Editor’s Note: Updated August 2025 to cover more perspectives.
If your wife no longer wants to have sex with you, it can feel like the bottom has dropped out of your marriage. Because for most men, sex is the primary way in which they feel loved, accepted, and connected. ⁽¹ ²⁾
So, in this article, we’ll take an honest look at why wives often stop wanting sex with their husbands.
Sometimes it’s about you, sometimes it’s about her, and sometimes it’s about the dynamics between you. I’ll talk about each of these areas, outlining the most common reasons intimacy breaks down and most importantly, what you can do to get things back on track.
So why do so many wives stop wanting sex with their husbands?
First let’s look at when it might be about you.
Reasons Your Wife Doesn’t Want Sex (When It’s About You)
Now, I know some of you will be thinking, “Oh great — here we go, it’s always the man’s fault.” But this really isn’t about blame. It’s about being willing to look honestly at the whole picture, so you don’t stay stuck.
Maybe you’re already a great husband and have no part to play, in which case, good for you. But that’s not the reality I see for most marriages, so for those of you who are not already on your ‘A game’, let’s start by looking at the situations where her lack of desire might be connected to you.
Here are 7 possibilities:
- She Doesn’t Feel Safe
Most women are wired to choose partners who demonstrate care, protection, and commitment. So, trust is essential. If you lie, hide things from her or if you’re addicted or volatile, she won’t feel safe, and she’ll distance herself from you over time. ⁽³⁾ - She Doesn’t Feel Connected
I hear this all the time from women in troubled marriages and it’s a serious problem gents. “He just won’t talk about anything!” If you struggle to engage in meaningful conversations with your wife, then she is going to feel invisible. Emotional connection is as important to her as sex is to you. ⁽⁴ ⁵⁾ - She Doesn’t Feel Liked
Maybe compliments, warmth and affection have slipped away over the years. If frustration has turned into criticism or coldness, she won’t exactly feel cherished. This is a zero-sum game because if she no longer even feels liked by you, she won’t want to be vulnerable with you. ⁽⁵⁾ - She’s Not Excited by You
Women are drawn to men who are comfortable in their own skin, purposeful, and enjoyable to be around. If you have become bitter or lazy, or if you are too often not good company, then she’s going not going to be excited by you. ⁽⁶⁾ - She Feels Smothered
If she feels you’re constantly pushing for sex without offering romance, affection, or emotional reciprocity, it can feel suffocating rather than loving. What you see as persistence may come across as pressure, leaving her feeling cornered instead of desired. ⁽⁷⁾ - She Doesn’t Enjoy Sex with You
This is a tough one to admit but and easy one to fix. If sex has become mechanical, predictable, one-sided, or disappointing, she may have developed strategies to avoid it altogether. ⁽⁴ ⁸⁾ - She Feels You’ve Checked Out
Men often withdraw when a marriage becomes sexless. Maybe you still go through the motions but no longer invest in her happiness, well-being, or the relationship itself. If she senses you’ve emotionally abandoned the marriage, sex will be the last thing on her mind. ⁽⁷⁾
Why Your Wife Never Wants Sex (When It’s About Her)
Of course, not every reason has to do with you and maybe none of those reasons apply, which is fantastic. But that obviously doesn’t mean the problem disappears. Sometimes the real challenges come from what she’s experiencing personally: in her body, her emotions, or her past. These struggles can make sex difficult for her, even in an otherwise healthy marriage.
So, here are 7 possibilities:
- She’s Struggling with Hormones or Health
Pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, perimenopause, menopause, or even certain medications can destroy libido and sometimes even make sex painful. These aren’t character flaws; they’re biological realities. ⁽⁸ ⁹ ¹⁰ ¹¹⁾ - She Feels Bad About Her Body
If she doesn’t like how she looks or feels in her own body, she may not want to share it sexually. Her avoidance may not be about you at all, it may be about her relationship with herself. ⁽¹²⁾ - She’s Carrying Trauma or Sexual Shame
Unhealed trauma, strict religious upbringings, or cultural shame around sex can affect how a woman views her body, her sexuality, and intimacy itself. Even if she loves you and values the relationship, those old wounds or messages can make sex feel frightening, shameful, or unsafe. ⁽¹³⁾ - She’s Overwhelmed by Exhaustion & Mental Load
Balancing work, parenting, careers, family responsibilities, and household chores can be exhausting. If her brain is constantly running through to-do lists, switching into a relaxed, sensual mindset can feel almost impossible. ⁽¹⁴⁾ - She Underestimates How Important Sex Is to You
One of the most common disconnects in marriage is that many women underestimate how important sex is for men. Our culture often trivialises or even mocks male sexuality, so if wives internalise this narrative, they may fail to see how crucial sexual connection is to their husband’s well-being. ⁽¹ ²⁾ - She’s Lost Touch with Her Own Sexuality
Sometimes women stop wanting sex not because of their husbands or even the relationship, but because they’ve become disconnected from their own sense of sexuality. Stress, parenting or ageing can make ‘being sexy’ feel like a joke. If she’s not in touch with her sexuality, she’ll struggle to bring that energy into the marriage, even if she still loves her husband deeply. ⁽⁹ ¹²⁾ - She Doesn’t Care About the Marriage
As painful as it is to face, sometimes a wife has already given up. Even with a good husband who is trying, she may be emotionally done. Disinterested, resentful, or simply wanting to just be left alone. In these cases, it’s less about sex and more about her having checked out of the relationship altogether. ⁽¹⁵⁾
When a sexless marriage IS ABOUT RELATIONSHIP DYNAMICS
Sometimes it isn’t about either of you as individuals, but rather about patterns or circumstances that have quietly impacted your relationship or created unhealthy dynamics over time. ⁽¹⁶⁾
So, here are 7 possibilities about your relationship:
- The Anger–Withdrawal Cycle
The anger trap occurs when he feels rejected so often, his frustration eventually turns into anger. She senses his resentment and withdraws further. He feels even more angry, and she feels even more unsafe. This can evolve to the point where who started it doesn’t even matter because the atmosphere simply makes sex an impossibility. ⁽⁷⁾ - Communication Breakdown
If sex is off-limits as a topic, both of you will end up making assumptions. He assumes she doesn’t care. She assumes he just wants to get off. Neither is satisfied, and resentment grows. The real issue here is one of miscommunication. ⁽⁴ ¹⁷⁾ - Romance Has Disappeared
At the beginning, you probably both flirted, teased, and pursued one another. Over time, the pressures of life can make you feel more like roommates than lovers. For many men, romance starts to feel unnecessary, while for many women, sex begins to feel like a chore. ⁽⁶⁾ - Attachment Dynamics
Anxiously attached men may use sex to seek reassurance, which can feel pressuring to women. Avoidantly attached women may withdraw from intimacy altogether. When these patterns collide, both can end up feeling misunderstood, rejected, or pressured. ⁽⁵⁾ - Everyday Life Takes Over
Many couples simply don’t prioritise their relationship. Screens, hobbies, kids, work or even addictions all take precedence. Over time, conversations tend to focus on logistics and the deeper bond between you breaks down. ⁽¹⁶⁾ - The Myth of Endless Honeymoon Desire
In the early stages of a relationship, desire often feels effortless, fuelled by novelty, hormones, and excitement. But research shows that this natural spark declines over time for almost all couples and this often causes a significant drop in sexual frequency. ⁽¹⁴⁾ - When Effort Feels Too Hard
I often hear men say the effort required to bring intimacy back just isn’t worth it. Some want the sex without the conversations, vulnerability, or changes that might be needed. Similarly, some women also decide they don’t want to put in the effort anymore. She might want the stability of the marriage but not the responsibility of nurturing intimacy. ⁽¹⁸⁾
As you can see, the reasons can be deeply personal, relational, or circumstantial but identifying them is only the first step. The good news is that while the causes can be complex, there are practical steps you can take to rebuild intimacy and closeness. ⁽¹⁸⁾
how to fix a sexless marriage
Here are some starting points, and remember, this isn’t one person’s job. Rebuilding intimacy requires effort by both partners.
