Marriage Is a Sexual Relationship: A Therapist’s Message to Wives

Why Sex Matters in Marriage, and How to Protect It Together

A relationship therapist on why marriage is a sexual relationship, and why that doesn’t change after children, weight gain or menopause. Why “nobody owes anybody sex” misses the point, how a sexless marriage turns into a roommate marriage, what it costs your health and your children, and how to rebuild intimacy in your marriage as a team.

Laura How is a UK relationship therapist specialising in sexless marriage and sexual desire in long-term relationships.

First, a quick disclaimer: this article is only for women who are married to safe, kind and loving men. It isn’t for anyone dealing with abuse, coercion or trauma. If your husband is unsafe, unkind or unloving, then nothing in this article applies to you. That is a different conversation, and one I have covered in my emotional safety article.

Marriage Is a Sexual Relationship: The Deal You Both Agreed To

Ladies. In case you forgot. Marriage is a sexual relationship.

I don’t know why that’s a controversial thing to say nowadays, but here we are.

Both spouses, from the very beginning, agree not to have sex with anyone else. Which implies, you would think, that they agree to have sex with each other. Regularly, and for the life of the marriage.

All being well, assuming the marriage is sound, that’s the deal. A sexual commitment, voluntarily entered into, to the exclusion of all others, for life. And I think that’s a fair deal.

And it doesn’t stop being a sexual relationship after kids, or weight gain, or menopause, or any other common reason for withdrawal. No amount of losing interest, avoiding it, or wishing it wasn’t so changes what the relationship is. It is, and will be a sexual relationship, whether you engage with that part of it or not.

In this article I’m going to show you why fully and willingly embracing that part of your marriage is one of the healthiest choices you can make for yourself and for the relationship.

I’ll show you how to nurture and protect your sex life together, as a team, even when it’s difficult, and why doing so can enrich your life in far more ways than you might think.

Does a Wife Owe Her Husband Sex?

Try talking publicly about sexual expectations in marriage and you’re likely to hear a loud chorus of the same familiar mantras:

“Men are not entitled to their wives’ bodies.”

“Marriage is not blanket consent.”

“Nobody owes anybody sex. Ever.”

And yes, yes, yes, of course, nobody owes anyone sex. But then neither does anybody owe anyone a hug, a shoulder to cry on, a birthday present, or a candlelit dinner. You don’t actually owe each other anything at all. You’re perfectly free to live like reptiles at opposite corners of a cold, loveless tank.

But come on.

Is that really what you want for your marriage?

To spend it justifying what you shouldn’t have to give and why you shouldn’t have to give it? To let whoever wants to give least decide what’s available for both? Because mental load. Because emotional labour. Because take your pick of the currently fashionable ways to shut the conversation down.

Fun times.

OK, I’m being sarcastic but look, I can tell you from experience, unilaterally imposed sexless marriages are not happy marriages.

And here’s why.

Why a Sexless Marriage Is Never Only Your Choice

You’re completely free to choose celibacy at any point in your life. That’s your choice. But once you’re married, it’s no longer a choice you’d be making for yourself. You’d be making it for your husband too.

That’s not the type of relationship he signed up for, and it would be perfectly reasonable of him to be extremely distressed by that.

The Dog Nobody Walks: An Analogy

I like to compare this to getting a dog.

You go to the breeder, and they ask you all sorts of questions. Are you home much? Have you got a garden? Will you be able to walk it regularly?

And you say yes. Obviously, you say yes, because that’s part of having a dog.

Now imagine you get the dog home and decide you don’t really fancy the walking part after all. So over time the dog goes mad, pacing, barking and chewing the furniture.

Then you tell your friends, who also don’t walk their dogs, that you don’t walk yours because he chews the furniture. And they all nod along, telling you why they don’t walk theirs either.

There’s nothing wrong with the dog.

And the sad irony here is that most of us would never treat a dog that badly.

