Men & Women are Different
One of the most common complaints I hear about men from their wives is that they’re not as emotionally available or present as their wives would like them to be. And in my experience, even in my own marriage, this is true.
Sometimes during a long, deep conversation I’ll notice my husband has checked out. I’ll still be talking, but he’s not really there anymore. Or occasionally I’ll be upset about something, and he’s not immediately responsive to my signals. Whilst he’s made a valiant effort to become more emotionally available over the years, these misalignments continue to be a regular part of our relationship.
And that’s understandable. Because he’s a man, not a woman.
But when a family pet gets hit by a car, it’s him that retrieves it from the road, brings it home and buries it. He does this without question or fuss. When there’s a strange noise in the middle of the night, he’s dressed and downstairs investigating before I’m even fully conscious. If I’m overwhelmed by a dangerous or high stress situation, he’ll take over with a coolness I can’t really relate to. If there’s a particularly shitty task or back breaking job that needs dealing with, he’s on it. It’s not even a discussion. Needless to say these are things I value immensely.
Men and women are different. On the whole, they’re better equipped to deal with certain situations, and we’re better equipped to deal with others. That’s what makes us such a great team. If we, as women want to truly love our husbands, then we need to learn to love our differences. We need to love our husbands for who they are and in the way that they need to be loved.
So, how do we as wives, ensure our men feel loved, appreciated and supported? What qualities should we strive to develop if we want to meet their needs as we age alongside each other?
I’ve arranged what I consider to be some common needs a husband might have in marriage into three distinct levels:
His Fundamental Relationship Needs, His Emotional Alignment Needs and His Need to Excel
The examples here are illustrated using a fantasy couple although couples like this do exist. Your husbands’ individual needs may vary from what I’m describing here of course, so it’s not to be taken too literally. It’s more about learning to nurture a general spirit of generosity. The point is, if you’re married to a good man and you’re interested in becoming an exceptional wife to him, then hopefully some of these examples will give you something to aim towards or at least spark a meaningful conversation between the two of you.
Level 1: His Fundamental Relationships Needs
His basic need for respect, loyalty and sexual fulfilment will require that his wife aims to be:
- Sexually Available
She understands that his sexual needs are valid emotional needs, and she is generous in meeting them consistently. - Respectful
She values and admires his individuality, beliefs and opinions and generally holds him in high regard. - Loyal
She is fully committed to him and dedicated to their relationship, and she gives him no reason to doubt this. - Clear
She wants him to trust her and feel safe with her, so she communicates clearly and directly. - Attractive
She enjoys that he finds her physically attractive, and she makes an effort to take care of her appearance. - Healthy
She takes care of her body and mind so that she is able to live a long and healthy life alongside him. - Affectionate
She wants him to feel wanted by her and important to her, so she expresses this often with loving words and affectionate touch.
These qualities assure him that she’s got his back, she’s not going to leave him or betray him. She respects him for who he is, she is responsive to his desires and demonstrates care consistently.
These traits were undoubtedly enough to see them through the initial phase of their relationship. But the needs he had when they first met are unlikely to be the same as those he has 20 years into their marriage. This is where a level of ongoing emotional alignment between them will ensure they are able to change and grow together, rather than grow apart over the course of their shared lives.
Level 2: His Emotional Alignment Needs
His need for emotional connection, joy and togetherness will require that his wife aims to be:
- Affirming
She sees the daily effort and sacrifices he makes for them both and she expresses appreciation often. - Admiring
She appreciates his unique qualities and characteristics and praises him both privately and publicly. - Attentive
She anticipates his emotional and physical needs and continues to be generously responsive to them. - Caring
She is interested in what he needs and demonstrates a genuine desire to care about his well-being and happiness. - Warm
She understands his need for a peaceful home environment, and she strives to set a generally positive, welcoming and warm tone in their home. - Friendly
She considers him her number one companion in life, she wants to spend time with him, and she treats him with positive regard. - Generous
She understands that for him to be fulfilled and for their marriage to thrive she must make him and their marriage a major priority in her life.