- Own Your Part
If you see yourself in any of the patterns, acknowledge it to yourself and to your partner and commit to making changes. Consistent effort over time can shift the atmosphere of the relationship. At the same time, your partner also needs to reflect on how they may be contributing to the situation and commit to their own journey. ⁽¹⁸⁾ - Talk with Curiosity
Have the courage to start a real conversation about what’s going on for both of you. Ask her how she feels about her body, her stress levels, if she feels her needs are being met. Listen without defensiveness and share your own feelings without blame. You might be surprised at what comes up. Interest and kindness from both sides is crucial here. ⁽⁴ ¹⁷⁾ - Communicate What Sex Really Means to You
Don’t just say you “need sex”. Explain that sex is about closeness, love, and connection with her, not just a physical release. Many women underestimate the importance of sex for men until it’s spelled out. ⁽¹⁾ - Work as a Team
Creating a kind, fulfilling and healthy relationship cannot be achieved alone. If hormones or health are involved, support each other in seeking medical help. If one of you is overwhelmed, rebalance your responsibilities together. If the romance has gone, co-create ways to bring it back. Get creative and treat it as a shared project. ⁽⁸ ⁹ ¹⁶⁾ - Be Willing to Do the Work and Ask if They Are Too
Sexual intimacy requires openness, vulnerability, and sustained effort from both partners. If either of you isn’t prepared to engage in the process, or if one wants the relationship to continue without the sex, that reality must be faced. Progress will only be possible if both of you are willing to work together. ⁽¹⁸⁾ - Invest in Yourselves
Your health, sense of purpose and confidence matter and so does hers. When both of you look after yourselves as individuals, you’ll bring more energy, fun, and excitement back into the relationship. Look after your diet, lift weights, run, sleep well, check your hormones and investigate medication side-effects. Watching a partner kick ass and take names in every area of their lives is not only inspiring and attractive, it’s also a powerful aphrodisiac. ⁽⁶⁾ - Practice Intentional Intimacy
Don’t wait for sex to happen spontaneously. Many couples find that scheduling sex or practising what I call sexual generosity helps reignite the spark. That requires showing up for one another with kindness, playfulness, and willingness. It also means increasing the amount of non-sexual touch throughout the day. When both partners make both physical touch and sex a priority in their marriage, desire often follows. ⁽²⁾
Are you affected by a Sexless marriage?
Do you need some guidance?
Book an Online Coaching Session with me here.
Laura How
Relationship Counsellor & Coach
Final Thoughts
OK, that’s a lot to digest, and I know I haven’t covered everything. Personality disorders, infidelity, mental health conditions, screen addiction or even simply being ‘touched out’ with kids hanging off her all day. The list goes on, but I hope I’ve at least covered some of the most important areas for you to work on.
And I know it’s going to involve a lot of work, but the consequences of avoiding the work are significant because sexual dissatisfaction is one of the strongest predictors of divorce. ⁽¹⁵ ¹⁾
And, even when couples in sexless marriages don’t divorce the result is usually a lifetime of platonic misery, isolation, and a litany of mental and physical health problems. ⁽¹⁴⁾
A marriage where at least one partner desires sex has to include some form of sexual connection — within realistic, circumstantial parameters. But for that to happen, both partners need to be willing to talk honestly and take steps together to improve things.
Anger doesn’t work. Pressure doesn’t work. Entitlement doesn’t work. (“I pay the bills so you should provide the sex.”) It’s teamwork or nothing.
So, sit down with your wife, face to face and have the conversation.
Tell her the lack of sexual connection in your marriage is making you miserable. —— Tell her you’re willing to work on yourself and your relationship and that you’re willing to support her through any difficulties she might have. —— Tell her you want to work on this as a team and ask her if she’s willing to do the same.
If she answers ‘yes’ then great. Consider sharing this article with her as a starting point for discussion.
If she answers ‘no’, well then at least you know where you stand.
Either way, sometimes the patterns are too entrenched, or the pain too deep, to fix on your own so find a pro-sex therapist like me to guide you toward rebuilding intimacy in a way that lasts. ⁽¹⁸⁾
You can book a session with me if you need some support.
If you’ve made it this far, I want to hear from you. Drop a comment below. Let me know about your situation, your struggles, or even what’s helped you. I reply to as many comments as I can.
If you enjoyed this post, and I hope that you did, then you might also enjoy this one where I discuss How to Become a Sexually Generous Wife.
