How to Write a Relationship Contract (Free Template)

How to Write a Relationship Contract (Free Template to Fill In Together)

A relationship therapist on what a relationship contract is, why couples write one, what to include in a relationship agreement, how to write it together without it turning into a list of complaints, and how weekly check-ins keep it alive. Plus a free relationship contract template you can fill in today.

Laura How is a UK relationship therapist specialising in sexless marriage and sexual desire in long-term relationships.

A relationship contract is a written agreement between the two of you about how you want your relationship to look and feel. It’s where you set out your hopes, your expectations and your boundaries, and decide together what you’re both going to do to get there.

Before we go any further, ask yourselves a few honest questions. Is your relationship where you hoped it would be when you first got together? Is the division of labour in your home fair? Is your spending under control? Can you talk about your needs and feel heard when you do? Are you treating each other with love and respect every day, or have you slipped into resentment and apathy?

If you answered no to any of those, a relationship contract could help you make a fresh start as a couple. And if you answered yes to all of them, it’s a lovely way to keep things that way.

What Is a Relationship Contract? (And Is It Legally Binding?)

A relationship contract, sometimes called a relationship agreement, couples agreement or marriage contract, is a set of promises you write down together. “We agree to put our phones away at dinner.” “We agree to have a date night at least twice a month.” “We agree to say sorry after a fight, and mean it.”

It isn’t legally binding, and it isn’t a prenup. If you want something legally binding about money or property, that’s a conversation for a solicitor. This is something different: a shared intention between two adults who want to look after each other properly.

It can be as formal or as informal as you like. Some couples type it up and sign it. Some write it on the back of an envelope and stick it on the fridge. What matters isn’t how it looks. What matters is that you both mean it, and that you come back to it.

Why Write a Relationship Agreement? The Benefits for Couples

Here’s the thing most people don’t expect. The process of sitting down and writing your relationship contract can be just as valuable, and just as bonding, as the finished product.

To write one together you need openness, honesty, clear communication, active listening and a bit of negotiation. Those are exactly the skills that struggling couples tend to lose. So the very act of writing it is practice. And if any of those skills don’t come easily to you, agreeing to work on them can go straight into the contract.

A relationship agreement also gets rid of a lot of guesswork. So much resentment in marriage comes from expectations that were never said out loud. One of you assumes the other will cook, or initiate sex, or handle the bills, and quietly keeps score when they don’t. Writing it down drags those assumptions into the light, where you can actually talk about them. If asking for what you want feels hard, my article on how to ask for what you want in your marriage is a good place to start.

And finally, a contract keeps your relationship near the top of your priority list. That’s where it needs to be if you want a marriage that lasts.

How to Write a Relationship Contract in 5 Steps

1. Agree What You Want From the Process

Before you write a single line, talk about what you’re hoping to achieve. A few questions to get you started:

• What’s our relationship ethos?
• What core values do we both want to uphold?
• How do we want our relationship to look and feel day to day?
• What’s working well that we want to protect?

2. Choose Your Categories

Next, pick the areas of your relationship you want to cover. Start with the ones you find challenging or keep arguing about, then add the ones you want to protect. Money, sex, chores, parenting, time together, screens, conflict, health, trust and check-ins cover most couples. You’ll find all ten in the free template.

3. Write Each One as “We Agree To…”

Write every line as something you’re both agreeing to do, not something you want the other person to stop doing. “We agree to listen to each other without interrupting” lands very differently from “You never let me finish a sentence”.

Be specific. “We agree to spend more time together” is a wish. “We agree to have a date night at least twice a month” is a plan. If you can’t tell at your next check-in whether you did it, it’s too vague.

4. Sign It and Keep It Somewhere You’ll See It

When you’re both happy, type it up and print two copies, one for each of you. Sign them, and keep them somewhere safe but easy to reach. A drawer you never open doesn’t count.