A wife who is able to give and love as generously as this is a true gift to any man. He will feel like he’s hit the jackpot in life. His masculinity in honoured, his home life is peaceful and stable, he has a loving companion at his side and his sense of belonging will be firmly established. He is secure, confident and self-assured.
She’s probably treated like a living goddess too, and what wife wouldn’t bask in the glory of that dynamic!
So, what more is there? If she already loves her husband this deeply, what else can she possibly do to propel them into the next level?
Level 3: His Need to Excel
If his level 1 and 2 needs are being sufficiently met, then he’ll feel like she is truly by his side. Unburdened by frustration, drama or uncertainty, he will be free to grow and express his deepest potential. Something that surely any exceptional wife would want.
To facilitate this exploration of possibility an exceptional wife can support him in his need to excel by being:
- Understanding
She understands that he is a man, not a woman and she accepts and admires that his way of operating in the world is different to hers. - Supportive
She respects the dreams he has for himself; she has faith in his ability to achieve them and she does what she can to support him on his way. - Interested
She enjoys watching him develop and grow and is interested in who he is and who he is becoming. - Encouraging
She celebrates his successes and provides support when he doubts himself. She is his biggest cheerleader and his number one fan. - Accommodating
She recognises that he is an individual with his own interests and pursuits, and she gives him space when he needs it. - Playful
She understands that she is, in no small way, his refuge from the stresses and strains of life and so she bestows their marriage with a generally playful spirit.
A woman aiming to offer these things to her husband is an exceptional wife. For him she provides an oasis of sanity, soft femininity and calm in a tumultuous world. She is his muse. Warm, stable, sensual and loyal. She’s a mature and integrated woman who has the emotional intelligence to create a thriving marriage that sets an example to all who know her. She considers his needs to be as important to the overall quality of their marriage as her own. She values and respects him; she cares to know him deeply and she supports him to become everything he is capable of being.
In taking the very best of care of each other that we can, as these two do, we increase the chances that we will each achieve true relationship fulfilment.
This is obviously not possible if you harbour bad feelings towards your man, if you don’t respect him or value him, or if you are resentful or mean spirited. If you come to the table with a negative attitude towards men. If you have fallen prey to the nonsensical cultural narrative that men are all somehow bad, that masculinity is inherently toxic, or that men are generally not worthy of the gifts you can offer them.
If you think that relationships should be easy, or that the needs men have aren’t worth your consideration, time or care. With this kind of energy there is little chance he will feel loved or fulfilled. It’s unlikely that he’ll be feeling particularly positively about life. And what woman in her right mind would want that?
An Exceptional Wife
An exceptional wife loves her man for the qualities and strengths that his masculinity brings to their union. She understands that her husband requires certain things from her that are not always easy to provide. But she is more than happy to provide them because she wishes to honour who he is and what he needs.
She values his desire for peace, companionship and sexual intimacy, and she knows these needs are valid, and healthy, and not something to reject, or to deny, or to write off. Lastly, she knows that in order to remain open and available, she must be committed to her own development to ensure that she is healthy physically, mentally and emotionally.
As a couple they are in tune, they are in love and they are having fun.
A man with this kind of wife is in an elevated position. He has it all. He has the fundamentals, and he is honoured and respected. And finally, he has something that many women aren’t able or prepared to give, he has the steady flow of physical and sexual closeness, and therefore the warmth and support he needs to ensure he can tend to the rest of his life, and responsibilities in the way that he has worked out that he needs to. And in this way, he is free.
This kind of man bestows his woman with many gifts. He is devoted, hard working and attentive and she in turn wants for nothing. Together they create an ever upwards spiral towards greater sanity and mutual fulfilment. He is healthy, sane, whole and free. He loves fearlessly and his strength and certainty provide a safe harbour to those who care to know him.
If you enjoyed this article, and I hope that you did, then you might also enjoy this companion article where I talk about how to become an exceptional husband.
Thanks for reading, I’ll see you next week.
Until next time, to yourself and to others, Tell the Truth.