References
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- Muise, A., Impett, E. A., Kogan, A., & Desmarais, S. (2013). Keeping the spark alive: Being motivated to meet a partner’s sexual needs fosters sexual and relationship well-being. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 30(2), 262–280. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407512452778
- Basson, R. (2001). Using a different model for women’s sexual response to address women’s sex problems. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 27(5), 365–380. https://doi.org/10.1080/009262301317081133
- Rogers, E. M. (2018). Communication in sexual relationships: Ongoing, open sexual communication as a predictor of sexual satisfaction and relationship satisfaction. The Journal of Sex Research, 55(7), 899–910. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2017.1295015
- Birnbaum, G. E., Reis, H. T., Mizrahi, M., Kanat-Maymon, Y., Sass, O., & Granovski-Milner, C. (2016). The fragile spell of desire: A functional account of changes in sexual desire across relationship development. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 111(4), 579–596. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspi0000064
- Aron, A., Norman, C. C., Aron, E. N., McKenna, C., & Heyman, R. E. (2000). Couples’ shared participation in novel and arousing activities and experienced relationship quality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(2), 273–284. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.78.2.273
- Christensen, A., & Heavey, C. L. (1990). Gender and social structure in the demand/withdraw pattern of marital conflict. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 59(1), 73–82. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.59.1.73
- Agarwal, S., Chaudhary, A., & Nagar, A. (2020). Postpartum female sexual function: A systematic review. Cureus, 12(4), e7570. https://doi.org/10.7759/cureus.7570
- The North American Menopause Society. (2020). The 2020 genitourinary syndrome of menopause position statement. Menopause, 27(9), 976–992. https://doi.org/10.1097/GME.0000000000001609
- NHS. (2024). Antidepressants—Side effects (including sexual side effects). https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/talking-therapies-medicine-treatments/medicines-and-psychiatry/antidepressants/overview
- Montejo, A. L., Llorca, G., Izquierdo, J. A., & Rico-Villademoros, F. (2001). Incidence of sexual dysfunction associated with antidepressant agents: A prospective multicenter study of 1022 outpatients. The Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, 62(Suppl 3), 10–21. https://doi.org/10.4088/JCP.v62n0305
- van den Brink, F., Smeets, M. A. M., Hessen, D. J., Talens, S., Woertman, L., & Georgiadis, J. R. (2019). Body image and female sexual functioning and behavior: A review. Journal of Sex Research, 56(2), 101–128. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2018.1493559
- Morrison, T. G., Beaulieu, D., Brockman, M., & Beagan, B. L. (2019). The Sexual Shame Inventory: Scale construction and validation. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 45(1), 21–40. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2018.1497315
- Klusmann, D. (2002). Sexual motivation and the duration of partnership. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 31(3), 275–287. https://doi.org/10.1023/A:1015205020769
- Yeh, H. C., Lorenz, F. O., Wickrama, K. A. S., Conger, R. D., & Elder Jr, G. H. (2006). Relationships among sexual satisfaction, marital quality, and marital instability at midlife. Journal of Family Psychology, 20(2), 339–343. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.20.2.339
- Mark, K. P., & Lasslo, J. A. (2018). Maintaining sexual desire in long-term relationships: A systematic review and conceptual model. Journal of Sex Research, 55(4-5), 563–581. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2018.1437592
- Rehman, U. S., & Holtzworth-Munroe, A. (2007). A cross-cultural examination of the relation of marital communication behavior to marital satisfaction. Journal of Family Psychology, 21(4), 759–763. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.21.4.759
- Hertlein, K. M., & Weeks, G. R. (2009). Toward a more systemic understanding of infidelity: A methodological review of the last 25 years of research. Journal of Family Psychology, 23(2), 104–113. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0014355
Recommended Reading About Sexless marriages
His Needs, Her Needs
‘This book will educate you in the care of your spouse,’ explains Dr Willard Harley. ‘Once you have learned its lessons, your spouse will find you irresistible, a condition that’s essential to a happy and successful marriage.’
This fresh and highly entertaining book identifies the ten most important needs within marriage for husbands and wives. It teaches you how to fulfil each other’s needs. Couples who find each other irresistible during the early years of their marriage may become incompatible if they fail to meet these central needs. According to Dr Harley, the needs of men and women are similar, but their priorities are vastly different.
Are you able to identify which of the following needs are his and which are hers? In what order would you place them? Admiration, Affection, An attractive spouse, Conversation, Domestic support, Family commitment, Financial support, Honesty and openness, Recreational companionship, Sexual fulfilment.
The Passionate Marriage
Passionate Marriage has long been recognized as the pioneering book on intimate human relationships. Now with a new preface by the author, this updated edition explores the ways we can keep passion alive and even reach the height of sexual and emotional fulfillment later in life. Acclaimed psychologist David Schnarch guides couples toward greater intimacy with proven techniques developed in his clinical practice and worldwide workshops. Chapters―covering everything from understanding love relationships to helpful “tools for connections” to keeping the sparks alive years down the road―provide the scaffolding for overcoming sexual and emotional problems. This inspirational book is sure to help couples invigorate their relationships and reach the fullest potential in their love lives.
The Sex-Starved Marriage
Bring the spark back into your bedroom and your relationship with gutsy and effective advice from bestselling author Michele Weiner Davis. It is estimated that one of every three married couples struggles with problems associated with mismatched sexual desire. If you want to stop fighting about sex and revitalize your intimate connection with your spouse, then you need this book. In “The Sex-Starved Marriage,” bestselling author Michele Weiner Davis will help you understand why being complacent or bitter about ho-hum sex might cost you your relationship. Full of moving first-hand accounts from couples who have struggled with the erosion of sexual desire and rebuilt their passionate connection, “The Sex-Starved Marriage” addresses every aspect of the sexual libido problem.
All of the points in your video I guess are my fault. We have been married for 38 years, I would hasten to add though even though I have failed in every point some of the points are progressive as I withdrew from asking her for sex many years probably decades now I can’t remember and this has made me guilty of a lot of the points as I naturally withdrew BUT, I have offered her and wouldn’t hold back on anything she wants from the little things like cosmetics to nice clothes to spa days with her best friend even make friends to having even if she wanted to have a lover, she says she isn’t interested at all and doesn’t even want to go out. She stays in and does jigsaws the only time she goes out is to her church and the old dears group.
It’s just got progressive and I guess I have withdrawn from her… I do know that I could try harder and that I do lots of things that she doesn’t like I guess I’m unliveable really and I don’t know why she even wants me ..
I feel utterly hopeless we were both virgins (well I was, she says she was but I truly believe she has a very selective memory – things she told me years ago that would indicate issues she denies she even told me) and I was set up at a Christmas party (I did feel very flattered though) and a wife of a colleague basically offered me on a plate anything and I did meet her for sex once and I withdrew from guilt after that), this led to me having an affair with another woman for over a year…my wife wanted me back although I felt it would have been better to go solo as I had already moved out (my own choice despute her not wanting me to leave) and I knew I had to end my affair as the other woman was married and didn’t want to leave her husband in fact we only had sex about 5 times in 12 months we enjoyed a mutual interest in walking and going out and we did both really fancy each other and it was romantic (although I guess I must have been to her a bit of a let down too as she would never have wanted to leave her husband and I would never have asked her to sacrifice her marriage)
My wife wanted me back and I wanted to make a clean start but nothing changed after and despite all this, it was like the genie came out of the bottle and I was going straight when I bumped into the parter of a couple we knew for years and she stared chatting and it lead to a discussion about friends with benefits …and we did it about 6 times and I was again struck by guilt and I guess this woman was dissapointed with me as I’m rubbish at sex, particularly I f8nd it difficult to come … possibly medication, Ed, I do t know,..
Right from the start sex I a,ways thought with her was like her way of maybe trapping me when we met, she never really showed any interest and very early instigated it … she also was told by some idiot to never wash herself down there as they said soap can cause her irritation but this made her smell down there so that sort of made me a little wary but it wasn’t such a problem back then.
What really frustrates me more than anything is whenever I ask for help or describe my problems it’s always thrown back at me and everyone always takes the side of the woman and it ALWAYS my fault …Im so fed up with being judged … as I KNOW I have failed in so many way BUT I do try but she NEVER wants to even go anywhere near the topic I always made her know that I WILL not ask her for sex if she doesn’t want it
Sorry for the detail… I don’t think you have time to read it and I don’t expect you to reply I guess I’m just offloading …
If you have any helpful links please if you could pass the, on.