5. Read It Often, and Review It Regularly

In the early days, read it every morning until your new habits become automatic. Then review it together at your relationship check-ins, which I’ll come to in a moment.

What to Include in a Relationship Contract: 10 Areas to Discuss

Every couple is different, and the specifics are entirely up to the two of you. But these are the ten areas I’d suggest you talk through, with a few example lines for each. They’re examples, not rules. Keep what fits, change what doesn’t and write your own.

• Finance. We agree to talk to each other before spending more than £___ on non-essentials. We agree to be open about money: no hidden debts, accounts or spending.
• Sex, intimacy and affection. We agree to aim for sex at least ___ times per ___. We agree to say no kindly when we need to, and suggest another time when we can. We agree never to use sex as a reward or a punishment.
• Division of labour. We agree to divide jobs and chores based on our availability, schedules and strengths. We agree to notice and thank each other for the jobs that get done.
• Parenting and family time. We agree on boundaries and consequences for our children before we enforce them. We agree to back each other up in front of the children, and to disagree in private.
• Quality time. We agree to have a date night at least ___ per ___. We agree to turn towards each other when one of us reaches out.
• Screen use. We agree to put our phones away at meals and on dates. We agree to keep phones out of the bedroom after ___.
• Communication and conflict. We agree to take a time out if one of us is overwhelmed, and to come back to it within ___. We agree to repair after a fight, and to say sorry and mean it.
• Health and personal growth. We agree to speak up kindly if we’re worried about each other’s health. We agree to give each other time for our own interests.
• Trust. We agree to be faithful, in person and online. We agree to tell each other the truth, even when it’s hard.
• Check-ins. We agree to have a relationship check-in every ___, and to review this agreement every ___.

A word on the sex section, because it’s the one couples most often leave blank. Please don’t. A marriage is a sexual relationship, and sex won’t just happen by itself once life gets busy. Talking about how much sex is enough for both of you, and writing it down, takes so much pressure off. And agreeing never to use sex as a weapon is one of the kindest things you can promise each other.

Screens deserve a mention too. If one of you is always on their phone, it eats away at your time together without either of you noticing. There’s more on that in my wife is addicted to her phone.

Relationship Contract Examples: Specific Agreements That Actually Work

The difference between a contract that changes things and one that ends up forgotten is usually how specific it is. Here are a few vague agreements, and what they could look like instead:

• “We’ll communicate better” becomes “We agree to a 30-minute check-in every Friday morning.”
• “We’ll spend less on rubbish” becomes “We agree to talk to each other before spending more than £50 on anything that isn’t essential.”
• “We’ll have more sex” becomes “We agree to aim for sex at least twice a week, and to keep Sunday mornings free for it.”
• “We’ll stop fighting” becomes “We agree to take a 20-minute time out if either of us is overwhelmed, then come back and finish the conversation.”
• “We’ll be on our phones less” becomes “We agree to two screen-free nights a week, and no phones in the bedroom after 10pm.”

How to Make Your Relationship Contract Work (Without Keeping Score)

If your relationship has gone a little off track, you might find this process challenging, so keep your expectations reasonable and set goals you can actually reach. As long as you’re both on board, it can be really cathartic to say clearly what you hope for and what worries you, and to hear the same from your partner.

If we want a sane, fulfilling and healthy relationship, the relationship has to be up for discussion, regularly, by both of you. You both have to be committed to the process.

None of this is carved in stone. You can come back and change your agreement whenever you like. It will probably take a while to create something that works well for you both, so be patient with the process and kind to each other along the way.

Here’s the most important bit. Focus on the things YOU struggle with, and the things YOU agreed to work on, rather than your partner’s shortcomings. That’s their job. Have a little faith in the process, and get on with your side of it. If you catch yourself reaching for the contract to prove a point, my article on why you should stop blaming your partner is worth a read.