Our husbands, apparently, are another matter.

How Our Culture Changed the Way We See Sex in Marriage

So what happened?

Well, there’s been a huge cultural shift in recent years, and not all of it’s been good.

For a long time, it was understood that sex in marriage mattered. For the integrity of the marital bond, for family stability, and for the wellbeing of the children that marriage supported.

That wisdom has largely gone. And a kind of socially acceptable madness has taken its place.

Single women are encouraged to be as overtly sexual as possible. Wear what you want, wherever you want. Sleep with who you want. Use your sexual power however you see fit. It’s empowerment, ladies.

Until we marry.

Then suddenly the tone changes. Your body. Your choice. Don’t let anyone pressure you. Nobody owes anybody anything.

And again, I’m not arguing with the basic principles here.

But somewhere in all that noise, the nuance, compassion and love seem to have been stripped away, and the message has been reduced to something much colder:

You don’t owe your husband anything.

Not your time, not your kindness, and certainly not sex.

And he should be fine going without, because we’ve decided his needs aren’t really needs anyway. They’re wants.

And if he isn’t fine, well, that’s his problem, not yours. Because apparently, it’s not your job to make him happy.

Ah, liberation!

How a Sexless Marriage Becomes a Roommate Marriage

Except of course, he isn’t fine. And neither is the marriage. He’s living with a woman who, as far as he can tell, doesn’t want to be close to him anymore. And he can’t complain without risking being labelled coercive, pressuring or entitled.

So, to protect himself, he withdraws. She feels that withdrawal and responds with more distance of her own. And so it goes, both of them finding reasons to justify their part in the ever-growing chasm between them.

And once sex leaves the room, it doesn’t take long for the hugs, kisses, hand-holding and general warmth to follow.

The tragic and predictable playbook of the roommate marriage.

What a Sexless Marriage Does to Your Health and Your Children

Choosing to withdraw from the sexual side of your marriage is not some small, private decision. It fundamentally changes the relationship between you, and it has serious, measurable consequences.

Because unhappy, disconnected marriages don’t only feel bad. They’re associated with poorer mental and physical health, greater cardiovascular strain, higher rates of depression and anxiety, and shorter lives.

And children living around persistent tension and disconnection feel it too. We see more anxiety, poorer sleep, physical symptoms, lower mood and difficulties regulating emotions. They can struggle at school, and they carry what you show them about conflict and intimacy into relationships of their own.

Does This Mean Wives Should Have Sex They Don’t Want?

OK, so does that mean women should simply put up and give their husbands sex no matter what? You know, for the kids?

No. Of course not. Nobody wants unwanted sex. It’s harmful to both spouses and it doesn’t help the marriage in any way. That’s not what I’m saying at all.

What I am saying, with confidence, is that marriage is a sexual relationship. And if you want yours to work, you can’t disengage and expect everything to be OK.

So, you have to align yourself with reality and tend to the sexual side of your marriage together, as a team.

There’s no happy alternative.

How to Rebuild Intimacy in Marriage by Becoming Sexually Fit

Sex is a pillar of marital health. So, if you want your marriage to be sexually healthy, you need to become sexually fit.

Like physical fitness, that involves removing anything that harms it, and deliberately adding more of what builds and sustains it.

Remove What Puts the Sexual Brakes On

So first, look at anything in your life or your relationship that puts the sexual brakes on:

• Overworking
• Addictions
• Poor diet
• Bad media
• Resentment for past hurts
• Negativity
• Medication that may be suppressing libido

Anything that’s consistently getting in the way needs to be addressed.

And if you have personal issues around sex, deal with those directly too. If you hate being seen naked. If you’re menopausal. If you’re carrying trauma. These are all common, and there are things you can do about them.

Add More of What Builds Your Sexual Fitness

Then add more of the things that build your sexual fitness.

Self-care, health, exercise, sleep, diet and mental wellbeing all need to be in good shape. Go through your wardrobe and get rid of anything that makes you feel drab, and replace it with things that make you feel good. Turn the TV off and put music on. Cook together, go on dates, try something new, have a laugh.

Your Husband Needs to Be Sexually Fit Too

And your husband isn’t off the hook here either. He needs to be looking after his sexual fitness too. The same applies to him. Both of you need to stay as sexually healthy, engaged and alive as you can if you want this to work long term.

And if he’s been contributing to your lack of sexual interest, then you need to be upfront with him about that. If he doesn’t give you enough space. If he won’t connect with you in the way you need. If he’s stopped romancing you, gained fifty pounds, or he’s rubbish in bed. Anything he’s doing that consistently puts you off needs to be discussed.

Whatever it is, you’ve got to talk about it. All of it.

Because keeping a marriage healthy requires both people to take responsibility for staying psychologically and sexually healthy throughout the marriage. Neither takes care of itself, and both require ongoing effort.

It means taking care of yourselves as individuals while paying attention to what’s happening between you. It means having the courage to be vulnerable, the nerve to say difficult things, and the willingness to extend yourselves for each other even when you don’t particularly feel like it.

It’s Your Sex Life Too: Why Intimacy Matters for Wives

And ultimately, this isn’t only about giving your husband what he needs.

Although, again, this may come as a shock, there’s actually nothing wrong with giving your husband what he needs. Some would call that being a good wife, which isn’t a crime, last I checked. Personally, I find it quite rewarding to think that part of the reason my husband’s so well is that he isn’t starving in his marriage. And I like it when he’s happy, confident and full of life.

Anyway, my point is that it’s not all about your husband. This is your sex life too. It’s your health, your longevity, and it’s your marriage.

And wouldn’t you rather create a marriage you both genuinely love being in? Where you both feel wanted, seen and valued? Where there’s tenderness, affection, flirting and laughter?

Who wouldn’t want that?

Well, I can tell you, a thriving sexual connection is part of what makes that possible.

But it takes courage and vulnerability. It demands honesty, and it takes effort.

Sexual Problems in Marriage Are Solvable

And the sad truth is that a lot of people can’t be bothered.

They’d rather blame their spouse for everything than take any accountability for the state of their marriage. They’d rather stare at a screen than have a difficult conversation. And they’d rather trivialise sex, or make some weak excuse to abandon it altogether, than deal with whatever made giving up on it seem like a good idea in the first place.

But it doesn’t have to be this way. Sexual problems in marriage, like most other problems in life, are largely solvable. You just have to develop the courage to address them head-on and be willing to put the work in. Both of you. You have to be a team.

Because a marriage is worth exactly what the two of you put into it. Your effort. Your courage and your willingness to struggle for its health.

How to Build a Fun, Sexy, Vibrant Marriage

So, please, don’t be like everyone else, standing in the school queue rolling their eyes, bitching and moaning about how disappointing their spouses are, bonding over the casual contempt they’ve somehow come to think is normal.

And for the love of God, don’t take marriage advice from them.

You and your husband can be having a nice time building something completely different. Something that, frankly, now feels almost radical.

A fun, sexy, vibrant marriage. Built on trust, play and mutual generosity.

A beacon of sanity amid the madness.

Marriage is a sexual relationship. And that’s not something to begrudgingly accept. It’s something to celebrate, nurture and protect with everything you’ve got.

Work with Us

If you need some support with any of the topics raised in today’s article, you can reach out to me or my team and we will be happy to help you.

Take the Work Further

If you’d like some support putting this into practice — finding the words, or untangling what’s built up between you — that’s exactly what the Good Wife Club and the Good Husband Club are for. A monthly live call with me, a private space to ask your questions, and a group of people building the same kind of marriage. $29 a month, or $299 for the year.

And if you found this article helpful, you might also enjoy my ten rules for marriage.

Let me know your thoughts in the comments.

In the meantime, to yourself and to others, tell the truth.

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