Thank you,
Regards
Chris
Chris, I totally understand your situation! I’m in the same spot. (Sexless, friends with benefits, girlfriends) I don’t know what to do anymore, I think we’re going to split over this. With no intimacy, I’m losing my feelings for her and less interested in trying, as it seems she has given up too.
David
This article has been updated based on reader feedback to include female reasons, relationship reasons and solutions. Thank you!
Hey Chris, I really felt your comment, man. You’ve clearly been through a lot, and honestly, just the fact that you’re still trying to reflect and make sense of it all says a lot about you. The author of this article hit on something I think really applies here — how over time, emotional disconnection on either side can quietly build into this huge wall. Sounds like in your case, you both pulled away in your own ways, and now you’re stuck in that space where you feel invisible, unappreciated, and maybe even judged no matter what you do.
Maybe now it’s less about what you can offer her and more about what you need to rebuild in yourself. This is exactly what I did and it turned my entire marriage around. I’m not sure if links are allowed, but there’s an extremely helpful guide on this at: http://RebuildPassion.info – You’re not unlovable or broken — just probably exhausted from trying to carry both sides of this for so long. Maybe it’s time to stop asking her to meet you halfway and start showing up for yourself, just a bit more each day.
This article has been updated based on reader feedback to include female reasons, relationship reasons and solutions. Thank you!
This is always what happens when it comes to sex starved marriages. Men are always told it’s their fault. Almost every time I’ve seen it. The sex always slowed down or stopped first. The real reason your wife doesn’t want to have sex? Shes already getting what she wants out of the marriage. She was never a sexual person to begin with. Women are taught from a young age to use their sexuality to acquire what they want. For most women it’s merely a tool to control.
Women learn from an young age that sex is shameful and something they should not do. Then they get married and they need to switch to having the opposite attitude – sex is great and something they want. In marriage, they need to feel emotionally close and safe to be in the mood to have sex. Most women don’t have a spontaneous desire like men, they have to work at creating the desire. Hard to justify working at it when men’t attitude is that they are entitled to sex no matter what.
Men learn from a young age that helping around the house is something they should not do. Then they get married and they need to switch to having the opposite attitude–helping around the house is great and something they should want to do. In marriage, they need to feel sexually close to be in the mood to help around the house. Most men don’t have a spontaneous desire to help like women; they have to work at creating the desire. Hard to justify working at it when women’s attitude is that they are entitled to the man helping around the house no matter what.
This article has been updated based on reader feedback (like yours – thank you) to include female reasons, relationship reasons and solutions. I appreciate your feedback.
Why ohh Why is it always the men that should be constantly trying to make the woman feel good about herself, if she does not want sex and can’t understand men connect with physical intimacy that’s how we feel close and loved, sex should never be a job that needs done, either you find us as attractive as we find you or there is no point taking it further, if men want sex with you it’s because we find you sexy attractive and gorgeous, if you can’t look at a man the same way then that is on you not us. stop trying to blame the men for your lack of emotion we have feelings too, so show some respect to the man that works all hours to keep the house and bills being paid, you wanted equality so stand up and be counted, it’s not all about what the man can do, it’s a joint effort so pitch in.
AND MEN STOP BLAMING YOURSELF FOR THIS LACK OF SEX OR TOUCHING IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT EITHER
Read “Come as you are” By Emily Nagoski if you want to learn about how women’s sexual desire is different than a man’s desire. You assume that they are the same. They are not. And then you blame women (we are used to it!). Women’s desire is responsive – meaning in response to what you do. Have an attitude like yours and you kill her desire for you. Take time to understand her and love and support her – she will want to have sex with you. This is one area where nature was very wise.
What happened to my post?
I’ve done all of what you’ve said, and nothing has changed in 17 years.
I have seen how she was while having an affair also! She was all in to sex then. Funny. I’m the one doing everything for her, but the other guy gets the benefit.
It’s hopeless for men like me. I’m an attractive man. I have a harder time getting sex at home than I would if I stepped out, but I don’t want to do that. That wouldn’t make me feel good.
The reality is that she’s not attracted to me, for whatever reason. There’s no hope for change. So my only option now is to put divorce on the table, which essentially means it’s dead for me. There’s no coming back from that once I decide to move forward, which is why this has been so difficult to do in the first place.
That’s where these attitudes come from. We don’t start with these attitudes. This is built. The resentment is the only thing nurtured by our wives.
Stop with the victim attitude ( “we’re used to it”). Every single article is written towards the man telling them they’re the ENTIRE problem. Every. Single. One.
This article has been updated based on reader feedback (like yours – thank you) to include female reasons, relationship reasons and solutions. I appreciate your feedback.
I’m going through the same thing with my wife she just doesn’t want sex or make love to me it makes me feel like I’m not good enough at all I have been writing here letters ever day for the last year and seams like she doesn’t care about what they say I’m very worried we have been married for 24 years and. Been together for 29 years…..
So in other words, before a man can expect to have sex with his wife, he has to fulfill a laundry list of nearly impossible feats. Why doesn’t the woman have to learn how to please a man? Why is it expected that the man do all the transformational changing?
“Why doesn’t the woman have to learn how to please a man?”
https://laurahow.com/becoming-a-sexually-generous-wife/
So I did read the link you provided, and it was a thoughtful and insightful post. Let me say I really like your content. I find there to be such a dearth of content online which deals with the need for women what men need. I’d love to see a post from you that completes the thought you had at the end of the post you referenced, “practise being more sexually generous towards your husband.” How about a post entitled, “10 ways for a woman to practise being more sexually generous towards her husband.”? That would be an incredible post that might challenge women in your sphere of influence to be more thoughtful about pleasing their men, and cause more men to be interested in your content. Maybe?
Or maybe this, “How women can fix a sexless marriage.”
Almost 8 years ago, I had a radical prostatectomy which left me unable to get an election. My urologist ordered a pump. I practiced with it and after a month, I asked my wife if we could get intimate and try it. She didn’t have to say a word. By the look on her face, I knew the answer. Nothing happened. I went to using Trimix giving myself injections. When I was ready to try to be intimate with my wife, I was basically shut down. We don’t hug or kiss or anything now. I tried to talk to her about it, but she never has anything to say. She won’t let me touch her. I can’t even giver her a little pat on the butt anymore. She tells me she loves me. I tell her that she may love me, but she isn’t “in love with me”. She never says anything after that. I’m lost and lonely.
This article has been updated based on reader feedback (like yours – thank you) to include female reasons, relationship reasons and solutions. I appreciate your feedback.
Yeah…All 10 of those are taken care of. My wife simply said that she doesn’t really like sex. She was willing to do it to have a baby and to convince me to marry her, but now she said that she feels no obligation to ever have sex with me again.