None of us is perfect, and change takes time. If one of you drops the ball now and then, that’s OK. It’s not about finger pointing, point scoring or one-upmanship. It’s about willingness, honesty and open communication. As long as you both feel things are moving in the right direction, that’s an achievement worth celebrating.

Relationship Check-Ins: How We Keep Our Agreement Alive

The final part of the process is to commit to regular relationship check-ins, so you can talk about how it’s going and make changes to your agreement when you need to. How often and in what format is up to you, but here’s how my husband and I make it work.

Once a week, every Friday morning, we sit down and talk about how we feel we’re doing with the things on our agreement. Again, it’s not about pointing out failures or blaming each other. It’s just a way to make sure things stay on track and don’t get forgotten or brushed aside. It’s also a lovely chance to say thank you, so don’t forget to show some appreciation when things are going well.

After a while, some things become the new normal for both of us, so we strike them off. There’s no point reading and rereading something that’s no longer an issue. The more concise your contract is, the more likely you are to stick to it. If something new comes up, we add it and reprint.

If there’s anything either of us particularly struggles with on our own, we each make a short bullet-point list and stick it somewhere prominent as a daily reminder. The mirror where I do my make-up works well for me.

At the moment we’re each working on regulating our emotions more effectively when we notice we feel unsafe. Those feelings of insecurity go back to childhood for both of us, so in doing this work we’re healing some old wounds too. If that sounds familiar, have a look at the art of self-regulation.

There’s good research behind check-ins, too. In a randomised controlled trial of the Marriage Checkup, couples who took part in regular relationship health checkups saw lasting improvements in intimacy, feeling accepted and relationship satisfaction compared with couples who didn’t.

Common Relationship Contract Mistakes to Avoid

• Using it as ammunition. The fastest way to kill a relationship contract is to wave it at your partner in an argument. It’s a shared intention, not evidence.
• Making it one-sided. If every line is about what your partner needs to change, it isn’t an agreement. It’s a list of complaints.
• Being too vague. “Be nicer” can’t be measured. “Say thank you every day” can.
• Making it too long. Ten pages of rules won’t get read. Start with the handful of things that matter most.
• Setting it and forgetting it. A contract that never gets reviewed ends up in a drawer. Book your check-ins and keep them.
• Forcing it on someone. It only works if you both want it. If your partner isn’t ready, start with a conversation, not a document.

Relationship Contract FAQs

Is a relationship contract legally binding?

No. A relationship contract is a personal agreement between the two of you, not a legal document. If you need something legally binding about money or property, speak to a solicitor about a prenup or postnup.

Can we write a relationship contract before we get married?

Absolutely, and it’s a brilliant idea. Talking through money, children, sex and chores before the wedding saves a lot of heartache later. If you’d like some help with those conversations, have a look at premarital counselling.

What if my partner doesn’t want to write one?

Don’t push. Explain why it matters to you, and invite rather than demand. Sometimes it helps to start small with a single agreement and a weekly check-in, and build from there. If you’re stuck, couples counselling can help you have the conversation safely.

How often should we review our relationship contract?

Check in weekly or fortnightly at first, and review the whole agreement every few months. Strike off what’s become second nature and add anything new.

Download Your Free Relationship Contract Template

Our free Relationship Agreement covers all ten areas above, with example lines to tick, gaps to fill in and space to add your own. You can type straight into it on screen, or print it and fill it in by hand.

Prioritising Your Relationship

Contracts and check-ins make sure we’re properly attending to our relationship and to each other. That kind of focus and commitment is at the heart of what makes a loving marriage work, and it stops us drifting off track and losing sight of the health of the union we’ve built together.

So give it a go. Write a relationship contract together this week, and see how it brings your relationship back into focus and breathes some life into your day-to-day life as a couple.

Please do let me know in the comments how you get on. I’d love to hear all about it.

To yourself and to others, tell the truth.

Laura

Prefer to listen? Here’s the podcast episode that goes with this article: