love.