Plain and simple. Wives don’t get to move the goalpost in a marriage and require things to fulfill their promise to care for your physical needs. All the issues you mentioned above result from the wife ‘growing used to her husband”. She gets used to having him around and stops celebrating him, stops having genuine appreciation for what he does for her and therefore stops showing that appreciation with affection and sex. This makes him feel used, taken advantage of, and so while he still continues to provide and care for her it’s no longer done with the same gusto and she feels that, she feels how he has drawn back from her because no one feels like being close to an abuser, and she feels that distance.
Instead of thinking how she can help or what she may have done to contribute to the situation, she comes up with all the things he needs to do to fix things.
Remember, he did all these things, he made you feel safe and you trusted him, that’s why you married him. It wasn’t that he changed, it’s you changed him by how you treated him. So you have to fix it, not by making a list of todos for him then sitting back gatekeeping sex till hubby finishes his relationship chore list. Be a big girl and admit that you did the same thing lots of other women have done and you took you husband for granted and tell him you want to change,THEN CHANGE!if it’s honest change hewill see and feel it and you will get your husband back.
Lists like the one above only serve to give women an out and spare them from accountability only further pushing their husband away.
This article has been updated based on reader feedback (like yours – thank you) to include female reasons, relationship reasons and solutions. I appreciate your feedback.
42m and married 20 years. Have always strived to do all the things you listed.
Women WANT these things.
What happens when they have them consistently? They are not valued, taken for granted, and they lose desire. They have complete control of you and the bedroom.
I started looking into men’s studies and experience. They tell a different story.
I didn’t believe it until I tried it and my wife is now treating me in all the ways you listed in your article.
I want to note that I am not a controversial person. I enjoyed your article. Im also frustrated that “what women SAY they want and need” vs men providing these things leads them to lose desire.
They WANT DESIRE these things. I’m not playing games now. I’m not being rude. I’m just done being taken for granted.
This article has been updated based on reader feedback (like yours – thank you) to include female reasons, relationship reasons and solutions. I appreciate your feedback.
This entire article seems to be extremely biased. Everything is the man’s fault.
I have now updated this article based on useful feedback like yours. I now include many other reasons to do with the wife and the relationship along with solutions. Thanks for your feedback!
I should have left when she demonstrated she was done with the physical part of marriage but not done with me taking care of her, paying the bills, providing security, maintaining her car, taking her on vacation, etc.
I don’t hate her. I still care for her, but there’s no escaping the daily punishment. My confidants say I’m a saint for staying with her, but that’s not true at all. I’m just not mad enough to hurt her the way my leaving would inevitably hurt her.
We stopped having sex when I was in my early 40s–so many years ago. I never dreamed my life would be like this. Living my life with a roommate who doesn’t pay her share of the bills, who expects me to take care of her as if she’s my lover, who doesn’t even allow me the privacy a roommate is owed.
I sing her to sleep most nights, I take care of her when she’s sick, I take her to visit her family, I take care of her cat, I cook meals for her. I tell her I love her when I leave the house and when we talk on the phone. I’ve never hit her or even made her think I might. I’ve never cheated on her. But none of what I do, none of what I am was meaningful enough to her to keep her from ending our physical relationship.
It’s not that she’s not a bad person or mean or heartless. I believe she truly cares for me–truly loves me. Just not in any way that does me any good.
The biggest mistake I made in life was getting married. It took everything I ever wanted from me. Because I got married, I will never have the things I wanted out of life. It has even taken hope, and maybe that’s the worst of it. I don’t have anything left to hope for other than minimum hassle between now and the time I die, and, apparently, even that’s too much to ask.
It’s really all moot at this point–I’m not asking for a solution. Even if she decided she wanted to revive some sort of physical relationship after almost 20 years without, I don’t think I could motivate myself to go along. I’m just so tired, so utterly defeated.
I was willing to give her anything, everything. She took it all and left me with nothing, not hope, not privacy, not freedom. And she will never stop taking until I die.
If I had stopped taking care of her, stopped paying her bills, stopped being faithful to her, stopped being a husband to her, then I would be the bad guy. But she can stop taking care of me and if I complain I’m still the bad guy. I’m to blame for trying to make our relationship “transactional”. Well, the reality is that there are only two types of relationships, symbiotic and parasitic. I’m no longer getting anything out of this relationship, but I have to pretend it’s my fault, I have to pretend that I’m ok with it and I have to go on.
I’m not claiming that this is the whole story because it’s just a few paragraphs. I’m sure she has her side–I don’t know what she would say, but she’s very smart, so I have no doubt it would be very convincing. But everything I’ve said here is the truth, except for what is below.
James
One of the principle differences between men and women is that men are *generally* willing to have sex for free, women are *generally* unwilling. It’s ironic that women frequently accuse men of reducing sex to a commodity, of making a relationship transactional, when men complain that they aren’t getting sex, while women are the ones who treat it that way in actual practice.
The women who make the most “noise” about sex not being something that should be traded are the ones who “charge” the most for it. A prostitute would never ask a man to buy her a minivan or a house, or tell him to take care of her cats, cook her meals, pay her credit card bills, adopt her children, take her on vacation, or give up half his income for life, in return for sex.
At some point in most long-lasting marriages (10+ years), the woman reaches the point that she is confident she can maintain her position without further effort and the sex stops or nearly stops. What’s devastating about this is that it lets the man know unequivocally (if he’s sufficiently intelligent to think it through and is also willing to confront reality), what the real situation was all along. It was rough when my wife immediately started rationing sex after the honeymoon–it hurt to realize that her enthusiasm was apparently far more about getting than about keeping and that she was going to decide what my needs were regardless of what I had to say about the matter. It was harder years later when my wife stopped having sex with me altogether–I’ll never get over it–I can’t really describe the emptiness and the need. It was worse when I finally realized why she had been willing to have sex with me for so long and that it had almost nothing to do with two people mutually meeting each other’s needs.
I remember distinctly only two times in our marriage after our honeymoon when we made love spontaneously because she could tell I needed her. Other than that it was always about what she wanted, or what she thought was appropriate or was required of her. I found a book she bought, written for women by a woman explaining what men really need as far as sex goes. It was a joke, but the author was supremely confident in her opinion. I realized it was never about me, it was nearly exclusively about what kept her from feeling guilty–how little could she give me and still feel good about herself.
I have talked to a number of married men and the exceptions to this pattern of behavior are depressingly rare.
So I meet her needs because that’s what a husband does–that’s what everyone expects me to do and what I expect from myself. What about my needs? That’s my responsibility too–and if I complain about it publicly, I’m the bad guy. So much for the idea of marriage being a partnership.
Yes, she has medical issues and she’s past menopause now, but that doesn’t excuse a total abandonment of our physical relationship. And yes, I’ve let myself slip–especially after I finally realized after many years, that we were never, ever, going to have sex again. Just for the record, and I’m sure no one will believe this; we NEVER made love that she didn’t orgasm at least once. So it wasn’t that she wasn’t being physically fulfilled–at least at the purely biological level.
I’m not claiming I’m a model husband, and you don’t have to believe me, but I do a pretty good job. I take care of her, try to keep her happy, I’ve never cheated on her and never will, I’ve never hit her, or or even made her think I might. I’ve never threatened to leave her. I remember our anniversary, I tell her I love her every day. I sing her to sleep most nights. I take her to visit her family–that’s virtually the only “vacation” I ever get. She doesn’t cook, so I do the cooking. She doesn’t have to work, I make sure the bills are paid and that she has good medical insurance. I’ve never asked her about her previous marriage or compared her to any of my previous girlfriends. There’s more, but you’re probably already having trouble believing this much.
This is just my side of it. I’m sure she would tell parts of it differently, but I haven’t lied about any of what I’ve said, nor have I left out anything material.
Ok, here’s something about her, from my perspective. She is a good person; I think she’s about the best match for me I could imagine. I can’t imagine being married to anyone else. She truly loves me as far as I can tell. She has never cheated on me and I think she never would. She likes my family and gets along with them. Her family believes I’m the best thing that’s happened to her and they love me. They’re all nice people and I like them. She calls me at work and tells me about her day and wants to know how I’m doing. She thanks me for the things I do for her. She doesn’t constantly hound me with to do lists. I don’t think she does any of the things she does out of malice because she’s not that kind of person at all. She’s not some horrible person–she’s actually very sweet, very kind, very intelligent and just a good example of a human being in general, if you ask me. But she is a woman and therefore she refuses to understand men.
Just for fun, do you know what divorce rates look like for different types of marriages? Woman-woman marriages are out in front by a huge margin. Next is man-woman marriages. Finally, with the lowest divorce rates are man-man marriages. It’s all purely theoretical from my perspective because I’m not a woman and male-male just doesn’t do it for me at all. But it is thought-provoking to note that the fewer women in the relationship, the lower the divorce rate.
This is just for you to think about. I doubt you will never publish it or the previous comment I made. Of course, my name is not Dale Neubauer, nor is it James Young, or whatever I used the last time.
Dale
I’m 100% confident that I could talk my wife into having sex, that I could help her understand how important it is to me, I could threaten or beg, or maybe do all of it. Doing so is problematic from several standpoints.
1. If I explain how important sex is to me, and she actually does love me as much as I think she does, it would be catastrophic for her to realize how much she has hurt me. This has literally destroyed the person I was. I lost my religious faith over this—she doesn’t know any of that and I don’t want her to because I think it would hurt her too much.
2. I don’t want to have sex with someone who doesn’t want to have sex with me. There’s a name for people who don’t think that way–’rapists’. If she doesn’t want to have sex with me, then I care too much about her to make her do it.
3. It’s been so long, frankly, I don’t want to start again at this point. My looks aren’t what they are, my physical conditioning aren’t what they were. I don’t want to go to the trouble of getting her to agree to having sex and then find out that I literally can’t.
4. This should always have been about her being enthusiastic about having sex with me because she enjoys it and because she knows how much I enjoy it, and being willing to maintain that enthusiasm for her whole life. That’s what I meant when I stood up and made my promises, but it’s clear that she had a whole different view from the beginning.
5. From discussions with my married guy friends, it seems that she is pretty normal since they are all in pretty much the same situation I am. So I would literally be trying to push her to be something she is not. I’m not that guy.
6. There’s a non-zero chance of being accused of rape if I convince her to have sex when she doesn’t really want to. I don’t think it’s likely, but it is always something a man has to keep in mind.
7. Back when I was newly celibate, we had long talks on the topic. Not me begging or threatening, or cajoling, just trying to find common ground and trying to explain what I needed and wanted. She always listened patiently, always seemed to be on board, and then nothing changed. Now I think back on those talks and I feel nauseated at the things I said that she apparently dismissed. I really don’t think she was laughing inside while she listened—but realizing now that she had no plans to do any of the things I suggested, but it’s impossible not to wonder. And I don’t have any more motivation for long talks like that. I’m not going to build more memories that help convince me what a chump I am.
Here’s the bottom line. It’s very simple.
If a woman marries a man without thoroughly believing, and being willing to actively and determinedly work toward the goal of being just as enthusiastic about initiating sex with him for the rest of their life as she is on their honeymoon, then she is marrying him under false pretenses. He believes she is his, body and soul, but that is virtually always a lie—at least in the long term. Even if she really does believe it at the beginning but changes her mind as the relationship progresses, she should be willing to leave the relationship with nothing at that point.
Let’s turn it around and look at it from a different perspective. Let’s say a guy marries a woman with no plans to be faithful, no plans to provide for her or take care of her and love her for the rest of her life, but only plans to do those things for the beginning of their relationship. Is it ok for him to stop meeting her needs when he doesn’t feel like it any more? Let’s say he really did mean it at the beginning, but then he changes his mind. In either case, if he leaves her at the point when he no longer feels like he needs to meet her needs, should he be entitled to anything from her when he leaves?
Let’s not have a double standard.
I can hear the responses already. “So it’s all about sex to you, then, isn’t it?” “You just see marriage as a transaction, not a relationship.” “Why is sex the only thing you care about?” “What makes you think you’re entitled to sex?”
Well, clearly it’s not all about sex. I’ve been married to her longer since the sex stopped than we were married when we were having sex. If it were all about sex, if sex was the only thing I cared about, I would have left years ago. I could also have found someone else to have sex with me if that was all that mattered, but I didn’t and I won’t. I have friends who are in the same boat. Very upset about the loss of their physical relationship with their wives but willing to remain with them in spite of it. So it’s not just all about sex.
I don’t see marriage as purely transactional where the man gets sex and the woman gets security. Again, if I felt that way, I would have left once I was no longer being “paid” for the effort I put forth.
Do I feel entitled to sex since I’m married? To be absolutely accurate, I feel entitled to the type of relationship that was “advertised” to me and that I believed I was promised. If my wife had told me up front–“Hey, I know you think I’m hot for you and all right now, but after we get married, I’m going to be the gatekeeper of our physical relationship. I’ll be the one who unilaterally decides what you need and when you need it, and eventually, I’m going to cut you off altogether.”– I wouldn’t have gotten married. At least not to her. Yes, of course I was stupid to think that our relationship would be different from the ones I could see around me, but it’s important to understand that biology trumps logic. And in my defense, she never gave a hint how different it would be after we were married. Like an idiot, when she got up and promised in front of everyone that I would be hers to have and to hold, I believed it.
Look, I didn’t get married for the tax break. I don’t need a roommate to afford the house I live in. I didn’t get married to gain a housekeeper. I can do my own laundry or pay someone else to do it. I can do my own housekeeping or pay someone else to do it. I can cook for myself. I don’t need a social planner. Yeah, I was lonely sometimes, but I had friends with common interests and I could spend time with them. I had hobbies that didn’t require a group. I never really cared about having kids. What I needed, what I wanted was a lover who was also my best friend, who was committed to me and to the relationship, who thought of us as two parts of one whole. Someone who could see what my needs were and who would delight in meeting them. Someone I could tell everything to. Someone I could relax with because she really wanted me, not me trying to be something I’m not. That’s what I wanted to be to her and and that’s what I wanted her to be to me.
