A Shared Vision for Your Relationship
Is your relationship on the right track? Is your it where you hoped it would be when you first started dating? Is the division of labour in your household fair? Is your spending under control? Are you able to discuss your needs with each other and feel heard when you do? Are you treating each other with love and respect on a daily basis, or have you slipped into resentment and apathy? Do you each commit to making meaningful changes where necessary?
If you answered no to any of these questions, then you might find a relationship contract could help you make a fresh start as a couple.
A relationship contract is a written agreement between two people in a romantic relationship in which you both have an opportunity to define boundaries, hopes, expectations and a shared vision for the future of the relationship. It’s obviously not legally binding and it can be as formal or informal as you’d like it to be.
The process of sitting down together and writing the contract can be as valuable, invigorating, and bonding as the finished product. Which, let’s face it, might end up in a drawer before long, but more on how to ensure that doesn’t happen later. The writing process will involve a high level of openness, honesty, clear communication, active listening and negotiation. Indeed, agreeing to develop these very skills might be part of your finished contract if those are areas you struggle with. All good stuff!
Writing a Relationship Contract
It might be a good idea, before you start to discuss exactly what you’re hoping to achieve with the process.
What is your relationship ethos?
What core values are you both hoping to uphold?
How do you want your relationship to look and feel generally?
It really doesn’t matter what you put into your contract, the specifics are up to the two of you to decide. I’d suggest you start by defining a few categories for any areas of your relationship that you find challenging or problematic.
Consider also whether your contract will be faith based or not as this would likely influence the things you include, and the values you have regarding your commitments to one another. So, do you want your contract to be based upon religious principles, secular guidelines or a mixture of both? Either way, grab a piece of paper and jot down whatever comes to mind.
This might take some time, but here’s a few ideas to get you started.
- Finance
We agree not to spend more than $50 on non-essentials without prior agreement.
We agree to deposit 10% of our monthly earning into our joint savings account. - Sex, Intimacy & Affection
We agree to show affection towards each other in the way we each need to receive it.
We agree to have sex at least two times per week. - Division of Labour
We agree to divide jobs and chores based on our availability, schedules and strengths.
We agree to take turns to cook a healthy meal every weekday night. - Parenting & Family Time
We agree to dedicate one day per week to spend uninterrupted time together as a family.
We agree to discuss suitable boundaries or punishments for our child before enforcing them. - Quality Time
We agree to invest in quality time together to enjoy shared activities.
We agree to schedule regular dates nights at least once per month. - Screen Use
We agree to put our phones away when we are together.
We agree to set aside two screen free nights per week. - Communication & Conflict
We agree to express our needs and expectations clearly.
We agree to listen to each other’s concerns without interrupting. - Health & Personal Growth
We agree to challenge each other’s poor health choices if necessary.
We agree to support each other with time and space to pursue our individual interests - Check Ins
We agree to commit to regular 30-minute relationship check-ins every Friday morning.
Relationship Contract Templates
You can download a copy of both a secular, and non-secular version to customise yourself here:
Goals & Expectations
You might find this process quite challenging if your relationship has gone a little off track so keep your expectations reasonable and set achievable goals. As long as you’re both on board with the idea then it will be quite cathartic to have an opportunity to clearly express your hopes and concerns regarding the relationship, and also to listen to the same from your partner.
Remember, if we are truly hoping to create a sane, fulfilling and healthy relationship, then the relationship must be be up for discussion, regularly and by both of you. You must both be committed to this process. When you’ve finished writing, one of you can type it up and print two copies. One for each of you to sign and keep in a safe yet regularly accessible place.
None of this is carved in stone. You can revisit your agreement and make changes whenever you like. It will probably take a while to create something that works well for both of you so be patient with the process and be kind to each other along the way. The process needs to feel predominantly positive otherwise you will be reluctant to continue. The key here is to actually make a practise of reading and digesting the agreements that you’ve made, often enough that the key points are at the forefront of your mind at least until new practises become habitual.
Maybe agree that you both read through your contract once per day in the morning for now. Try to focus on the things YOU struggle with and internalise your agreements rather than paying too much attention to your partner’s shortcomings. That’s their job, so have a little faith in the process and instead work on the things YOU’VE agreed to address.
Remember none of us are perfect, and change takes time, so if one of you drops the ball on something occasionally that’s ok. It’s not about finger pointing, point scoring or one-upmanship. It’s about willingness, honesty and open communication, so as long as you both feel things are moving in the right direction then that’s an achievement worth celebrating.
Relationship Check-Ins
The final part of the process is to make sure you commit to regular check-ins so that you can both discuss how you feel it’s going, and so that you can make any changes to your agreement if you need to. The frequency and format of these check-ins is obviously totally up to you but here’s how my husband and I make it work:
Once a week, every Friday morning, my husband and I sit down and discuss how we feel we’re doing with the items on our agreement. Again, it’s not about pointing out failures or blaming each other, it’s just a way to ensure things stay on the right track and don’t get forgotten or brushed aside. It’s also a great opportunity for us to say thank you to each other, so don’t forget to show some gratitude when things are going well!
We’ve found that after a while certain things have indeed become the new normal for us both, so we strike those things off the contract. There’s no point reading and re-reading something that’s no longer an issue in your relationship. The more concise your contract is the more likely it is to be adhered to. If anything new has come up, then we simply add it to our contract and re-print it.
If there’s anything that either of us particularly struggle with individually, we each make a short, bullet point list and stick it somewhere prominent, so we have a daily reminder. On the mirror where I do my make-up works well for me.
At the moment my husband and I are each working on regulating our emotions more effectively when we notice we feel unsafe. These feelings of insecurity stem from childhood for us both, so in doing this work we are addressing childhood wounds and bringing about healing for us both. These are totally achievable areas to work on that will enhance our relationship over time, and have us both acting in ways that makes the other feel more loved and more secure.
Prioritising Your Relationship
A couple with a contract are a couple with focus, who have a sense of what they are doing and where they are going.
Contracts and check ins ensure we are attending properly and successfully to our relationship and to each other, and therefore increase our chances of long-term success. They can play a valuable role in keeping our relationships somewhere near the top of our priority list, which is where they need to be if we are to stand a chance of becoming fulfilled in our bonds to one another.
This kind of focus and commitment to the proper care of the relationship is at the heart of fulfilment and ensures we do not wonder off track and lose sight of the health of our co-created union.
Give it a go. Write a contract together this week and see how it brings your relationship back into focus and breathes life into your day to day lives as a couple.
Please do let me know in the comments how you get on as I’d love to hear all about it!
