A ‘Hopeless’ Marriage?
I’ve been inundated with comments on YouTube from people married to what they would describe as hopelessly uncaring spouses. Lost causes. They tell me they’ve done everything they possibly can to be a loving partner but that despite their best efforts, their spouse treats them with cold indifference or endless contempt. Their needs go unmet, in many cases, for years on end, and any attempt to discuss the relationship is met with ambivalence, excuses or hostility.
They describe feeling utterly hopeless about how they’re treated by their spouse and totally powerless to change the quality of their marriages. To the point that many of them have simply given up trying and have withdrawn from their marriages entirely. If any of that sounds familiar, then this article is for you.
It’s time to rock the boat.
The Power to Change
You might be familiar with the serenity prayer:
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference”.
There are obviously plenty of things in life that are beyond your control and must therefore be accepted. The weather, your family of origin, place of birth, past events, your own mortality etc. But what about the atmosphere when you open your front door at home? How you feel when your partner pulls up in the driveway? How they treat you day to day? How often you have sex? How much they drink or stare at their phone?
How much control do you or should you have there? Well, I would argue, in a healthy marriage, quite a lot.
In this video I’m going to argue that you are partially responsible for the state of your marriage and I’m going to show you how to take control of it. If it’s failing and your spouse is refusing to engage in a healthy way, then you need to assume responsibility for it’s recovery and lead by example.
Take Control of Your Marriage
So in the following 7 steps I’m going to show you exactly how to do that.
1. Improve Your Self-Worth & Value
This first step is of major importance and is non negotiable. You MUST keep your side of the street clean. This means telling the truth, acting with maturity and dignity and living in a way that brings you firmly into alignment with your marital vows and moral values. If you are treating your spouse or your marriage with contempt or indifference then this needs to stop. Immediately. No matter what they are, or are not bringing to the table. You’ll find repairing your marriage and having the self-respect to do so far easier if you’re not actively causing harm to it yourself.
If your marriage has been failing for some time, it’s highly likely that stress and frustration will have had a significant impact on your self-esteem. So you’re going to need to do whatever it takes to breathe life back into yourself an improve your own health and sense of wellbeing. An effective way to do this is to create some space to develop yourself outside of your marriage. Enrol on a course, learn to play an instrument, run, lift weights, stop drinking, eat healthily, spend time in nature, get yourself in prime physical and spiritual shape. Find yourself. Become strong.
If your spouse has become lazy or mean spirited then go out and meet people, preferably of the same sex, who aren’t. Being treated warmly and respectfully by people outside your marriage will help your self-esteem and confidence to grow. Obviously do this in a healthy way and be careful not to engage in any way that would come anywhere close to being unfaithful. Find your power elsewhere, and then bring it back into your marriage.
Watching you become confident, healthy and assertive will be unnerving to a spouse who knows they aren’t pulling their weight. And this isn’t about playing games by the way, it’s simply about becoming empowered and leading by example. You want to be able to move into this new phase with your head held high, confident that you are worthy of the kind of marriage you’re asking for. Head up, shoulders back. The goal is to become someone that you thoroughly enjoy being and who your spouse would be an absolute fool to lose.
2. Accept Your Situation
This will be hard, particularly if you’re being treated poorly, but in order to move forward you’ll find it incredibly helpful to let go of any resistance you feel about the current state of your marriage. It is what it is, and they are who they are and they’re probably not going to change overnight. Adding your own upset, negativity, moodiness and drama to the situation will do absolutely nothing to improve it. In fact, it will almost certainly make everything feel worse. I’m absolutely not suggesting that you give up or stop fighting for your marriage, quite the opposite and we’ll get to that in a minute. What I am saying here though, is that fixating on, obsessing over, or losing yourself entirely to perpetual stress & upset won’t improve your marriage. It just won’t.
Here’s an example of what calm acceptance might look like:
“You don’t appear to want to engage with me or our marriage in a healthy way. You won’t have sex with me, or you won’t engage emotionally with me, so I’m going to go out. There’s a meditation class in town tonight and I’d like to give it a go. You’re more than welcome to come along of course, but if not, that’s ok. I love you and I’ll see you in the morning.”
Again, this is not a game or a manipulation tactic but very much a peaceful, spiritual practise. It’s about dropping the negativity and surrendering to what is, but at the same time, living your life. It’s about breaking a toxic dynamic and standing on your own two feet without adding more drama.
Remember also, that you are choosing to stay with this person, for whatever reason. So, remind yourself of that when you feel like lashing out or resisting your current state of reality. This is, in part, and for whatever reason, a choice that you have made. Do what you can to get things to a more positive place, but accept it for what it is, for now.
The great Eckart Tolle illustrates this philosophy as follows:
“When you hate what you are doing, complain about your surroundings, curse things that are happening or have happened, or when your internal dialogue consists of shoulds and shouldn’ts, of blaming and accusing, then you are arguing with what is, arguing with that which is always already the case. You are making Life into an enemy and Life says, “War is what you want, and war is what you get.”
3. Stop Playing Games
Once you’ve made a start at working on your self-value and have developed a healthy level of acceptance of your situation, however dire, the next step is to get brutally honest about the problems within your marriage and to react to them appropriately. This means you’re going to have to stop pretending that everything’s ok and stop avoiding talking about the reality of your relationship. It’s time to come out of hiding and speak up if you’ve been avoiding dealing with your marital problems for some time.
You’re also going to have to stop resorting to any unhealthy tactics you’re guilty of using to try and get your own way or express displeasure. So, this means no more silent treatment, no more sulking, no more passive aggression or any other forms of convert manipulation. You’re going to have to learn to address issues directly using clear, honest and open communication. If you’re unhappy, frustrated, suffering or disappointed, then speak up. Be clear, truthful and direct but remain as calm as you possibly can. We’re going for assertive here, not aggressive or domineering.
I know this is far easier said than done particularly if your partner is reactive or if you’re prone to emotional flooding during difficult conversations. So, if you need to, politely excuse yourself from the conversation if it goes off the rails or you feel overwhelmed by negative emotion and return calmly as soon as you’re able. This is a skill that does become easier with practise.
4. Deal With Your Fear
Many people avoid tough conversations with their spouse because they feel hopeless or are afraid of conflict. So, assuming your partner is not physically abusive, which is not what we’re talking about here, then you’re going to have to work out exactly why you are so frightened or so avoidant. Are you a people pleaser? Are you too agreeable? Do you tolerate far too much? Do you have low self-esteem, or are you unconsciously living out a pattern of relationships that you witnessed as a child? These are all things that you will need to address if you want to resolve the situation.
If you complain about your needs not being met, presumably they’re not going to threaten you with a gun. They might roll their eyes, shift blame back onto you, give you the silent treatment or try to shame you. But so what? Those are all tactics to avoid engaging or taking responsibility and they say more about them than you.
So work on becoming more courageous, less despairing and less afraid. Speak up, say the things you find difficult to say and learn to tolerate the discomfort of their reaction. Say to yourself “I’m OK. I can handle this”.
If you’ve slipped into a state of hopelessness and despair, or if you believe your marriage is doomed, then you’re probably unwittingly contributing to it’s downward spiral. Try to develop a more positive attitude and have some faith in the process and in your marriage. It might be failing but it hasn’t yet failed as you’re still there and so is your partner. Just because your words might have fallen on deaf ears in the past, it doesn’t mean they always will. Try to see this as a new chapter in your marriage and act as if there’s a firm but fair new kick ass sheriff in town. Have some confidence. Marriage is hard, and sometimes you have to employ some tough love.
Also, try to remember you’re doing all this essentially because you want your marriage to improve. You’re intentions are good, so trust yourself and be kind to yourself.
5. Set Boundaries
Be explicit about the behaviour you’re no longer willing to tolerate. You’re a human being with one life, who deserves to be treated with respect and dignity even though you’re not perfect. Nobody is.
Assess the nature of your relationship dynamic and call out any hint of emotional abuse where you see it.
In case you’re not quite sure what constitutes emotional abuse, here are just a few common examples:
- Shaming
- Ridiculing
- Dismissing
- Constant Criticism
- Name Calling
- Withdrawing Affection
- Financial Control
- Behaving Erratically (walking on eggshells)
- Gaslighting
- Stonewalling
Challenge any unhealthy or dysfunctional behaviour immediately and ask for specific explanations as to why they are behaving towards you in that way. If you see it, name it and make it clear you’re no longer going to tolerate it.
6. Be consistent and persistent
All marriages require hard work and continual effort even at the best of times. So, if your marriage is in a particularly bad place then you must be prepared to communicate your desire for change persistently and consistently, despite any resistance. This must become your new modus operandi.
Communicate your reasonable needs and concerns with clarity and regularity as if you are banging a drum that will not be silenced until meaningful conversations or change take place. Again do this calmly and assertively without being overbearing or aggressive.
Obviously you need to consider their perspective, respect their boundaries and be willing to listen to their opinions. But make it clear that having these conversations is non-negotiable and not something you’re going to stop asking for.
Demonstrate that you’re committed to the marriage and that you’re determined to make it work but that you expect them to play an active role in facing the issues you have.
I’ve mentioned these in a previous video, but in case you missed it, here’s a short list of reasonable relationship expectations.
- Trust
- Commitment
- Affection
- Appreciation
- Empathy
- Friendship
- Satisfying Sex
- Compromise
- Respect
- Quality Time
- Kindness
- Generosity
If any of those things are missing from your relationship then you, or your spouse have a right to ask for them.
7. Express Gratitude
It’s really important that this process, which is designed to bring about positive change after all, isn’t all doom and gloom. If you notice your spouse is beginning to take on board any of the things you’ve been asking for, then it’s important that you acknowledge them. Radical shifts are unlikely to occur overnight, but even the smallest of changes deserve to be recognised. Maybe he or she puts their phone down the minute you walk into the room for the first time in 6 months. Tell them you appreciate the gesture and that it’s nice to be able to connect.
If you’ve been asking for more emotional connection and you notice they’re holding eye contact a little longer whilst talking to you, tell them it feels nice to be looked at and that you’re enjoying their company. What we’re talking about here is warming the relationship up with positive reinforcement and verbal praise for even the smallest improvements. These tiny positive interactions, as they accumulate over time, will begin to build trust and a willingness to engage with the process of repair more actively in the future.
As the Gottman’s observed, a healthy ratio of positive to negative interactions within a healthy relationship is at least 5:1. So be generous with your words more often than you are negative. If you see something positive, acknowledge it out loud.
A New Chapter
It’s one thing to accept the things we truly have no power over. That, in my experience really is wise, and always profoundly freeing. It’s another thing entirely to accept situations that cause us great suffering, which might be improved if we had the courage, without doing anything at all.
If our marriages are boring or unpleasant then we have to first accept that we might have played a part in taking it to or allowing it to arrive at those places. If we are to change it, we also need to remember that we are responsible for working out what we actually have to do to create something more fulfilling.
If our marriages have been unhappy for some time, it’s likely that many of the things we already tried did not work, and it’s probably time that we try something new. As the old saying goes, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.
So, my loving invitation to you all is to embark on a new chapter. Stop letting your fears, passivity or resentments get the better of you, as that is literally the road to hell. Do everything you can to ensure that you are strong, mature, honourable and courageous. Keep your side of the street clean, and at the same time, stop tolerating less than you deserve.
It will become increasingly difficult for a lazy or mean spirited spouse to dictate the terms of your marriage if you are physically, emotionally and spiritually fit. If you are consistently meeting their needs and they continue to dismiss yours, then I would argue you have a martial obligation to protest. In a healthy marriage each spouse keeps the other on their toes. You’re meant to inspire and support each other to grow and develop as individuals so that your union becomes a force stronger than the sum of it’s parts. You’re meant to be a team.
A Choice
But, in some cases, sadly, and I’ve seen this in my practise, some partners do seem fundamentally incapable or unwilling to put in the individual effort required to maintain a healthy and functional marriage. If it becomes clear after 6 months of dedicated effort, that you are indeed married to one of these characters, then I’m truly sorry for you. However I would urge you to incorporate the practises I’ve discussed here into your life regardless.
If you decide to stay then remember that’s a choice YOU are making, so do so with acceptance rather than bitterness and anger. If you decide to leave then do so with your head held high in the knowledge that you truly gave it your all. But you must give it your all.
Good luck! if you have any questions then please get in touch or leave a comment below, I do try to respond to as many as I can.
I’ll see you back here next week. In the meantime, to yourself and to others, Tell The Truth.