As far as my contribution to the current debacle, I’m not going to paint myself as completely innocent. When our physical relationship changed so abruptly after we got married, I was really hurt, and I immediately changed how I had been behaving as well. That was, no doubt, very damaging to our relationship. I did try to talk about it, but that was ineffective. I couldn’t believe she had been putting on a show just to get me to marry her, so I convinced myself she was punishing me for something and I reacted in kind. Not overtly, I didn’t hit her, I didn’t insult her or gaslight her, but I stopped working around the house other than doing what was absolutely necessary. I’m pretty handy, and I had been spending a lot of time and effort fixing things up but when I decided she was letting me know she was unhappy about something in our relationship and my attempts to communicate had no effect, I decided that two could play that game.
It’s easy to write this off as just another angry and sexually frustrated guy, but there’s more to it than that. Guys are EASY to understand. If you get the least bit confused about what we want, what we are all about, just ASK. Nearly any guy will tell you plainly. But it’s not necessary, you can just look around–just observe. We aren’t trying to hide anything.
So don’t try to pretend this is complicated. You’re not fooling anyone other than perhaps yourself. It’s simple–and it has always been simple. Guys haven’t suddenly changed in the past couple of generations.
Yes, I have focused on sex in my comments, but then again, that’s the topic.
Do you want a real question to answer, one that actually makes sense? It isn’t: “Why won’t my wife have sex with me?” Here are some questions that might actually provide useful answers.
Why do so many women marry, knowing that most men want a meaningful physical relationship, when they have no intent of working towards maintaining that goal throughout the marriage? Do you remember when Viagra first hit the market. I remember women saying things like: “I put in my time having sex–I thought we were done with that and now I have to do it again.” Like having sex with their husband was a punitive sentence with an end in sight.
Why do so many women expect certain things from men in a marriage and believe it’s reasonable to feel wronged if they don’t get those things, but at the same time if a man predictably expects a meaningful physical relationship to be part of the marriage, that’s something that the man should just be willing to abandon if the woman decides it’s no longer in the cards?
Why do so many women think it is fair to completely change the nature of a marriage unilaterally AND also feel like they are the wronged one if the man reacts predictably?
If there’s no intent at all to deceive, if physical attraction isn’t being commonly used as a tool to entice men into a relationship, why does sex tend to fall off so abruptly after marriage?
If getting married is an important enough goal to make engaging in a physical relationship worthwhile, why isn’t helping to maintain the marriage by maintaining the physical relationship just as important
If all the listed things (from the article above) are important enough to women that they are willing to jettison a part of the relationship that they know is very important to their partner, why isn’t it important enough for them to escape from the relationship altogether? I mean, if they don’t feel secure, if they aren’t physically attracted, etc., etc., why don’t they get away from the person that is contributing to all these negative feelings?
If you want the answer to the title question, here it is:
Women stop having sex with their husbands because they think they can do it and get away with it (i.e. maintain all the beneficial effects of marriage from their perspective) even though they realize how much they are hurting their husbands with the decision. They do it because they see their friends have done it and gotten away with it. They do it because they want to stop and when they feel like they can, they do. They do it because, for some reason I don’t fully understand, it is difficult for a woman to maintain the idea that sharing her body with a man to meet his needs is really a positive thing and so any reason not to do it is a good reason.
So what about all these “reasons” women stop having sex?
If she doesn’t feel safe, she should leave—not stay in the relationship halfway and be distant. If a person in a relationship feels so unsafe that they must unilaterally change the nature of the relationship, it’s time to go. But she doesn’t go, because she’s deriving benefit from the relationship and doesn’t want to lose that benefit. Unfortunately, that’s very obviously cheating. When two people have a contract, formal or informal, and one person decides to change that contract, the ethical course of action is to renegotiate—which risks dissolving the contract entirely. It is unethical to unilaterally make the change without consulting the partner. Certainly it wouldn’t make sense to expect the other person in the contract to continue fulfilling all their responsibilities in that situation.
If she doesn’t feel connected, the solution is not to disconnect further. The rational options are to leave or to address the issues causing disconnection. I wanted to be connected—I wanted us to share everything, be everything to each other. She made it clear that she wasn’t willing to share and eventually, I began to see that my needs were disgusting to her. Not necessarily extremely disgusting, but distasteful. I’m not going to take the rap for being disconnected—I had to destroy my entire worldview and philosophy to survive losing my lover and now the main reason I can keep going is because I’m a completely different person than I was then. She will never make me cry again and knowing that is one of the saddest things I can think of. And yes, of course I’m disconnected now. I had to remake myself to survive and part of that was rennovation was ensuring that she was no longer so integral to who I am that my emotional wellbeing was threatened by her decisions.
I made her feel liked and loved in every way I knew how. I made it clear that she could tell me what she wanted from me and I would provide it. I’m not just talking about my body—I gave her my whole life and everything I had. Then, suddenly, she wasn’t willing to share herself anymore. I didn’t have more to give her, I had already given her everything. And, to add insult to injury, she wasn’t even willing to sit down with me to redefine our relationship or dissolve it.
If she doesn’t feel excited by me, she shouldn’t have married me. It’s no secret that people change both mentally and physically with time. I can’t stop providing for her just because she’s gained weight, is older and has gray hair now—that would be reprehensible. And I knew that was going to happen and took it into account when I decided to marry her. But she can stop providing for me and claim it’s because I don’t excite her any more? Give me a break. Neither my vows nor hers contained any caveats that said lack of excitement was adequate grounds for cutting off various aspects of our relationship or abrogating some of our vows.
She shouldn’t feel smothered by knowing I like her and need her. I remember once she got mad at me for casually caressing her when I passed by her in the house and we were alone. She jumped on me about it with surprising vehemence. So I stopped. Then, some time later, she complained that I must not like her any more because I never did that any longer. If a man pulled that kind of thing he would be accused of gaslighting.
I don’t know if she mentally enjoyed sex with me or not, but physically, it always worked very well for both of us. I think the lack of sex has probably negatively impacted her too—not just me. But that negative impact was obviously insufficient to keep her doing it, nor was the complete lack of sex enough to motivate her to start her doing it again after she stopped.
Sure, she’s struggling with hormones and health now, but that doesn’t address what was going on before menopause. I’m reliably informed that age is no barrier to sex. But that didn’t stop her from completely ending our physical relationship in our early 40s.
As far as her having body shame, there’s nothing that helps that more than knowing someone else wants to have sex with you. That someone is so devoted to you that they find you attractive no matter what and still wants to maintain a physical relationship with you. I thought growing old with her would be a process of continual joyful discovery—what a fool I was.
She may carry some kind of sexual baggage or shame about sex. I don’t know—but it certainly didn’t stop us from having sex early in our relationship. Everyone wants to talk about the long term situation as if it happens in a vacuum, but the reality that I see when I look around is a change in the physical aspect of the relationship beginning very early in the relationship, primarily due to the woman’s choices.
Look, these reasons are excuses, and most of them very poor excuses.
The reality is that women stop having sex when they feel like they can get away with it. In the beginning, they trade sex for what they want and then when they think they have sufficient security, their willingness to “pay” for what they already have naturally deteriorates. They may have trouble admitting that reality to themselves—they may come up with all kinds of creative ways to rationalize it so that they don’t have to feel guilty about cutting off part of the relationship while expecting the man to keep up with all his responsibilities. But that doesn’t change the truth. The truth is that the woman wants all the benefits of the relationship to continue while changing her input to the relationship unilaterally. That’s dangerously close to parasitism.
A healthy relationship benefits both parties and, if not in reality, at least in perception, both persons in the relationship should feel they benefit equally. I’m not talking about some daily, carefully quantized accounting, I’m talking about personal perception. Obviously the details will differ from one relationship to another because of the differences in individuals; but it is important for both people in the relationship to maintain a positive attitude about the relationship and ultimately that comes down to a perception of parity.
The truly insidious thing about this situation is that the better, the more ethical, the more responsible the man, the more vulnerable he is. There are men who will just leave when the relationship changes—I’ve known some and seen it happen. But the men who will stick it out, continue to provide, continue to contribute to the relationship, continue to fulfill their responsibilities, that take the hit. I just love how fair life is.
It was simpler when a woman could see that she and her children survived the day because her husband saved them from a wild animal, or another man, or found or grew enough food for her and the children for one more day or one more week. Now that survival isn’t so dramatically won, the appreciation for sacrifice seems to have waned. Obviously earning a paycheck and paying for secure accommodations isn’t usually as hard or dangerous as fighting off a wild animal or hunting or growing food by hand, but that doesn’t change what men need from a relationship to feel whole.
All of the reasons provided are evasion, rationalization and self-deception. Addressing those issues won’t change anything because they avoid the underlying cause Change comes from both parties understanding that healthy relationships are about two people meeting each other’s needs. It’s two people understanding that there’s beauty in that, there’s fulfillment, security, positive reinforcement, relationship strengthening, there’s connection, safety, healing, romance, escape, and enjoyment. That learning how to be there for someone in the ways that they need you as opposed to in the ways you think they should need you is deeply rewarding and contributes to personal growth, self-actualization and satisfaction. And that’s true regardless of whether you’re talking to a man or a woman.
Dale Neubauer
All of this, and still the entire duty of fixing it goes to the biological male. I’m nonbinary, and I’m so tired of being responsible. Why is your wife refusing to make an effort your responsibility? People control themselves. The ‘man’, shouldn’t need to bend over backwards to have his wife appreciate him. He shouldn’t constantly have to be the one that’s emotionally vulnerable. As much as you say it isn’t just ‘the man’, but you still treat the entirety as OUR responsibility. Why isn’t it hers? Why is it never hers? Why do we have to fix everything? The responsibility of fixing a relationship and changing is always on the man. I’m so tired of it.
I’m definitely not saying it’s always men’s fault! I often speak directly to wives about their part too. For example, Becoming a Sexually Generous Wife challenges women to take responsibility, be generous, and recognise their role in the sexual health of the marriage.
This particular article’s aimed at men because they’re usually the ones searching for answers when sex disappears that’s all.
Biologically, sex is generally more straightforward for men. Testosterone drives desire, and men have far more of it. Emotional disconnection or stress doesn’t usually reduce male desire the way it can for women. For women, desire is usually context-dependent. Tension, relationship strain, or feeling unseen can switch it off. So it makes it look like the responsibility sits with him, but it’s more nuanced than that. She has responsibility too. If she refuses to engage or put in any effort, nothing will change. The focus here is on what he can actually influence, because he’s the one reading it. So it comes across maybe a little one sided – but it’s mean to be helpful!
Emotional disconnection and stress can reduce male desire to stay in the relationship and make him not want to keep up his responsibilities in the relationship. My desire to provide for my wife is definitely context-dependent. Tension, relationship strain, and feeling unseen and unappreciated can switch off all my desire to stay and take care of her. It can make me want to leave the house without telling her I love her. It can make me want to tell her to pay her own bills, fix the car herself, take care of the lawn herself, etc. But if I actually take that tack, it’s accepted that I’m being a bad husband and neglecting my responsibilities–it’s not my right to stop taking care of her and providing for her just because I’m stressed or emotionally disconnected or under tension or because the relationship is strained, or because I feel unseen. In fact, if I give it all up and leave, the courts can even force me to continue providing for her like I promised I would.
But she can give up on the physical aspect of our relationship and I’m supposed to just accept that it’s her right to do that. To be clear, before anyone starts frothing at the mouth, I’m absolutely not suggesting that the courts should force women to have sex with their husbands–or that anyone should. My earlier comments should make it clear that I’m vehemently against even trying to cajole/wheedle a woman into having sex if she doesn’t want to. What I’m doing is pointing out the obvious imbalance, the blatant double-standard.
I keep doing the things a good, loving, husband does because that’s my responsibility, because it’s what I promised to do and because I care about her well-being, both physical and emotional–and because I find fulfillment, even joy in taking care of her. It’s eminently reasonable for me to expect her to continue to contribute to the relationship too, because it’s what she promised, and because she cares about my well-being, both physical and emotional, and because it should bring her fulfillment and joy. After all, people don’t get married because they don’t want to help each other, they get married because they enjoy helping each other, they enjoy meeting their partner’s needs. Or at least they should.
I love the term “generous”. I have responsibilities that I literally owe to her and the relationship, but when she contributes to certain aspects of the relationship, it’s a gift. Well, that’s not how reality works. A relationship is two people contributing roughly equally, not one person fulfilling responsibilities on a regular and ongoing basis and the other one just being generous if/when they contribute. At least not unless it’s a parasitic relationship.
For the same reason, she doesn’t want me to hear that I’m not going to pay the bills or provide physical and emotional security any more because I just don’t feel connected, because I’m stressed, because I don’t feel like I have the right emotional mindset for it any longer, I don’t want to hear her, or anyone else, to tell me the reasons why she’s abandoning some of her contributions to the relationship. If she’s done with the relationship, she can say so and leave, or tell me to leave. If she’s not, and the relationship is still a priority, then she needs to contribute to the relationship so that her position is clear.
Either I matter, either the relationship matters, either her promises and commitments matter, or they don’t. If they don’t, the reasons don’t really matter to me. The real issue is a problem with how she views the relationship, specifically her promises and her commitments. And I maintain that the real issue is that at some level, as a generality, women go into marriages with the intent to control the physical relationship, to ration sex and to eventually end that aspect of the relationship entirely. They don’t go into it with the idea that they will find ongoing joy and fulfillment in meeting their partner’s physical needs. In fact, it’s an open joke in our culture and society.
If it helps, another way to look at it is that any of the reasons that are valid, should be equally valid reasons for me to use if I decide to cease some of my contributions to the relationship. And they are invalid when I try to use them, then they should be equally invalid for her.